blahze yadda

for lack of a better title i suppose. that and ill probably be all over the place with this post. you have been warned. *smile*

im generally doing well. not on the 1400 calorie diet anymore.. which means more meat for me woohoo! which also means that at Tee's grandmother's birthday dinner i had hibachi filet mignon ( i have expensive taste) and yesterday beef salami and lemon pepper chicken on the two sandwiches i had for lunch. teehee! mmmmm meeeeeaaaaat. guess that could go in the changes section really.. i hear its something that happens...meat cravings.. from the T.
that night after the birthday dinner i came out to grandma. she was very supportive and pretty much told me that i have to be who i am. that rocked. amazingness. esp considering the reaction Tee got from her when she told her she was a lesbian about 9 years ago...but then again.. it was 9 years ago. people change. especially as they start to get old. youd think this fact would make me less warry about coming out to my own grandparents.. it doesnt. my grandfather is what scares me really.. but.. the skins getting thicker - both inside and outside. it was kinda crazy though cause she even said that she would help out when it was time for me to get surgery.. o.O.. SWEET! pray God i wont be hunting around for too much help..but exciting to know that help is there..ya dig?

about thicker skin...im much less likely to put up with things i dont like. i cannot see this going well for me or anyone around me. its liable to start some disagreement. its not that im not willing to compromise, im just gonna call you on your stuff. if i dont like it.. i at least want you to know i dont like it.. whereas before id just suck it up and not even mention it. now ill mention it and probably make a move to do something about it.. which will probably get on your nerves and then force us to talk about it - (or fight about it depending on moods). which is fine.. i just dont like to be the bad guy..which is kind of what it makes me...? scratches head.. [no really.. i actually scratched my head on that...] *sigh* ...*shrug* these things happen.

i finally made another youtube vid! it kinda touches on a few of the things id been going through the past month - for greater detail though just read up on here and all (except for the extra personal stuff with the s/o - that you can email me about *wink*) has been outlined.. you even get to read my emotions about it.. *blank stare* ... guess thats a good thing.

shot #5 went off without a hitch and i even gave it to myself friday morning - in the leg. i did find myself worrying about leaving T in the needle.. but really? im a recovering drug addict.. im just kinda that way. like..i dont like to leave crumbs from my food - i dont like to leave any liquid behind when i have a drink... stuff like that. obsessive. it happens. im proud of myself though.. for giving myself my own shot. feelin all independent and stuff..which is cool.

i sometimes worry about being co-dependent. not often, but at times i do. thing is.. i am fine with doing things myself - by myself - and/or for myself ... i just like to do them with Tee. i like to include her in the things that i do and be included in what she does. if i wanted to be alone, id be alone. but im a bit old fashioned too.. and i think this is where i resemble some co-dependent traits. like.. she's my girl.. i want to know where she is and what shes doing cause i want to be able to protect her or be there if she suddenly needs me. i want to know who i need to be looking for if something ever happens to her. i want to know shes safe and know when shell be home .. just all out of the fact that shes with me and not with some ghetto, non-chalant, non-caring prick who doesnt give a sh*t about where his girl is and what shes doing as long as shes f*cking him too. does that make sense? i guess now-a-days its called overprotective. ive had to lay off it lately.. and its been ok. just leaves me feeling a little anxious at times, is all. id like to think that if she didnt want to be with me that she would just leave me.. i dont know if i believe that to be true.

grr - starting to worry about what i write.. never a good sign. what to do? dont delete any of it and just keep typing... lol. dont get me wrong.. things are always getting better. but sometimes i stop and look up cause i feel like theres another shoe up there somewhere just waiting to fall...

changes (granted ive mentioned some above):
-ive got a few short very dark hairs on my upper lip.. oooo mustache. *big smile*
-Tee says she can feel a little roughness when you go "against the grain" on my face. i thought that hair was too fine to feel, but my hands are kinda rough so that might be why i cant feel it.
-chest hairs appear to be beginning to darken..oooo. i already had some short blonde hairs on my chest but i think i have more of it now and its actually turning brown. i dont mind..but i think Tee might.
-sex drive - rediculousness! so i asked a cismale friend about it and all he could say to me was "Welcome Sir" lol

i took a couple photos this weekend: face, profile, 2 arm shots, 1 bicep shot - ill probably post those soon...just dont have them with me at work.

thanks for checkin up on me eh? *smile*

Ray