i am a pubescent boy trapped in the body of a twenty-six year old and it sucks. ok, not really. its just really uncomfortable sometimes. i have yet to figure out what little boys who dont know what to do about sex-drive-feelings do with themselves. i can only begin to imagine what the young guy who hasnt been explained what sex IS thinks during this time. thus the plight of the misinformed youth... talk about a random bit of insight i wasnt expecting.
ok.. i heard an older guy say it and i didnt exactly know what he meant at the time, but im starting to get an idea. he told me that on T, you can never really know what to expect your mind to be thinking. that you might fantasize about stuff you never thought you would. well.. i dont know if i never thought id be fantasizing about some of these things.. truth be told ive had some pretty wild fantasies and dreams in my day... but.. *sigh* yeah. and they arent disturbing so much as.. i knew they would come. lets just say i pretty much know what all i am and have been attracted to over the years. ive even tried quite a few activities.. granted i may have been loaded for the majority of them. so i really shouldnt be surprised when certain thoughts come to mind, and im not. ..it just makes me worry a little. the older guy? he says that everything might change. your sexuality may change, your fetishes may change, all of it. as broad as my "likes" are now.. i wonder how different they might become..
shot 7 went off pretty well. the aspirating the needle is weird and makes me nervous since injecting air into your body doesnt sound really seem like an ok to thing to do. but it is air that came OUT of my body...so that should make it ok... *sigh* whatever. the site was sore for about a day.. but nothing like last time. i used my right hand of course.
so we've gone and done it. we've launched the ministry. i just know its going to be a wonderful thing. i dont know what to say about it though, so ill let the website speak for itself. http://www.theshepherdstablechurch.org. ...sweet. (peter griffin style)
so i signed up on the ftmMentors site and THAT is pretty cool. i think a lot of people will be helped if they can keep that site going.
dude! SCC is like.. this week! And i got the time off of work so i get to hang with my tfolk ALL weekend long..starting thursday. thats gonna rock. plus my friend A is coming up from Florida to play.. lol ok, ok hes really coming for the conference, but STILL... we're totally gonna play. hes gonna bring his Wii. im stoked. a bit nervous..but mostly just stoked. oh.. SCC is Southern Comfort Conference a transgender conference held in Atlanta yearly http://www.sccatl.org/..and i got a scholarship to go.. loooong story on why i cant afford it. but im going and thats all that matters. and im WAY excited.
i guess thats really everything thats going on. went fishing for the first time life on Saturday. i liked it a lot more than i thought i would. and im pretty good at it...casting that is. dont know how someone is good at fishing.. i guess if the fish dont get away often... im sorry.. now im just rambling.
i really should get to the gym. laters!
Ray
Tuesday, September 30, 2008
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
shot 6, life, family
had my 6th shot o' T on friday. in an attempt to change the injection location i ended up with a sore spot on my thigh muscle for like two days. im sure it didnt help that after id poked around in there with the needle a bit (im SO not ambidextrous) i worked out way hard at the gym that night. ..meh. these things happen.
ive been way busy at work and despite the desire to blog, hadnt really been able to set aside the time. i had even been trying to write some of it in my head so maybe if i found a little time, it would make the blogging quicker. to no avail. some of the past few days i hadnt even been able to check up on my yahoo groups. suppose im stacking up the job security though.. performing my booty off so when stuff goes down i dont go down with it. ;)
something i wanted to say.. kinda to everyone whos reading thats been a part of my life. my current situation and decisions are not based on anything youve said or done. *lol i hate bushes* ...im not a transman because of anything you said to me or did to me. im not transitioning in order to get some prize for being a man. im transitioning because i want to be treated the way that i feel. i want to be respected for the man that i am in my spirit. it has nothing to do with how you treated me in the past, anything you may have said to "hurt my feelings," anything i couldnt do because of my biological femaleness (is that a word? ...you know what i mean). my transition isnt about anyone other than me. its what i want and what i feel will make me more...me.
if anything..over the years there were things that happened and things that people said to make me feel like my maleness was wrong. that made me feel like i was less of a person because my inside didnt match my outside. and yes, i spent years upon years trying to change the inside to match the preconceived notions of what the outside should be... but much to my pleasure, those days are over now. we all gotta grow up about it and understand that this is my life and my decision. as much as it hurts us both, we kinda gotta get over that and come to a conclusion. either youre going to continue to be in my life or youre not. it sounds harsh, but its the truth. you dont have to agree, you dont have to "support," but you DO have to respect me. call me what i desire to be called, refer to me with masculine pronouns or dont deal with me at all..how bout it?!
