consultation and family

yesterday Tee and i drove an hour and a half to see a doctor for top surgery consultation. ...wow.
it was pretty cool. before seeing the doctor i couldnt let myself get excited about the appointment. after all, i have no idea when ill actually be able to get the procedure. but after having done the appointment. after speaking with the doctor, nurse, and billing lady.. after bringing home an estimate.. i finally feel like surgery might happen for me. like its not as far away as it felt even 3 days ago.

also yesterday there was an event at my grandparents house. lol.. i guess in the big scheme of things we're a bit southern (country if you will). we had a fish & flapjack party. love it? believe me.. its a tasty tasty thing. my grandma seasons like 15 or so lbs of fish for my granddad to fry and i mix and fry a few large mixing bowls of flapjack. sidebar : flapjacks are NOT pancakes: /sidebar so we eat fried croaker and sop flapjacks with agala syrup sometimes with a dalop of sour cream. deeeelicious. the food was GREAT of course. the family... kinda put a hole in my chest.
i dont think ive heard my birthname that many times in the course of 2 hours since i accepted myself as Raymond. i didnt cause a scene or anything, but i just got increasingly more uncomfortable and bit sad as the evening progressed. the best moments were when i could be included in conversation and activity without the use of my name - h-ll the pronouns werent even the killer. during the evening i had..a couple thoughts and i thought i would just share them with .. lol the world i guess. /shrug

reckless thought #1 - i should move far. far far away from here. where they wont have to deal with my transition. no adjustment period.. nothing in their world would have to change outside of a phone call every now and then. i wont have to deal with them, they wont have to deal with me.. and itll be like nothing ever happened.
- obviously not exactly the way to go when you care about your family so much. but i did consider it. i sat there and had that conscious thought.. to just.. run away. cowardly.. easy.. inevitably not the solution.

reckless thought #2 - i looked down in the den where my grandfather, father, and uncle were sitting and thought - i'll never get to be one of them. ill never fit snuggly on that left-over space on the couch in the den at my grandmother's house.
- i dont know this for certain. and i will especially never know if i follow through with reckless thought #1 or simply not try at all. only time will tell. but the thought broke a little piece of me yesterday... and thinking this in the car on the way home.. i almost cried. .. .lol almost.

yeah.. so.. there they go.. feelings and all. sigh..

oh! Happy New Year! lol...

Ray

much better... - shot #20

having left the blog in suspense of what the h-ll is going on.. im feeling much better today. dont have much time to write, but wanted to write something.

that rollercoaster called life never really stops moving.. just sometimes slows down a bit and anyone who wants to jump on/off can during this time. id hate to be the guy trying to jump off the d-mn thing at the bottom of a hill right before we go racing back up towards the sky...

shot number 20 this morning! went very well. i am very happy with the changes, probably even moreso with the ones that everyone cant see.

changes:
- steady (but slow of course) growth of hair on my legs and thighs. i personally really like the hair on my upper thighs near the pubic area. not sure why...
- i can see my side burns growing in. this is way cool - and from what ive noticed one of the things that helps people to notice that youre male - shape/size of side burns.
- fat-be-gone! lol.. laying on the bed naked yesterday Tee goes, "wow - you dont have very much fat left do you?"
[sidebar: yes, i was naked. this is an accomplishment for me cause i dont spend much time naked, especially not with the lights on, in clear and perfect view - which i was.. so.. kudos - for real *smile*]
- the crown.. the hair on my head is growing fast. faster than i ever remember and itches constantly.. lol.. no, i still havent washed my hair.. lol.. we'll get to that
- the kid.. the kid calls me Dad.. *big smile* ...nuff said.

Christmas. Christmas was GREAT... better than i expected. The Kid got a bunch of stuff she wanted.. including a Nintendo DS (this morning actually) - and really its just great that she had such a great holiday. i was super worried of course that we werent going to be able to make it special for her.. but we did. lol.. we're not bad parents! ...sweeeeet.

being around my family was still weird but on the gift my eldest sister got me she wrote "Ray iii". if i could, i may have cried. that meant more to me than i think she realizes.

like i said.. much better than a few days ago.

