its not that ive been doing particularly bad cause i havent..but ive been pretty moody as of late. and i hate being this way because i dont like that i cant be consistent.. or at least feel consistently. still way excited about starting my T shot in about a week, but even that doesnt "brighten" my day. grr arg.
so i find myself sitting around right now watching youtube videos about transition and related stuffs and playing spider solitaire. there are definitely more productive things that i could be doing. i have step work that i really dont need to be sitting on and research i can be doing for my ministry leadership meeting this weekend. *sigh* yet i sit..and i click.. and i watch and/or listen my night away. partially because if i get in bed i wont fall to sleep straight away and partially because im feeling pretty...down. hrm.. i wish i had a more.. entertaining word to use than "down" but sadly thats all im able to come up with. thats kinda sad.
yeah. i chatted with a guy friend of mine for a sec earlier today and when i told him i was down he immediately asked about when im supposed to start hrt. good question. made me feel like he gets it. hes a couple thousand miles away and he gets that my moods all screwy sometimes and some of those times (probably most) there really isnt much of anything to do about it but ride it out. like any and all feelings, itll pass of course.. but im kinda counting on not being so freakin moody after i start T. waitin on it.
Raymond
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
Wednesday, July 23, 2008
its my birthday!
its totally my birthday and it just wouldnt be right for me to not write something....
it started out kinda rough, but i got through it. i found my girlfriend consoling me when i got a card in the mail from my mom's wife talking about how great of a daughter i am, blah blah blah. shes all telling me that its the last time that ill get a card like that. i sure hope so. sadly, i still havent called to thank her for it... ill get to it when im done here... guess i had to vent about it for a sec first.
but its over. the day. and im 26 now. my girl calls me an old man. :) i love her.
anyway...she recorded my first vlog today. so ive gone and introduced myself to youtube. ill post that tomorrow and see where the road takes me after that. this is going to be one ell of a ride. and im going to try to love every minute of it.
goodnight.
Raymond
it started out kinda rough, but i got through it. i found my girlfriend consoling me when i got a card in the mail from my mom's wife talking about how great of a daughter i am, blah blah blah. shes all telling me that its the last time that ill get a card like that. i sure hope so. sadly, i still havent called to thank her for it... ill get to it when im done here... guess i had to vent about it for a sec first.
but its over. the day. and im 26 now. my girl calls me an old man. :) i love her.
anyway...she recorded my first vlog today. so ive gone and introduced myself to youtube. ill post that tomorrow and see where the road takes me after that. this is going to be one ell of a ride. and im going to try to love every minute of it.
goodnight.
Raymond
Tuesday, July 22, 2008
restrooms...well.. at work at least
this is probably going to be pretty short but im at work and i just wanted to vent for a sec.
i feel like a dirty old man everytime i go into the womens restroom. i know, i know.. why dont i just use the mens room. well, everyone is very well aware of my biological sex and the fact that my outward appearance pretty much reflects that kinda doesnt work well with using the mens room. the last time i was in the womens restroom i just stood there in the stall and waited until all the women bustling about and talking in there (which to this day confuses me) stopped and they all either left or chose a stall. it made me feel better about being in there..but made me feel like even more of a dirty old man that i already do!
sigh...i wanted to walk straight from the bathroom to HR, come out, and ask her about when she thought i could be allowed to use the mens room. ..of course expressing how uncomfortable i am using the womens room. im of course afraid that she wont understand blah blah blah but its a conversation that has to happen sometime. after all.. im trying to get my first shot next week!
i figure it this way..if i can make this migration im working on testing really smooth for the company then maybe the value of my work will outweigh the possible discomfort or turmoil or whatever it will cause for me to come out and keep it pushin.
once again...we shall see.
thanks for listening...reading. ;)
Raymond
i feel like a dirty old man everytime i go into the womens restroom. i know, i know.. why dont i just use the mens room. well, everyone is very well aware of my biological sex and the fact that my outward appearance pretty much reflects that kinda doesnt work well with using the mens room. the last time i was in the womens restroom i just stood there in the stall and waited until all the women bustling about and talking in there (which to this day confuses me) stopped and they all either left or chose a stall. it made me feel better about being in there..but made me feel like even more of a dirty old man that i already do!
sigh...i wanted to walk straight from the bathroom to HR, come out, and ask her about when she thought i could be allowed to use the mens room. ..of course expressing how uncomfortable i am using the womens room. im of course afraid that she wont understand blah blah blah but its a conversation that has to happen sometime. after all.. im trying to get my first shot next week!
i figure it this way..if i can make this migration im working on testing really smooth for the company then maybe the value of my work will outweigh the possible discomfort or turmoil or whatever it will cause for me to come out and keep it pushin.
once again...we shall see.
thanks for listening...reading. ;)
Raymond
Saturday, July 19, 2008
how many more?
