happy thanksgiving folks...

ive got a ton to be grateful for. a year ago i was probably still fighting with a shady apartment complex about not having electricity and trying to get the money i paid them back... this year im renting a house near grant park (downtown atl) - its fully furnished, comfortable, and ive got my son back (Chill - the dog).. im the most comfortable ive ever felt in my life on any given day, and i havent found it necessary to use drugs or alcohol for well over 2 years.. haha.. yeah.. ive got quite a lot to be grateful for.

this doesnt make the feeling of impending doom surrounding seeing so much family in one room at one time tomorrow any better.. but hey.. at least ill be able to be present. and at least ill feel good knowing im me. i cant be too worried about how theyll feel. in theory they love me anyway. or at least thats the current general concensus. i just dont want there to be any kind of scene at Thanksgiving dinner ya know? who is to say there will or will not be.. all ive got to do is show up.. vanilla ice cream and case of water in hand.. and stick it out til after the secret-santa-name-drawing. lol....
then its off to my in-laws' house for the same feelings all over again.. except i feel like the people there dont have to love me anyway. i guess its good that Tee invited church family to join us.. that way i can be a little less awkward and therell be more people calling me Ray incase Tee's mom just-so-happens to forget who i am. no..she doesnt know.. as far as my knowledge goes. when she'll find out? /shrug. we shall see.
...geez i want my name changed...

4 day weekend! w00t!

Ray

busy busy busy...doctor...sigh...blah..gripe.. yah!!!

ive been extra crazy busy this past few days.. trying to figure out what the h-ll is going on with the work L was doing.. itll all fall into place.. i just hope it falls into place before monthend.

im scattered and i wish i kinda wish it was just blank. theres stuff there and i cant see what all of it is. i had something on my mind to write about and now its gone. lol.. guess thats what happens when you really get into work. at least i like my job still.

*sigh* i dont have to try to be [i suddenly remembered what i wanted to write...]

i went to the doctor yesterday. i discovered yesterday why it is that transguys dont like going to the doctor. before i went i had my ideas.. thinking that my personal anxiety may have been coming from my previous bout of insecurity surrounding having ambiguous genitalia. and though this is the case currently, this didnt seem to be at the heart of my discontent. in the shower, washing the feelings off i realized that the trip to the doctor was so much more than not wanting someone im not sleeping with to be looking around down there. it was kind of like a little girl sitting on my shoulder whispering evil nothings in my ear ..imposter.. reminding me ..fake.. of the stuff ..girl.. i dont even consciously think about anymore ..ma'am.. trying to throw me off balance ..young lady.. making me feel like my life.. my entire existence is just one huge game of dress-up. and that is not true.
this phenomenon.. i can only see getting worse with time.. not better. i mean...in the long run - ya know? as more and more of your life gets to be male-related and not trans-related at least for a long while its like.. BAM! once/year we strip you down and take you back to your first puberty..the wrong one.. all over again.. but when you leave the office, youre supposed to magically feel better? like it never happened? wait.. no. .. or h-ll, maybe. and what do you do when you CANT leave the clinic and go get a stiff one? cause i sure as h-ll caint (yes...c-a-i-n-t ...spelled for emphasis of how country i get when im feelin what im talkin about..lol)

*sigh*... yeah. heavy. i should go home.. my girl doesnt feel good..

wait... uuh.. changes.. ok.. so ive done 15 shots.. (...sweeeet):
-ive pumped say...once/week or so and i dont know if its just normal growth process or the pumping (probably just normal growth) but ive gained a little length and actually a touch of girth. no - i dont measure.. sorry guys.
-ive got hair on me tummy!!! (spoken in stewie griffin style from that one episode when he's playin the banjo? .. lol calluses on his fingers? no? no? ..yeah im a little sick... *shrug*)
-i get cramps in my muscles all the time.. i really should be drinking more water
-when i got blood word done yesterday i noticed that my blood was totally a different color than im used to.. much darker. Jac said it was probably cause of red blood cell count..makes sense.
-voice.. my voice rocks! ill youtube it soon for ya.. i know i know.. im really bad about that... itll get SO much better when i get internet at my house.. i swear ;)
-the hair on my head.. i swear its growing faster.. Tee! Is it? or is it just me?
-i hear ive got hair on my back.. i have no idea what it looks like though cause its my back.. but i dont think its like a ton or anything.. but.. we'll have to ask Tee that too...