ive shared about it in a couple meetings lately and its pretty much whats going on with me. i am far less willing to put up with things that i dont like anymore. the gender thing, and being recognized appropriately.. is quickly approaching my list of things. which is kinda funny cause really i can only pass about a quarter of the time at most. lol..im actually starting to confuse people since my voice is dropping - kinda excited about that.
changes:
-little man still growing - got wider and a touch longer. thought id mention it for people who are concerned
-that little 5'oclock looking blotch of baby mustacheness is the joy of my life - though i should shave..cant go growing a mustache and not being out at work, i suppose
-im definitely going to have chest hair. i dont have a problem with that. looks like quite a bit of the hair follicles will be removed during top surgery. i dont mind either way. the blonde hairs that were there before are continuing to darken and are still really thin, but growing.
-i have pimples on my chest. this is weird and at first i thought maybe i was just attacked by a small family of spiders or something (proves how much i know about pimples and what they look like), but my s/o says theyre pimples. ok. sucks..but whatever.
-the stomach that has grown on my stomach is brown, but there isnt much and its new so its short
-i dont have very much fat left on my calves and my s/o seems to think my thighs are getting smaller. these could be due to the muay thai and jiu jitsu classes..but id bet on it being a combination of that AND the T
-the amount of flat my chest gets is nice. theres extraness of course, but i think i do pretty well in that area (as far as looking relatively male)...as long as im not moving around a ton. all that goes out the window if im not wearing my t-kingdom binder at the gym. lol. which ive done once and was VERY happy with.
-i still get pimples on my face, but when i remember to use it, the mint masque clears those up pretty fast. good stuff.
all in all, i feel very real. very present. which is saying a lot really. the last time i felt this real was on my t-birthday. before that was really late one random drug-induced night..i looked up at the sky through the trees out in front of my apartment in hollywood and i said out loud something to the extent of...i really have a problem. i have a problem and i need help. i cant keep doing this. the high i had went away and whatever else i did that night was a waste cause i couldnt really feel it anyway. but looking up at the sky and the trees that night. those things were real. all of that was real. for so much of my life the world just looked like a figment of my imagination. i mean.. i know it was all there..but its what it felt like to me. ...*wondering if i make any sense to anyone else in the world right now*
should be working...
lates
Ray
ive been way busy at work and despite the desire to blog, hadnt really been able to set aside the time. i had even been trying to write some of it in my head so maybe if i found a little time, it would make the blogging quicker. to no avail. some of the past few days i hadnt even been able to check up on my yahoo groups. suppose im stacking up the job security though.. performing my booty off so when stuff goes down i dont go down with it. ;)
something i wanted to say.. kinda to everyone whos reading thats been a part of my life. my current situation and decisions are not based on anything youve said or done. *lol i hate bushes* ...im not a transman because of anything you said to me or did to me. im not transitioning in order to get some prize for being a man. im transitioning because i want to be treated the way that i feel. i want to be respected for the man that i am in my spirit. it has nothing to do with how you treated me in the past, anything you may have said to "hurt my feelings," anything i couldnt do because of my biological femaleness (is that a word? ...you know what i mean). my transition isnt about anyone other than me. its what i want and what i feel will make me more...me.
if anything..over the years there were things that happened and things that people said to make me feel like my maleness was wrong. that made me feel like i was less of a person because my inside didnt match my outside. and yes, i spent years upon years trying to change the inside to match the preconceived notions of what the outside should be... but much to my pleasure, those days are over now. we all gotta grow up about it and understand that this is my life and my decision. as much as it hurts us both, we kinda gotta get over that and come to a conclusion. either youre going to continue to be in my life or youre not. it sounds harsh, but its the truth. you dont have to agree, you dont have to "support," but you DO have to respect me. call me what i desire to be called, refer to me with masculine pronouns or dont deal with me at all..how bout it?!
ive shared about it in a couple meetings lately and its pretty much whats going on with me. i am far less willing to put up with things that i dont like anymore. the gender thing, and being recognized appropriately.. is quickly approaching my list of things. which is kinda funny cause really i can only pass about a quarter of the time at most. lol..im actually starting to confuse people since my voice is dropping - kinda excited about that.
changes:
-little man still growing - got wider and a touch longer. thought id mention it for people who are concerned
-that little 5'oclock looking blotch of baby mustacheness is the joy of my life - though i should shave..cant go growing a mustache and not being out at work, i suppose
-im definitely going to have chest hair. i dont have a problem with that. looks like quite a bit of the hair follicles will be removed during top surgery. i dont mind either way. the blonde hairs that were there before are continuing to darken and are still really thin, but growing.
