consultation and family

yesterday Tee and i drove an hour and a half to see a doctor for top surgery consultation. ...wow.
it was pretty cool. before seeing the doctor i couldnt let myself get excited about the appointment. after all, i have no idea when ill actually be able to get the procedure. but after having done the appointment. after speaking with the doctor, nurse, and billing lady.. after bringing home an estimate.. i finally feel like surgery might happen for me. like its not as far away as it felt even 3 days ago.

also yesterday there was an event at my grandparents house. lol.. i guess in the big scheme of things we're a bit southern (country if you will). we had a fish & flapjack party. love it? believe me.. its a tasty tasty thing. my grandma seasons like 15 or so lbs of fish for my granddad to fry and i mix and fry a few large mixing bowls of flapjack. sidebar : flapjacks are NOT pancakes: /sidebar so we eat fried croaker and sop flapjacks with agala syrup sometimes with a dalop of sour cream. deeeelicious. the food was GREAT of course. the family... kinda put a hole in my chest.
i dont think ive heard my birthname that many times in the course of 2 hours since i accepted myself as Raymond. i didnt cause a scene or anything, but i just got increasingly more uncomfortable and bit sad as the evening progressed. the best moments were when i could be included in conversation and activity without the use of my name - h-ll the pronouns werent even the killer. during the evening i had..a couple thoughts and i thought i would just share them with .. lol the world i guess. /shrug

reckless thought #1 - i should move far. far far away from here. where they wont have to deal with my transition. no adjustment period.. nothing in their world would have to change outside of a phone call every now and then. i wont have to deal with them, they wont have to deal with me.. and itll be like nothing ever happened.
- obviously not exactly the way to go when you care about your family so much. but i did consider it. i sat there and had that conscious thought.. to just.. run away. cowardly.. easy.. inevitably not the solution.

reckless thought #2 - i looked down in the den where my grandfather, father, and uncle were sitting and thought - i'll never get to be one of them. ill never fit snuggly on that left-over space on the couch in the den at my grandmother's house.
- i dont know this for certain. and i will especially never know if i follow through with reckless thought #1 or simply not try at all. only time will tell. but the thought broke a little piece of me yesterday... and thinking this in the car on the way home.. i almost cried. .. .lol almost.

yeah.. so.. there they go.. feelings and all. sigh..

oh! Happy New Year! lol...

Ray

much better... - shot #20

having left the blog in suspense of what the h-ll is going on.. im feeling much better today. dont have much time to write, but wanted to write something.

that rollercoaster called life never really stops moving.. just sometimes slows down a bit and anyone who wants to jump on/off can during this time. id hate to be the guy trying to jump off the d-mn thing at the bottom of a hill right before we go racing back up towards the sky...

shot number 20 this morning! went very well. i am very happy with the changes, probably even moreso with the ones that everyone cant see.

changes:
- steady (but slow of course) growth of hair on my legs and thighs. i personally really like the hair on my upper thighs near the pubic area. not sure why...
- i can see my side burns growing in. this is way cool - and from what ive noticed one of the things that helps people to notice that youre male - shape/size of side burns.
- fat-be-gone! lol.. laying on the bed naked yesterday Tee goes, "wow - you dont have very much fat left do you?"
[sidebar: yes, i was naked. this is an accomplishment for me cause i dont spend much time naked, especially not with the lights on, in clear and perfect view - which i was.. so.. kudos - for real *smile*]
- the crown.. the hair on my head is growing fast. faster than i ever remember and itches constantly.. lol.. no, i still havent washed my hair.. lol.. we'll get to that
- the kid.. the kid calls me Dad.. *big smile* ...nuff said.

Christmas. Christmas was GREAT... better than i expected. The Kid got a bunch of stuff she wanted.. including a Nintendo DS (this morning actually) - and really its just great that she had such a great holiday. i was super worried of course that we werent going to be able to make it special for her.. but we did. lol.. we're not bad parents! ...sweeeeet.

being around my family was still weird but on the gift my eldest sister got me she wrote "Ray iii". if i could, i may have cried. that meant more to me than i think she realizes.

like i said.. much better than a few days ago.

;)

Ray

whats wrong with me

i feel like if i could only figure out whats wrong with me i could somehow make it ok. i could somehow express that to you and make you want to help me get over it. truth is, i cant make you do anything. but not knowing so many things is driving me insane. not knowing how i feel about the things that are most important to you is driving you away. i dont know whats best for anybody. i will be here however i can. just.. tell me youll try to forgive me one day.. so i can forgive me too.

i never thought the two situations would mirror each other so perfectly. and despite what anyone says im more like her on the inside than anyone else will ever know.

cant fall apart, but i sure as h-ll want to...

feeling... ech!

i randomly remember why i tried so hard for so many years to not feel anything. its the times when what i feel doesnt match with whats going on in the "outside world" that remind me. and i feel dysfunctional when that happens.. like a kid thats just kinda along for the ride that the parents take you on when you cant make any of the decisions for yourself and you just do whatever it is they tell you to do. how can i possibly feel like this at this age.. at this time.. so quick to get blindsided by the disease especially when ive been successful at feeling good for a little while.

and it makes me want to not-feel all over again. but who in their right mind would give up everything good/bad/indifferent to be numb, broken, dull, and empty all over again.. certainly not i. doesnt mean the thought never crosses my mind. still an addict it does all the time.. its the choice i have today that allows me liberty to do something different. what a wonderful gift. i could easily turn into a curse if i learn to hate myself again.. careful... caaaareful..

tip-toe-ing. awfully close to the edge there kid.. you might wanna come back this way.. a little more toward the center..

why share? when i do things go bad.. when i dont things go bad.. think in longer strides.. but the feelings.. the d-mn feelings are no different and come and go as they please. apparently my job is simply to make it to the next.. feeling. sh-t at the rate im going i might get fired.

...

please.. pardon the random.
goodnight...

Raymond

a metaphor

you want to build a house. you search and search looking at all the different houses there are. looking in the hills, through the valleys, on top of mountains, on rocky cliffs near the ocean.. you look and one day riding through the very suburbs you grew up in - you find it. the model house. and you take a good look.. its been sitting here for a good fifteen years...holding up well through storms, occasional snow (even in atlanta), tornadoes, falling trees have missed it by inches, lightening may even have hit it once, but its still standing with no apparent problems on the outside. so you take it - its building plan - and you start to build your house just like your model. except one day someone tells you that your model house is scheduled to be torn down. that its coming down within the year. that it just isnt holding up the way it should and has to come down. that feeling right there? the mixture of disappointment, defeat, fear... all of it.. is how i feel.

ive been in the bed all day long - sleeping. under the weather really...being force-fed theraflu warming every four hours on the dot. im better some for it i think.. but i did realize on the last dose that the unusual/unwanted taste that made my skin crawl every dose.. that i couldnt quite put my finger on before.. is alcohol. not uncommon in cough/cold syrup.. just not my cup of tea - for various reasons...mainly "alcohol is a drug." im cool cause i was taking it as directed but ill suffer.. i dont want anymore of the stuff.

other than the feeling described in that first paragraph, ive been well. nervous at work, but thats starting to pass. its not my job anyway, its the job God gave me and if wants it back He will surely have it back. the same goes for everything else in my life.. i just gotta get over it.. lol.

i want to actually be able to go to work tomorrow.. so ill be getting back in bed soon...

craziness!

worked til 9pm last night.. came at 6am this morning.. just leaving work now.
im tired..

and for about a half hour today i coulda sworn id screwed up so bad id be fired... live and learn eh?
..i still have a job by the way. lol

need sleep. theyre doing interviews at work for a new IT person. its kinda funny cause i remember being on the other side of that. lol.. and its pretty cool cause the CFO of the company goes 'you guy's looking for a Ray Jr.?!' lol.. guess i did make an impression. ;) lol..and still am with the way im working. itll calm down a bit after monthend im sure.

now to go watch the kid in the holiday show at her elementary school.

this is what being a dad is all about eh?