letter or no letter, time does not stand still. my current hormones dont just stop doing what they do because ive got a piece of paper that says that they should go away - soon to be replaced with new/correct ones. so im going through it again and my head just wont stop grabbing at me and throwing me around. my girl is out of town and im having arguments with her in my head about rediculous nothingness that we probably would be arguing about if she were here. i fill in the blanks where she would respond with hurtful irrational banter that she probably wouldnt say because for the most part she gets it. she understands that this happens to me.. that i cycle - like any and every biological woman in the world.. and i hate it. it hurts. the pains all on the inside but that doesnt make it any less real.
and a guy in chat says to me.. soon it will be just a memory. and i know that. and as rational as i generally am, i tell myself that too.. but my head and my body are winning.. and my spirit is losing and itll get better..and worse..and better. and if she were here shed attempt to comfort me too by reminding me that this is 'one of the last' ... and i really wish that made me feel better about it. give me about five days and i will be able to agree and maybe even mention something about how it 'could have been worse' but right now? im not there yet. so after resorting to a couple old tricks of trying to busy the mind until i can fall asleep easily and exhausted...and that failing..i blog. it helps a little.
thanks for reading.
Raymond
and a guy in chat says to me.. soon it will be just a memory. and i know that. and as rational as i generally am, i tell myself that too.. but my head and my body are winning.. and my spirit is losing and itll get better..and worse..and better. and if she were here shed attempt to comfort me too by reminding me that this is 'one of the last' ... and i really wish that made me feel better about it. give me about five days and i will be able to agree and maybe even mention something about how it 'could have been worse' but right now? im not there yet. so after resorting to a couple old tricks of trying to busy the mind until i can fall asleep easily and exhausted...and that failing..i blog. it helps a little.
thanks for reading.
Raymond
Thursday, July 17, 2008
amazingness.. and a little luck
im doing very well thank you for asking. the past few days have been pretty wonderful and downright inspiring.
monday 7/14 i saw Jack. we talked and pretty much kicked it for the hour and at the end he asked me if i was pretty anxious to get hormones started. of course!!! so we go over letter writing. he actually gives us guys the option to write our own T letters which he then revises. this is awesome cause i get the opportunity to express my feelings a bit and save myself the letter-writing fee. ;) he also explains how he likes to meet with the person who will be most affected by the hormone therapy (my s/o) to go over any concerns and make sure they understand everything that is going on. i was on cloud 9 when i left his office that day.
wednesday 7/16 - i got to sit down at a table of three others mapping out and discussing plans to birth a ministry. the synergy in the room was absolutely amazing. just last week i did a one-day spiritual fast in order to gain insight on where i am supposed to be moving as far as my spiritual life is concerned. bingo. we shall certainly see. i might be planning a trip to San Francisco soon. the journey is never really over.
thursday 7/17 - ...today. this morning my girl (T) and i went to see Jack. the appointment was pretty amazing. she left the office talking about how great of a therapist ive found and how i should recommend him to other guys online. i told her that i actually got his name from one of the groups online. she insisted that i write and tell people that i did go see him and to mention how wonderful he is. i have to admit.. my talkdoc is a pretty great guy. and that appointment with all of us in there was nothing short of amazing. it was great to hear her verbalizing her love and support and to hear from Jack how great of a girl she is. i mean.. i already knew she was amazing but.. every time something new happens i just feel it all over again. im waaaay lucky. after we talk for longer than we had anticipated he signs my letter for hormone therapy.
relief - anticipation - happiness --- flow through me. im going to be able to be seen as a man. that is a wonderful thought and im sure it will be a wonderful feeling.
lol before i get T dropped off at work i get pulled over for speeding. yeah..we were running late and i was definitely speeding. i was excited and feeling really good about.. everything. 52 in a 35. the cop gets my license. i sit calmly, quietly.. upset at myself on the inside. the cop comes back 'im going to cut you a break - i reduced your speed to 48 in the 35 and am giving you a written warning' ... absolutely amazing. and in a county that doesnt hold back. im in awe.. and drive out of the county UNDER the speed limit. ...a guy i know has the same story after being told he'd get to start hrt soon... im sure he's laughin hard RIGHT now. lol
i feel... amazing.
Raymond
monday 7/14 i saw Jack. we talked and pretty much kicked it for the hour and at the end he asked me if i was pretty anxious to get hormones started. of course!!! so we go over letter writing. he actually gives us guys the option to write our own T letters which he then revises. this is awesome cause i get the opportunity to express my feelings a bit and save myself the letter-writing fee. ;) he also explains how he likes to meet with the person who will be most affected by the hormone therapy (my s/o) to go over any concerns and make sure they understand everything that is going on. i was on cloud 9 when i left his office that day.
wednesday 7/16 - i got to sit down at a table of three others mapping out and discussing plans to birth a ministry. the synergy in the room was absolutely amazing. just last week i did a one-day spiritual fast in order to gain insight on where i am supposed to be moving as far as my spiritual life is concerned. bingo. we shall certainly see. i might be planning a trip to San Francisco soon. the journey is never really over.