-i have pimples on my chest. this is weird and at first i thought maybe i was just attacked by a small family of spiders or something (proves how much i know about pimples and what they look like), but my s/o says theyre pimples. ok. sucks..but whatever.
-the stomach that has grown on my stomach is brown, but there isnt much and its new so its short
-i dont have very much fat left on my calves and my s/o seems to think my thighs are getting smaller. these could be due to the muay thai and jiu jitsu classes..but id bet on it being a combination of that AND the T
-the amount of flat my chest gets is nice. theres extraness of course, but i think i do pretty well in that area (as far as looking relatively male)...as long as im not moving around a ton. all that goes out the window if im not wearing my t-kingdom binder at the gym. lol. which ive done once and was VERY happy with.
-i still get pimples on my face, but when i remember to use it, the mint masque clears those up pretty fast. good stuff.
all in all, i feel very real. very present. which is saying a lot really. the last time i felt this real was on my t-birthday. before that was really late one random drug-induced night..i looked up at the sky through the trees out in front of my apartment in hollywood and i said out loud something to the extent of...i really have a problem. i have a problem and i need help. i cant keep doing this. the high i had went away and whatever else i did that night was a waste cause i couldnt really feel it anyway. but looking up at the sky and the trees that night. those things were real. all of that was real. for so much of my life the world just looked like a figment of my imagination. i mean.. i know it was all there..but its what it felt like to me. ...*wondering if i make any sense to anyone else in the world right now*
should be working...
lates
Ray
Monday, September 15, 2008
blahze yadda
for lack of a better title i suppose. that and ill probably be all over the place with this post. you have been warned. *smile*
im generally doing well. not on the 1400 calorie diet anymore.. which means more meat for me woohoo! which also means that at Tee's grandmother's birthday dinner i had hibachi filet mignon ( i have expensive taste) and yesterday beef salami and lemon pepper chicken on the two sandwiches i had for lunch. teehee! mmmmm meeeeeaaaaat. guess that could go in the changes section really.. i hear its something that happens...meat cravings.. from the T.
that night after the birthday dinner i came out to grandma. she was very supportive and pretty much told me that i have to be who i am. that rocked. amazingness. esp considering the reaction Tee got from her when she told her she was a lesbian about 9 years ago...but then again.. it was 9 years ago. people change. especially as they start to get old. youd think this fact would make me less warry about coming out to my own grandparents.. it doesnt. my grandfather is what scares me really.. but.. the skins getting thicker - both inside and outside. it was kinda crazy though cause she even said that she would help out when it was time for me to get surgery.. o.O.. SWEET! pray God i wont be hunting around for too much help..but exciting to know that help is there..ya dig?
about thicker skin...im much less likely to put up with things i dont like. i cannot see this going well for me or anyone around me. its liable to start some disagreement. its not that im not willing to compromise, im just gonna call you on your stuff. if i dont like it.. i at least want you to know i dont like it.. whereas before id just suck it up and not even mention it. now ill mention it and probably make a move to do something about it.. which will probably get on your nerves and then force us to talk about it - (or fight about it depending on moods). which is fine.. i just dont like to be the bad guy..which is kind of what it makes me...? scratches head.. [no really.. i actually scratched my head on that...] *sigh* ...*shrug* these things happen.
i finally made another youtube vid! it kinda touches on a few of the things id been going through the past month - for greater detail though just read up on here and all (except for the extra personal stuff with the s/o - that you can email me about *wink*) has been outlined.. you even get to read my emotions about it.. *blank stare* ... guess thats a good thing.
shot #5 went off without a hitch and i even gave it to myself friday morning - in the leg. i did find myself worrying about leaving T in the needle.. but really? im a recovering drug addict.. im just kinda that way. like..i dont like to leave crumbs from my food - i dont like to leave any liquid behind when i have a drink... stuff like that. obsessive. it happens. im proud of myself though.. for giving myself my own shot. feelin all independent and stuff..which is cool.