Ray

going..just keep going

ive been on T for four months now. things are going Great. i feel great, i like the way i look, the way things are changing. i wonder where my appearance will end up - if im changing as much on the inside as i am on the outside - if ill ever feel comfortable talking to someone who doesnt get it...

went to the area meeting yesterday. it was fine.. loud and confrontational as normal. afterward i ran into a guy that met me when i looked very different, but a couple months ago i told him about transitioning. the same dude that invited me to sunday football at his house sometime. he asked how things were going with my family and how they were reacting. i told him that there were a few issues, but everyone is ok and they all love me anyway. thinking i could talk to him i mentioned coming out at work and it was like running into a brick wall at 85 miles an hour. he goes into how people at his job are gay or lesbian and they act however flaming or not at work and its ok, but that they dont have to necessarily come out. i tried to explain to him that its not the same thing. he seemed to be of the opinion of 'why cause yourself unnecessary stress at work coming out? youre messing with your livelihood.'
this conversation ended up throwing me into a bit of a funk. ive been fighting it but he kinda got to me. i dont want to risk my job and i dont want to make things hard on me at work, but i do want to be respected. yes - i want to use the mens restroom. yes - i want people to call me sir instead of ma'am, lady, miss, blah blah blah.. especially when i dont LOOK like a nice young lady!!! *sigh* he even brought up the whole "whats your legal name?" bit.. i knew he hit a button with that one. i didnt react or anything, but simply told him that no one at works calls me that and few people at work know that name. ...still..

ch-ch-ch..changes - lol:
- ive got hair growing in rather nicely on my upper thighs, like its spreading from my pubes.. its very straight and i love it. its the same kinda new hair ive got on my lower legs, long and straight.
-my voice dropped a touch again i think. ive been feeling it a lot the past day or so in my chest
-little ray has been extra sesitive lately and i think its cause hes grown enough to poke out a bit. so i get a little d-ck reminder (pun intended) every now and then throughout my day ..lol.
-my mustache is "sexy" ..or at least this is what i hear. its not full grown or nothin, but it is what it is. it did get to the point where i thought i should shave though.. so i got rid of him last night.. but he'll be back.. and with a vengence im sure.. lol
-Tee says my shoulders are broader.. wait.. my homeboy S said the same thing.. huh..must be true. h-ll if they get any broader ill pass for a f-ckin linebacker no problem! lol

when things are good theyre really really good. i like good. will get photos and a vid (youtube) up soon. might even post a couple photos from the amazing-day-long-date me and Tee had on saturday.. man oh man.. *big smile*

Ray

because sometimes its just fun to complain

i got to work this morning and i had to park in a regular parking spot. the gloriousness that is the IT Employee of the Month parking space is over.. le sigh. LOL.

ok.. so im feelin a bit silly, but this is what happens when youve repressed your inner 'little boy' for so long... or at least thats my story and im stickin to it! lol... ive pretty much gone and lost my mind. but its better than reading some crazy drawn-out post of me actually complaining about real-life crap eh? i like this Ray much better.. *wink*

the holidays turned out to be not as bad as they couldve been. not that they were completely drama-free.. not that the kid hasnt lost her mind with that little attitude she somehow continues to find despite my insistence that she lose it *snicker*.. not that Tee isnt under the weather or that we even have gas at the moment.. *smirk.. shrug* BUT.. im doin alright! (and dont worry..theyll be out thursday to turn it back on)

lets see.. no i havent done a video.. yes, i know i should. ive got a couple pimples on my chest that im not eccstatic about. im scheduled for a chest consult with a doc for the end of the month - which is pretty cool. uuh.. its december already.. thats CRAZY! im SO not looking forward to figuring out my taxes... lol. might have to invest in some good software for that.

speaking of software.. my homegirl B wants me to write some software to help out her business. can you say, sidejob?! and the kind im GOOD FOR! thats pretty cool too. oh! and gettin up there in the cool list.. B's all like.. if you just pay for a box of shells ill handle the rest and we can go shootin next weekend.. swizzy! granted she only made the offer last night.. id forgotten until just now.. oo oo Tee can i go? can i can i ?

ok.. yeah.. completely insane. and a bit scattered.. but not in that bad way.
really im sure its just a product of having so much stuff to do at work and not really being sure of how to prioritize since the work covers so many different areas. the thinking about so many different things all at once has carried over into my...blogging. not that i mind cause i still think my job rocks.. but.. ya know.

i do eagerly await blood work results from the doctor visit last week. wondering if my dose will change. wondering if that one piece of candy i made a mistake and ate that day will screw up the results too badly. no, i didnt tell them. i didnt want to reschedule and i didnt particularly want to fast another complete day through work. lol.. ya know.. maybe its the brownie bites that im eating right now too that have me all hyper...lol. didnt really think of that. lol.

ok.. i should be working. i just want people to know that im good. i really am. :)

Ray

happy thanksgiving folks...

ive got a ton to be grateful for. a year ago i was probably still fighting with a shady apartment complex about not having electricity and trying to get the money i paid them back... this year im renting a house near grant park (downtown atl) - its fully furnished, comfortable, and ive got my son back (Chill - the dog).. im the most comfortable ive ever felt in my life on any given day, and i havent found it necessary to use drugs or alcohol for well over 2 years.. haha.. yeah.. ive got quite a lot to be grateful for.

this doesnt make the feeling of impending doom surrounding seeing so much family in one room at one time tomorrow any better.. but hey.. at least ill be able to be present. and at least ill feel good knowing im me. i cant be too worried about how theyll feel. in theory they love me anyway. or at least thats the current general concensus. i just dont want there to be any kind of scene at Thanksgiving dinner ya know? who is to say there will or will not be.. all ive got to do is show up.. vanilla ice cream and case of water in hand.. and stick it out til after the secret-santa-name-drawing. lol....
then its off to my in-laws' house for the same feelings all over again.. except i feel like the people there dont have to love me anyway. i guess its good that Tee invited church family to join us.. that way i can be a little less awkward and therell be more people calling me Ray incase Tee's mom just-so-happens to forget who i am. no..she doesnt know.. as far as my knowledge goes. when she'll find out? /shrug. we shall see.
...geez i want my name changed...

4 day weekend! w00t!

Ray

busy busy busy...doctor...sigh...blah..gripe.. yah!!!

ive been extra crazy busy this past few days.. trying to figure out what the h-ll is going on with the work L was doing.. itll all fall into place.. i just hope it falls into place before monthend.

im scattered and i wish i kinda wish it was just blank. theres stuff there and i cant see what all of it is. i had something on my mind to write about and now its gone. lol.. guess thats what happens when you really get into work. at least i like my job still.

*sigh* i dont have to try to be [i suddenly remembered what i wanted to write...]

i went to the doctor yesterday. i discovered yesterday why it is that transguys dont like going to the doctor. before i went i had my ideas.. thinking that my personal anxiety may have been coming from my previous bout of insecurity surrounding having ambiguous genitalia. and though this is the case currently, this didnt seem to be at the heart of my discontent. in the shower, washing the feelings off i realized that the trip to the doctor was so much more than not wanting someone im not sleeping with to be looking around down there. it was kind of like a little girl sitting on my shoulder whispering evil nothings in my ear ..imposter.. reminding me ..fake.. of the stuff ..girl.. i dont even consciously think about anymore ..ma'am.. trying to throw me off balance ..young lady.. making me feel like my life.. my entire existence is just one huge game of dress-up. and that is not true.
this phenomenon.. i can only see getting worse with time.. not better. i mean...in the long run - ya know? as more and more of your life gets to be male-related and not trans-related at least for a long while its like.. BAM! once/year we strip you down and take you back to your first puberty..the wrong one.. all over again.. but when you leave the office, youre supposed to magically feel better? like it never happened? wait.. no. .. or h-ll, maybe. and what do you do when you CANT leave the clinic and go get a stiff one? cause i sure as h-ll caint (yes...c-a-i-n-t ...spelled for emphasis of how country i get when im feelin what im talkin about..lol)

*sigh*... yeah. heavy. i should go home.. my girl doesnt feel good..

wait... uuh.. changes.. ok.. so ive done 15 shots.. (...sweeeet):
-ive pumped say...once/week or so and i dont know if its just normal growth process or the pumping (probably just normal growth) but ive gained a little length and actually a touch of girth. no - i dont measure.. sorry guys.
-ive got hair on me tummy!!! (spoken in stewie griffin style from that one episode when he's playin the banjo? .. lol calluses on his fingers? no? no? ..yeah im a little sick... *shrug*)
-i get cramps in my muscles all the time.. i really should be drinking more water
-when i got blood word done yesterday i noticed that my blood was totally a different color than im used to.. much darker. Jac said it was probably cause of red blood cell count..makes sense.
-voice.. my voice rocks! ill youtube it soon for ya.. i know i know.. im really bad about that... itll get SO much better when i get internet at my house.. i swear ;)
-the hair on my head.. i swear its growing faster.. Tee! Is it? or is it just me?
-i hear ive got hair on my back.. i have no idea what it looks like though cause its my back.. but i dont think its like a ton or anything.. but.. we'll have to ask Tee that too...

randomness...
a guy at work saw my badge and goes - whoa thats an old picture.. LOL.. ive only been here for 4 months! im not sure if thats a good thing or a bad thing.. *thinks about it* ...huh... lol

ok i really should leave. ok gotta potty first.. but right after that im on my way home.. and thats final!!!

xo

ive crossed over from complex to silly.. all while writing this blog.. a good place to be on the way home to a sick spouse eh?

;)

Ray

...dude... ...work

i wish i could shake the look in his eyes from my mind. if he hadnt been crying already he was surely about to. my guy at work got fired yesterday and im takin it way harder than i expected. ill be responsible for about a third of the work he used to do.. maybe less. but thats not the half of why it sucks. no more lunches and random conversations / venting sessions together leaning on nearby desks - sharing music and websites.. he was after all, the only one id even considered coming out to at work. now theres only hr. not that the other folks here in IT are all that bad.. and i really dont think itll be a problem but.. ill still wish L were here.
its kinda awkward giving a d-mn about someone from work. but he was the supersmart quirky one that reminded me of ubby from college. maybe that explains it...

its Transgender Day of Remembrance today. we will be at the capital building tonight, in the cold, remembering...