randomness...
a guy at work saw my badge and goes - whoa thats an old picture.. LOL.. ive only been here for 4 months! im not sure if thats a good thing or a bad thing.. *thinks about it* ...huh... lol

ok i really should leave. ok gotta potty first.. but right after that im on my way home.. and thats final!!!

xo

ive crossed over from complex to silly.. all while writing this blog.. a good place to be on the way home to a sick spouse eh?

;)

Ray

...dude... ...work

i wish i could shake the look in his eyes from my mind. if he hadnt been crying already he was surely about to. my guy at work got fired yesterday and im takin it way harder than i expected. ill be responsible for about a third of the work he used to do.. maybe less. but thats not the half of why it sucks. no more lunches and random conversations / venting sessions together leaning on nearby desks - sharing music and websites.. he was after all, the only one id even considered coming out to at work. now theres only hr. not that the other folks here in IT are all that bad.. and i really dont think itll be a problem but.. ill still wish L were here.
its kinda awkward giving a d-mn about someone from work. but he was the supersmart quirky one that reminded me of ubby from college. maybe that explains it...

its Transgender Day of Remembrance today. we will be at the capital building tonight, in the cold, remembering...

"with every testimony comes a test" ...kinda makes you wonder how youre doin in both departments. ...just.. 'yes'

emotionally a little strained.. and it appears to be leaking inside out. i need a book - somewhere thats not work to escape to for just a little while. cause work is sad right now.. and i dont like sad. lol not that He cares whether i like it or not.. im just supposed to feel it and keep it pushin...

i guess you could call this scattered.. or maybe just hungry...

lunch.

Ray

the sermon, the circumstance

sunday was absolutely amazing. or at least it felt that way. the whole service/program was wonderful. things didnt go exactly according to plan, but i dont think anyone hardly noticed. i cant say from my own perspective how i did while preaching, but from the response i got.. i did pretty awesome. i got a compliment on my teaching ability as well as the comment "i didnt know you had it in you" from someone i expected to receive no comment at all. my sister, her husband and son, my mother and her wife, my father and his sister.. all showed up in support of me. amazingness. also a friend of my wife and a couple of my own friends showed, along with my sponsor - sitting on the first row just as s/he said s/he would. it felt really good to be up there. AND after the candle-lighting portion of the program i almost cried. and it didnt bother me.. h-ll i havent cried in over 3 months. ok.. so the tear didnt actually fall from my eye, but thats the closest ive gotten in a while.
theres a video of the homily, taken with our digital camera. its about 15 minutes long though, so ill have to cut it up if i want to post any of it - which im still debating about. i havent even watched it. i dont really think i want to yet.. im sure i will at some point though. for those wondering the title was One, In The Body. my Pastor afterward talked about how proud he was of me.. and about how badly he wanted the manuscript. he's Pastor..he can have a copy. *big smile*
i think it drove home the idea to my family about my trans-identity - which ROCKS... and my sister even talked to me about the message i delivered later.. well.. we texted. but it was good. i like talking to my big sister. ...and i just know the eldest sister wouldve been there too had she been in town. Tee was BEAMING the entire time.. and the response from the people was just great. my mom told me that im going to be a main speaker one day (at an NA convention).. come to think of it, her wife told me the same thing. and of course she almost cried afterwards she was so proud. she still has problems getting my name right.. she'll get it.. im not too worried.
i saw my nephew. that made me feel good. we really do look a lot alike.. i do wonder how that is changing though now that im looking more male. i think he knows i look different, but he treated me the same he always does. hes always been shy around me.. i dont see him nearly as often as i should. but i love his little self soo much. i mean this is the kid that my sister would look at and randomly call me and say 'he really could pass for your child - he looks more like you than me' ..lol.

