not that there isnt anything to write about cause theres plenty.. i just dont know what to say about it - any of it.
my cousin texted me. shes probably pretty pissed with me and rightfully so. shes been trying to get up with me for like lunch or dinner or whatever for almost 2 years and i have yet to make time for her. lol..kinda proves that guys point about me being an -sshole eh? lol no, not really. i used to drink heavily every time me and her hung out - that was my initial reason for not rushing to get together with her...you know.. a year ago or so. since then though ive been pretty hard for anyone to catch up with and my cousin wasnt an exception. guess i feel kinda bad about it now.. fine time too, since shes one of the people who received my National Coming Out Day text message and if i want to know her opinion in regards to my text then she will wait on me to meet. not that we both couldntve put more effort into getting together (i mean her mom did get me on a fishing trip randomly a few weeks ago) but my part is that i wasnt consistent with calling her back when i clearly couldve been. we shall see how that all plays out. i of course cannot overlook the fact that it had seemed as if she had a problem with my girl.. which i would love to talk to her about.. to see if theres any truth in it. if she does, shes gonna have to get over it cause thats my girl...and if she doesnt then i get to figure out what the real issue is... fun times .. in that not-so-much kinda way. lol more reason for me to have avoided the issue all along yeah? im thinkin so.
the worship encounter at our church this past Sunday was wonderful. we had eight visitors, one of which joined the church. amazing stuff. we went to lunch after and at the conclusion of that excursion a friend of mine (P) called me out, asking me what i was doing in regards to my call to ministry. i told him honestly that i didnt really know what to do. so..i have a conversation coming up with my Pastor about the situation and from there..who knows. more than likely i will attend seminary for my M.Div. and take it from there. i suppose the concern comes from a place where P doesnt want me to let all the other stuff im dealing with deter me from answering the call. makes sense enough.
ive been feeling fairly commonplace lately which is.. pretty amazing actually. its almost like "going through the motions" .. but better. in the way that im actually here to go through the motions.. before it was someone else.. and now i feel like.. me. its strange to have hit this place at 26 years old.. when you think you shouldve been here already. its like.. i dont have to fight with myself anymore. ...dude! (the lightbulb just came on) lol.. i guess the only sad part about this is that now i have to "fight" with everyone that knew the me before. they get to meet the real one now and thats different and scary and strange for them but amazingly wonderful and new but calm and perfect, to me. *wonders if anyone will get that*
changes:
- i orgasm differently. lol thats as blunt as i could get, but its true. feels different.. like its cold instead of hot. i like it so i guess thats really all that matters.
- hair, hair, and more hair...just growing in more. im going to have a natural soul patch (the hair just under your lower lip but above your chin). i can feel the stubble and its itchy. apparently growing facial hair is just generally itchy.. so i have like patches of .. itch.
- muscle appearance..i can tell my biceps are growing. in theory this is good. but im going to be one of those guys where the sleeve of all my short sleeve shirts hugs my muscles. lol apparently if i were a single gay guy that would be hot.. or at least this is what i hear...lol.
- strength.. im much stronger than i think i am. good and bad..im sure you can think of all the reasons why.
- still pretty horny..but managing it better. having a cold and not feeling up to much helps..sadly. not having internet helps too.. again with the sadness. lol.
- pumping.. ive been reading posts etc about this.. so i thought id give it a try. i personally dont think its as gloriously wonderful as some of the guys make it sound (as far as feeling is concerned) .. but if itll help with..things if/when i get a meta..then im down to give it a try or 25. lol.
ok.. time for lunch (left overs)..dinner last night really wasnt bad at all. sometimes she thinks her cooking isnt good and half the time shes just not right. lol... mmm peanut sauce...
;)
Ray
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2 comments:
Talk to your family. After reading your blog, it seems as though you may not get the best of conversations because it will more than likely be posted. Atleast forwarn family and friends of this if this is what you need to do for you. Everyone has a way of getting things out and you mentioned that writing is yours. To make things fair, you should probably disclose this. One commenter mentioned that only one side was being shared. Hopefully everybody knows that a coin always has two sides. Do you think this was a family member becasue they chose to be anonymous? You may want to consider this. Does your family know about your page?(this may be a stupid question..oh yeah there is no such thing. If not, you may want to encourage them to read it so that they can start from the begining and not be blind sided if a family friend calls like dang she is dogging you out on her page. You have said some very nice things about your family too but lots of times the negative things will speak just a little louder to some folks. You sound happy and that is good. Try and hold on to that as you go through your transistion. This will not be easy for you or those around you. It sounds like you are kinda getting that and don't sound as angry as you did a few months back. Keep this spirit.
Kimberly - thank you for your comment and your encouragement. id considered the anonymous person being a family member...never know eh? my family knows about my page - ive given everyone a link. i cant see any of them really up and calling me an -sshole, but they didnt see me up and saying im a boy either. ;) ..i would also like to believe that people understand there are two sides to a coin.. and that this is a blog - im the only one writing here, it really is just what im thinking and feeling. i really dont mean to put my family on blast, but i do want younger guys and anyone considering transition to know what really goes on with the family relationship - especially to someone who cares a crap-ton for theirs.
lol..i was VERY angry at some points and yes that has gotten a ton better and i am way grateful for that! im really trying to stay focused on the important stuff - trying to communicate more with my family and take care of my girl and kid..the list goes on. theres plenty to do to keep me occupied these days...lol. i am much happier and much more comfortable today than i think i have ever been. i will certainly try to keep this spirit. thank you again for writing back. you know.. i have a cousin named Kimberly...
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