shot 3 - ready for the change?

impatient. that is what its called. that is what i am. i used to be able to sit through more, listen longer, deal better... well.. i dont deal poorly, just too quickly. im not sure how to learn that again..but i gotta figure it out or im going to piss more people off than i think i can afford. lol

i never got around to that shot 2 video. its all good, i dont think i look that different. but im sure i sound different.. lol or at least i do in my head. (sadly, ive always sounded different in my head.) we will see when we record..whenever thats gonna be.

me and the s/o - we're doin this diet thingy..im on 1400 calories, shes on 1200 calories - we workout 8 minutes in the morning and 60 minutes aerobic later in the day - and we can eat all the fruit and vegetables we want. so im on a quest to find out if the diet is why im hungry every hour on the hour, or if its the T. all the guys that responded say its the T. ill take that. Tee says she doesnt mind if i dont do the diet with her. thats nice of her..but shes the one who feeds me. so even if i werent doing the diet, id still kinda be doing the diet by default - i figure..why not right? ill just supplement with a burger every now and then...lol. im gonna try to hold out though and see what happens.. i actually think ive already lost 3 lbs. so this might be a really good thing.

i was at TILTT last night and a lady asked me if i had my name changed yet. 'no.' so she and the other lady there ask me what im waiting on. very well aware of my procrastinating..i was able to fess up to it. but what am i waiting on? they call me Ray at work (even though im not out there yet .. waiting til ive been there for 3 months,) both my parents and sisters know, my spouse and kid knows.. what on Earth am i waiting for...? hrm... nothing now. ive pretty much done all the things i wanted to do before changing my name. well..coming out at work isnt done, but would anything there change with the name change, except maybe some paperwork - and itll take a month. ...i should go file. might as well eh? ill keep you up on how that goes. maybe next week sometime i can get to that. THAT would rawk...cause im totally Raymond. *big smile* just thinking about it makes me happy.

changes (if it aint changed it aint here - lol):
-waaay impatient
-waaaay hungry
-a little less expressive..but i think that goes hand-in-hand with the impatient
-sadly i still think im pmsing cause ive been craving random foods (mmm beef patty) - just that i havent been eating them cause of the diet. lol.
-i think there are changes in my face..but i also see it every day. and it might have something to do with the fact that i feel different and therefore feel different about myself and about my appearance. (does that make sense?) i feel like i can look confident in my appearance. (dont know if that was clearer, but... *shrug*) --> lol NOW do you see what i mean by "less expressive".. i dunno.
-i feel really "average guy"-like.. and i LOVE it. i feel..comfortable. and i havent felt that in quite a while.

overall im doing.. great. ...when im not starting fights with my girl or the kid.. LOL (i swear i dont do it on purpose..but it does keep happening. i gotta work on that.)

*smile*

Ray

shot 2, etc

i had my second shot of testosterone this past friday. it was eventful because i was wigging out and feeling crap from the day lateness and the two week wait. as i mentioned before..we're gonna give me a shot every week now. rock on.

ive been pretty chill. downright tired the past day or so. but really..i should get more sleep. sunday i went to my middle sister's house to watch my nephew while he napped and she went to visit her step-daughter in the hospital. it was cool just being there with him. im the not-so-excited "auntie" and he wasnt so-excited either..but we got along. we laughed a little together and he sang a song or two from a Barney DVD - adorableness. it was great. he just sees me - for the person that i appear to him.. i give him juice and yes jelly beans. (he went potty and asked for some) .. lol oh yeah..he's 2 by the way - will be 3 next month. i looked at him and could only think that he is exactly what i wouldve looked like had the genes settled in right. after all.. according to my sister "he looks more like you than he does me!" funny...guess shes got EXTRA mixed feelings about that NOW.

i say that cause when we left her house that day (i dropped the nephy off with his dad) i left my big sister a note - coming out to her. id sufficiently talked myself out of having the conversation with her in person. i could just picture breaking down in front of her as she confusedly replied "what the f*ck?!" ...in an effort to not have to endure such..i wrote her. pretty simple too...straight to the point - just like i like it. gave her a link to the blog. told her to take her time with it and that was it. guess its a good thing i got to hang out with my nephy for a little bit before i gave her that. only God knows how she will react. *looks around for other shoe to drop*

so now both my sisters know what the deal is. id called the eldest (D) and asked if shed talked to the middle (E). i told D about the letter i had left asking if E had said anything to her about it. D said she hadnt but mentioned that she was glad id done that saying "now i can talk to her about it"... great. could be good. could be bad. i just wish they would talk to my mom.. LOL.. shes FULL SUPPORT might i remind you. *sigh*... waitin on that d*mn shoe....

