a note turned blog material...

i was writing my dude E a note on The Men's Room and i found myself thinking...why am i not blogging this.. lol.. here goes...

i find myself thinking though about just marching into my manager's office, asking him to talk, closing the door, and just letting it rip. the debate really is whether to do that to him, or to the lady in HR. ive really begun to believe that it wont be such a huge deal especially since ive been pretty masculine from the jump (binding and packing since my interview - no matter how "unnoticeable") ... *sigh* /shrug...
theres a part of me waiting on the $160 or so that it will take to change my name. just so whatever they say to me wont delay me any longer.. h-ll ive been on t for 3 months already...

im going insane a little bit in my head.. but its nothing like what it used to feel like...its a quiet place where thoughts just run and collide into each other.. bouncing around kinda like jello. no explosions, no one gets hurt, my feelings stay in tact.. the only noticeable issue is that its harder for me to concentrate on one thing at a time. oh but back in the day it was like h-ll on earth and i wanted to hurt myself constantly. i did get extra irritable yesterday evening, but thats because way too much was going on in and around my head. like a tiny war over whether my spirit was going to smile or cry - arguing loudly but i couldnt understand any of the words... dont ask.. its complicated. ..and im still trying to figure all of that out myself.

still hadnt made that 12 week video and tomorrow is week 13. havent been alone though really, and i could never get a vid done with the kid around - would never even try. thought about making her the camera-woman but i would probably draw a blank on what to say.. not that i come up with these oh-so-profound things to say anyway... lol.

blah.. i feel blah. ...tired. but ok. i do it for my family. i do it cause my mom did it for me. maybe not necessarily legally..but she did it so i could be comfortable. i just want my family to be comfortable. ya feel me? a nap later will help.

there these moments in time and space where it feels like - looks like - the roof is going to cave in and everyone will either be crushed inside.. or will run screaming in different directions never to find each other again. and just when i think its going to implode.. she up and says something to calm the atmosphere all over again. *smile* ..and she says im saving her... *psh* ;)

Raymond