"with every testimony comes a test" ...kinda makes you wonder how youre doin in both departments. ...just.. 'yes'

emotionally a little strained.. and it appears to be leaking inside out. i need a book - somewhere thats not work to escape to for just a little while. cause work is sad right now.. and i dont like sad. lol not that He cares whether i like it or not.. im just supposed to feel it and keep it pushin...

i guess you could call this scattered.. or maybe just hungry...

lunch.

Ray

the sermon, the circumstance

sunday was absolutely amazing. or at least it felt that way. the whole service/program was wonderful. things didnt go exactly according to plan, but i dont think anyone hardly noticed. i cant say from my own perspective how i did while preaching, but from the response i got.. i did pretty awesome. i got a compliment on my teaching ability as well as the comment "i didnt know you had it in you" from someone i expected to receive no comment at all. my sister, her husband and son, my mother and her wife, my father and his sister.. all showed up in support of me. amazingness. also a friend of my wife and a couple of my own friends showed, along with my sponsor - sitting on the first row just as s/he said s/he would. it felt really good to be up there. AND after the candle-lighting portion of the program i almost cried. and it didnt bother me.. h-ll i havent cried in over 3 months. ok.. so the tear didnt actually fall from my eye, but thats the closest ive gotten in a while.
theres a video of the homily, taken with our digital camera. its about 15 minutes long though, so ill have to cut it up if i want to post any of it - which im still debating about. i havent even watched it. i dont really think i want to yet.. im sure i will at some point though. for those wondering the title was One, In The Body. my Pastor afterward talked about how proud he was of me.. and about how badly he wanted the manuscript. he's Pastor..he can have a copy. *big smile*
i think it drove home the idea to my family about my trans-identity - which ROCKS... and my sister even talked to me about the message i delivered later.. well.. we texted. but it was good. i like talking to my big sister. ...and i just know the eldest sister wouldve been there too had she been in town. Tee was BEAMING the entire time.. and the response from the people was just great. my mom told me that im going to be a main speaker one day (at an NA convention).. come to think of it, her wife told me the same thing. and of course she almost cried afterwards she was so proud. she still has problems getting my name right.. she'll get it.. im not too worried.
i saw my nephew. that made me feel good. we really do look a lot alike.. i do wonder how that is changing though now that im looking more male. i think he knows i look different, but he treated me the same he always does. hes always been shy around me.. i dont see him nearly as often as i should. but i love his little self soo much. i mean this is the kid that my sister would look at and randomly call me and say 'he really could pass for your child - he looks more like you than me' ..lol.

ok so have you ever heard of saladmaster? its a glorious and wonderful thing. you know how theres always this one thing that your girl wants but you never think youre going to be able to get it for her? well i got it. and it might sound like a partially selfish gift cause straight up its a dope-a-s set of pot/pans.. but its not just an ordinary $400 set.. its like the superduper set-of-all-sets. the ultimate anniversay/christmas gift.. and it will (in the end) cost me about as much too.. lol. an investment in the health of my family.. or at least what ill tell myself when it gets here. h-ll i eat whatever she cooks me.. but itll be way cool for it to taste even BETTER than it already does on the good cookware. *big smile*.. im such a woos (sp?) lol..

Ray

photos...progress

i just assume people can tune into the youtube account ive got going, but even that might not do the trick... at this point i guess it might help to see a pre-T and 3 months T photo.

...rofl.. ok.. i cant FIND a pre-T photo of me on my computer. funny that... anyway.. here's the 3 months on T photo. you can search for the pre-T vid on youtube if you search for raydubiii.. that's me. :)

that guy's kinda cute huh?

i think you can actually see my mustache in that one.. nice. cant reallly see the chin hairs, but theyre extra small so.. *shrug*



ok.. one more photo..

lol.. ok.. i know im a little vain.. but for the first time in my life its honest vanity. not that that makes it any better, but i actually like the way that i look. its kinda amazing. everyday (or week really) as I change I start to get more comfortable with what I see.. I LOVE that.

anyway.. this is my favorite picture of myself.. lol.. that boy is fine! lol.



ok.. enough of that. im at a coffee shop trying to relax a bit before im shut in the house for the night.. lol. i DO have a sermon to finish preparing....

the disconnect

i received a message today asking me if i was going to the protest tomorrow. ...it took me a minute. i then realized that there must be a prop 8 protest this weekend. wait, is there one in atlanta? ...*doh* .. THIS made me realize that i am totally disconnected from the lgb community. in college it was easy to be involved.. and with all of my friends being so activisty (for lack of an actual word) it just kinda happened to me. now that im out here in atlanta, away from my politically-aware core group of friends from undergrad, i generally have no idea what the h-ll is going on. ..and im not exactly proud of that.

of course there is the apparent divide that i hear about often - between the g.l.b. and the t. but my MOMs a lesbian for Chr-st's sake! *sigh* i guess im just a little disappointed in myself.

the weekend begins now. a sleu of people that i know will be at the church on Sunday.. how exciting and scary... the post i put up on the atlanta yahoo group?

"Nov. 16th @ 11am - The Shepherd's Table Covenant Church is having a special service in preparation for Transgender Day of Remembrance on Thursday Nov 20. Your friend and brother, Raymond Walker III, will be delivering The Word on this day. Please come out and support him and the new ministry. 139 Ralph McGill Blvd, Atlanta, GA. visit www.theshepherdstablechurch. org or email info@theshepherdstablechurch. org for additional information.

Please feel free to bring photos of those persons you want to honor and remember. Light refreshments will be served immediately following our worship encounter."

i think Tee is going to tape it.. maybe ill post a clip or youtube.. if i have the guts.. lol.

oh! shot #14 today.. the smoothest a shot in my left leg has EVER gone. good shit. feelin energized today too.. despite the long night (repo'n and such.. lol). ill probably sleep like a baby tonight.. lol. ill do changes updates next time...


Ray

raw

i love, i live, i want to cry
can feel it in my chest..it never makes it to my eyes
insecure, overwhelmed, randomly calmed inside
where does the expression go when your tear ducts feel dry?

shot #13

youll be pleased to hear that i did not stab myself in the leg with a blunt or otherwise insufficient injecting instrument...read: my shot went well this morning. i think i bled more than i was expecting, but that didnt take very long to get under control. and now that i think of it, this may be due to the simple fact of my blood being thicker or just greater in quantity. ill mention it to a doc when i go.. hopefully very soon.

im well. one sister called yesterday and the other messaged today. *smile* contact is good.

hrm.. got a call that Tee was relieved of her job today...oh how bittersweet. i like that she doesnt have to answer to the...[if you cant say anything nice..] her old boss anymore.. but worried about this "her not having a job" thing. oh the internal conflict... i loathe this feeling. doesnt go well with the high blood pressure feeling i also have. i gotta start back working out...supposed to go to muay thai tomorrow. its been like a month.. and now isnt exactly the time to be spending the gas money on the trips.. but i probably need it... again with the conflict. where's my bible when i need it?!

still at work.. trying to "make up" for being a bum all week - getting in almost late and still leaving in enough time to get the kid from after-school before the surcharge. no, its not hectic like this all the time... ... ... wait... *hrm*

on edge...

...might have a few moments alone when i get home... will try to do photos and a vlog. then the challenge of getting the sh-t online. haha.. ill get to it i swear...

must relax. clown'll eat me. [sorry - poor Simpson's reference...]

lates

yo..forgot to mention.. happy 3 months on T to me! woohoo! *blush*

-Ray

a note turned blog material...

i was writing my dude E a note on The Men's Room and i found myself thinking...why am i not blogging this.. lol.. here goes...

i find myself thinking though about just marching into my manager's office, asking him to talk, closing the door, and just letting it rip. the debate really is whether to do that to him, or to the lady in HR. ive really begun to believe that it wont be such a huge deal especially since ive been pretty masculine from the jump (binding and packing since my interview - no matter how "unnoticeable") ... *sigh* /shrug...
theres a part of me waiting on the $160 or so that it will take to change my name. just so whatever they say to me wont delay me any longer.. h-ll ive been on t for 3 months already...

im going insane a little bit in my head.. but its nothing like what it used to feel like...its a quiet place where thoughts just run and collide into each other.. bouncing around kinda like jello. no explosions, no one gets hurt, my feelings stay in tact.. the only noticeable issue is that its harder for me to concentrate on one thing at a time. oh but back in the day it was like h-ll on earth and i wanted to hurt myself constantly. i did get extra irritable yesterday evening, but thats because way too much was going on in and around my head. like a tiny war over whether my spirit was going to smile or cry - arguing loudly but i couldnt understand any of the words... dont ask.. its complicated. ..and im still trying to figure all of that out myself.

still hadnt made that 12 week video and tomorrow is week 13. havent been alone though really, and i could never get a vid done with the kid around - would never even try. thought about making her the camera-woman but i would probably draw a blank on what to say.. not that i come up with these oh-so-profound things to say anyway... lol.