ok so have you ever heard of saladmaster? its a glorious and wonderful thing. you know how theres always this one thing that your girl wants but you never think youre going to be able to get it for her? well i got it. and it might sound like a partially selfish gift cause straight up its a dope-a-s set of pot/pans.. but its not just an ordinary $400 set.. its like the superduper set-of-all-sets. the ultimate anniversay/christmas gift.. and it will (in the end) cost me about as much too.. lol. an investment in the health of my family.. or at least what ill tell myself when it gets here. h-ll i eat whatever she cooks me.. but itll be way cool for it to taste even BETTER than it already does on the good cookware. *big smile*.. im such a woos (sp?) lol..

Ray

photos...progress

i just assume people can tune into the youtube account ive got going, but even that might not do the trick... at this point i guess it might help to see a pre-T and 3 months T photo.

...rofl.. ok.. i cant FIND a pre-T photo of me on my computer. funny that... anyway.. here's the 3 months on T photo. you can search for the pre-T vid on youtube if you search for raydubiii.. that's me. :)

that guy's kinda cute huh?

i think you can actually see my mustache in that one.. nice. cant reallly see the chin hairs, but theyre extra small so.. *shrug*



ok.. one more photo..

lol.. ok.. i know im a little vain.. but for the first time in my life its honest vanity. not that that makes it any better, but i actually like the way that i look. its kinda amazing. everyday (or week really) as I change I start to get more comfortable with what I see.. I LOVE that.

anyway.. this is my favorite picture of myself.. lol.. that boy is fine! lol.



ok.. enough of that. im at a coffee shop trying to relax a bit before im shut in the house for the night.. lol. i DO have a sermon to finish preparing....

the disconnect

i received a message today asking me if i was going to the protest tomorrow. ...it took me a minute. i then realized that there must be a prop 8 protest this weekend. wait, is there one in atlanta? ...*doh* .. THIS made me realize that i am totally disconnected from the lgb community. in college it was easy to be involved.. and with all of my friends being so activisty (for lack of an actual word) it just kinda happened to me. now that im out here in atlanta, away from my politically-aware core group of friends from undergrad, i generally have no idea what the h-ll is going on. ..and im not exactly proud of that.

of course there is the apparent divide that i hear about often - between the g.l.b. and the t. but my MOMs a lesbian for Chr-st's sake! *sigh* i guess im just a little disappointed in myself.

the weekend begins now. a sleu of people that i know will be at the church on Sunday.. how exciting and scary... the post i put up on the atlanta yahoo group?

"Nov. 16th @ 11am - The Shepherd's Table Covenant Church is having a special service in preparation for Transgender Day of Remembrance on Thursday Nov 20. Your friend and brother, Raymond Walker III, will be delivering The Word on this day. Please come out and support him and the new ministry. 139 Ralph McGill Blvd, Atlanta, GA. visit www.theshepherdstablechurch. org or email info@theshepherdstablechurch. org for additional information.

Please feel free to bring photos of those persons you want to honor and remember. Light refreshments will be served immediately following our worship encounter."

i think Tee is going to tape it.. maybe ill post a clip or youtube.. if i have the guts.. lol.

oh! shot #14 today.. the smoothest a shot in my left leg has EVER gone. good shit. feelin energized today too.. despite the long night (repo'n and such.. lol). ill probably sleep like a baby tonight.. lol. ill do changes updates next time...


