raw feeling

"youre the best book ive ever read" ...the greatest compliment ive ever received i think.

and tonight i looked at her laying there pleasantly asleep. and for a moment i saw us doing this same thing. staying up way later than we're generally capable.. me watching the movie, the movie watching her. and the very same way id stand over her to wake her.. i saw it. years from now except.. i couldnt feel myself. i couldnt see myself. and really i dont know anymore if it really was me.

i certainly dont know where im going.. i only know where ive been. and its scary.. but necessary.

sometimes i want to just run screaming from my reality. i want to go to bed one night and wake up and feel normal. ...feel like i dont have to change everything to make things right. feel like the way that i am is ok inside and out.

i just want the dramatics to be over. i want out and i want everyone to know and get their reactions over with so i dont have to feel the backlash anymore. ...psh...and ive only just begun.

she wants me to grow thick skin. and i will. and the process? will grow thick skin. and itll hurt. itll hurt me, itll hurt her, and itll hurt everyone who ever knew me im sure. sad. sucks. but true.

ive stepped into a part of me thats really real this time. and its different when things come down the pipe today. cause i have emotion.. and its CRAP emotion, but the world isnt falling apart. ill cry for a few seconds, write a little, go to bed and wake up in the morning for another day. its not as... hard (for lack of a better word) as it used to be. before, i could swear that the end of the world was coming whenever something went wrong. today.. its just another day and as far as i can tell..theres gonna be a tomorrow so get over it before bed tonight so you dont carry that crap with you to the next day. hrm..guess thats why im writing now. i gotta get it off me so i can go to sleep knowing who i am and whose i am so when i wake up in the morning i wont suddenly be confused and forget to say "thank you." no matter what.

because even if the wheels fall off shes still the best friend ive got. and even though on the inside i scream out 'dont leave me' - id never say it aloud. if she had to, to be happy again then by all means... we never really know..but who ever really does. the difference here is that we have to have the conversation. in the world of today we cant.. well.. i cant just keep pushin without knowin that its at least going...decent. so we talk about it occasionally - i pull over and check a couple of the tires.. cause sometimes while im riding they feel a little shakey.. like maybe theyre getting loose. honestly im afraid of the day when the ride is over. so when i get back in the car i take it a little more slowly when i start driving again. only to find out a month later that ive forgotten about how loose the wheels were the last time i stopped and have been cruising at 70 for miles. i pulled over tonight...and ive been sitting on the side of the road trying to figure out how far away the next gas station is.. and if we are going to make it.

Raymond