thursday 7/17 - ...today. this morning my girl (T) and i went to see Jack. the appointment was pretty amazing. she left the office talking about how great of a therapist ive found and how i should recommend him to other guys online. i told her that i actually got his name from one of the groups online. she insisted that i write and tell people that i did go see him and to mention how wonderful he is. i have to admit.. my talkdoc is a pretty great guy. and that appointment with all of us in there was nothing short of amazing. it was great to hear her verbalizing her love and support and to hear from Jack how great of a girl she is. i mean.. i already knew she was amazing but.. every time something new happens i just feel it all over again. im waaaay lucky. after we talk for longer than we had anticipated he signs my letter for hormone therapy.
relief - anticipation - happiness --- flow through me. im going to be able to be seen as a man. that is a wonderful thought and im sure it will be a wonderful feeling.
lol before i get T dropped off at work i get pulled over for speeding. yeah..we were running late and i was definitely speeding. i was excited and feeling really good about.. everything. 52 in a 35. the cop gets my license. i sit calmly, quietly.. upset at myself on the inside. the cop comes back 'im going to cut you a break - i reduced your speed to 48 in the 35 and am giving you a written warning' ... absolutely amazing. and in a county that doesnt hold back. im in awe.. and drive out of the county UNDER the speed limit. ...a guy i know has the same story after being told he'd get to start hrt soon... im sure he's laughin hard RIGHT now. lol
i feel... amazing.
Raymond
Thursday, July 10, 2008
its been a minute
ive started my new job and i love it. im a HUGE dork and i know it..but i work with about 20 other HUGE dorks, so its ok. ive completed my first work order and accompanying paperwork as of today.. so that's really cool.
not a whole lot more than that going on. ive been busy lately and making a lot of meetings - which is good cause it helps. im trying not to obsess too much over stuff. been reading Testosterone Files which is a GREAT read and makes me feel not-so-insane. it does however get me anxious about starting T and the accompanying changes. and then theres the whole coming out at work thing. i got some great advice about that recently though. to not worry about it too much, and let the flesh take care of itself. here here! we shall see how well i can do that. and i will be SURE to let you know how that all works out.
i am half tempted to just set up a meeting with my manager..lay it all out there and ask him if its all ok or if i should start looking for a new job now.. so when the changes start to occur in a few months i can be ready. lol. i am advised against this at all cost.. i know. well.. its where my head is though, ya know? i just dont want to ruin a good thing before its even gotten a chance to get really good. its the IT world though.. the people around here are pretty low-key conservative..acting at least, and just kind cool guys. i really dont think itll be a big issue in-office. i just... and overanalyzing and should stop..i know.
anyway.. there will be a meeting concerning ministry stuff soon. and this is another reason im so excited about T.. i KNOW that i will be able to move into my "place" in ministry when i start to feel even BETTER on the inside... and when i gain my voice. thats a big issue for me - the way that i sound to others.. its completely different from the way i think i sound which is also different from the way i think i should sound. this alone is a reason to push forward with hormones and just let the chips fall where they may with coming out at work and wherever else ive forgotten to come out at. and as soon as i look male enough... haha..whatever that is.. ill change my name. and be halfway to a different kind of freedom. i love it.
excited about the changes
Ray
not a whole lot more than that going on. ive been busy lately and making a lot of meetings - which is good cause it helps. im trying not to obsess too much over stuff. been reading Testosterone Files which is a GREAT read and makes me feel not-so-insane. it does however get me anxious about starting T and the accompanying changes. and then theres the whole coming out at work thing. i got some great advice about that recently though. to not worry about it too much, and let the flesh take care of itself. here here! we shall see how well i can do that. and i will be SURE to let you know how that all works out.
i am half tempted to just set up a meeting with my manager..lay it all out there and ask him if its all ok or if i should start looking for a new job now.. so when the changes start to occur in a few months i can be ready. lol. i am advised against this at all cost.. i know. well.. its where my head is though, ya know? i just dont want to ruin a good thing before its even gotten a chance to get really good. its the IT world though.. the people around here are pretty low-key conservative..acting at least, and just kind cool guys. i really dont think itll be a big issue in-office. i just... and overanalyzing and should stop..i know.
anyway.. there will be a meeting concerning ministry stuff soon. and this is another reason im so excited about T.. i KNOW that i will be able to move into my "place" in ministry when i start to feel even BETTER on the inside... and when i gain my voice. thats a big issue for me - the way that i sound to others.. its completely different from the way i think i sound which is also different from the way i think i should sound. this alone is a reason to push forward with hormones and just let the chips fall where they may with coming out at work and wherever else ive forgotten to come out at. and as soon as i look male enough... haha..whatever that is.. ill change my name. and be halfway to a different kind of freedom. i love it.
excited about the changes
Ray
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