not that there isnt anything to write about cause theres plenty.. i just dont know what to say about it - any of it.
my cousin texted me. shes probably pretty pissed with me and rightfully so. shes been trying to get up with me for like lunch or dinner or whatever for almost 2 years and i have yet to make time for her. lol..kinda proves that guys point about me being an -sshole eh? lol no, not really. i used to drink heavily every time me and her hung out - that was my initial reason for not rushing to get together with her...you know.. a year ago or so. since then though ive been pretty hard for anyone to catch up with and my cousin wasnt an exception. guess i feel kinda bad about it now.. fine time too, since shes one of the people who received my National Coming Out Day text message and if i want to know her opinion in regards to my text then she will wait on me to meet. not that we both couldntve put more effort into getting together (i mean her mom did get me on a fishing trip randomly a few weeks ago) but my part is that i wasnt consistent with calling her back when i clearly couldve been. we shall see how that all plays out. i of course cannot overlook the fact that it had seemed as if she had a problem with my girl.. which i would love to talk to her about.. to see if theres any truth in it. if she does, shes gonna have to get over it cause thats my girl...and if she doesnt then i get to figure out what the real issue is... fun times .. in that not-so-much kinda way. lol more reason for me to have avoided the issue all along yeah? im thinkin so.
the worship encounter at our church this past Sunday was wonderful. we had eight visitors, one of which joined the church. amazing stuff. we went to lunch after and at the conclusion of that excursion a friend of mine (P) called me out, asking me what i was doing in regards to my call to ministry. i told him honestly that i didnt really know what to do. so..i have a conversation coming up with my Pastor about the situation and from there..who knows. more than likely i will attend seminary for my M.Div. and take it from there. i suppose the concern comes from a place where P doesnt want me to let all the other stuff im dealing with deter me from answering the call. makes sense enough.
ive been feeling fairly commonplace lately which is.. pretty amazing actually. its almost like "going through the motions" .. but better. in the way that im actually here to go through the motions.. before it was someone else.. and now i feel like.. me. its strange to have hit this place at 26 years old.. when you think you shouldve been here already. its like.. i dont have to fight with myself anymore. ...dude! (the lightbulb just came on) lol.. i guess the only sad part about this is that now i have to "fight" with everyone that knew the me before. they get to meet the real one now and thats different and scary and strange for them but amazingly wonderful and new but calm and perfect, to me. *wonders if anyone will get that*
changes:
- i orgasm differently. lol thats as blunt as i could get, but its true. feels different.. like its cold instead of hot. i like it so i guess thats really all that matters.
- hair, hair, and more hair...just growing in more. im going to have a natural soul patch (the hair just under your lower lip but above your chin). i can feel the stubble and its itchy. apparently growing facial hair is just generally itchy.. so i have like patches of .. itch.
- muscle appearance..i can tell my biceps are growing. in theory this is good. but im going to be one of those guys where the sleeve of all my short sleeve shirts hugs my muscles. lol apparently if i were a single gay guy that would be hot.. or at least this is what i hear...lol.
- strength.. im much stronger than i think i am. good and bad..im sure you can think of all the reasons why.
- still pretty horny..but managing it better. having a cold and not feeling up to much helps..sadly. not having internet helps too.. again with the sadness. lol.
- pumping.. ive been reading posts etc about this.. so i thought id give it a try. i personally dont think its as gloriously wonderful as some of the guys make it sound (as far as feeling is concerned) .. but if itll help with..things if/when i get a meta..then im down to give it a try or 25. lol.
ok.. time for lunch (left overs)..dinner last night really wasnt bad at all. sometimes she thinks her cooking isnt good and half the time shes just not right. lol... mmm peanut sauce...
;)
Ray
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
talking to family and such...
the question came up.. from anonymous3 (if you will) about whether i talk to my siblings and my dad. anonymous3 also mentioned how i put them on blast...
i debated some about whether i would talk about my sisters and their responses, but decided that i would - to explain my angst - to let people know that it happens - to show growth (we never know whats going to happen in time to come...) plus i figured..if anyone reading were to know who i was talking about then (if theyd ask) id probably tell them about what happened anyway.
the fact of the matter is, i didnt talk to the middle sister much in general anyway. every now and then we would talk, but not much more than that. we invite each other to special events and i actually like to see her when i do.. i admire her a lot. shes beautiful, shes smart, kind, funny, and straight-forward.. shes an amazing mother, a supportive wife...just a good person. when i see her at family stuff i sit across the room from her and smile because i like her so much. lol...this makes me a little sad cause she may never read this and i dont know if she knows how much i think of her...ive never had the guts to try to sit down and tell her.. and when i would say a little something..it never seemed to matter. it may have just been me...i hope it was. ...i digress... nothing has changed much there. i still dont call and she still doesnt either. just every now and then. i should probably try harder.
