its difficult to hear that your very being hurts someone you care for so deeply. its the truth though, and id rather have that than nothing or a lie. so.. we just keep going and we see what happens next. i cant help but think about that one dinner conversation where a good friend of ours told us that we were being very "mature" about the situation - commending us even. but i feel so small, so young, so inexperienced - new - lost.. estranged. and its a mutual feeling. like im floating away half the time til my tube bumps the other end of the pool and i float back to meet her in the middle.. only to float away again.
shot 4 this morning. it actually stung a little which i found strange...but no one ever said itd be the same every time. one day ill give myself my shot. i keep trying to figure out if im afraid to..i dont think i am. but i am the master of talking myself into (or out of) things. part of the nature of the disease...not GID..the other one. ;)
so apparently ive got to give everyone time to catch up to the twenty-five or six years ive had to deal with my gender problem. ok - i think i can do that. ill still feel what i feel about it...but i can do it. its just a strange place to be at when youve finally come to an understanding of something and a solution, but the people around you dont quite see the solution the way that you do. i dont know if strange is the right/only word...uncomfortable, frustrating..just to name a few. i mean, im not complaining, im just venting really. i know i cant change what other people think/do/feel - thats what makes the world such an interesting place. but grant me my feelings about it too.
im scared to be honest. i dont like being the reason why someone else is hurting. it makes me feel like there is something i can do to fix it. with this situation, i dont think that there is. not completely. no one should ever have to compromise their being for someone else. compromise some things yes, but not who they are. its not fair to them. so somehow i have to find out how to be fair to her. how to let her be the woman i fell in love with. easier said than done seeing as how im not the person she fell in love with.
a little boy that has to be a grown man..or at least learn really quickly. im workin on it..just not fast enough.
Raymond
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment