ive been extra crazy busy this past few days.. trying to figure out what the h-ll is going on with the work L was doing.. itll all fall into place.. i just hope it falls into place before monthend.
im scattered and i wish i kinda wish it was just blank. theres stuff there and i cant see what all of it is. i had something on my mind to write about and now its gone. lol.. guess thats what happens when you really get into work. at least i like my job still.
*sigh* i dont have to try to be [i suddenly remembered what i wanted to write...]
i went to the doctor yesterday. i discovered yesterday why it is that transguys dont like going to the doctor. before i went i had my ideas.. thinking that my personal anxiety may have been coming from my previous bout of insecurity surrounding having ambiguous genitalia. and though this is the case currently, this didnt seem to be at the heart of my discontent. in the shower, washing the feelings off i realized that the trip to the doctor was so much more than not wanting someone im not sleeping with to be looking around down there. it was kind of like a little girl sitting on my shoulder whispering evil nothings in my ear ..imposter.. reminding me ..fake.. of the stuff ..girl.. i dont even consciously think about anymore ..ma'am.. trying to throw me off balance ..young lady.. making me feel like my life.. my entire existence is just one huge game of dress-up. and that is not true.
this phenomenon.. i can only see getting worse with time.. not better. i mean...in the long run - ya know? as more and more of your life gets to be male-related and not trans-related at least for a long while its like.. BAM! once/year we strip you down and take you back to your first puberty..the wrong one.. all over again.. but when you leave the office, youre supposed to magically feel better? like it never happened? wait.. no. .. or h-ll, maybe. and what do you do when you CANT leave the clinic and go get a stiff one? cause i sure as h-ll caint (yes...c-a-i-n-t ...spelled for emphasis of how country i get when im feelin what im talkin about..lol)
*sigh*... yeah. heavy. i should go home.. my girl doesnt feel good..
wait... uuh.. changes.. ok.. so ive done 15 shots.. (...sweeeet):
-ive pumped say...once/week or so and i dont know if its just normal growth process or the pumping (probably just normal growth) but ive gained a little length and actually a touch of girth. no - i dont measure.. sorry guys.
-ive got hair on me tummy!!! (spoken in stewie griffin style from that one episode when he's playin the banjo? .. lol calluses on his fingers? no? no? ..yeah im a little sick... *shrug*)
-i get cramps in my muscles all the time.. i really should be drinking more water
-when i got blood word done yesterday i noticed that my blood was totally a different color than im used to.. much darker. Jac said it was probably cause of red blood cell count..makes sense.
-voice.. my voice rocks! ill youtube it soon for ya.. i know i know.. im really bad about that... itll get SO much better when i get internet at my house.. i swear ;)
-the hair on my head.. i swear its growing faster.. Tee! Is it? or is it just me?
-i hear ive got hair on my back.. i have no idea what it looks like though cause its my back.. but i dont think its like a ton or anything.. but.. we'll have to ask Tee that too...
randomness...
a guy at work saw my badge and goes - whoa thats an old picture.. LOL.. ive only been here for 4 months! im not sure if thats a good thing or a bad thing.. *thinks about it* ...huh... lol
ok i really should leave. ok gotta potty first.. but right after that im on my way home.. and thats final!!!
xo
ive crossed over from complex to silly.. all while writing this blog.. a good place to be on the way home to a sick spouse eh?
;)
Ray
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