i was supposed to start my cycle yesterday and it didnt come. pessimistically i waited for it all day yesterday and even for a little while today and... it didnt come. Sweeeeet. its like my frickin birthday or something!
i came out to my grandparents last night. i could see the distraught confusion on my grandmothers face as she chose her words carefully finding it in her little body to tell me that she loves me no matter what i am. that was the highlight. the rest was bittersweet. my grandma telling me point blank that she didnt think she could ever call me Raymond. her asking me "couldnt you just be a boy in a girls body?" my reply? "i could. but id be a very uncomfortable, unhappy, depressed boy in a girls body" she also asked me "why" ...so simply a question..but loaded with so much emphasis, so much intrigue. i asked her if she held a picture of herself in her head. she said she did.. i asked if hers looked like her. she said it did. i told her simply that mine didnt. told them that i was tired of feeling like a guy but being treated like a woman.
"how long have you felt this way?"
"since freshman year of college"
"why do something about it now? whyd you wait so long?"
"when i figured it out, i looked up stuff about it..thought about it and thought.. 'this cant be right.' and i used other things to keep me from thinking about it. i dont have things to keep me from thinking about it anymore. and i dont think its ever going to go away."
that's the best i could do.. i gave them all i could.. and i didnt cry - not that i could (not on T).
it went better than i thought it would.
i had to defend my name choice.. or at least thats what it felt like. halfway through my grandfather said he didnt have a problem with it..but he still debated that my nephew was Raymond III.. INCORRECT.. his last name isnt W*****...MINE is.. His father isnt Raymond Jr. MINE is. My mother wouldve named me Raymond III.. and that is the name I am taking.
im proud of myself.. because it was hard, and i was scared..and i didnt cry.. i didnt get upset. i answered the questions they asked.. i took their commentary with a grain of salt. they even asked all the questions i ever thought about my family.. what will my nephy call me? how will he see me? what will my cousins (who are old enough to know whats going on and have known me a while) think/say/do/act...? i didnt tell them then, but if they bring it up again i will.. i can no longer afford to be worried about other people as far as this matter is concerned. if they wont have me then i will not be forced upon them. i have my mother. one of my sisters is receptive. and i have a lot of guys that care about me .. that i should call more often.. to pick up any pieces my family is pulling off. im going to be fine. a-ok. no matter what.
*deep breath* two loads off eh?
shot 10 this morning. thats a nice round number.. i think i should be having cake or something.. lol. no - i just like birthday cake a lot.. lol. injected my T myself in my left leg. it went MUCH better than the last time i did it in my left leg. that was horrible..this was ok. a touch sore, but nothing a little rubbing wont get rid of im sure. im going to take more pictures probably tonight..before i shave. (i want my little beginning hairs to come in right. lol - plus i bought a wet/dry shaver with a gift certificate S bought me for my bday ;) good stuff.)
changes:
-my chest and stomach hair continue to get darker..and i guess a little longer.
-head hair has been itching like crazy..but i should probably just wash it.. im so lazy...
-my clothes fit poorly these days...i cant wait til i can buy some stuff.. soon enough..soon enough.
ok.. i should go home.
we're in our new house! we still have to clean the apartment from h-ll..but the house is going to be great. im still excited. ok.. lates...
hey...if i ever leave something out.. just ask me in the comment and ill post about it eh? i know i forget things sometimes.
sweeetttttt....
Ray
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2 comments:
Who is that anonymous person? WTF? You aren't an asshole, quite the opposite.
Ray, congrats on the move. It must feel good to have that out of the way.
Congrats on coming out to the grandparents! That's good stuff. It sounds like their reaction was at least okay. I'm having grandparent drama on my end. I posted about it on the forums and it is on my blog.
No more cycle? I am envious! I did some "forecasting" with mine. It is supposed to arrive on the day of my surgery. NOOOO!!!! I'm hoping T will mess up the schedule once I start...which should be soon. I'm having the pre-T freakouts. Well, catch you later.
Did you share your moving and ministry with your family personally? If you did why is dude so upset with you? Your 'release' is sooo important but it is important for there to be a balance. Dont disconnect with the people that love you. It will take time for you and those around you to gain some insight and understanding. Remember that what you emit will come back to you. If you emit a positive understanding loving spirit that is what you will ultimately get in return. Congrats on the lack there of of a cycle!
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