all bottled up

so much so that i burst.. inside.. often. ive got all these emotions, worries, feelings. all the same ones id had before. i just dont wanna talk about them now. and when i do, i cant find the words. im sad, im angry, im sensitive, im scared... and most of all i dont know what to do about any of it.

im the GSR (group service representative) for my NA homegroup and went to area on sunday. i think that was the first time id told a guy that i dont know very well about me being trans and in transition. it was empowering in a way and he took the news quite well - like he didnt wig out on me or anything. i even kinda got invited to a mens only football night his wife lets him have at the house (like she cooks for them and everything). but i was scared - and its the same fear i live with everyday and especially every meeting i go to. i wanna just be Ray.. another random guy in a meeting just trying to stay clean. NOT *birthname*- NOT *mom's name*'s daughter - just Ray. and NO, i dont want to come to your women's meeting - women's step study - or women's event. thanks.

im at a loss. i need to see jack. im worrying my freakin pants off about work and about money. im fantasizing about and romanticizing the drink. i havent done any stepwork in months (probably about two) and im illin about going to meetings. ..there was that one time i went to the late meeting on buford hwy and was taken for male. good stuff.

ok.. where i am about work and not being out is way freaky. cause i love the voice changing thing.. i love the little mustache i need to shave off.. but i go to work and having these great things - this wonderful male puberty finally happening to me - feels like a burden. im scared to come out and i be d*mned if im going to stay in much longer. i just want to be prepared in case i lose the great job ive got. speaking of prepared.. and i know its a giant leap backward but when i stopped by starbucks the other morning, i asked the asm (assistant store manager) there - who knew me from before - if i needed it, if i could come back to work there.. she of course said yes. she doesnt know about the trans thing.. but thatll be an easy tell to her. and its written into their non-discrimination policy..whereas gender is not included in the policy at my current job.

see.. im going insane. and i dont know who to talk to or what to say. i know i cant drink - thats not the solution. but what to do, what to do...

changes:
-the s/o noticed that my eyebrows have gotten a tad thicker.
-youll really have to catch me on youtube and tell me whatever else youre noticing thats different.. besides my voice continuing to drop.. i dont know what else to talk about here.
-hair is continuing to grow in..but not really in any places that i havent named already.
-using the mint julep mask on my chest is working. strange but true. maybe i wont have to switch from injections to gel afterall. (a guy at SCC mentioned this to me.. he'd had terrible acne on his chest that cleared up when he switched from injections to gel. i dont really want to switch.)

tis all... *sigh*

Ray