;)

Ray

whats wrong with me

i feel like if i could only figure out whats wrong with me i could somehow make it ok. i could somehow express that to you and make you want to help me get over it. truth is, i cant make you do anything. but not knowing so many things is driving me insane. not knowing how i feel about the things that are most important to you is driving you away. i dont know whats best for anybody. i will be here however i can. just.. tell me youll try to forgive me one day.. so i can forgive me too.

i never thought the two situations would mirror each other so perfectly. and despite what anyone says im more like her on the inside than anyone else will ever know.

cant fall apart, but i sure as h-ll want to...

feeling... ech!

i randomly remember why i tried so hard for so many years to not feel anything. its the times when what i feel doesnt match with whats going on in the "outside world" that remind me. and i feel dysfunctional when that happens.. like a kid thats just kinda along for the ride that the parents take you on when you cant make any of the decisions for yourself and you just do whatever it is they tell you to do. how can i possibly feel like this at this age.. at this time.. so quick to get blindsided by the disease especially when ive been successful at feeling good for a little while.

and it makes me want to not-feel all over again. but who in their right mind would give up everything good/bad/indifferent to be numb, broken, dull, and empty all over again.. certainly not i. doesnt mean the thought never crosses my mind. still an addict it does all the time.. its the choice i have today that allows me liberty to do something different. what a wonderful gift. i could easily turn into a curse if i learn to hate myself again.. careful... caaaareful..

tip-toe-ing. awfully close to the edge there kid.. you might wanna come back this way.. a little more toward the center..

why share? when i do things go bad.. when i dont things go bad.. think in longer strides.. but the feelings.. the d-mn feelings are no different and come and go as they please. apparently my job is simply to make it to the next.. feeling. sh-t at the rate im going i might get fired.

...

please.. pardon the random.
goodnight...

Raymond

a metaphor

you want to build a house. you search and search looking at all the different houses there are. looking in the hills, through the valleys, on top of mountains, on rocky cliffs near the ocean.. you look and one day riding through the very suburbs you grew up in - you find it. the model house. and you take a good look.. its been sitting here for a good fifteen years...holding up well through storms, occasional snow (even in atlanta), tornadoes, falling trees have missed it by inches, lightening may even have hit it once, but its still standing with no apparent problems on the outside. so you take it - its building plan - and you start to build your house just like your model. except one day someone tells you that your model house is scheduled to be torn down. that its coming down within the year. that it just isnt holding up the way it should and has to come down. that feeling right there? the mixture of disappointment, defeat, fear... all of it.. is how i feel.

ive been in the bed all day long - sleeping. under the weather really...being force-fed theraflu warming every four hours on the dot. im better some for it i think.. but i did realize on the last dose that the unusual/unwanted taste that made my skin crawl every dose.. that i couldnt quite put my finger on before.. is alcohol. not uncommon in cough/cold syrup.. just not my cup of tea - for various reasons...mainly "alcohol is a drug." im cool cause i was taking it as directed but ill suffer.. i dont want anymore of the stuff.

other than the feeling described in that first paragraph, ive been well. nervous at work, but thats starting to pass. its not my job anyway, its the job God gave me and if wants it back He will surely have it back. the same goes for everything else in my life.. i just gotta get over it.. lol.

i want to actually be able to go to work tomorrow.. so ill be getting back in bed soon...

craziness!

worked til 9pm last night.. came at 6am this morning.. just leaving work now.
im tired..

and for about a half hour today i coulda sworn id screwed up so bad id be fired... live and learn eh?
..i still have a job by the way. lol

need sleep. theyre doing interviews at work for a new IT person. its kinda funny cause i remember being on the other side of that. lol.. and its pretty cool cause the CFO of the company goes 'you guy's looking for a Ray Jr.?!' lol.. guess i did make an impression. ;) lol..and still am with the way im working. itll calm down a bit after monthend im sure.

now to go watch the kid in the holiday show at her elementary school.

this is what being a dad is all about eh?

