talking to family and such...

the question came up.. from anonymous3 (if you will) about whether i talk to my siblings and my dad. anonymous3 also mentioned how i put them on blast...
i debated some about whether i would talk about my sisters and their responses, but decided that i would - to explain my angst - to let people know that it happens - to show growth (we never know whats going to happen in time to come...) plus i figured..if anyone reading were to know who i was talking about then (if theyd ask) id probably tell them about what happened anyway.
the fact of the matter is, i didnt talk to the middle sister much in general anyway. every now and then we would talk, but not much more than that. we invite each other to special events and i actually like to see her when i do.. i admire her a lot. shes beautiful, shes smart, kind, funny, and straight-forward.. shes an amazing mother, a supportive wife...just a good person. when i see her at family stuff i sit across the room from her and smile because i like her so much. lol...this makes me a little sad cause she may never read this and i dont know if she knows how much i think of her...ive never had the guts to try to sit down and tell her.. and when i would say a little something..it never seemed to matter. it may have just been me...i hope it was. ...i digress... nothing has changed much there. i still dont call and she still doesnt either. just every now and then. i should probably try harder.
my eldest sister..we have talked. not a whole lot..but we didnt talk a ton before either. its almost like i still live on the other side of the country from all of them. really i also dont talk to my mom much either and shes like one of my biggest fans. its a habit ive got to get out of.. one ive been working on (on/off of course) for a couple years now - isolating. its not good for me, but i do it. my lack of meaningful relationships (including those with my family) is partly my own fault. i dont put in the work. im aware of it and its something i hope to be able to get over. the confidence i feel in being who i feel that i am helps. helps make me feel worth the relationship that i crave. helps make me feel worth the things that i want and that i see myself having. aha! ive found the source of my discontent.. i less willing to settle because i realize now that im worth it. its taken SO long to get to this conclusion..ive gotta not let that one go eh?
my father...if youve read the posts about my dad you know how i feel about him already. the man of few (if any) words. oh how i loathe to love him so much. because it hurts more to think that he wont be able to accept me and address me as a man. le sigh. i still talk to him. not regularly...but more often that i talk to anyone else in my family. at least a couple times a week. he calls me randomly with questions about computers/networks/streaming video lol. and i answer and try to help him - almost independent of whether i was busy or not. i get excited when the phone rings and its his number...but worried at the same time of what he will call me when i answer. i call him when i see someone sitting on the side of the road on an offramp with the police - to make sure its not him...

...empty, weary, anxious...

Raymond