changes:
.that feeling in my arms.. definately hair growing. my arms have hair creeping toward the inner side of my forearm. also i have a lot of newly visible folicles on the far outer side of my forearm.
.little man has grown some. i havent done measurements though. i dont know that im particularly interested in his measurements though... hrm...at least not until ive been on T for a good two years or so. just my preference. i dont think ill forget that it used to be almost non-existent - ok, ok.. just really small
.im a little impatient..and thats either due to the T or due to me having been tired the past day or two.
.i had a couple pimples..which is quite unlike me actually. ive never really broken out per se. like two pimples at once is a break out.. but i had four this week. my girl got me this mint julip mask stuff.. and i guess its working. 15 min at night and my face isnt so oily and feels clean. skins been extra oily - my girl even said something about it. so..ive just been washing my face a lot and putting that mask stuff on the "breakout" areas. its been two days and the pimples are almost gone.

been thinkin super hard about coming out at work. gonna do it.. just not sure when. timing is of the essence... ok not really.. im puttin it off. but ill get there soon enough. i just.. wanna keep my job ya know? d*mn at-will state. lol

im in pretty good spirits despite my short temper. *smile* havent done the youtube update... ill get to that. just hope i get to it before friday = shot day.

lates...

Raymond

raw feeling

"youre the best book ive ever read" ...the greatest compliment ive ever received i think.

and tonight i looked at her laying there pleasantly asleep. and for a moment i saw us doing this same thing. staying up way later than we're generally capable.. me watching the movie, the movie watching her. and the very same way id stand over her to wake her.. i saw it. years from now except.. i couldnt feel myself. i couldnt see myself. and really i dont know anymore if it really was me.

i certainly dont know where im going.. i only know where ive been. and its scary.. but necessary.

sometimes i want to just run screaming from my reality. i want to go to bed one night and wake up and feel normal. ...feel like i dont have to change everything to make things right. feel like the way that i am is ok inside and out.

i just want the dramatics to be over. i want out and i want everyone to know and get their reactions over with so i dont have to feel the backlash anymore. ...psh...and ive only just begun.

she wants me to grow thick skin. and i will. and the process? will grow thick skin. and itll hurt. itll hurt me, itll hurt her, and itll hurt everyone who ever knew me im sure. sad. sucks. but true.

ive stepped into a part of me thats really real this time. and its different when things come down the pipe today. cause i have emotion.. and its CRAP emotion, but the world isnt falling apart. ill cry for a few seconds, write a little, go to bed and wake up in the morning for another day. its not as... hard (for lack of a better word) as it used to be. before, i could swear that the end of the world was coming whenever something went wrong. today.. its just another day and as far as i can tell..theres gonna be a tomorrow so get over it before bed tonight so you dont carry that crap with you to the next day. hrm..guess thats why im writing now. i gotta get it off me so i can go to sleep knowing who i am and whose i am so when i wake up in the morning i wont suddenly be confused and forget to say "thank you." no matter what.

because even if the wheels fall off shes still the best friend ive got. and even though on the inside i scream out 'dont leave me' - id never say it aloud. if she had to, to be happy again then by all means... we never really know..but who ever really does. the difference here is that we have to have the conversation. in the world of today we cant.. well.. i cant just keep pushin without knowin that its at least going...decent. so we talk about it occasionally - i pull over and check a couple of the tires.. cause sometimes while im riding they feel a little shakey.. like maybe theyre getting loose. honestly im afraid of the day when the ride is over. so when i get back in the car i take it a little more slowly when i start driving again. only to find out a month later that ive forgotten about how loose the wheels were the last time i stopped and have been cruising at 70 for miles. i pulled over tonight...and ive been sitting on the side of the road trying to figure out how far away the next gas station is.. and if we are going to make it.