blah.. i feel blah. ...tired. but ok. i do it for my family. i do it cause my mom did it for me. maybe not necessarily legally..but she did it so i could be comfortable. i just want my family to be comfortable. ya feel me? a nap later will help.

there these moments in time and space where it feels like - looks like - the roof is going to cave in and everyone will either be crushed inside.. or will run screaming in different directions never to find each other again. and just when i think its going to implode.. she up and says something to calm the atmosphere all over again. *smile* ..and she says im saving her... *psh* ;)

Raymond

my president is a black dude...

thats crazy! i LOVE it! and for so many reasons. but i still have so many questions at the same time. i wonder if racist people will be made more angry or lighten up a bit - probably a bit of both. i wonder if lazy black men will stop with the obvious and easy excuse. i wonder if black-on-black crime will ease up a bit simply out of solidarity. i wonder if young african american women will begin to dream again of being the first female president. i wonder if all the people who finally decided to vote in this election will keep up the trend and vote again - will pay more attention to politics - will start to care about how they relate to and are seen in the world... but i wonder a lot of things...

ive got to get to my grandfathers house. im sure he will be quite amused, if not just sitting around in tears. his grandfather was a slave - dare i say his father was too (sadly im not sure). but that in and of itself is amazing to fathom. it only took what...5 generations (in MY family at least) to go from slave to President.. the United States President a black man... lol.. yes i DO realize he is mixed. but lets be for real.. no one is going to look at a picture of him and say - well..he's half white. theyll see the photo and see black man. even if they dont he came out of interracial breeding so really...its a win/win. as far as that in concerned anyway.

i think im still in shock...

i wonder if the experience of the newly transitioning black transman will be different from the guys in the past...if the world will change enough in the next few years where the profiling wont be as bad as ive heard some of the guys say it can be. random thought. dont get me fooled, i dont think everything is just going to change overnight..but clearly some things have changed already. its just hard to tell how much from this moderate little city in the middle of a RED state. lol.

im so silly.. i just like to hear them say it...President Barack Obama. ...sweeeeet.

where was i when the election was called for President Obama? in bed very asleep. received an anonymous phone call waking me up.. turned the tv on.. listened to McCain concede.. went to an NA meeting... lol.. "for the first time in man's entire history.." i couldnt resist *under my breathe* "a black man is President..*ahem*.. a simple way has been proving itself in the lives of many addicts..." lol

Raymond III

in preparation

constantly in preparation of the next greater thing..this is what "living life" is made of...

theres a lot to carry cause my life is so full today. i feel really really good. very..close to the Spirit. preparing to preach my first public sermon nov 16. nervous, excited.. in constant prayer.

received an email that was sent out to all of IT and the VP to which our department reports, just a few moments ago. im employee of the month for October...sweet.

i have now been on testosterone for 12 weeks, as i took shot #12 friday morning. i was apparently moving too fast for myself and tried to use the needles backwards (draw-up with 23-gauge, inject with 18-gauge).. its funny today...not-so-much at the time. waste of a needle, kinda bloody situation.. i should definitely get moving around really good in the morning before my shot. *looks around nervously*

changes:
-i love my voice. check the vids on youtube (user: raydubiii). it keeps changing and can sound rather high if i get excited or in-a-rush, but i dont mind cause when im just chill its deep
-apparently my face is shaped differently..i wouldntve notice..but my guy Evan said something about it (thanks dude).
-my chest hair is now totally brown and coming in surprisingly even
-noticed a few chin hairs; my soul patch hasnt grown any..just sits there at the "sprouting" stage
-my mustache comes in really slowly, but very evenly - due to work i wont let it come all the way in, but because it is even..it hurts my feelings more to shave it off...
-my libido is way totally manageable.. watch the doc like up the dose and i have to go through it all over again (i wouldnt complain..after a while Tee might..lol *wink*)
-my muscles are changing shape. i had a lot of muscle pre-T so i dont know if im gaining more, but i do notice that the shape is different.

there was an NA convention this weekend W.E.A.N.A. that i had the pleasure of attending. it was GREAT. i hardly had any qualms about correcting people either. and letting them know that they will get it in-time. being encouraging about it helps whoever it is im correcting - addicts can be very sensitive people..on the flip side they can also be very insensitive. there was one gentleman i even had to pretty much chomp-off. he got the point and fixed himself up...then he texted me and wanted to act brand new. i told him to respect me and not address me as a woman - to which he tripped out in his reply...i responded "glad to know where you stand. please dont contact me again." silence. ...nice. i like people who can follow directions. ...i know that situation sounds a bit harsh..but his motives werent even in the right place. i try to give addicts the benefit of the doubt generally because "some are sicker than others" but he wasnt asking me for my help.

gotta take some photos before friday and do a vid i suppose. people are subscribing and thats really cool. kinda wish i had something to talk about with them though.. i dont think im that exciting of a guy...but im not hard to look at. ;)

Ray

just to be writing

not that there isnt anything to write about cause theres plenty.. i just dont know what to say about it - any of it.

my cousin texted me. shes probably pretty pissed with me and rightfully so. shes been trying to get up with me for like lunch or dinner or whatever for almost 2 years and i have yet to make time for her. lol..kinda proves that guys point about me being an -sshole eh? lol no, not really. i used to drink heavily every time me and her hung out - that was my initial reason for not rushing to get together with her...you know.. a year ago or so. since then though ive been pretty hard for anyone to catch up with and my cousin wasnt an exception. guess i feel kinda bad about it now.. fine time too, since shes one of the people who received my National Coming Out Day text message and if i want to know her opinion in regards to my text then she will wait on me to meet. not that we both couldntve put more effort into getting together (i mean her mom did get me on a fishing trip randomly a few weeks ago) but my part is that i wasnt consistent with calling her back when i clearly couldve been. we shall see how that all plays out. i of course cannot overlook the fact that it had seemed as if she had a problem with my girl.. which i would love to talk to her about.. to see if theres any truth in it. if she does, shes gonna have to get over it cause thats my girl...and if she doesnt then i get to figure out what the real issue is... fun times .. in that not-so-much kinda way. lol more reason for me to have avoided the issue all along yeah? im thinkin so.

the worship encounter at our church this past Sunday was wonderful. we had eight visitors, one of which joined the church. amazing stuff. we went to lunch after and at the conclusion of that excursion a friend of mine (P) called me out, asking me what i was doing in regards to my call to ministry. i told him honestly that i didnt really know what to do. so..i have a conversation coming up with my Pastor about the situation and from there..who knows. more than likely i will attend seminary for my M.Div. and take it from there. i suppose the concern comes from a place where P doesnt want me to let all the other stuff im dealing with deter me from answering the call. makes sense enough.

ive been feeling fairly commonplace lately which is.. pretty amazing actually. its almost like "going through the motions" .. but better. in the way that im actually here to go through the motions.. before it was someone else.. and now i feel like.. me. its strange to have hit this place at 26 years old.. when you think you shouldve been here already. its like.. i dont have to fight with myself anymore. ...dude! (the lightbulb just came on) lol.. i guess the only sad part about this is that now i have to "fight" with everyone that knew the me before. they get to meet the real one now and thats different and scary and strange for them but amazingly wonderful and new but calm and perfect, to me. *wonders if anyone will get that*

changes:
- i orgasm differently. lol thats as blunt as i could get, but its true. feels different.. like its cold instead of hot. i like it so i guess thats really all that matters.
- hair, hair, and more hair...just growing in more. im going to have a natural soul patch (the hair just under your lower lip but above your chin). i can feel the stubble and its itchy. apparently growing facial hair is just generally itchy.. so i have like patches of .. itch.
- muscle appearance..i can tell my biceps are growing. in theory this is good. but im going to be one of those guys where the sleeve of all my short sleeve shirts hugs my muscles. lol apparently if i were a single gay guy that would be hot.. or at least this is what i hear...lol.
- strength.. im much stronger than i think i am. good and bad..im sure you can think of all the reasons why.
- still pretty horny..but managing it better. having a cold and not feeling up to much helps..sadly. not having internet helps too.. again with the sadness. lol.
- pumping.. ive been reading posts etc about this.. so i thought id give it a try. i personally dont think its as gloriously wonderful as some of the guys make it sound (as far as feeling is concerned) .. but if itll help with..things if/when i get a meta..then im down to give it a try or 25. lol.

ok.. time for lunch (left overs)..dinner last night really wasnt bad at all. sometimes she thinks her cooking isnt good and half the time shes just not right. lol... mmm peanut sauce...