i sometimes worry about being co-dependent. not often, but at times i do. thing is.. i am fine with doing things myself - by myself - and/or for myself ... i just like to do them with Tee. i like to include her in the things that i do and be included in what she does. if i wanted to be alone, id be alone. but im a bit old fashioned too.. and i think this is where i resemble some co-dependent traits. like.. she's my girl.. i want to know where she is and what shes doing cause i want to be able to protect her or be there if she suddenly needs me. i want to know who i need to be looking for if something ever happens to her. i want to know shes safe and know when shell be home .. just all out of the fact that shes with me and not with some ghetto, non-chalant, non-caring prick who doesnt give a sh*t about where his girl is and what shes doing as long as shes f*cking him too. does that make sense? i guess now-a-days its called overprotective. ive had to lay off it lately.. and its been ok. just leaves me feeling a little anxious at times, is all. id like to think that if she didnt want to be with me that she would just leave me.. i dont know if i believe that to be true.
grr - starting to worry about what i write.. never a good sign. what to do? dont delete any of it and just keep typing... lol. dont get me wrong.. things are always getting better. but sometimes i stop and look up cause i feel like theres another shoe up there somewhere just waiting to fall...
changes (granted ive mentioned some above):
-ive got a few short very dark hairs on my upper lip.. oooo mustache. *big smile*
-Tee says she can feel a little roughness when you go "against the grain" on my face. i thought that hair was too fine to feel, but my hands are kinda rough so that might be why i cant feel it.
-chest hairs appear to be beginning to darken..oooo. i already had some short blonde hairs on my chest but i think i have more of it now and its actually turning brown. i dont mind..but i think Tee might.
-sex drive - rediculousness! so i asked a cismale friend about it and all he could say to me was "Welcome Sir" lol
i took a couple photos this weekend: face, profile, 2 arm shots, 1 bicep shot - ill probably post those soon...just dont have them with me at work.
thanks for checkin up on me eh? *smile*
Ray
im generally doing well. not on the 1400 calorie diet anymore.. which means more meat for me woohoo! which also means that at Tee's grandmother's birthday dinner i had hibachi filet mignon ( i have expensive taste) and yesterday beef salami and lemon pepper chicken on the two sandwiches i had for lunch. teehee! mmmmm meeeeeaaaaat. guess that could go in the changes section really.. i hear its something that happens...meat cravings.. from the T.
that night after the birthday dinner i came out to grandma. she was very supportive and pretty much told me that i have to be who i am. that rocked. amazingness. esp considering the reaction Tee got from her when she told her she was a lesbian about 9 years ago...but then again.. it was 9 years ago. people change. especially as they start to get old. youd think this fact would make me less warry about coming out to my own grandparents.. it doesnt. my grandfather is what scares me really.. but.. the skins getting thicker - both inside and outside. it was kinda crazy though cause she even said that she would help out when it was time for me to get surgery.. o.O.. SWEET! pray God i wont be hunting around for too much help..but exciting to know that help is there..ya dig?
about thicker skin...im much less likely to put up with things i dont like. i cannot see this going well for me or anyone around me. its liable to start some disagreement. its not that im not willing to compromise, im just gonna call you on your stuff. if i dont like it.. i at least want you to know i dont like it.. whereas before id just suck it up and not even mention it. now ill mention it and probably make a move to do something about it.. which will probably get on your nerves and then force us to talk about it - (or fight about it depending on moods). which is fine.. i just dont like to be the bad guy..which is kind of what it makes me...? scratches head.. [no really.. i actually scratched my head on that...] *sigh* ...*shrug* these things happen.
i finally made another youtube vid! it kinda touches on a few of the things id been going through the past month - for greater detail though just read up on here and all (except for the extra personal stuff with the s/o - that you can email me about *wink*) has been outlined.. you even get to read my emotions about it.. *blank stare* ... guess thats a good thing.
shot #5 went off without a hitch and i even gave it to myself friday morning - in the leg. i did find myself worrying about leaving T in the needle.. but really? im a recovering drug addict.. im just kinda that way. like..i dont like to leave crumbs from my food - i dont like to leave any liquid behind when i have a drink... stuff like that. obsessive. it happens. im proud of myself though.. for giving myself my own shot. feelin all independent and stuff..which is cool.
i sometimes worry about being co-dependent. not often, but at times i do. thing is.. i am fine with doing things myself - by myself - and/or for myself ... i just like to do them with Tee. i like to include her in the things that i do and be included in what she does. if i wanted to be alone, id be alone. but im a bit old fashioned too.. and i think this is where i resemble some co-dependent traits. like.. she's my girl.. i want to know where she is and what shes doing cause i want to be able to protect her or be there if she suddenly needs me. i want to know who i need to be looking for if something ever happens to her. i want to know shes safe and know when shell be home .. just all out of the fact that shes with me and not with some ghetto, non-chalant, non-caring prick who doesnt give a sh*t about where his girl is and what shes doing as long as shes f*cking him too. does that make sense? i guess now-a-days its called overprotective. ive had to lay off it lately.. and its been ok. just leaves me feeling a little anxious at times, is all. id like to think that if she didnt want to be with me that she would just leave me.. i dont know if i believe that to be true.
