(w)hor-mones

one of the worst things known to any pre-t transman...pms. no, im not on t yet. yes, i still have a cycle. the flooding of female hormones is the absolute WORST feeling on the face of the planet. ..haha..granted im a bit emotional about it at the moment. it sucks BIG time.

why does it suck so bad? why do i type and moan about it?

it brings me back to square one every 23 days of my life. its depressing.. literally. i used to be majorly depressed in college, so im quite aware of what that feels like. im extra jumpy (we'll call that anxiety) and i cant keep a positive thought in my head. i feel like everything that im doing and everything that i do is WRONG. im sensitive, short-tempered, impatient and quick to tear and yes its because im a man.. but only because I have the WRONG kind of hormones flooding my entire being and screwing everything all up. my insides are telling me that im not a man, that im confused and wrong, that i should just stop trying, that ill only hurt myself and the ones i love, that im stupid and worthless, that i'll never amount to any kind of "real man" anyway - and when i give in to these thoughts and try to imagine living the rest of my life as a woman, i feel like i want to die. ..which brings me back around to no, im a transman. GET OVER IT!... and sadly the cycle (no pun intended) begins again. it happens very fast and very often everyday from about 1 week before my cycle begins until the day of. and i fight with my girl and i act all weird and my entire world is thrown all around. and it sucks. it just ufcking sucks.

at least. at the very least.. one day it will all be over.. and i'll have the proper hormones coursing through my body - and ill never have to feel this uncontrollably screwed up ever again. *sigh* at least. now..all we have to do is make it the next couple months...a good two more times of this crap and we can move on with our lives.

see! THIS is why i dont want to delay hormone therapy. because isht like THIS happens and drives a wedge between me and my whole life and i just hate it.

ok.. feeling a little better now. its been the allotted hours.. i should take a naproxen now, lest the lower abdomen pain catch me off guard.

later.

Ray

always something

im trying to get used to the fact that there will always be something for me to worry about. the hard part is to actually NOT worry.

new job starting in less than a week. im stoked STILL..very excited and ready to get to work. what am i worried about then? transition on the job. its possible, hell it has to happen..a lot. there are plenty of transfolks out there...i just wonder how many lose a job due to transitioning..and how i can keep from being one of them. i talked to Jack about it of course and he was thinking maybe i should wait six months to come out at work. since i wanted to start T next month i was thinking a little earlier. but its been decided to pretty much play this by ear and see what the company is like...and then make the call. wisely Jack said, if they dont seem at least glb friendly then they arent going to be transfriendly. true. like with all things we shall see.

talking to my s/o about it - she basically said that nothing should stop me from being me. and thats pretty much how i feel about it. i know she will support me whatever i decide. a lot of this though will be put on my faith. i got this job, right now for a reason.. and it will be good. i believe i will know what to do when faced with it, as we always do. of course then i'll have to DO that thing...when it comes...when it comes.

i may be about to embark on another opportunity of a lifetime concerning ministry. despite current loyalties to my church, things change. and sometimes when presented with an opportunity, youve got to take it. this may be the beginning of something wonderful. i know im being vague, but i dont know the extent of it yet but i will be sure to let you know when these things come to pass...as im sure i'll be very excited when they do.

this is whats goin on with me. very happy to be leaving the "temp" job ive had since january. and move on to something real. im just hoping to be there for longer than a little while. *smile*

ive GOT to write here more often.

Ray

job offer... woohoo!!!!!1

dude! *sigh* finally.
i got a call from a Vice President of IT yesterday morning extending me an offer of employment. it feels SO good to think that i will be starting a new job june 30th. SWEEEEEEET!
i dont know if i can convey the excitement in words. im not even sure if i KNOW the words. its AMAZING and the days cant go by fast enough! im just ready to be somewhere doing something useful instead of giving exams like i am now. its all very exciting and somewhat scary.
georgia doesnt have any particular discrimination policy set up for me being a transman and still identifying..differently on paper. and with hrt starting in the next month im a touch worried. but worrying has never gotten me anything but heart burn, so im trying to let that issue go - give it to God and not try to control it myself. i plan to ask people at work to call me Ray - starting from day 1. i signed the accepting email with my birthname R* W* (Ray)... i am confident, so we shall simply see. all i am responsible for is showing up to work and busting my brain to do the best job possible and i will do just that.

i talked to my temp company yesterday. i told my supervisor at work. i wrote my resignation letter today and will leave it for my supe to see on monday. im STOKED!!! i am driving up there to drop off my signed offer letter and pick up drug screening paperwork on monday. sweet, sweet stuff. and the offer is perfect. higher salary than i asked for; medical, dental, vision, flex spending plan starts of day of hire; 401(k) available on 1st of month following hire...that's the NEXT DAY. like i said.. STOKED!

ok.. enough gloating. back sooner than last time k?