Raymond

not so great feeling

i talked to my transdad on the phone last night. oh how i miss him. my Danny...
anyway he was giving me advice and stuff.. like a good pa. :) some good stuff..like to take lots of pictures. he says that its encouraging to see the changes that happen even in the first three months. its apparently hard to tell when things are changing..or to pinpoint the changes - but you can tell that things are different. he also mentions taking measurements. when i tell Tee this her response? yall are real serious about this working out and body changing thing arent you? uuh..yeah actually. we are. theres the whole thing about finally having the body on the outside that youve always imagined that you had in your head. its regrowing up all over again except the way we thought we would the first time but were sorely mistaken.

so ive been feeling crap the past couple days. i will be changing my shot schedule to once per week instead of once every two weeks. i dont want to post my dosage.. ive thought about this a lot. i know theyre available online in a myriad of places already. but i wouldnt dare provide that information to a young guy just starting out with black market meds trying to- in essence- "fix his own problem." i know sometimes its the "only way" and that we all "do what we have to do" but ... id rather not promote self-medicating. just my personal..ya know..? i am changing my dosing schedule, but i also spoke with my doctor about it this morning. [sorry..slightly random] i guess that goes with how i feel. im anxious, extra jumpy, finding it quite difficult to concentrate on one thing...give me about four and as long as i can bounce back and forth between them, im relatively ok..til i have to get up from my desk and just move around. a lot of this i feel is hormone imbalance (not enough testosterone in my system) coupled with the fact that i DID have a high level of testosterone very recently ...thus the still horny.

moral of the story? my advise? dont take your shots late. ill be making sure of this from now on. and man oh man.. i might have to get up with an online pharmacy. when i leave work today im dropping by the little 5 pharmacy and droppin a nice 145 for my bottle 'o T. its worth every penny in my book..and will last me 5 months.. but D***! at one time? lol. done aaaand done.

Ray

muay thai phone call

lol.. i just got off the phone with a guy from a gym. ok..little back story. me and Tee took the kid to the library yesterday before we stopped at the park...regular family man..i know. Tee raids the newspaper/magazine stands at the library so she would have something to do while we were at the park. i tease her, "cheater." we get to the park and i get to read the Creative Loafing wherein i find an add for a free class at a gym where they do mma (mixed martial arts), kickboxing, muay thai, jiu jitsu, and more. i go online today and sign up. of course i fill out the form with my chosen name and take the followup phone call as Ray. i laugh because i think i just passed on the phone with the guy. he DID ask me how old i was, saying i sounded young. when i told him i was 26 he was apologetic for asking...i tried to make sure he knew it was fine. i also didnt make any mention of my transsexual status...maybe we can get that sorted out next tuesday when i show up for class.

the gym (x3sports) is on north highland.. ...how to explain.. its in a less conservative part of the city of atlanta. hrm...now that i think of it.. all my identification has the other name on it.. le sigh. oh the little things. i can still go to the class, psh..its free. im still excited at the prospect of training again. thats gonna be pretty rad.

im feeling much better than i was yesterday. yeah..i was on one...i can admit it. but im off it now and just gettin back to things being ok. i was considering coming out to my other sister while i was dealing with the reaction from the 1st sister...mainly cause her reaction will probably be similar and maybe they can deal/lament together and ill only have to go through whatever with them once instead of twice and separately. sadly though (as i was planning to write her today) i get a text message from her about an emergency shes dealing with. i guess its just not the time to come out to her. glad i hadnt written and sent the letter yet.

changes?
-my face was oily as all get out this morning when i woke up. kinda gross but i hear it happens.
-randomly when im working out ill feel like i can lift or do more.. like a tiny burst of energy that comes from nowhere. and its really from nowhere cause i usually havent eaten anything before i workout at the gym at work - /shrug - could be adrenaline...?
-ill be..interrupted from whatever im doing cause of a..feeling i guess youd call it. ive heard people "appropriately" call him "the little guy"...it works. ill get a feeling down there, followed by wild sexual urge. i can usually make this pass..but it sucks when im in bed trying to go to sleep and Tee is asleep already and BAM! unless im dog tired it takes me another 30 minutes to get to sleep. no good on a late night.
-i get strange sensations in..or rather on my arms. like my arm hair has gotten more sensitive or something...or maybe theres just more of it. i dunno. im actually not all that concerned either. but its noticeable enough for me to stop what im doing and look at my arm to see if theres something on it or wrong with it.

im sleepy..but being fairly productive at work...except for the time its taken me to write this blog on/off between sql scripts etc. i should go do work now.

lates.

