extended family

went to my grandparents house today. i love my grandparents so much. right now - as far as i know - they dont know. while i was there, i could hear the lowering of my voice. i didnt sound exactly like the girl i sounded like last time i heard my voice bounce off the walls, plants, couches of their home. and i got scared. i got scared someone would ask me about it and i wouldnt know what to say. scared of the repetitive screaming "IM A TRANSSEXUAL" inside my head. wondering if it was going to stumble out of my mouth by mistake the next time i opened it to speak.
it went well. my cousin showed up.. next target. she'll "share" the news with my grandma (at least) for sure and itll all come down after that. granted i think im going to write my grandma another letter. i wrote her once in college. i dont really remember what the letter said. now that i think this over.. and recall the story of receiving the letter that my cousin tells i guess i told her i was a lesbian. lol. for lack of a better understanding... that and i wanted so bad to just fit into one of those neat little boxes in college. little did i know id be trapped in that "neat little box" til i was 25 SCREAMING.. ACHING.. CRYING to get out and be the real me.
my dad showed up too. i think he could hear it. only because i think i get how i pay attention to detail from him. i think he was happy to see me. i didnt stay long after that but it was good to see him. my dad..how i love him...

dad - she - mom - he...the kid was confusing herself all day. and as Tee told her to "just pick one for home and stick to it" (good advice if you ask me) i finally got it. i think i get why its hard for her to hear Des call me dad. after all how can that be ok with you when youre not even sure that this is who the man in your house is going to be...? after our conversation last night im ok with whatever. she doesnt have to call me that. i dont deserve it really - and thats just in my own eyes. she should only be calling her biological and the man her mother marries "dad" - and for the first time for real.. thats ok with me. i cant lie and say that i wouldnt love it, because i would. but.. its ok - really it is. [of course this is just speculation...but it makes sense]

i will have been on T for one full month on tomorrow.. ive really got to get a video done....

..and a step wouldnt hurt either.

Ray