my eldest sister..we have talked. not a whole lot..but we didnt talk a ton before either. its almost like i still live on the other side of the country from all of them. really i also dont talk to my mom much either and shes like one of my biggest fans. its a habit ive got to get out of.. one ive been working on (on/off of course) for a couple years now - isolating. its not good for me, but i do it. my lack of meaningful relationships (including those with my family) is partly my own fault. i dont put in the work. im aware of it and its something i hope to be able to get over. the confidence i feel in being who i feel that i am helps. helps make me feel worth the relationship that i crave. helps make me feel worth the things that i want and that i see myself having. aha! ive found the source of my discontent.. i less willing to settle because i realize now that im worth it. its taken SO long to get to this conclusion..ive gotta not let that one go eh?
my father...if youve read the posts about my dad you know how i feel about him already. the man of few (if any) words. oh how i loathe to love him so much. because it hurts more to think that he wont be able to accept me and address me as a man. le sigh. i still talk to him. not regularly...but more often that i talk to anyone else in my family. at least a couple times a week. he calls me randomly with questions about computers/networks/streaming video lol. and i answer and try to help him - almost independent of whether i was busy or not. i get excited when the phone rings and its his number...but worried at the same time of what he will call me when i answer. i call him when i see someone sitting on the side of the road on an offramp with the police - to make sure its not him...
...empty, weary, anxious...
Raymond
i debated some about whether i would talk about my sisters and their responses, but decided that i would - to explain my angst - to let people know that it happens - to show growth (we never know whats going to happen in time to come...) plus i figured..if anyone reading were to know who i was talking about then (if theyd ask) id probably tell them about what happened anyway.
the fact of the matter is, i didnt talk to the middle sister much in general anyway. every now and then we would talk, but not much more than that. we invite each other to special events and i actually like to see her when i do.. i admire her a lot. shes beautiful, shes smart, kind, funny, and straight-forward.. shes an amazing mother, a supportive wife...just a good person. when i see her at family stuff i sit across the room from her and smile because i like her so much. lol...this makes me a little sad cause she may never read this and i dont know if she knows how much i think of her...ive never had the guts to try to sit down and tell her.. and when i would say a little something..it never seemed to matter. it may have just been me...i hope it was. ...i digress... nothing has changed much there. i still dont call and she still doesnt either. just every now and then. i should probably try harder.
my eldest sister..we have talked. not a whole lot..but we didnt talk a ton before either. its almost like i still live on the other side of the country from all of them. really i also dont talk to my mom much either and shes like one of my biggest fans. its a habit ive got to get out of.. one ive been working on (on/off of course) for a couple years now - isolating. its not good for me, but i do it. my lack of meaningful relationships (including those with my family) is partly my own fault. i dont put in the work. im aware of it and its something i hope to be able to get over. the confidence i feel in being who i feel that i am helps. helps make me feel worth the relationship that i crave. helps make me feel worth the things that i want and that i see myself having. aha! ive found the source of my discontent.. i less willing to settle because i realize now that im worth it. its taken SO long to get to this conclusion..ive gotta not let that one go eh?
my father...if youve read the posts about my dad you know how i feel about him already. the man of few (if any) words. oh how i loathe to love him so much. because it hurts more to think that he wont be able to accept me and address me as a man. le sigh. i still talk to him. not regularly...but more often that i talk to anyone else in my family. at least a couple times a week. he calls me randomly with questions about computers/networks/streaming video lol. and i answer and try to help him - almost independent of whether i was busy or not. i get excited when the phone rings and its his number...but worried at the same time of what he will call me when i answer. i call him when i see someone sitting on the side of the road on an offramp with the police - to make sure its not him...
...empty, weary, anxious...
Raymond
Monday, October 20, 2008
comment responses...
thanks folks for your comments on my blog. i really appreciate them - all of them. i would like to address some of them here.
did i send a mass text about my ministry?
.no i did not. the first worship encounter at our new church was not advertised in mass in that manner. plus, i would only send out text messages about my ministry to people who i felt would show interest in attending. and in case youre wondering.. my immediate family knows about me helping out to start the ministry. i have even invited a few of them to attend.
did i send out a mass text about moving?