Ray

i can handle the truth

sitting in my car on the phone with my mom she starts into me in her most loving way possible, "not everyones going to agree with what youre doing" and i know that. i am fully aware. my problem arose when i thought that it was ok and turns out its not. my mom for one is behind me one hundred and eighty-two percent with transitioning..and is happy for me. amazing. wonderful. and i thought my eldest sister was happy for me too, having finally found the courage to deal with something so serious, so pressing.. or at least this was my impression.

i got a phone call yesterday from a family friend asking me if i wanted to play softball. assumedly sensing my apprehension she quickly mentioned that it was a co-ed team. seeing through it i mentioned that they would need a certain number of girls on the team and she said 'yes.' my reply? 'i dont think that would work for very long' - she laughed (expectedly - hey..im a funny guy) and said, 'yeah well, its kind of a long process' - talking about transition. i reply 'yeah well, i started hormone therapy last week.' she pauses and says 'yeah well..its still a long process.' feeling pretty blown off, misunderstood, annoyed and ready to get off the phone (i was at a birthday part for pete's sake) i agree to 'think about it and let her know.'

about an hour later i get a call from my sister. by this time im on the highway on the way home from the birthday party - in the car with my fiancee and the kid. my sister starts asking me question after question about whether ive researched what im doing; who ive talked to about the issue; if ive been to therapy. she even goes into a small spiel about how if any of us (there were three of us growing up) were a boy growing up that it would have been her. shes going on about how i dont look or act like a boy; telling me that changing my body wont make me a man. shes asking if im doing this for someone else or being pressured. on and on.

i grant her her experience because its hers.. but I AM ME. I lived the entirety of my life confused and distraught. I am the one that played the game the way i thought i had to to keep the peace at home. I am the one that spent my college career crossdressing when i could, drinking when i couldnt, dressing up to make other people happy, doing any and everything other people asked me to so they would like me... I am the child that had the self-esteem problem, that no one understood, that no one ever talked to, that faded into the background of the family doing everything "RIGHT" to make everything LOOK ok.

and no one outside of myself can sit and tell me that im wrong. no one can say that things werent how i saw them because no one else lived my life but me. maybe i dont remember things perfectly, but i do know how i perceived them and this is it. this is what it was like.. this is what i got.. this is what ive dealt with. and this is my conclusion.

i dont expect transitioning to "fix" my life. if you ask me, my life isnt broken. its just really really uncomfortable, and for no other reason than im a guy and everything outside of me says that im not. its time for everything outside of me to agree with ME instead of me agreeing with it/them. its time for me to be me. and if its not ok with you then so be it. but do not tell me everything is "fine" and "okay" and that youre "supportive" if youre not. because when it finally comes out one day that youre not.. i'll be shocked and appalled..much like i was yesterday and the fact of the matter is.. I CAN HANDLE THE TRUTH. if you dont like it.. fine. thats your business. and you can reconcile your feelings in your own time and space and for real? that has nothing to do with me. the reaction you give me.. the response you share with me.. is the ONLY thing that has anything to do with me.. and for heavens sake and for the sake of my sanity..just let your response be the TRUTH.

frustrated..disappointed..scared..but ok...


Raymond W***** III

just WAIT til i get my name changed....!

..hrm...im a bit on the fiesty side. we may want to give this a little while to cool down folks.. feeling a bit ... betrayed at the moment. sheesh.. and i hadnt overreacted to anything since my first shot.. until yesterday. i swerved on the highway and pulled over abruptly then stood on the side of the road dry heaving for a good 2 minutes on I-85N. no good.. *sigh*

but trust and believe.. itll be fine.
got a lovely voicemail from my mom this morning.. she even used the right name. *smile*

Lates.

rw

one week down, many many more to go

as of today, i have been on testosterone for one full week. woohoo!

hrm..it seems however that i can hardly feign excitement.. not too long ago i received a text message saying my father is being recommended to a Pancreas Transplant Program. not that he doesnt need it - he hasnt been able to stabilize himself for as long as i can remember - but its still kinda... shocking? i guess thats it. a part of me wants to cry. the other part is just..waiting to see what the heck is going to happen with the whole situation.

