how many more?

letter or no letter, time does not stand still. my current hormones dont just stop doing what they do because ive got a piece of paper that says that they should go away - soon to be replaced with new/correct ones. so im going through it again and my head just wont stop grabbing at me and throwing me around. my girl is out of town and im having arguments with her in my head about rediculous nothingness that we probably would be arguing about if she were here. i fill in the blanks where she would respond with hurtful irrational banter that she probably wouldnt say because for the most part she gets it. she understands that this happens to me.. that i cycle - like any and every biological woman in the world.. and i hate it. it hurts. the pains all on the inside but that doesnt make it any less real.

and a guy in chat says to me.. soon it will be just a memory. and i know that. and as rational as i generally am, i tell myself that too.. but my head and my body are winning.. and my spirit is losing and itll get better..and worse..and better. and if she were here shed attempt to comfort me too by reminding me that this is 'one of the last' ... and i really wish that made me feel better about it. give me about five days and i will be able to agree and maybe even mention something about how it 'could have been worse' but right now? im not there yet. so after resorting to a couple old tricks of trying to busy the mind until i can fall asleep easily and exhausted...and that failing..i blog. it helps a little.

thanks for reading.

Raymond