Ray

raw

i love, i live, i want to cry
can feel it in my chest..it never makes it to my eyes
insecure, overwhelmed, randomly calmed inside
where does the expression go when your tear ducts feel dry?

shot #13

youll be pleased to hear that i did not stab myself in the leg with a blunt or otherwise insufficient injecting instrument...read: my shot went well this morning. i think i bled more than i was expecting, but that didnt take very long to get under control. and now that i think of it, this may be due to the simple fact of my blood being thicker or just greater in quantity. ill mention it to a doc when i go.. hopefully very soon.

im well. one sister called yesterday and the other messaged today. *smile* contact is good.

hrm.. got a call that Tee was relieved of her job today...oh how bittersweet. i like that she doesnt have to answer to the...[if you cant say anything nice..] her old boss anymore.. but worried about this "her not having a job" thing. oh the internal conflict... i loathe this feeling. doesnt go well with the high blood pressure feeling i also have. i gotta start back working out...supposed to go to muay thai tomorrow. its been like a month.. and now isnt exactly the time to be spending the gas money on the trips.. but i probably need it... again with the conflict. where's my bible when i need it?!

still at work.. trying to "make up" for being a bum all week - getting in almost late and still leaving in enough time to get the kid from after-school before the surcharge. no, its not hectic like this all the time... ... ... wait... *hrm*

on edge...

...might have a few moments alone when i get home... will try to do photos and a vlog. then the challenge of getting the sh-t online. haha.. ill get to it i swear...

must relax. clown'll eat me. [sorry - poor Simpson's reference...]

lates

yo..forgot to mention.. happy 3 months on T to me! woohoo! *blush*

-Ray

a note turned blog material...

i was writing my dude E a note on The Men's Room and i found myself thinking...why am i not blogging this.. lol.. here goes...

i find myself thinking though about just marching into my manager's office, asking him to talk, closing the door, and just letting it rip. the debate really is whether to do that to him, or to the lady in HR. ive really begun to believe that it wont be such a huge deal especially since ive been pretty masculine from the jump (binding and packing since my interview - no matter how "unnoticeable") ... *sigh* /shrug...
theres a part of me waiting on the $160 or so that it will take to change my name. just so whatever they say to me wont delay me any longer.. h-ll ive been on t for 3 months already...

im going insane a little bit in my head.. but its nothing like what it used to feel like...its a quiet place where thoughts just run and collide into each other.. bouncing around kinda like jello. no explosions, no one gets hurt, my feelings stay in tact.. the only noticeable issue is that its harder for me to concentrate on one thing at a time. oh but back in the day it was like h-ll on earth and i wanted to hurt myself constantly. i did get extra irritable yesterday evening, but thats because way too much was going on in and around my head. like a tiny war over whether my spirit was going to smile or cry - arguing loudly but i couldnt understand any of the words... dont ask.. its complicated. ..and im still trying to figure all of that out myself.

still hadnt made that 12 week video and tomorrow is week 13. havent been alone though really, and i could never get a vid done with the kid around - would never even try. thought about making her the camera-woman but i would probably draw a blank on what to say.. not that i come up with these oh-so-profound things to say anyway... lol.

blah.. i feel blah. ...tired. but ok. i do it for my family. i do it cause my mom did it for me. maybe not necessarily legally..but she did it so i could be comfortable. i just want my family to be comfortable. ya feel me? a nap later will help.

there these moments in time and space where it feels like - looks like - the roof is going to cave in and everyone will either be crushed inside.. or will run screaming in different directions never to find each other again. and just when i think its going to implode.. she up and says something to calm the atmosphere all over again. *smile* ..and she says im saving her... *psh* ;)

Raymond

my president is a black dude...

thats crazy! i LOVE it! and for so many reasons. but i still have so many questions at the same time. i wonder if racist people will be made more angry or lighten up a bit - probably a bit of both. i wonder if lazy black men will stop with the obvious and easy excuse. i wonder if black-on-black crime will ease up a bit simply out of solidarity. i wonder if young african american women will begin to dream again of being the first female president. i wonder if all the people who finally decided to vote in this election will keep up the trend and vote again - will pay more attention to politics - will start to care about how they relate to and are seen in the world... but i wonder a lot of things...