as far as transition is concerned.. i havent noticed any changes.. other than what i described yesterday. i think ill do a video tonight.. if i can muster up the energy/will. im a bit down now but not over-emotional. i did catch my face at a weird angle in the mirror a few minutes ago and saw that i have quite a bit of fuzz.. i should shave. been too tired lately in the mornings - i dont generally fall asleep well at night.

im a bit all over the place.. its the news im sure. im really anxious for my next shot and more changes and stuff. maybe itll push me out at work. hahaha..

gotta run

Ray

grr kinda day

feelin pretty.. weird today. on the sick side i suppose. on my cycle too so having cramps and a trite irritable but making it.. or at least i thought i was makin it. ive been moving pretty slowly all day, but moving. at work...

ok. im a dork but bear with the details.. i pretty much truncated about 15 tables on the production server at work.. result? all field agents in america and canada were unable to login for "about 10 minutes" .. which in reality was about an hour. sheeeeesh! at least it was lunch time, but after i got help with it people around me started getting emails and phone calls about not being able to log in. finally my team lead went to VP of IT and told him what happened. i gotta say though, his reaction was classic... from his office (my cube is about about 15 feet away) he yells "welcome aboard, Ray!" not knowing what else to do i reply "thanks!"

probably shouldntve skipped the workout this morning huh...?

still feelin a bit crappy. cant help but wonder if its cause im bleeding with testosterone in my system. im not as down as i expected id be..which probably is due having some of the right hormone...though not completely.

im still looking in the mirror, praying that acne wont show up, trying to notice if my skin is getting any oilier or rougher or anything. i should give it a rest, but im obsessing a little. speaking of obsessing.. i should do some step work today...

kinda day that makes you wanna say "grrrr arg."

Raymond

can never really know

ive been thinking about it lately and there really is no amount of psychotherapy that can adequately prepare you for the changes you undergo during sex reassignment. i cognitively understand the changes that will happen... the redistribution of body fat, the thickening of the blood, the growth of the clitoris, the toughening of the skin, the increase in muscle building ability, the deepening of the voice.. i am actually looking forward to them all. i am a man and i should look/feel like a man. i get it in my head. the simple fact that it is not yet my reality still keeps me far far away from the place where i can know what im going to feel or what any of it is going to feel like. am i ready for a big change in everything? i am. but i cant quite wrap my head around what is going to change emotionally and how my experience of life is going to change. i know for a fact that it will be very different - even from what life is like as i do my best to live life as i know it currently as a male.

its kinda silly where i am right now. ok, i know ive only had one shot, but i find myself trying to figure out whats different and wondering if i should even notice if anything is different. truth be told i think i started a cycle today (one day early funny enough) but its really light, ive had no cramps today, and my mood hasnt been horrible. granted some of this could be attributed to the excellent mood ive been in from the mere fact that ive started hormone therapy... *sigh* like i said..i just dont know.

the ministry that id been mentioning? the website is up. im way excited.
http://www.theshepherdstablechurch.org
its going to be amazing amazing stuff. and every time i think about it i am reminded of how much work i have to do for it... but thinking about it doesnt stress me out. i like that. i just know i got to get to work. thats different for me...and i like it. i like it a lot.

Raymond

still excited.. day one

lol.. ok ok.. i wont blog counting the days ive been on T... i swear.

yesterday was extra crazy. got to T's job .... *stops to think* "how does one differentiate the s/o from the hormone..." ... got to Tee's job after work, everythings ok. we get to the mouth of the driveway about to turn out into the street and *rumble rumble put* .. car cuts off. we spend the next couple hours trying to jump start the car and waiting for my dad to come clear across town to help out. turns out the bolt on the bottom of the alternator came almost all the way out...no tension in the alternator belt is just as good as no alternator at all. over the course of the evening my dad pretty much starts having a "reaction" (he's an insulin dependent diabetic) on about three separate occasions (how the h*ll was i supposed to know he needed more carbs than what we gave him as dinner?!). im not bitter...ok, maybe a little. anyway..we got the car fixed around 2:30a.