grr - starting to worry about what i write.. never a good sign. what to do? dont delete any of it and just keep typing... lol. dont get me wrong.. things are always getting better. but sometimes i stop and look up cause i feel like theres another shoe up there somewhere just waiting to fall...
changes (granted ive mentioned some above):
-ive got a few short very dark hairs on my upper lip.. oooo mustache. *big smile*
-Tee says she can feel a little roughness when you go "against the grain" on my face. i thought that hair was too fine to feel, but my hands are kinda rough so that might be why i cant feel it.
-chest hairs appear to be beginning to darken..oooo. i already had some short blonde hairs on my chest but i think i have more of it now and its actually turning brown. i dont mind..but i think Tee might.
-sex drive - rediculousness! so i asked a cismale friend about it and all he could say to me was "Welcome Sir" lol
i took a couple photos this weekend: face, profile, 2 arm shots, 1 bicep shot - ill probably post those soon...just dont have them with me at work.
thanks for checkin up on me eh? *smile*
Ray
Saturday, September 6, 2008
extended family
went to my grandparents house today. i love my grandparents so much. right now - as far as i know - they dont know. while i was there, i could hear the lowering of my voice. i didnt sound exactly like the girl i sounded like last time i heard my voice bounce off the walls, plants, couches of their home. and i got scared. i got scared someone would ask me about it and i wouldnt know what to say. scared of the repetitive screaming "IM A TRANSSEXUAL" inside my head. wondering if it was going to stumble out of my mouth by mistake the next time i opened it to speak.
it went well. my cousin showed up.. next target. she'll "share" the news with my grandma (at least) for sure and itll all come down after that. granted i think im going to write my grandma another letter. i wrote her once in college. i dont really remember what the letter said. now that i think this over.. and recall the story of receiving the letter that my cousin tells i guess i told her i was a lesbian. lol. for lack of a better understanding... that and i wanted so bad to just fit into one of those neat little boxes in college. little did i know id be trapped in that "neat little box" til i was 25 SCREAMING.. ACHING.. CRYING to get out and be the real me.
my dad showed up too. i think he could hear it. only because i think i get how i pay attention to detail from him. i think he was happy to see me. i didnt stay long after that but it was good to see him. my dad..how i love him...
dad - she - mom - he...the kid was confusing herself all day. and as Tee told her to "just pick one for home and stick to it" (good advice if you ask me) i finally got it. i think i get why its hard for her to hear Des call me dad. after all how can that be ok with you when youre not even sure that this is who the man in your house is going to be...? after our conversation last night im ok with whatever. she doesnt have to call me that. i dont deserve it really - and thats just in my own eyes. she should only be calling her biological and the man her mother marries "dad" - and for the first time for real.. thats ok with me. i cant lie and say that i wouldnt love it, because i would. but.. its ok - really it is. [of course this is just speculation...but it makes sense]
i will have been on T for one full month on tomorrow.. ive really got to get a video done....
..and a step wouldnt hurt either.
Ray
it went well. my cousin showed up.. next target. she'll "share" the news with my grandma (at least) for sure and itll all come down after that. granted i think im going to write my grandma another letter. i wrote her once in college. i dont really remember what the letter said. now that i think this over.. and recall the story of receiving the letter that my cousin tells i guess i told her i was a lesbian. lol. for lack of a better understanding... that and i wanted so bad to just fit into one of those neat little boxes in college. little did i know id be trapped in that "neat little box" til i was 25 SCREAMING.. ACHING.. CRYING to get out and be the real me.
my dad showed up too. i think he could hear it. only because i think i get how i pay attention to detail from him. i think he was happy to see me. i didnt stay long after that but it was good to see him. my dad..how i love him...
dad - she - mom - he...the kid was confusing herself all day. and as Tee told her to "just pick one for home and stick to it" (good advice if you ask me) i finally got it. i think i get why its hard for her to hear Des call me dad. after all how can that be ok with you when youre not even sure that this is who the man in your house is going to be...? after our conversation last night im ok with whatever. she doesnt have to call me that. i dont deserve it really - and thats just in my own eyes. she should only be calling her biological and the man her mother marries "dad" - and for the first time for real.. thats ok with me. i cant lie and say that i wouldnt love it, because i would. but.. its ok - really it is. [of course this is just speculation...but it makes sense]
i will have been on T for one full month on tomorrow.. ive really got to get a video done....
