shot 6, life, family

had my 6th shot o' T on friday. in an attempt to change the injection location i ended up with a sore spot on my thigh muscle for like two days. im sure it didnt help that after id poked around in there with the needle a bit (im SO not ambidextrous) i worked out way hard at the gym that night. ..meh. these things happen.

ive been way busy at work and despite the desire to blog, hadnt really been able to set aside the time. i had even been trying to write some of it in my head so maybe if i found a little time, it would make the blogging quicker. to no avail. some of the past few days i hadnt even been able to check up on my yahoo groups. suppose im stacking up the job security though.. performing my booty off so when stuff goes down i dont go down with it. ;)

something i wanted to say.. kinda to everyone whos reading thats been a part of my life. my current situation and decisions are not based on anything youve said or done. *lol i hate bushes* ...im not a transman because of anything you said to me or did to me. im not transitioning in order to get some prize for being a man. im transitioning because i want to be treated the way that i feel. i want to be respected for the man that i am in my spirit. it has nothing to do with how you treated me in the past, anything you may have said to "hurt my feelings," anything i couldnt do because of my biological femaleness (is that a word? ...you know what i mean). my transition isnt about anyone other than me. its what i want and what i feel will make me more...me.
if anything..over the years there were things that happened and things that people said to make me feel like my maleness was wrong. that made me feel like i was less of a person because my inside didnt match my outside. and yes, i spent years upon years trying to change the inside to match the preconceived notions of what the outside should be... but much to my pleasure, those days are over now. we all gotta grow up about it and understand that this is my life and my decision. as much as it hurts us both, we kinda gotta get over that and come to a conclusion. either youre going to continue to be in my life or youre not. it sounds harsh, but its the truth. you dont have to agree, you dont have to "support," but you DO have to respect me. call me what i desire to be called, refer to me with masculine pronouns or dont deal with me at all..how bout it?!

ive shared about it in a couple meetings lately and its pretty much whats going on with me. i am far less willing to put up with things that i dont like anymore. the gender thing, and being recognized appropriately.. is quickly approaching my list of things. which is kinda funny cause really i can only pass about a quarter of the time at most. lol..im actually starting to confuse people since my voice is dropping - kinda excited about that.

changes:
-little man still growing - got wider and a touch longer. thought id mention it for people who are concerned
-that little 5'oclock looking blotch of baby mustacheness is the joy of my life - though i should shave..cant go growing a mustache and not being out at work, i suppose
-im definitely going to have chest hair. i dont have a problem with that. looks like quite a bit of the hair follicles will be removed during top surgery. i dont mind either way. the blonde hairs that were there before are continuing to darken and are still really thin, but growing.
-i have pimples on my chest. this is weird and at first i thought maybe i was just attacked by a small family of spiders or something (proves how much i know about pimples and what they look like), but my s/o says theyre pimples. ok. sucks..but whatever.
-the stomach that has grown on my stomach is brown, but there isnt much and its new so its short
-i dont have very much fat left on my calves and my s/o seems to think my thighs are getting smaller. these could be due to the muay thai and jiu jitsu classes..but id bet on it being a combination of that AND the T
-the amount of flat my chest gets is nice. theres extraness of course, but i think i do pretty well in that area (as far as looking relatively male)...as long as im not moving around a ton. all that goes out the window if im not wearing my t-kingdom binder at the gym. lol. which ive done once and was VERY happy with.
-i still get pimples on my face, but when i remember to use it, the mint masque clears those up pretty fast. good stuff.

all in all, i feel very real. very present. which is saying a lot really. the last time i felt this real was on my t-birthday. before that was really late one random drug-induced night..i looked up at the sky through the trees out in front of my apartment in hollywood and i said out loud something to the extent of...i really have a problem. i have a problem and i need help. i cant keep doing this. the high i had went away and whatever else i did that night was a waste cause i couldnt really feel it anyway. but looking up at the sky and the trees that night. those things were real. all of that was real. for so much of my life the world just looked like a figment of my imagination. i mean.. i know it was all there..but its what it felt like to me. ...*wondering if i make any sense to anyone else in the world right now*

should be working...

lates

Ray