heres the kicker...the whole night, i didnt freak out. usually my dad acting the way he does when he has a "reaction" really really gets to me..but last night i worked through the whole night a-ok. no over-reacting, no crying, no yelling. stellar, eh? and yes, my dads just fine. probably about as sleep deprived as myself..but just fine. i dont know if he remembers but i asked him last night if i got a big house if he would come live with me.. he said 'yes'.. that gave me a little hope. it means that he still cares a little about himself (sorry..loooong story there). i also told him that i went to the doctor and started hormone therapy that day. much like himself he didnt respond directly to that. i let him have that one.

i did having a lot of .. chest itching last night. now that i think about it.. this may have been caused by a combination of how hot it was out - my binding - and all the laying on the ground required to help my dad with the alternator issue. of course i cannot discount the fairly high amount of "foreign" hormone in my body.. (i personally dont think its foreign, i think its supposed to be there..but i think you know what i mean.) so i include that detail here just in case i forget to tell a doctor or something.. or if it gets worse. really i think i just got bit by something.. i was laying on the concrete all-in-all for at least half an hour last night.

anway...i still feel kinda "on top of the world" a bit. almost anxious..but not in a bad or alarming kind of way. arg.. im pretty bad at expressing "new" emotions so youll have to bear with me as i figure this stuff out some more along the way. all-in-all i feel good. and comfortable. slightly itchy on the left side of my chest, but not too horribly irritatingly so.

that was waay too long of a post for a guy at work...

lates.

Raymond

duuuude! happy shot day to me!

im so excited...STILL. so..about three and a half hours ago me and my girl were sitting in the examination room at FWHC here in Atlanta. she was making me a little anxious with how anxious she was...she made a video in the room..and when i say video..clearly i mean three videos. think shes gonna start a vlog..im sorry..tlog and post them up on youtube. sweet.

*exhales* so i got my first shot of testosterone today. im still pretty amped. im probably gonna sleep really good tonight cause ive been so excited for so long. like..im tired, but im all ... not tired on the inside. its crazy.

it was no short ordeal let me tell you. and i almost had to reschedule to to financial difficulties, but im willing to risk quite a lot to make the life i desire a reality and my credit union "has my back" so to speak...so i charged the $80 todays visit cost me and will get all that straightened out next pay check. id been waiting long enough. and once you get the ball rolling..itll keep going all by itself, ya know?

doctor C was really nice. she let my s/o give me the shot - great way to learn eh? and T was nervous, but she did a GREAT job, only felt a prick (ironically enough) and it was over pretty fast. i gotta give her her props though.. and props to ANY man out there giving yourself your shot.. that needle just looks like something i dont want to stick into myself...and im not needle phobic! whew!
so..im still way excited and dont know what to do with myself!

i just know this is going to rock. video uploads on youtube to come...

Ray

working out

so theres a small gym in my building at work. got to work early this morning and actually worked out for a good 45 minutes or so. it feels good to be doing something for my body..even though i have my issues with it. i guess ill have to see what i feel like tonight and in the morning to gauge how good of a workout it was. i abhor cardio, but spent a good 20+ minutes on the treadmill (ha!).
saturday we had our first ministry leadership meeting. it went really well. i came out of it encouraged. this is going to be good... very very good. my s/o and i showed pastor my letter for hormone therapy and mentioned going to florida for top surgery in february and possibly with another gentleman that ive come to know on "the playground" (my affectionate nickname for Laura's Playground Site). from there-much like ive done here-we had to explain about the site and how i am a moderator on the forums there. we also mentioned the blog and the youtube vlog and he kinda stopped and asked when i was going to florida again? he then mentioned that that might be the time for me step into my calling. while there we kinda glossed over it a bit, but that moment stuck with me. a lot of whats holding me back is my physical and mental discomfort from the dysphoria. it is, in a way, blocking me from seeing where im going. but i am doing all i can right now to deal with it and get past it so i can step into my calling.. STOMP into it even. when i got to a computer that evening it was all kind of confirmed in my head as there was a new Transgender Spirituality forum up at the playground. im definitely where i need to be, right now.
im on countdown. i get my first shot on thursday and im stoked! but trying not to get myself too worked up. i dont know how long it will take before i notice a change. really all im counting on is at least feeling better in the first week or so. less unstable and moody. if thats all i get, itll be enough. ..for a little while at least. im ready to hear my voice drop, but i can wait for that if only i can stay in a positive mood for longer than a few hours at a time.
haha.. i should be working.

later.

Ray