yesterday Tee and i drove an hour and a half to see a doctor for top surgery consultation. ...wow.
it was pretty cool. before seeing the doctor i couldnt let myself get excited about the appointment. after all, i have no idea when ill actually be able to get the procedure. but after having done the appointment. after speaking with the doctor, nurse, and billing lady.. after bringing home an estimate.. i finally feel like surgery might happen for me. like its not as far away as it felt even 3 days ago.
also yesterday there was an event at my grandparents house. lol.. i guess in the big scheme of things we're a bit southern (country if you will). we had a fish & flapjack party. love it? believe me.. its a tasty tasty thing. my grandma seasons like 15 or so lbs of fish for my granddad to fry and i mix and fry a few large mixing bowls of flapjack. sidebar : flapjacks are NOT pancakes: /sidebar so we eat fried croaker and sop flapjacks with agala syrup sometimes with a dalop of sour cream. deeeelicious. the food was GREAT of course. the family... kinda put a hole in my chest.
i dont think ive heard my birthname that many times in the course of 2 hours since i accepted myself as Raymond. i didnt cause a scene or anything, but i just got increasingly more uncomfortable and bit sad as the evening progressed. the best moments were when i could be included in conversation and activity without the use of my name - h-ll the pronouns werent even the killer. during the evening i had..a couple thoughts and i thought i would just share them with .. lol the world i guess. /shrug
reckless thought #1 - i should move far. far far away from here. where they wont have to deal with my transition. no adjustment period.. nothing in their world would have to change outside of a phone call every now and then. i wont have to deal with them, they wont have to deal with me.. and itll be like nothing ever happened.
- obviously not exactly the way to go when you care about your family so much. but i did consider it. i sat there and had that conscious thought.. to just.. run away. cowardly.. easy.. inevitably not the solution.
reckless thought #2 - i looked down in the den where my grandfather, father, and uncle were sitting and thought - i'll never get to be one of them. ill never fit snuggly on that left-over space on the couch in the den at my grandmother's house.
- i dont know this for certain. and i will especially never know if i follow through with reckless thought #1 or simply not try at all. only time will tell. but the thought broke a little piece of me yesterday... and thinking this in the car on the way home.. i almost cried. .. .lol almost.
yeah.. so.. there they go.. feelings and all. sigh..
oh! Happy New Year! lol...
Ray
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2 comments:
Big hug to you bro. I can understand some of those emotional random ideas you had. (Though I'm tryin not to think about that awesome food you had...lol) Yeah, I woulda went through it too on the name thing. In a strange way it feels like people tryin to make me look at a dead body some days lol you know, "symbolically". Anyway, I'm kinda were you are on the "tryin not to just run away" thing. Yes, I'm thinking of relocating but I don't want it to be for THAT reason. Other than that, I gotta let you know, give your family at least a chance for you to end up on the end of that couch. I actually (about 10, 12 years ago) had the opportunity to be in that seat. It was unplanned. But a cousin of mine gave it to me. A homophobic, sexist, butthole of one lol. It wasn't "theatrical" it just happened. After a holiday dinner (I think Christmas) it happened that we ended up in the back den together. The topic was his then ending relationship with one of his kids mother's, the convo and room turned into a "guy space" complete with his brothers, vulgar conversation, sexist comment and all. And the person who he actually chose to "confide" a lot of what was going on with was me also. Very strange. And yet, yes, I got to feel that swell of pride/happiness that he chose me and included me in his male moment and male space. He "broke up" the crude talk when his sister decided to make herself present in that room. So it can happen, and when you LEAST think so.
E
Ray! Congratulations on the surgery consult! That's awesome!
Dude, your fish and flapjack party sounds pretty yummy. My family does something like that too. I have an uncle that raises catfish way out in Cross, SC (betcha got no idea where that is). About once a year we will go up there and have a massive fish and hush puppies party. My uncle makes really good hush puppies.
Sorry about the *birthname* all over the place. I've been pelted with the wrong pronouns all holiday season. My family has had so much to adjust to lately, I don't feel free to be too forceful with correcting them. Heck, there are still relatives that don't know about me yet. Being with family can really get you down. It makes you remember old gender roles in a way you don't have to in other settings. Going home tears me up. I love my family and want to see them. My granny is 87. I know I don't have forever to hang out with her. Still...I HATE the way being with family makes me feel.
I've had those same "I should move away" thoughts. I mean...I do live far away from my family now, but still within a day's drive. Up until now I really didn't want to live much further away than I already do.
That's tough about not feeling like you'll ever get to be "one of the guys" with your family. My family doesn't have rigid gender lines. Even before I came out as trans, my family always treated me more like a boy than a girl...probably because there were no other male grandkids up until the mid 1990's. Hang in there though... People adapt slowly. I really think they'll let you in after a while. Give it time. *gives manly pat on the back*
Feelings are a killer. I've been having my share too.
Ainsley
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