;)

Ray

talking to family and such...

the question came up.. from anonymous3 (if you will) about whether i talk to my siblings and my dad. anonymous3 also mentioned how i put them on blast...
i debated some about whether i would talk about my sisters and their responses, but decided that i would - to explain my angst - to let people know that it happens - to show growth (we never know whats going to happen in time to come...) plus i figured..if anyone reading were to know who i was talking about then (if theyd ask) id probably tell them about what happened anyway.
the fact of the matter is, i didnt talk to the middle sister much in general anyway. every now and then we would talk, but not much more than that. we invite each other to special events and i actually like to see her when i do.. i admire her a lot. shes beautiful, shes smart, kind, funny, and straight-forward.. shes an amazing mother, a supportive wife...just a good person. when i see her at family stuff i sit across the room from her and smile because i like her so much. lol...this makes me a little sad cause she may never read this and i dont know if she knows how much i think of her...ive never had the guts to try to sit down and tell her.. and when i would say a little something..it never seemed to matter. it may have just been me...i hope it was. ...i digress... nothing has changed much there. i still dont call and she still doesnt either. just every now and then. i should probably try harder.
my eldest sister..we have talked. not a whole lot..but we didnt talk a ton before either. its almost like i still live on the other side of the country from all of them. really i also dont talk to my mom much either and shes like one of my biggest fans. its a habit ive got to get out of.. one ive been working on (on/off of course) for a couple years now - isolating. its not good for me, but i do it. my lack of meaningful relationships (including those with my family) is partly my own fault. i dont put in the work. im aware of it and its something i hope to be able to get over. the confidence i feel in being who i feel that i am helps. helps make me feel worth the relationship that i crave. helps make me feel worth the things that i want and that i see myself having. aha! ive found the source of my discontent.. i less willing to settle because i realize now that im worth it. its taken SO long to get to this conclusion..ive gotta not let that one go eh?
my father...if youve read the posts about my dad you know how i feel about him already. the man of few (if any) words. oh how i loathe to love him so much. because it hurts more to think that he wont be able to accept me and address me as a man. le sigh. i still talk to him. not regularly...but more often that i talk to anyone else in my family. at least a couple times a week. he calls me randomly with questions about computers/networks/streaming video lol. and i answer and try to help him - almost independent of whether i was busy or not. i get excited when the phone rings and its his number...but worried at the same time of what he will call me when i answer. i call him when i see someone sitting on the side of the road on an offramp with the police - to make sure its not him...

...empty, weary, anxious...

Raymond

comment responses...

thanks folks for your comments on my blog. i really appreciate them - all of them. i would like to address some of them here.

did i send a mass text about my ministry?
.no i did not. the first worship encounter at our new church was not advertised in mass in that manner. plus, i would only send out text messages about my ministry to people who i felt would show interest in attending. and in case youre wondering.. my immediate family knows about me helping out to start the ministry. i have even invited a few of them to attend.

did i send out a mass text about moving?
.no i did not. my address has not yet changed and my phone number is not changing so i didnt feel this was necessary. my immediate family again, is aware of my move.

the person asking these questions however asked them in an attempt to undermine my mass text message about my transition. well...1? it was national coming out day. that's what people do on that day. they "Come Out" - thats was the purpose of my text message. 2? my place of residence and where i minister/worship have less bearing on someone knowing me as a person. who they know me as and how they relate to me however matter very much when it comes to me asserting my identity - transitioning. --but..anonymous1 - if you dont get it after this then you may not at all...such is life.

me becomming an -sshole...
i am very well aware of my ability to be an -sshole. honestly, ive always been that way..just about different things. maybe not to my family but ask any of my friends, or any who has ever been on my bad side. does it really make me an -sshole because i dont want to spoon-feed the people in my life that barely interact with me? am i an -sshole because i take pride in who i am and want people to respect me? sheesh..if thats being an -sshole then i guess i can stop feeling so bad about being one...

*smile*

lovely. i love comments.
by the way...since i have been having a hard time expressing my emotionality in a proper way, id like to say that the comments i received didnt upset me at all. i really do appreciate people taking the time to leave them. i love the support i have received..i even love the little bit of contention for the way i handle things (gives me another perspective), so thanks again folks. i just dont want you to think im upset about it cause im not. kinda amused actually.

starbuck - thanks for the support dude.. WHEN are you coming back to atl, hrm? lol and no pre-T freakouts dude.. youre going to be fine..and your going to feel GREAT. esp post-op. lol
anonymous2 - youre right. i shouldnt disconnect from the people who love me but if they are not able to respect me at the same time then i will have to do what i have to do. of course i will give everyone time.. i will give my grandparents longer than i give anyone - since they might not be here in ten years to "make up" ya know? but there are some things that cannot be compromised..like your sense of self. i send out love and prayers now and will continue to do so. thank you for the advice.

sweetness...

Raymond III

it might just be official

i was supposed to start my cycle yesterday and it didnt come. pessimistically i waited for it all day yesterday and even for a little while today and... it didnt come. Sweeeeet. its like my frickin birthday or something!

i came out to my grandparents last night. i could see the distraught confusion on my grandmothers face as she chose her words carefully finding it in her little body to tell me that she loves me no matter what i am. that was the highlight. the rest was bittersweet. my grandma telling me point blank that she didnt think she could ever call me Raymond. her asking me "couldnt you just be a boy in a girls body?" my reply? "i could. but id be a very uncomfortable, unhappy, depressed boy in a girls body" she also asked me "why" ...so simply a question..but loaded with so much emphasis, so much intrigue. i asked her if she held a picture of herself in her head. she said she did.. i asked if hers looked like her. she said it did. i told her simply that mine didnt. told them that i was tired of feeling like a guy but being treated like a woman.
"how long have you felt this way?"
"since freshman year of college"
"why do something about it now? whyd you wait so long?"
"when i figured it out, i looked up stuff about it..thought about it and thought.. 'this cant be right.' and i used other things to keep me from thinking about it. i dont have things to keep me from thinking about it anymore. and i dont think its ever going to go away."
that's the best i could do.. i gave them all i could.. and i didnt cry - not that i could (not on T).
it went better than i thought it would.
i had to defend my name choice.. or at least thats what it felt like. halfway through my grandfather said he didnt have a problem with it..but he still debated that my nephew was Raymond III.. INCORRECT.. his last name isnt W*****...MINE is.. His father isnt Raymond Jr. MINE is. My mother wouldve named me Raymond III.. and that is the name I am taking.

im proud of myself.. because it was hard, and i was scared..and i didnt cry.. i didnt get upset. i answered the questions they asked.. i took their commentary with a grain of salt. they even asked all the questions i ever thought about my family.. what will my nephy call me? how will he see me? what will my cousins (who are old enough to know whats going on and have known me a while) think/say/do/act...? i didnt tell them then, but if they bring it up again i will.. i can no longer afford to be worried about other people as far as this matter is concerned. if they wont have me then i will not be forced upon them. i have my mother. one of my sisters is receptive. and i have a lot of guys that care about me .. that i should call more often.. to pick up any pieces my family is pulling off. im going to be fine. a-ok. no matter what.

*deep breath* two loads off eh?

shot 10 this morning. thats a nice round number.. i think i should be having cake or something.. lol. no - i just like birthday cake a lot.. lol. injected my T myself in my left leg. it went MUCH better than the last time i did it in my left leg. that was horrible..this was ok. a touch sore, but nothing a little rubbing wont get rid of im sure. im going to take more pictures probably tonight..before i shave. (i want my little beginning hairs to come in right. lol - plus i bought a wet/dry shaver with a gift certificate S bought me for my bday ;) good stuff.)

changes:
-my chest and stomach hair continue to get darker..and i guess a little longer.
-head hair has been itching like crazy..but i should probably just wash it.. im so lazy...
-my clothes fit poorly these days...i cant wait til i can buy some stuff.. soon enough..soon enough.

ok.. i should go home.
we're in our new house! we still have to clean the apartment from h-ll..but the house is going to be great. im still excited. ok.. lates...

hey...if i ever leave something out.. just ask me in the comment and ill post about it eh? i know i forget things sometimes.

sweeetttttt....

Ray

it...gets worse

so.. i guess i just didnt know what the guy meant when he said that it gets worse..but yes. yes it does get worse. like.. i had started to be able to distract myself a little bit from the urge. yeah.. not anymore. its worse than say...last week. like it strikes faster and harder...lol.. ... ... yeah.

shot 9 on friday..went.. well.. Tee was there so i asked her to give me the shot.. shes all "sure ill poke you in the @ss, anytime babe" *snicker* im all "ill remember that." i lay down (usually when she does it im standing) and i hear "ready? ...um, theres blood..what do i do?" that explained the pain... i had just been thinking.. "its never hurt like that before" ..guess that makes sense. oh..yeah.. i threw the T out.. addict that i am i really didnt want to.. but there was blood in it so... *sigh* these things happen. she had to go to work by then so i injected in the leg and went about my business...no pain, not even the next day.. i did end up with a bump there though...like my muscle was mad i stabbed him. i would be too..so i can relate. ha!

other than the urge to wake my sleeping girlfriend to give me blow jobs so i can get to sleep.. im fine. still trying to deal with my feelings. im volatile. not that ill explode, but the mood will certainly change.

the ministry is getting off its feet. we have our first worship encounter this sunday. 139 ralph mcgill blvd. its 9am this sunday, but coming sundays we will worship at 11am. its going to be.. amazing. weve been having prayer and study on wednesdays for a few weeks now and even that has gone extremely well. im excited. nervous..but more excited. geez.. we better get an announcement out and online huh?

i talked to my sponsor on the phone this weekend.. that was great. and i also did some writing on my step 1. i gotta do better with the writing.. so i can stop being so d*mn crazy. lol.

we painted the kid's room in the house we are renting. im so ready to move its not even funny. but we're doing that this weekend.. so ill be fine. pissed that aarons can only move our stuff on wednesday..but really glad to be moving out of the infestation that is our current apartment. the bugs right now? really a problem..like for serious.

hahaha! oh! so on saturday - National Coming Out Day - i sent out a text message that read something to the effect of "Its National Coming Out Day. Im a transsexual and transitioning to be male. Peep the blog: http://rayunbound.blogspot.com. Love, Ray" LOL.. i was entertained. i didnt receive as many responses as i wouldve liked, but i got one the same day and two the following day. no family that i sent it to replied. ...part of me just got fed up with the i have to come out to every crap feeling.. and another part of me frankly doesnt give a d-mn anymore and just wants everyone to know so life can resume..or begin really.

ok.. so i started this post on monday and didnt finish til tuesday so im going to go ahead and put it up. i think ive mentioned enough here. lol

no apparent changes other than the extreme...urge. for lack of a better way to put it.

lates.