..and a step wouldnt hurt either.
Ray
Friday, September 5, 2008
love - like - live
its difficult to hear that your very being hurts someone you care for so deeply. its the truth though, and id rather have that than nothing or a lie. so.. we just keep going and we see what happens next. i cant help but think about that one dinner conversation where a good friend of ours told us that we were being very "mature" about the situation - commending us even. but i feel so small, so young, so inexperienced - new - lost.. estranged. and its a mutual feeling. like im floating away half the time til my tube bumps the other end of the pool and i float back to meet her in the middle.. only to float away again.
shot 4 this morning. it actually stung a little which i found strange...but no one ever said itd be the same every time. one day ill give myself my shot. i keep trying to figure out if im afraid to..i dont think i am. but i am the master of talking myself into (or out of) things. part of the nature of the disease...not GID..the other one. ;)
so apparently ive got to give everyone time to catch up to the twenty-five or six years ive had to deal with my gender problem. ok - i think i can do that. ill still feel what i feel about it...but i can do it. its just a strange place to be at when youve finally come to an understanding of something and a solution, but the people around you dont quite see the solution the way that you do. i dont know if strange is the right/only word...uncomfortable, frustrating..just to name a few. i mean, im not complaining, im just venting really. i know i cant change what other people think/do/feel - thats what makes the world such an interesting place. but grant me my feelings about it too.
im scared to be honest. i dont like being the reason why someone else is hurting. it makes me feel like there is something i can do to fix it. with this situation, i dont think that there is. not completely. no one should ever have to compromise their being for someone else. compromise some things yes, but not who they are. its not fair to them. so somehow i have to find out how to be fair to her. how to let her be the woman i fell in love with. easier said than done seeing as how im not the person she fell in love with.
a little boy that has to be a grown man..or at least learn really quickly. im workin on it..just not fast enough.
Raymond
shot 4 this morning. it actually stung a little which i found strange...but no one ever said itd be the same every time. one day ill give myself my shot. i keep trying to figure out if im afraid to..i dont think i am. but i am the master of talking myself into (or out of) things. part of the nature of the disease...not GID..the other one. ;)
so apparently ive got to give everyone time to catch up to the twenty-five or six years ive had to deal with my gender problem. ok - i think i can do that. ill still feel what i feel about it...but i can do it. its just a strange place to be at when youve finally come to an understanding of something and a solution, but the people around you dont quite see the solution the way that you do. i dont know if strange is the right/only word...uncomfortable, frustrating..just to name a few. i mean, im not complaining, im just venting really. i know i cant change what other people think/do/feel - thats what makes the world such an interesting place. but grant me my feelings about it too.
im scared to be honest. i dont like being the reason why someone else is hurting. it makes me feel like there is something i can do to fix it. with this situation, i dont think that there is. not completely. no one should ever have to compromise their being for someone else. compromise some things yes, but not who they are. its not fair to them. so somehow i have to find out how to be fair to her. how to let her be the woman i fell in love with. easier said than done seeing as how im not the person she fell in love with.
a little boy that has to be a grown man..or at least learn really quickly. im workin on it..just not fast enough.
Raymond
Thursday, September 4, 2008
it starts...
so before i was all.. 'i havent been extra horny or anything..just horny at inappropriate times'... *sigh* lets just say..its been a looong day. ive managed to feign productivity..at least.
less upset by extenuating circumstances. nervous about dinner with my sister..even though i dont know when we'll have time to get together. lol.. i still worry waaaay too much.
kickboxing the other day was phenomenal!!!! muay thai class with Tony Tuchi at X3 Sports..good stuff. he wouldnt let me spar since it was my first day, but he could tell i really wanted to. and i stayed the extra hour for jiu jitsu. that was cool too. today? im so sore...its great. the workout was extremely similar to what i had been doing when i was training in L.A. which is probably part of the reason i enjoyed it so much. and Tony has a sense of humor which is cool. while i was signing up as a member i asked dude signing me up "how liberal do you think your staff is?" he basically said that they werent a bunch of big macho jerks. i told him id asked because im transgender..transmasculine and plan on transitioning and just want to know if thats going to be a problem cause id hate to sign up for a year and not want to come back after 6 months. he said he didnt think it would be a problem. i probably couldve picked better words, but i was nervous and the point of the story is that i did it! i was proud of myself.
hrm.. writing that blog helped. ok.. i still havent done a youtube update. i suck, i know. ill get to it.. i hope. shot tomorrow..woohoo! i do wonder when the "excitement" of the shot will wear off.. if ever. i kinda hope it doesnt. lol
changes:
-still feeling the hair on my arms growing..which is weird but cool. had on shorts the other day and could feel that i also have new and longer leg hair. hard to notice cause im usually wearing jeans.