Ray

going..just keep going

ive been on T for four months now. things are going Great. i feel great, i like the way i look, the way things are changing. i wonder where my appearance will end up - if im changing as much on the inside as i am on the outside - if ill ever feel comfortable talking to someone who doesnt get it...

went to the area meeting yesterday. it was fine.. loud and confrontational as normal. afterward i ran into a guy that met me when i looked very different, but a couple months ago i told him about transitioning. the same dude that invited me to sunday football at his house sometime. he asked how things were going with my family and how they were reacting. i told him that there were a few issues, but everyone is ok and they all love me anyway. thinking i could talk to him i mentioned coming out at work and it was like running into a brick wall at 85 miles an hour. he goes into how people at his job are gay or lesbian and they act however flaming or not at work and its ok, but that they dont have to necessarily come out. i tried to explain to him that its not the same thing. he seemed to be of the opinion of 'why cause yourself unnecessary stress at work coming out? youre messing with your livelihood.'
this conversation ended up throwing me into a bit of a funk. ive been fighting it but he kinda got to me. i dont want to risk my job and i dont want to make things hard on me at work, but i do want to be respected. yes - i want to use the mens restroom. yes - i want people to call me sir instead of ma'am, lady, miss, blah blah blah.. especially when i dont LOOK like a nice young lady!!! *sigh* he even brought up the whole "whats your legal name?" bit.. i knew he hit a button with that one. i didnt react or anything, but simply told him that no one at works calls me that and few people at work know that name. ...still..

ch-ch-ch..changes - lol:
- ive got hair growing in rather nicely on my upper thighs, like its spreading from my pubes.. its very straight and i love it. its the same kinda new hair ive got on my lower legs, long and straight.
-my voice dropped a touch again i think. ive been feeling it a lot the past day or so in my chest
-little ray has been extra sesitive lately and i think its cause hes grown enough to poke out a bit. so i get a little d-ck reminder (pun intended) every now and then throughout my day ..lol.
-my mustache is "sexy" ..or at least this is what i hear. its not full grown or nothin, but it is what it is. it did get to the point where i thought i should shave though.. so i got rid of him last night.. but he'll be back.. and with a vengence im sure.. lol
-Tee says my shoulders are broader.. wait.. my homeboy S said the same thing.. huh..must be true. h-ll if they get any broader ill pass for a f-ckin linebacker no problem! lol

when things are good theyre really really good. i like good. will get photos and a vid (youtube) up soon. might even post a couple photos from the amazing-day-long-date me and Tee had on saturday.. man oh man.. *big smile*

Ray

because sometimes its just fun to complain

i got to work this morning and i had to park in a regular parking spot. the gloriousness that is the IT Employee of the Month parking space is over.. le sigh. LOL.

ok.. so im feelin a bit silly, but this is what happens when youve repressed your inner 'little boy' for so long... or at least thats my story and im stickin to it! lol... ive pretty much gone and lost my mind. but its better than reading some crazy drawn-out post of me actually complaining about real-life crap eh? i like this Ray much better.. *wink*

the holidays turned out to be not as bad as they couldve been. not that they were completely drama-free.. not that the kid hasnt lost her mind with that little attitude she somehow continues to find despite my insistence that she lose it *snicker*.. not that Tee isnt under the weather or that we even have gas at the moment.. *smirk.. shrug* BUT.. im doin alright! (and dont worry..theyll be out thursday to turn it back on)

lets see.. no i havent done a video.. yes, i know i should. ive got a couple pimples on my chest that im not eccstatic about. im scheduled for a chest consult with a doc for the end of the month - which is pretty cool. uuh.. its december already.. thats CRAZY! im SO not looking forward to figuring out my taxes... lol. might have to invest in some good software for that.

speaking of software.. my homegirl B wants me to write some software to help out her business. can you say, sidejob?! and the kind im GOOD FOR! thats pretty cool too. oh! and gettin up there in the cool list.. B's all like.. if you just pay for a box of shells ill handle the rest and we can go shootin next weekend.. swizzy! granted she only made the offer last night.. id forgotten until just now.. oo oo Tee can i go? can i can i ?

ok.. yeah.. completely insane. and a bit scattered.. but not in that bad way.
really im sure its just a product of having so much stuff to do at work and not really being sure of how to prioritize since the work covers so many different areas. the thinking about so many different things all at once has carried over into my...blogging. not that i mind cause i still think my job rocks.. but.. ya know.

i do eagerly await blood work results from the doctor visit last week. wondering if my dose will change. wondering if that one piece of candy i made a mistake and ate that day will screw up the results too badly. no, i didnt tell them. i didnt want to reschedule and i didnt particularly want to fast another complete day through work. lol.. ya know.. maybe its the brownie bites that im eating right now too that have me all hyper...lol. didnt really think of that. lol.

ok.. i should be working. i just want people to know that im good. i really am. :)

Ray