lots of things going on in my head lately.. very few of them make it out of my mouth. i spend a lot of my free mind-time thinking about sex.. or trying to not think about sex. of course it requires me to not be angry too.. cant think of sex while im angry. sad..but true. lol maybe thatll change too...
anyway.. im sitting around kickin it on the mens room (http://mensroom.ning.com) and i go to look at some photos. now..this is after i have that whole "dude.. im not alone" revelation.. its cool! but im over it.. so im lookin at some of the new photos that have been posted and im like.. dude.. some of these guys are extra hot. *pause* what?! theres nothing wrong with thinking that whyd you just freak on yourself?! i dunno.. thus the pause.
so i give this weirdness in my head some more thought and i come to realize.. i think i have a complex about being attracted to seemingly non-feminine guys. w..t..f..?! tell me this aint confusing.
i guess the deal is that i know that i like femininity. i like women. i like slightly feminine men. i like transwomen. i like slightly feminine transmen. but i found my mind wondering about a guy that did not come across at all as feminine in the photo.. and THAT my dear friends caused me pause. but how in the h*ll could i have that complex...insecurities about my own masculinity i suppose. i mean.. i generally believe that im simply attracted to whomever im attracted to.. so why on this beautiful earth would i be startled about a little old sex-fantasy-attraction to someone not feminine?! bah! puberty bites sometimes. im too grown to worry about this sh*t.. lol.
*sigh*.. just thought id share what i was going through.
one of the older guys did warn me about this one though...at least. *smile*
im going to a meeting tonight. im not as anxious as i usually am on a thursday night (thank God), but im still a little out there. wanting to smoke (cigarettes of course) .. and just not willing to buy the pack.. not today. pray God i continue on that road tomorrow. im tilting in that direction though.. and i know its not a good thing. the feelings though are way stronger than i couldve expected.. at least im clean though right? cause if i didnt have that.. id STILL be up sh*t creek..and drinking/drugging my way to jails/institutions/death. this is definitely the better way.. i just wish i had something to soften the blow..lighten the burden... it hurts a little. ya dig?
...Raymond
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I'm having weird "Who am I attracted to?" stuff too. A friend asked me about it the other day and I was like "I like girls...I think". Later on I was thinking about it and wondered if I can describe my sexual orientation in such a straightforward way. I really can't. I've actually fallen in love with guys and girls.
Man...I wonder if T will change things. I'm counting down the days until my shot. Again...I should probably just email you.
A
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