a little dazzed and confused today. lack of sleep. i had the hardest time getting there last night...to sleep. talked to the middle sister. im not quite an abomination but apparently if God wanted me to be a boy then i wouldve been a boy yadda yadda. and she also doesnt think im a boy. it must be nice to be on the outside. and it must be confusing as h*ll to be at a place where you cant just accept someone else's feelings and experiences as their truth - especially when its something pertaining to themselves and having zero to do directly with you. at least she'll "love me no matter what" but ill "always be [birthname]" to her. thats the nicest hurtful thing i think ill ever hear - and im sure ill hear it many many many more times over the next year..and hopefully fewer times each year after that. but shes right about something. no matter how much id like to not.. i do care what my family thinks. but i cant let that change what i feel i need to do for me. and what hurts the most now is that i dont want to see either of them. they dont get it and they wont get it for a long time - if ever. and i dont have to put myself in their "way" cause its my life and i get to decide now what i do and when, where i go, and when i leave - and in their presence is not a place i want to be. not while they feel like im wrong.
i got angry about it last night. i dont like angry. she cried. she cried like i had done something to her. like someone had done something to me.. and it only pissed me off. it pissed me off because if there was a single person who i felt wouldnt let me be who i was as a child it would have been her. and she says "whoever has made you feel like youre anything but perfect, F*CK THEM!" it took all the grown man in me to not say "well f*ck YOU then" and hang up the phone. see, that wouldve just been wrong and i didnt want to have to apologize to her for anything so i let her cry and rant and kindly removed myself from the conversation as quickly as possible after that. i dont have to react to her stuff today. she can have that all by herself. good luck with it.
so today im a bit bummed and i want to cry.. no i dont want to cry, but i feel like im going to. id really rather not. my mom loves me. she loves and accepts and understands and supports me. her, Tee, and the kid. if thats all i got of family from now on thats fine - its better than nothing. i swear, when i get my name changed if you cant get it right i dont know who youre talking to cause it aint me. yeah..im bitter. tryin to get it out so it goes away. muay thai tonight might help..ill let you know.
i want to take the little piece of family that gives a sh*t about what im feeling and just run away. i dont think my dad would ever tell me if it hurts or if he doesnt like it. thats good and bad i suppose. theres a part of me that still wants to be him when i "grow up." i think id ball up and die if he felt even a couple of the things my sisters do. i really really hope i get over that feeling before he says anything. this is why i cried so hard last night. im scared. hes the only one that hasnt said much either way and if hes not going to be ok with it then im just done. id have to find a completely new name.. last included.
because i hurt so bad i want to just go to my grandparents house. disclose my status in an annoucement. leave information (definitions etc) explaining what it all means and transition. tell them that in a few choice words that they dont have to call unless theyve got something good to say and leave. if i get a call about christmas cool, if i dont screw it. not in an attempt to hurt any of them of course.. but to protect myself. i dont owe anyone an explanation. and if someone doesnt want to take the available opportunity to educate themselves then so be it. nothing i can do about it.
i love the new hair on my arms and legs. i like the way i think i look different in the mirror. i like how comfortable ive been feeling lately.. just like a regular guy. i am who i am... everyone wont like it. these things happen...
Raymond
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2 comments:
imo, you have to be willing to give your family time with this. it's a pretty drastic change, and if it took you years, denial, and therapy to come to the realization that you were a man, imagine how long it will take everybody who loves you to be okay with it...
@#$, youre right. and i am willing. i dont expect my family to be ok with it right away. i actually think it will one of my sisters years. knowing/thinking this does not however make me feel any better about it. i guess part of my angst lies in the fact that i dont know how long its been since theyve seen me happy...if ever really. ive had my moments, but they were short lived and/or few and far between. i am doing something i feel necessary to make me happy and at peace and i get (in few words) "youre wrong, find something else." its just frustrating.
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