-im almost positive my urine odor has changed some. i dont have a problem with it, its just different. but i do generally remember to put the toilet seat down so i dont get yelled at for that anymore. :)
-little guys grown a little more since last i mentioned him. i dont like talking about him though so dont go hoping i mention him everytime i update this. lol
-ive been a bit distant. jack might say something about me spending lots of time in my "cave." and maybe that i need to hang out with my friends and get in some "guy time." distinct possibility. maybe i just need to go to a freakin meeting!!!! *sigh* (more on that later)
-still fighting off a mild breakout with the mint julip mask - but it works so im not worried.
thats pretty much it. oh the meeting stuff.. yeah.. i need to find a meeting that i really really like. so ill like..want to attend and pay attention and participate. ...*looks around*.. yeah. i need help.
ok.. i should be working... lates!
im in a really good mood right now.. can you tell?
*smile*
Ray
less upset by extenuating circumstances. nervous about dinner with my sister..even though i dont know when we'll have time to get together. lol.. i still worry waaaay too much.
kickboxing the other day was phenomenal!!!! muay thai class with Tony Tuchi at X3 Sports..good stuff. he wouldnt let me spar since it was my first day, but he could tell i really wanted to. and i stayed the extra hour for jiu jitsu. that was cool too. today? im so sore...its great. the workout was extremely similar to what i had been doing when i was training in L.A. which is probably part of the reason i enjoyed it so much. and Tony has a sense of humor which is cool. while i was signing up as a member i asked dude signing me up "how liberal do you think your staff is?" he basically said that they werent a bunch of big macho jerks. i told him id asked because im transgender..transmasculine and plan on transitioning and just want to know if thats going to be a problem cause id hate to sign up for a year and not want to come back after 6 months. he said he didnt think it would be a problem. i probably couldve picked better words, but i was nervous and the point of the story is that i did it! i was proud of myself.
hrm.. writing that blog helped. ok.. i still havent done a youtube update. i suck, i know. ill get to it.. i hope. shot tomorrow..woohoo! i do wonder when the "excitement" of the shot will wear off.. if ever. i kinda hope it doesnt. lol
changes:
-still feeling the hair on my arms growing..which is weird but cool. had on shorts the other day and could feel that i also have new and longer leg hair. hard to notice cause im usually wearing jeans.
-im almost positive my urine odor has changed some. i dont have a problem with it, its just different. but i do generally remember to put the toilet seat down so i dont get yelled at for that anymore. :)
-little guys grown a little more since last i mentioned him. i dont like talking about him though so dont go hoping i mention him everytime i update this. lol
-ive been a bit distant. jack might say something about me spending lots of time in my "cave." and maybe that i need to hang out with my friends and get in some "guy time." distinct possibility. maybe i just need to go to a freakin meeting!!!! *sigh* (more on that later)
-still fighting off a mild breakout with the mint julip mask - but it works so im not worried.
thats pretty much it. oh the meeting stuff.. yeah.. i need to find a meeting that i really really like. so ill like..want to attend and pay attention and participate. ...*looks around*.. yeah. i need help.
ok.. i should be working... lates!
im in a really good mood right now.. can you tell?
*smile*
Ray
Tuesday, September 2, 2008
a.b.r. - another bad reaction
a little dazzed and confused today. lack of sleep. i had the hardest time getting there last night...to sleep. talked to the middle sister. im not quite an abomination but apparently if God wanted me to be a boy then i wouldve been a boy yadda yadda. and she also doesnt think im a boy. it must be nice to be on the outside. and it must be confusing as h*ll to be at a place where you cant just accept someone else's feelings and experiences as their truth - especially when its something pertaining to themselves and having zero to do directly with you. at least she'll "love me no matter what" but ill "always be [birthname]" to her. thats the nicest hurtful thing i think ill ever hear - and im sure ill hear it many many many more times over the next year..and hopefully fewer times each year after that. but shes right about something. no matter how much id like to not.. i do care what my family thinks. but i cant let that change what i feel i need to do for me. and what hurts the most now is that i dont want to see either of them. they dont get it and they wont get it for a long time - if ever. and i dont have to put myself in their "way" cause its my life and i get to decide now what i do and when, where i go, and when i leave - and in their presence is not a place i want to be. not while they feel like im wrong.