ive got to get to my grandfathers house. im sure he will be quite amused, if not just sitting around in tears. his grandfather was a slave - dare i say his father was too (sadly im not sure). but that in and of itself is amazing to fathom. it only took what...5 generations (in MY family at least) to go from slave to President.. the United States President a black man... lol.. yes i DO realize he is mixed. but lets be for real.. no one is going to look at a picture of him and say - well..he's half white. theyll see the photo and see black man. even if they dont he came out of interracial breeding so really...its a win/win. as far as that in concerned anyway.

i think im still in shock...

i wonder if the experience of the newly transitioning black transman will be different from the guys in the past...if the world will change enough in the next few years where the profiling wont be as bad as ive heard some of the guys say it can be. random thought. dont get me fooled, i dont think everything is just going to change overnight..but clearly some things have changed already. its just hard to tell how much from this moderate little city in the middle of a RED state. lol.

im so silly.. i just like to hear them say it...President Barack Obama. ...sweeeeet.

where was i when the election was called for President Obama? in bed very asleep. received an anonymous phone call waking me up.. turned the tv on.. listened to McCain concede.. went to an NA meeting... lol.. "for the first time in man's entire history.." i couldnt resist *under my breathe* "a black man is President..*ahem*.. a simple way has been proving itself in the lives of many addicts..." lol

Raymond III

in preparation

constantly in preparation of the next greater thing..this is what "living life" is made of...

theres a lot to carry cause my life is so full today. i feel really really good. very..close to the Spirit. preparing to preach my first public sermon nov 16. nervous, excited.. in constant prayer.

received an email that was sent out to all of IT and the VP to which our department reports, just a few moments ago. im employee of the month for October...sweet.

i have now been on testosterone for 12 weeks, as i took shot #12 friday morning. i was apparently moving too fast for myself and tried to use the needles backwards (draw-up with 23-gauge, inject with 18-gauge).. its funny today...not-so-much at the time. waste of a needle, kinda bloody situation.. i should definitely get moving around really good in the morning before my shot. *looks around nervously*

changes:
-i love my voice. check the vids on youtube (user: raydubiii). it keeps changing and can sound rather high if i get excited or in-a-rush, but i dont mind cause when im just chill its deep
-apparently my face is shaped differently..i wouldntve notice..but my guy Evan said something about it (thanks dude).
-my chest hair is now totally brown and coming in surprisingly even
-noticed a few chin hairs; my soul patch hasnt grown any..just sits there at the "sprouting" stage
-my mustache comes in really slowly, but very evenly - due to work i wont let it come all the way in, but because it is even..it hurts my feelings more to shave it off...
-my libido is way totally manageable.. watch the doc like up the dose and i have to go through it all over again (i wouldnt complain..after a while Tee might..lol *wink*)
-my muscles are changing shape. i had a lot of muscle pre-T so i dont know if im gaining more, but i do notice that the shape is different.

there was an NA convention this weekend W.E.A.N.A. that i had the pleasure of attending. it was GREAT. i hardly had any qualms about correcting people either. and letting them know that they will get it in-time. being encouraging about it helps whoever it is im correcting - addicts can be very sensitive people..on the flip side they can also be very insensitive. there was one gentleman i even had to pretty much chomp-off. he got the point and fixed himself up...then he texted me and wanted to act brand new. i told him to respect me and not address me as a woman - to which he tripped out in his reply...i responded "glad to know where you stand. please dont contact me again." silence. ...nice. i like people who can follow directions. ...i know that situation sounds a bit harsh..but his motives werent even in the right place. i try to give addicts the benefit of the doubt generally because "some are sicker than others" but he wasnt asking me for my help.

gotta take some photos before friday and do a vid i suppose. people are subscribing and thats really cool. kinda wish i had something to talk about with them though.. i dont think im that exciting of a guy...but im not hard to look at. ;)

Ray