Raymond

a complex i wasnt expecting

lots of things going on in my head lately.. very few of them make it out of my mouth. i spend a lot of my free mind-time thinking about sex.. or trying to not think about sex. of course it requires me to not be angry too.. cant think of sex while im angry. sad..but true. lol maybe thatll change too...

anyway.. im sitting around kickin it on the mens room (http://mensroom.ning.com) and i go to look at some photos. now..this is after i have that whole "dude.. im not alone" revelation.. its cool! but im over it.. so im lookin at some of the new photos that have been posted and im like.. dude.. some of these guys are extra hot. *pause* what?! theres nothing wrong with thinking that whyd you just freak on yourself?! i dunno.. thus the pause.
so i give this weirdness in my head some more thought and i come to realize.. i think i have a complex about being attracted to seemingly non-feminine guys. w..t..f..?! tell me this aint confusing.

i guess the deal is that i know that i like femininity. i like women. i like slightly feminine men. i like transwomen. i like slightly feminine transmen. but i found my mind wondering about a guy that did not come across at all as feminine in the photo.. and THAT my dear friends caused me pause. but how in the h*ll could i have that complex...insecurities about my own masculinity i suppose. i mean.. i generally believe that im simply attracted to whomever im attracted to.. so why on this beautiful earth would i be startled about a little old sex-fantasy-attraction to someone not feminine?! bah! puberty bites sometimes. im too grown to worry about this sh*t.. lol.

*sigh*.. just thought id share what i was going through.
one of the older guys did warn me about this one though...at least. *smile*

im going to a meeting tonight. im not as anxious as i usually am on a thursday night (thank God), but im still a little out there. wanting to smoke (cigarettes of course) .. and just not willing to buy the pack.. not today. pray God i continue on that road tomorrow. im tilting in that direction though.. and i know its not a good thing. the feelings though are way stronger than i couldve expected.. at least im clean though right? cause if i didnt have that.. id STILL be up sh*t creek..and drinking/drugging my way to jails/institutions/death. this is definitely the better way.. i just wish i had something to soften the blow..lighten the burden... it hurts a little. ya dig?

...Raymond

all bottled up

so much so that i burst.. inside.. often. ive got all these emotions, worries, feelings. all the same ones id had before. i just dont wanna talk about them now. and when i do, i cant find the words. im sad, im angry, im sensitive, im scared... and most of all i dont know what to do about any of it.

im the GSR (group service representative) for my NA homegroup and went to area on sunday. i think that was the first time id told a guy that i dont know very well about me being trans and in transition. it was empowering in a way and he took the news quite well - like he didnt wig out on me or anything. i even kinda got invited to a mens only football night his wife lets him have at the house (like she cooks for them and everything). but i was scared - and its the same fear i live with everyday and especially every meeting i go to. i wanna just be Ray.. another random guy in a meeting just trying to stay clean. NOT *birthname*- NOT *mom's name*'s daughter - just Ray. and NO, i dont want to come to your women's meeting - women's step study - or women's event. thanks.

im at a loss. i need to see jack. im worrying my freakin pants off about work and about money. im fantasizing about and romanticizing the drink. i havent done any stepwork in months (probably about two) and im illin about going to meetings. ..there was that one time i went to the late meeting on buford hwy and was taken for male. good stuff.

ok.. where i am about work and not being out is way freaky. cause i love the voice changing thing.. i love the little mustache i need to shave off.. but i go to work and having these great things - this wonderful male puberty finally happening to me - feels like a burden. im scared to come out and i be d*mned if im going to stay in much longer. i just want to be prepared in case i lose the great job ive got. speaking of prepared.. and i know its a giant leap backward but when i stopped by starbucks the other morning, i asked the asm (assistant store manager) there - who knew me from before - if i needed it, if i could come back to work there.. she of course said yes. she doesnt know about the trans thing.. but thatll be an easy tell to her. and its written into their non-discrimination policy..whereas gender is not included in the policy at my current job.

see.. im going insane. and i dont know who to talk to or what to say. i know i cant drink - thats not the solution. but what to do, what to do...

changes:
-the s/o noticed that my eyebrows have gotten a tad thicker.
-youll really have to catch me on youtube and tell me whatever else youre noticing thats different.. besides my voice continuing to drop.. i dont know what else to talk about here.
-hair is continuing to grow in..but not really in any places that i havent named already.
-using the mint julep mask on my chest is working. strange but true. maybe i wont have to switch from injections to gel afterall. (a guy at SCC mentioned this to me.. he'd had terrible acne on his chest that cleared up when he switched from injections to gel. i dont really want to switch.)

tis all... *sigh*

Ray

bad nerves - good times

44 people got laid off at my job today. to put it bluntly, im scared. its not that i dont do a great job because i do, but honestly if there is someone around thats going to cause discord in any nature.. with the way we're trying to cut back.. there would be no reason to keep them. i want to believe that my work would sufficiently advocate for me and that my potential would shine light on any shadows of doubt.. but im just plain old scared. not that i knew when i was going to come out, but i guess im pretty happy it wasnt last week. and im EXTRA happy that i still have a job today.

my weekend was beyond amazing. i met some of the coolest ladies, gents, older folks, everything at SCC this weekend. i learned a ton, made a caboose-load of contacts, and had an absolute BLAST just hanging out and talking to people. My friend A did indeed come up from Florida and we pretty much hung out late every night.. we didnt even find time for Wii (there's always next time).

i had shot number 8 on friday. went well. A was there and got to watch - so that was kinda cool.

i guess thats really all ive got to say today. there was a point this weekend where i got really uncomfortable and really kinda scared. scared of Tee wigging out on my one day. scared of not being able to handle myself and all that goes along with the transition. its not quite enough to stop me.. but it does make me worry. wont be surprised if a hair or two on my chest comes in gray. heh...

Ray

a 13-year-old boy

i am a pubescent boy trapped in the body of a twenty-six year old and it sucks. ok, not really. its just really uncomfortable sometimes. i have yet to figure out what little boys who dont know what to do about sex-drive-feelings do with themselves. i can only begin to imagine what the young guy who hasnt been explained what sex IS thinks during this time. thus the plight of the misinformed youth... talk about a random bit of insight i wasnt expecting.

ok.. i heard an older guy say it and i didnt exactly know what he meant at the time, but im starting to get an idea. he told me that on T, you can never really know what to expect your mind to be thinking. that you might fantasize about stuff you never thought you would. well.. i dont know if i never thought id be fantasizing about some of these things.. truth be told ive had some pretty wild fantasies and dreams in my day... but.. *sigh* yeah. and they arent disturbing so much as.. i knew they would come. lets just say i pretty much know what all i am and have been attracted to over the years. ive even tried quite a few activities.. granted i may have been loaded for the majority of them. so i really shouldnt be surprised when certain thoughts come to mind, and im not. ..it just makes me worry a little. the older guy? he says that everything might change. your sexuality may change, your fetishes may change, all of it. as broad as my "likes" are now.. i wonder how different they might become..

shot 7 went off pretty well. the aspirating the needle is weird and makes me nervous since injecting air into your body doesnt sound really seem like an ok to thing to do. but it is air that came OUT of my body...so that should make it ok... *sigh* whatever. the site was sore for about a day.. but nothing like last time. i used my right hand of course.

so we've gone and done it. we've launched the ministry. i just know its going to be a wonderful thing. i dont know what to say about it though, so ill let the website speak for itself. http://www.theshepherdstablechurch.org. ...sweet. (peter griffin style)

so i signed up on the ftmMentors site and THAT is pretty cool. i think a lot of people will be helped if they can keep that site going.

dude! SCC is like.. this week! And i got the time off of work so i get to hang with my tfolk ALL weekend long..starting thursday. thats gonna rock. plus my friend A is coming up from Florida to play.. lol ok, ok hes really coming for the conference, but STILL... we're totally gonna play. hes gonna bring his Wii. im stoked. a bit nervous..but mostly just stoked. oh.. SCC is Southern Comfort Conference a transgender conference held in Atlanta yearly http://www.sccatl.org/..and i got a scholarship to go.. loooong story on why i cant afford it. but im going and thats all that matters. and im WAY excited.

i guess thats really everything thats going on. went fishing for the first time life on Saturday. i liked it a lot more than i thought i would. and im pretty good at it...casting that is. dont know how someone is good at fishing.. i guess if the fish dont get away often... im sorry.. now im just rambling.

i really should get to the gym. laters!

