i randomly remember why i tried so hard for so many years to not feel anything. its the times when what i feel doesnt match with whats going on in the "outside world" that remind me. and i feel dysfunctional when that happens.. like a kid thats just kinda along for the ride that the parents take you on when you cant make any of the decisions for yourself and you just do whatever it is they tell you to do. how can i possibly feel like this at this age.. at this time.. so quick to get blindsided by the disease especially when ive been successful at feeling good for a little while.
and it makes me want to not-feel all over again. but who in their right mind would give up everything good/bad/indifferent to be numb, broken, dull, and empty all over again.. certainly not i. doesnt mean the thought never crosses my mind. still an addict it does all the time.. its the choice i have today that allows me liberty to do something different. what a wonderful gift. i could easily turn into a curse if i learn to hate myself again.. careful... caaaareful..
tip-toe-ing. awfully close to the edge there kid.. you might wanna come back this way.. a little more toward the center..
why share? when i do things go bad.. when i dont things go bad.. think in longer strides.. but the feelings.. the d-mn feelings are no different and come and go as they please. apparently my job is simply to make it to the next.. feeling. sh-t at the rate im going i might get fired.
...
please.. pardon the random.
goodnight...
Raymond
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