i can handle the truth

sitting in my car on the phone with my mom she starts into me in her most loving way possible, "not everyones going to agree with what youre doing" and i know that. i am fully aware. my problem arose when i thought that it was ok and turns out its not. my mom for one is behind me one hundred and eighty-two percent with transitioning..and is happy for me. amazing. wonderful. and i thought my eldest sister was happy for me too, having finally found the courage to deal with something so serious, so pressing.. or at least this was my impression.

i got a phone call yesterday from a family friend asking me if i wanted to play softball. assumedly sensing my apprehension she quickly mentioned that it was a co-ed team. seeing through it i mentioned that they would need a certain number of girls on the team and she said 'yes.' my reply? 'i dont think that would work for very long' - she laughed (expectedly - hey..im a funny guy) and said, 'yeah well, its kind of a long process' - talking about transition. i reply 'yeah well, i started hormone therapy last week.' she pauses and says 'yeah well..its still a long process.' feeling pretty blown off, misunderstood, annoyed and ready to get off the phone (i was at a birthday part for pete's sake) i agree to 'think about it and let her know.'

about an hour later i get a call from my sister. by this time im on the highway on the way home from the birthday party - in the car with my fiancee and the kid. my sister starts asking me question after question about whether ive researched what im doing; who ive talked to about the issue; if ive been to therapy. she even goes into a small spiel about how if any of us (there were three of us growing up) were a boy growing up that it would have been her. shes going on about how i dont look or act like a boy; telling me that changing my body wont make me a man. shes asking if im doing this for someone else or being pressured. on and on.

i grant her her experience because its hers.. but I AM ME. I lived the entirety of my life confused and distraught. I am the one that played the game the way i thought i had to to keep the peace at home. I am the one that spent my college career crossdressing when i could, drinking when i couldnt, dressing up to make other people happy, doing any and everything other people asked me to so they would like me... I am the child that had the self-esteem problem, that no one understood, that no one ever talked to, that faded into the background of the family doing everything "RIGHT" to make everything LOOK ok.

and no one outside of myself can sit and tell me that im wrong. no one can say that things werent how i saw them because no one else lived my life but me. maybe i dont remember things perfectly, but i do know how i perceived them and this is it. this is what it was like.. this is what i got.. this is what ive dealt with. and this is my conclusion.

i dont expect transitioning to "fix" my life. if you ask me, my life isnt broken. its just really really uncomfortable, and for no other reason than im a guy and everything outside of me says that im not. its time for everything outside of me to agree with ME instead of me agreeing with it/them. its time for me to be me. and if its not ok with you then so be it. but do not tell me everything is "fine" and "okay" and that youre "supportive" if youre not. because when it finally comes out one day that youre not.. i'll be shocked and appalled..much like i was yesterday and the fact of the matter is.. I CAN HANDLE THE TRUTH. if you dont like it.. fine. thats your business. and you can reconcile your feelings in your own time and space and for real? that has nothing to do with me. the reaction you give me.. the response you share with me.. is the ONLY thing that has anything to do with me.. and for heavens sake and for the sake of my sanity..just let your response be the TRUTH.

frustrated..disappointed..scared..but ok...


Raymond W***** III

just WAIT til i get my name changed....!

..hrm...im a bit on the fiesty side. we may want to give this a little while to cool down folks.. feeling a bit ... betrayed at the moment. sheesh.. and i hadnt overreacted to anything since my first shot.. until yesterday. i swerved on the highway and pulled over abruptly then stood on the side of the road dry heaving for a good 2 minutes on I-85N. no good.. *sigh*

but trust and believe.. itll be fine.
got a lovely voicemail from my mom this morning.. she even used the right name. *smile*

Lates.

rw