i got angry about it last night. i dont like angry. she cried. she cried like i had done something to her. like someone had done something to me.. and it only pissed me off. it pissed me off because if there was a single person who i felt wouldnt let me be who i was as a child it would have been her. and she says "whoever has made you feel like youre anything but perfect, F*CK THEM!" it took all the grown man in me to not say "well f*ck YOU then" and hang up the phone. see, that wouldve just been wrong and i didnt want to have to apologize to her for anything so i let her cry and rant and kindly removed myself from the conversation as quickly as possible after that. i dont have to react to her stuff today. she can have that all by herself. good luck with it.
so today im a bit bummed and i want to cry.. no i dont want to cry, but i feel like im going to. id really rather not. my mom loves me. she loves and accepts and understands and supports me. her, Tee, and the kid. if thats all i got of family from now on thats fine - its better than nothing. i swear, when i get my name changed if you cant get it right i dont know who youre talking to cause it aint me. yeah..im bitter. tryin to get it out so it goes away. muay thai tonight might help..ill let you know.
i want to take the little piece of family that gives a sh*t about what im feeling and just run away. i dont think my dad would ever tell me if it hurts or if he doesnt like it. thats good and bad i suppose. theres a part of me that still wants to be him when i "grow up." i think id ball up and die if he felt even a couple of the things my sisters do. i really really hope i get over that feeling before he says anything. this is why i cried so hard last night. im scared. hes the only one that hasnt said much either way and if hes not going to be ok with it then im just done. id have to find a completely new name.. last included.
because i hurt so bad i want to just go to my grandparents house. disclose my status in an annoucement. leave information (definitions etc) explaining what it all means and transition. tell them that in a few choice words that they dont have to call unless theyve got something good to say and leave. if i get a call about christmas cool, if i dont screw it. not in an attempt to hurt any of them of course.. but to protect myself. i dont owe anyone an explanation. and if someone doesnt want to take the available opportunity to educate themselves then so be it. nothing i can do about it.
i love the new hair on my arms and legs. i like the way i think i look different in the mirror. i like how comfortable ive been feeling lately.. just like a regular guy. i am who i am... everyone wont like it. these things happen...
Raymond
i got angry about it last night. i dont like angry. she cried. she cried like i had done something to her. like someone had done something to me.. and it only pissed me off. it pissed me off because if there was a single person who i felt wouldnt let me be who i was as a child it would have been her. and she says "whoever has made you feel like youre anything but perfect, F*CK THEM!" it took all the grown man in me to not say "well f*ck YOU then" and hang up the phone. see, that wouldve just been wrong and i didnt want to have to apologize to her for anything so i let her cry and rant and kindly removed myself from the conversation as quickly as possible after that. i dont have to react to her stuff today. she can have that all by herself. good luck with it.
so today im a bit bummed and i want to cry.. no i dont want to cry, but i feel like im going to. id really rather not. my mom loves me. she loves and accepts and understands and supports me. her, Tee, and the kid. if thats all i got of family from now on thats fine - its better than nothing. i swear, when i get my name changed if you cant get it right i dont know who youre talking to cause it aint me. yeah..im bitter. tryin to get it out so it goes away. muay thai tonight might help..ill let you know.
i want to take the little piece of family that gives a sh*t about what im feeling and just run away. i dont think my dad would ever tell me if it hurts or if he doesnt like it. thats good and bad i suppose. theres a part of me that still wants to be him when i "grow up." i think id ball up and die if he felt even a couple of the things my sisters do. i really really hope i get over that feeling before he says anything. this is why i cried so hard last night. im scared. hes the only one that hasnt said much either way and if hes not going to be ok with it then im just done. id have to find a completely new name.. last included.
because i hurt so bad i want to just go to my grandparents house. disclose my status in an annoucement. leave information (definitions etc) explaining what it all means and transition. tell them that in a few choice words that they dont have to call unless theyve got something good to say and leave. if i get a call about christmas cool, if i dont screw it. not in an attempt to hurt any of them of course.. but to protect myself. i dont owe anyone an explanation. and if someone doesnt want to take the available opportunity to educate themselves then so be it. nothing i can do about it.
i love the new hair on my arms and legs. i like the way i think i look different in the mirror. i like how comfortable ive been feeling lately.. just like a regular guy. i am who i am... everyone wont like it. these things happen...
Raymond
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