Ray

shot 6, life, family

had my 6th shot o' T on friday. in an attempt to change the injection location i ended up with a sore spot on my thigh muscle for like two days. im sure it didnt help that after id poked around in there with the needle a bit (im SO not ambidextrous) i worked out way hard at the gym that night. ..meh. these things happen.

ive been way busy at work and despite the desire to blog, hadnt really been able to set aside the time. i had even been trying to write some of it in my head so maybe if i found a little time, it would make the blogging quicker. to no avail. some of the past few days i hadnt even been able to check up on my yahoo groups. suppose im stacking up the job security though.. performing my booty off so when stuff goes down i dont go down with it. ;)

something i wanted to say.. kinda to everyone whos reading thats been a part of my life. my current situation and decisions are not based on anything youve said or done. *lol i hate bushes* ...im not a transman because of anything you said to me or did to me. im not transitioning in order to get some prize for being a man. im transitioning because i want to be treated the way that i feel. i want to be respected for the man that i am in my spirit. it has nothing to do with how you treated me in the past, anything you may have said to "hurt my feelings," anything i couldnt do because of my biological femaleness (is that a word? ...you know what i mean). my transition isnt about anyone other than me. its what i want and what i feel will make me more...me.
if anything..over the years there were things that happened and things that people said to make me feel like my maleness was wrong. that made me feel like i was less of a person because my inside didnt match my outside. and yes, i spent years upon years trying to change the inside to match the preconceived notions of what the outside should be... but much to my pleasure, those days are over now. we all gotta grow up about it and understand that this is my life and my decision. as much as it hurts us both, we kinda gotta get over that and come to a conclusion. either youre going to continue to be in my life or youre not. it sounds harsh, but its the truth. you dont have to agree, you dont have to "support," but you DO have to respect me. call me what i desire to be called, refer to me with masculine pronouns or dont deal with me at all..how bout it?!

ive shared about it in a couple meetings lately and its pretty much whats going on with me. i am far less willing to put up with things that i dont like anymore. the gender thing, and being recognized appropriately.. is quickly approaching my list of things. which is kinda funny cause really i can only pass about a quarter of the time at most. lol..im actually starting to confuse people since my voice is dropping - kinda excited about that.

changes:
-little man still growing - got wider and a touch longer. thought id mention it for people who are concerned
-that little 5'oclock looking blotch of baby mustacheness is the joy of my life - though i should shave..cant go growing a mustache and not being out at work, i suppose
-im definitely going to have chest hair. i dont have a problem with that. looks like quite a bit of the hair follicles will be removed during top surgery. i dont mind either way. the blonde hairs that were there before are continuing to darken and are still really thin, but growing.
-i have pimples on my chest. this is weird and at first i thought maybe i was just attacked by a small family of spiders or something (proves how much i know about pimples and what they look like), but my s/o says theyre pimples. ok. sucks..but whatever.
-the stomach that has grown on my stomach is brown, but there isnt much and its new so its short
-i dont have very much fat left on my calves and my s/o seems to think my thighs are getting smaller. these could be due to the muay thai and jiu jitsu classes..but id bet on it being a combination of that AND the T
-the amount of flat my chest gets is nice. theres extraness of course, but i think i do pretty well in that area (as far as looking relatively male)...as long as im not moving around a ton. all that goes out the window if im not wearing my t-kingdom binder at the gym. lol. which ive done once and was VERY happy with.
-i still get pimples on my face, but when i remember to use it, the mint masque clears those up pretty fast. good stuff.

all in all, i feel very real. very present. which is saying a lot really. the last time i felt this real was on my t-birthday. before that was really late one random drug-induced night..i looked up at the sky through the trees out in front of my apartment in hollywood and i said out loud something to the extent of...i really have a problem. i have a problem and i need help. i cant keep doing this. the high i had went away and whatever else i did that night was a waste cause i couldnt really feel it anyway. but looking up at the sky and the trees that night. those things were real. all of that was real. for so much of my life the world just looked like a figment of my imagination. i mean.. i know it was all there..but its what it felt like to me. ...*wondering if i make any sense to anyone else in the world right now*

should be working...

lates

Ray

blahze yadda

for lack of a better title i suppose. that and ill probably be all over the place with this post. you have been warned. *smile*

im generally doing well. not on the 1400 calorie diet anymore.. which means more meat for me woohoo! which also means that at Tee's grandmother's birthday dinner i had hibachi filet mignon ( i have expensive taste) and yesterday beef salami and lemon pepper chicken on the two sandwiches i had for lunch. teehee! mmmmm meeeeeaaaaat. guess that could go in the changes section really.. i hear its something that happens...meat cravings.. from the T.
that night after the birthday dinner i came out to grandma. she was very supportive and pretty much told me that i have to be who i am. that rocked. amazingness. esp considering the reaction Tee got from her when she told her she was a lesbian about 9 years ago...but then again.. it was 9 years ago. people change. especially as they start to get old. youd think this fact would make me less warry about coming out to my own grandparents.. it doesnt. my grandfather is what scares me really.. but.. the skins getting thicker - both inside and outside. it was kinda crazy though cause she even said that she would help out when it was time for me to get surgery.. o.O.. SWEET! pray God i wont be hunting around for too much help..but exciting to know that help is there..ya dig?

about thicker skin...im much less likely to put up with things i dont like. i cannot see this going well for me or anyone around me. its liable to start some disagreement. its not that im not willing to compromise, im just gonna call you on your stuff. if i dont like it.. i at least want you to know i dont like it.. whereas before id just suck it up and not even mention it. now ill mention it and probably make a move to do something about it.. which will probably get on your nerves and then force us to talk about it - (or fight about it depending on moods). which is fine.. i just dont like to be the bad guy..which is kind of what it makes me...? scratches head.. [no really.. i actually scratched my head on that...] *sigh* ...*shrug* these things happen.

i finally made another youtube vid! it kinda touches on a few of the things id been going through the past month - for greater detail though just read up on here and all (except for the extra personal stuff with the s/o - that you can email me about *wink*) has been outlined.. you even get to read my emotions about it.. *blank stare* ... guess thats a good thing.

shot #5 went off without a hitch and i even gave it to myself friday morning - in the leg. i did find myself worrying about leaving T in the needle.. but really? im a recovering drug addict.. im just kinda that way. like..i dont like to leave crumbs from my food - i dont like to leave any liquid behind when i have a drink... stuff like that. obsessive. it happens. im proud of myself though.. for giving myself my own shot. feelin all independent and stuff..which is cool.

i sometimes worry about being co-dependent. not often, but at times i do. thing is.. i am fine with doing things myself - by myself - and/or for myself ... i just like to do them with Tee. i like to include her in the things that i do and be included in what she does. if i wanted to be alone, id be alone. but im a bit old fashioned too.. and i think this is where i resemble some co-dependent traits. like.. she's my girl.. i want to know where she is and what shes doing cause i want to be able to protect her or be there if she suddenly needs me. i want to know who i need to be looking for if something ever happens to her. i want to know shes safe and know when shell be home .. just all out of the fact that shes with me and not with some ghetto, non-chalant, non-caring prick who doesnt give a sh*t about where his girl is and what shes doing as long as shes f*cking him too. does that make sense? i guess now-a-days its called overprotective. ive had to lay off it lately.. and its been ok. just leaves me feeling a little anxious at times, is all. id like to think that if she didnt want to be with me that she would just leave me.. i dont know if i believe that to be true.

grr - starting to worry about what i write.. never a good sign. what to do? dont delete any of it and just keep typing... lol. dont get me wrong.. things are always getting better. but sometimes i stop and look up cause i feel like theres another shoe up there somewhere just waiting to fall...

changes (granted ive mentioned some above):
-ive got a few short very dark hairs on my upper lip.. oooo mustache. *big smile*
-Tee says she can feel a little roughness when you go "against the grain" on my face. i thought that hair was too fine to feel, but my hands are kinda rough so that might be why i cant feel it.
-chest hairs appear to be beginning to darken..oooo. i already had some short blonde hairs on my chest but i think i have more of it now and its actually turning brown. i dont mind..but i think Tee might.
-sex drive - rediculousness! so i asked a cismale friend about it and all he could say to me was "Welcome Sir" lol

i took a couple photos this weekend: face, profile, 2 arm shots, 1 bicep shot - ill probably post those soon...just dont have them with me at work.