Ray

the relationship front & more

its a strange place to be in..where i am right now. not exactly between a rock and a hard place or anything like that... between a cloud and a couch cushion is more like it.
T got up some nerve and talked to me, actually talked to me. told me about how she misses *birthname* and about how she never got to say goodbye. that stung quite a bit. but got me thinking.. i never really got to say goodbye either. we were one, me and her, for a good long while. these days im not sure how long.. i cant tell when it was that i realized that i was her. nor do i know exactly when it was that i became me again. it all just kinda happened. so here we are. and theres this ever-present uncertainty of whether my lesbian identified partner can/will stay with me after everyone including herself recognizes me as a man. there will come a fateful day when she will wake up and there wont be a cute, androgynous-looking person lying beside her, but someone that can only be taken for an -again- cute, young man.
she told me that she didnt know anymore if we were going to be together forever - and that she was ok with that. it took a while to get to that point of course..but she got there. and it took me a while to get to this point, but im ok with that now too. there were quite a few awkward days in between, but what do you expect?! and.. that doesnt exactly leave us anywhere while at the same time putting us right where we belong.
there comes a time in your life where you have to stop living for the what ifs and the i wishes and start living for the right heres and right nows. and this is what we've had to do. it was kinda forced on us a little, but we doin alright with it right now. and it works. if after transition is complete (whatever that looks/feels like) and we want to marry each other then so be it. right now ive got an amazing significant other (s/o) that loves and cares about me and stands beside and behind me with my transition. i couldnt ask for more, really. shes absolutely wonderful and i love her. (lol wonder if shes reading this...) AND ive got a daughter that loves me no matter WHAT i do. love is certainly an amazing thing. im glad to be a part of it.

not that That was extra heavy or anything, but on a lighter note..

a lady i met on the forum i frequent - and help moderate (there's a link to the left *shameless plug*) - is giving away all the boxing equipment she isnt going to use anymore and shes gonna give it all to me?! im SO excited. ive been wanting to get back into it, but it kind of an expensive hobby to pick up.. if youre going to have your own equipment and workout some at your house. so.. not too long after my birthday i will be the proud owner of 1 pair - 8oz professional gloves, 1 pair - 12 oz sparring gloves, 1 pair - 14 oz bag gloves, 1 - 150 lb weight bag w/ rack, 1 - speed bag w/ rack, 1 - double end bag w/ rack, as well as boxing books/videos/etc. Yeeeees! Exactly what I need. now i can just go do a couple rounds on the bag when im feelin.. iffy or upset. good stuff.

stoked!

Ray

magnificent monday

yesterday was simply amazing...i guess i should start from the morning.. itll make more sense that way.

:) - i had gotten a package notice in my mailbox on saturday with a pickup time of 9am. after dropping everyone off in their respective places monday morning it was still only 8am. i KNEW it was my new M1700 from t-kingdom. i called the post office and the guy said i could come now - i zip over the post office and *"aaah" clouds open/angels sing* it hath arrived. got breakfast at the mrs. winners next door and headed home to change clothes. aaaah...good binding. *big smile* now i can nap in peace.

:) - yesterday around 11:40am i saw Jack (my talkdoc) and we pretty much spent 2/3 of our time complaining about the economy and how hard it is to get a job as well as touching on how he's billing my insurance and whats gonna happen if they dont cover me. its a risk im ready to take cause this is something i need. then he asks what's up with me and i told him i wanted to talk about hormone therapy. he asked if i felt more ready and i answered yes. i even told him about the convo i had with my mom's wife - i had found it a bit rediculous that she wanted to "make sure this is something wanted for herself" blah blah. No, this ISNT something i thougth up to do Last Week.. Ive been running from it for the majority of my life and now Im facing it!
so Jack starts on about Standards of Care and how i need to be seeing him for at least 90 days before he can write me a letter. he pulls out my chart and his calendar and says.. ok so thatll be July 14. he then tells me that if i want to, i can go ahead and schedule an appointment for a work-up for any day after July14/15. SuWEEEEEEET! he gave me directions from his office to the clinic that a couple guys he sees uses and asked if i had time after my appointment - and i did. Im STOKED! i go to the clinic where they let me use my chosen name and make me an appointment for July 21, 2008... dude! 2 DAYS BEFORE MY BIRTHDAY?! Happy re/birthday to ME!!! they told me that i need to have had an annual (sigh) within 12 months so i made an appointment to have one (if i havent cause i couldnt remember) in a couple weeks. aww man.. good isht.

:) - last night i was feeling so good from the day having gone so well that i kinda struck up conversation with my daughter - she's eight. i reminded her of the conversation we had had with her about how i was going to change and how people are going to see me as a man. i told her that we should start thinking of something new for her to call me, instead of Mom. (I was Mom and T was Mommy.)
when id asked T about what the kid would call me she had talked about how she didnt want the kid to call me Dad. i didnt particularly like that - but her opinion was because she thought it would be disrespectful of the kid's father. i disagree. i am her male figure, i help take care of and raise her. the appropriate term for that, is Dad.. PERIOD. however.. T has her feelings so.. we deal. my conclusion to that conversation was - lets see what the kid comes up with.
so i asked the kid what she wanted to call me and she said, "how about Dad? *smile*" i of course couldnt hide the smile on my face, but i asked her if she was sure. she nodded emphatically and said that she liked it. i told her we'd have to ask Mommy tomorrow. then i put her to bed, read a story, and hung out with her for a good half hour before pleading with her to lay down and go to sleep. she was way hyper last night for some reason.

*whew* it was a big day.
good stuff.

that was kind of a lot. there's more to talk about but.. id hate to ruin such a happy post with anything more drab.. so.. i'll talk about the other stuff next time. HAD to get THIS stuff out to the world though..ya know?

back soon. you too i hope.

Ray