one of the worst things known to any pre-t transman...pms. no, im not on t yet. yes, i still have a cycle. the flooding of female hormones is the absolute WORST feeling on the face of the planet. ..haha..granted im a bit emotional about it at the moment. it sucks BIG time.
why does it suck so bad? why do i type and moan about it?
it brings me back to square one every 23 days of my life. its depressing.. literally. i used to be majorly depressed in college, so im quite aware of what that feels like. im extra jumpy (we'll call that anxiety) and i cant keep a positive thought in my head. i feel like everything that im doing and everything that i do is WRONG. im sensitive, short-tempered, impatient and quick to tear and yes its because im a man.. but only because I have the WRONG kind of hormones flooding my entire being and screwing everything all up. my insides are telling me that im not a man, that im confused and wrong, that i should just stop trying, that ill only hurt myself and the ones i love, that im stupid and worthless, that i'll never amount to any kind of "real man" anyway - and when i give in to these thoughts and try to imagine living the rest of my life as a woman, i feel like i want to die. ..which brings me back around to no, im a transman. GET OVER IT!... and sadly the cycle (no pun intended) begins again. it happens very fast and very often everyday from about 1 week before my cycle begins until the day of. and i fight with my girl and i act all weird and my entire world is thrown all around. and it sucks. it just ufcking sucks.
at least. at the very least.. one day it will all be over.. and i'll have the proper hormones coursing through my body - and ill never have to feel this uncontrollably screwed up ever again. *sigh* at least. now..all we have to do is make it the next couple months...a good two more times of this crap and we can move on with our lives.
see! THIS is why i dont want to delay hormone therapy. because isht like THIS happens and drives a wedge between me and my whole life and i just hate it.
ok.. feeling a little better now. its been the allotted hours.. i should take a naproxen now, lest the lower abdomen pain catch me off guard.
later.
Ray
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Having been trapped inside for so long, a little guy is finally being, finally becoming.. himself. A constant work in progress. With the body of a grown man a little boy that never got to be seen as one is finally getting loosed.
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