thanks for checkin up on me eh? *smile*

Ray

extended family

went to my grandparents house today. i love my grandparents so much. right now - as far as i know - they dont know. while i was there, i could hear the lowering of my voice. i didnt sound exactly like the girl i sounded like last time i heard my voice bounce off the walls, plants, couches of their home. and i got scared. i got scared someone would ask me about it and i wouldnt know what to say. scared of the repetitive screaming "IM A TRANSSEXUAL" inside my head. wondering if it was going to stumble out of my mouth by mistake the next time i opened it to speak.
it went well. my cousin showed up.. next target. she'll "share" the news with my grandma (at least) for sure and itll all come down after that. granted i think im going to write my grandma another letter. i wrote her once in college. i dont really remember what the letter said. now that i think this over.. and recall the story of receiving the letter that my cousin tells i guess i told her i was a lesbian. lol. for lack of a better understanding... that and i wanted so bad to just fit into one of those neat little boxes in college. little did i know id be trapped in that "neat little box" til i was 25 SCREAMING.. ACHING.. CRYING to get out and be the real me.
my dad showed up too. i think he could hear it. only because i think i get how i pay attention to detail from him. i think he was happy to see me. i didnt stay long after that but it was good to see him. my dad..how i love him...

dad - she - mom - he...the kid was confusing herself all day. and as Tee told her to "just pick one for home and stick to it" (good advice if you ask me) i finally got it. i think i get why its hard for her to hear Des call me dad. after all how can that be ok with you when youre not even sure that this is who the man in your house is going to be...? after our conversation last night im ok with whatever. she doesnt have to call me that. i dont deserve it really - and thats just in my own eyes. she should only be calling her biological and the man her mother marries "dad" - and for the first time for real.. thats ok with me. i cant lie and say that i wouldnt love it, because i would. but.. its ok - really it is. [of course this is just speculation...but it makes sense]

i will have been on T for one full month on tomorrow.. ive really got to get a video done....

..and a step wouldnt hurt either.

Ray

love - like - live

its difficult to hear that your very being hurts someone you care for so deeply. its the truth though, and id rather have that than nothing or a lie. so.. we just keep going and we see what happens next. i cant help but think about that one dinner conversation where a good friend of ours told us that we were being very "mature" about the situation - commending us even. but i feel so small, so young, so inexperienced - new - lost.. estranged. and its a mutual feeling. like im floating away half the time til my tube bumps the other end of the pool and i float back to meet her in the middle.. only to float away again.

shot 4 this morning. it actually stung a little which i found strange...but no one ever said itd be the same every time. one day ill give myself my shot. i keep trying to figure out if im afraid to..i dont think i am. but i am the master of talking myself into (or out of) things. part of the nature of the disease...not GID..the other one. ;)

so apparently ive got to give everyone time to catch up to the twenty-five or six years ive had to deal with my gender problem. ok - i think i can do that. ill still feel what i feel about it...but i can do it. its just a strange place to be at when youve finally come to an understanding of something and a solution, but the people around you dont quite see the solution the way that you do. i dont know if strange is the right/only word...uncomfortable, frustrating..just to name a few. i mean, im not complaining, im just venting really. i know i cant change what other people think/do/feel - thats what makes the world such an interesting place. but grant me my feelings about it too.

im scared to be honest. i dont like being the reason why someone else is hurting. it makes me feel like there is something i can do to fix it. with this situation, i dont think that there is. not completely. no one should ever have to compromise their being for someone else. compromise some things yes, but not who they are. its not fair to them. so somehow i have to find out how to be fair to her. how to let her be the woman i fell in love with. easier said than done seeing as how im not the person she fell in love with.

a little boy that has to be a grown man..or at least learn really quickly. im workin on it..just not fast enough.

Raymond

it starts...

so before i was all.. 'i havent been extra horny or anything..just horny at inappropriate times'... *sigh* lets just say..its been a looong day. ive managed to feign productivity..at least.

less upset by extenuating circumstances. nervous about dinner with my sister..even though i dont know when we'll have time to get together. lol.. i still worry waaaay too much.

kickboxing the other day was phenomenal!!!! muay thai class with Tony Tuchi at X3 Sports..good stuff. he wouldnt let me spar since it was my first day, but he could tell i really wanted to. and i stayed the extra hour for jiu jitsu. that was cool too. today? im so sore...its great. the workout was extremely similar to what i had been doing when i was training in L.A. which is probably part of the reason i enjoyed it so much. and Tony has a sense of humor which is cool. while i was signing up as a member i asked dude signing me up "how liberal do you think your staff is?" he basically said that they werent a bunch of big macho jerks. i told him id asked because im transgender..transmasculine and plan on transitioning and just want to know if thats going to be a problem cause id hate to sign up for a year and not want to come back after 6 months. he said he didnt think it would be a problem. i probably couldve picked better words, but i was nervous and the point of the story is that i did it! i was proud of myself.

hrm.. writing that blog helped. ok.. i still havent done a youtube update. i suck, i know. ill get to it.. i hope. shot tomorrow..woohoo! i do wonder when the "excitement" of the shot will wear off.. if ever. i kinda hope it doesnt. lol

changes:
-still feeling the hair on my arms growing..which is weird but cool. had on shorts the other day and could feel that i also have new and longer leg hair. hard to notice cause im usually wearing jeans.
-im almost positive my urine odor has changed some. i dont have a problem with it, its just different. but i do generally remember to put the toilet seat down so i dont get yelled at for that anymore. :)
-little guys grown a little more since last i mentioned him. i dont like talking about him though so dont go hoping i mention him everytime i update this. lol
-ive been a bit distant. jack might say something about me spending lots of time in my "cave." and maybe that i need to hang out with my friends and get in some "guy time." distinct possibility. maybe i just need to go to a freakin meeting!!!! *sigh* (more on that later)
-still fighting off a mild breakout with the mint julip mask - but it works so im not worried.

thats pretty much it. oh the meeting stuff.. yeah.. i need to find a meeting that i really really like. so ill like..want to attend and pay attention and participate. ...*looks around*.. yeah. i need help.

ok.. i should be working... lates!

im in a really good mood right now.. can you tell?

*smile*

Ray

a.b.r. - another bad reaction

a little dazzed and confused today. lack of sleep. i had the hardest time getting there last night...to sleep. talked to the middle sister. im not quite an abomination but apparently if God wanted me to be a boy then i wouldve been a boy yadda yadda. and she also doesnt think im a boy. it must be nice to be on the outside. and it must be confusing as h*ll to be at a place where you cant just accept someone else's feelings and experiences as their truth - especially when its something pertaining to themselves and having zero to do directly with you. at least she'll "love me no matter what" but ill "always be [birthname]" to her. thats the nicest hurtful thing i think ill ever hear - and im sure ill hear it many many many more times over the next year..and hopefully fewer times each year after that. but shes right about something. no matter how much id like to not.. i do care what my family thinks. but i cant let that change what i feel i need to do for me. and what hurts the most now is that i dont want to see either of them. they dont get it and they wont get it for a long time - if ever. and i dont have to put myself in their "way" cause its my life and i get to decide now what i do and when, where i go, and when i leave - and in their presence is not a place i want to be. not while they feel like im wrong.

i got angry about it last night. i dont like angry. she cried. she cried like i had done something to her. like someone had done something to me.. and it only pissed me off. it pissed me off because if there was a single person who i felt wouldnt let me be who i was as a child it would have been her. and she says "whoever has made you feel like youre anything but perfect, F*CK THEM!" it took all the grown man in me to not say "well f*ck YOU then" and hang up the phone. see, that wouldve just been wrong and i didnt want to have to apologize to her for anything so i let her cry and rant and kindly removed myself from the conversation as quickly as possible after that. i dont have to react to her stuff today. she can have that all by herself. good luck with it.

so today im a bit bummed and i want to cry.. no i dont want to cry, but i feel like im going to. id really rather not. my mom loves me. she loves and accepts and understands and supports me. her, Tee, and the kid. if thats all i got of family from now on thats fine - its better than nothing. i swear, when i get my name changed if you cant get it right i dont know who youre talking to cause it aint me. yeah..im bitter. tryin to get it out so it goes away. muay thai tonight might help..ill let you know.

i want to take the little piece of family that gives a sh*t about what im feeling and just run away. i dont think my dad would ever tell me if it hurts or if he doesnt like it. thats good and bad i suppose. theres a part of me that still wants to be him when i "grow up." i think id ball up and die if he felt even a couple of the things my sisters do. i really really hope i get over that feeling before he says anything. this is why i cried so hard last night. im scared. hes the only one that hasnt said much either way and if hes not going to be ok with it then im just done. id have to find a completely new name.. last included.

because i hurt so bad i want to just go to my grandparents house. disclose my status in an annoucement. leave information (definitions etc) explaining what it all means and transition. tell them that in a few choice words that they dont have to call unless theyve got something good to say and leave. if i get a call about christmas cool, if i dont screw it. not in an attempt to hurt any of them of course.. but to protect myself. i dont owe anyone an explanation. and if someone doesnt want to take the available opportunity to educate themselves then so be it. nothing i can do about it.

i love the new hair on my arms and legs. i like the way i think i look different in the mirror. i like how comfortable ive been feeling lately.. just like a regular guy. i am who i am... everyone wont like it. these things happen...

Raymond