.no i did not. my address has not yet changed and my phone number is not changing so i didnt feel this was necessary. my immediate family again, is aware of my move.
the person asking these questions however asked them in an attempt to undermine my mass text message about my transition. well...1? it was national coming out day. that's what people do on that day. they "Come Out" - thats was the purpose of my text message. 2? my place of residence and where i minister/worship have less bearing on someone knowing me as a person. who they know me as and how they relate to me however matter very much when it comes to me asserting my identity - transitioning. --but..anonymous1 - if you dont get it after this then you may not at all...such is life.
me becomming an -sshole...
i am very well aware of my ability to be an -sshole. honestly, ive always been that way..just about different things. maybe not to my family but ask any of my friends, or any who has ever been on my bad side. does it really make me an -sshole because i dont want to spoon-feed the people in my life that barely interact with me? am i an -sshole because i take pride in who i am and want people to respect me? sheesh..if thats being an -sshole then i guess i can stop feeling so bad about being one...
*smile*
lovely. i love comments.
by the way...since i have been having a hard time expressing my emotionality in a proper way, id like to say that the comments i received didnt upset me at all. i really do appreciate people taking the time to leave them. i love the support i have received..i even love the little bit of contention for the way i handle things (gives me another perspective), so thanks again folks. i just dont want you to think im upset about it cause im not. kinda amused actually.
starbuck - thanks for the support dude.. WHEN are you coming back to atl, hrm? lol and no pre-T freakouts dude.. youre going to be fine..and your going to feel GREAT. esp post-op. lol
anonymous2 - youre right. i shouldnt disconnect from the people who love me but if they are not able to respect me at the same time then i will have to do what i have to do. of course i will give everyone time.. i will give my grandparents longer than i give anyone - since they might not be here in ten years to "make up" ya know? but there are some things that cannot be compromised..like your sense of self. i send out love and prayers now and will continue to do so. thank you for the advice.
sweetness...
Raymond III
did i send a mass text about my ministry?
.no i did not. the first worship encounter at our new church was not advertised in mass in that manner. plus, i would only send out text messages about my ministry to people who i felt would show interest in attending. and in case youre wondering.. my immediate family knows about me helping out to start the ministry. i have even invited a few of them to attend.
did i send out a mass text about moving?
.no i did not. my address has not yet changed and my phone number is not changing so i didnt feel this was necessary. my immediate family again, is aware of my move.
the person asking these questions however asked them in an attempt to undermine my mass text message about my transition. well...1? it was national coming out day. that's what people do on that day. they "Come Out" - thats was the purpose of my text message. 2? my place of residence and where i minister/worship have less bearing on someone knowing me as a person. who they know me as and how they relate to me however matter very much when it comes to me asserting my identity - transitioning. --but..anonymous1 - if you dont get it after this then you may not at all...such is life.
me becomming an -sshole...
i am very well aware of my ability to be an -sshole. honestly, ive always been that way..just about different things. maybe not to my family but ask any of my friends, or any who has ever been on my bad side. does it really make me an -sshole because i dont want to spoon-feed the people in my life that barely interact with me? am i an -sshole because i take pride in who i am and want people to respect me? sheesh..if thats being an -sshole then i guess i can stop feeling so bad about being one...
*smile*
lovely. i love comments.
by the way...since i have been having a hard time expressing my emotionality in a proper way, id like to say that the comments i received didnt upset me at all. i really do appreciate people taking the time to leave them. i love the support i have received..i even love the little bit of contention for the way i handle things (gives me another perspective), so thanks again folks. i just dont want you to think im upset about it cause im not. kinda amused actually.
starbuck - thanks for the support dude.. WHEN are you coming back to atl, hrm? lol and no pre-T freakouts dude.. youre going to be fine..and your going to feel GREAT. esp post-op. lol
anonymous2 - youre right. i shouldnt disconnect from the people who love me but if they are not able to respect me at the same time then i will have to do what i have to do. of course i will give everyone time.. i will give my grandparents longer than i give anyone - since they might not be here in ten years to "make up" ya know? but there are some things that cannot be compromised..like your sense of self. i send out love and prayers now and will continue to do so. thank you for the advice.
sweetness...
Raymond III
Friday, October 17, 2008
it might just be official
i was supposed to start my cycle yesterday and it didnt come. pessimistically i waited for it all day yesterday and even for a little while today and... it didnt come. Sweeeeet. its like my frickin birthday or something!
i came out to my grandparents last night. i could see the distraught confusion on my grandmothers face as she chose her words carefully finding it in her little body to tell me that she loves me no matter what i am. that was the highlight. the rest was bittersweet. my grandma telling me point blank that she didnt think she could ever call me Raymond. her asking me "couldnt you just be a boy in a girls body?" my reply? "i could. but id be a very uncomfortable, unhappy, depressed boy in a girls body" she also asked me "why" ...so simply a question..but loaded with so much emphasis, so much intrigue. i asked her if she held a picture of herself in her head. she said she did.. i asked if hers looked like her. she said it did. i told her simply that mine didnt. told them that i was tired of feeling like a guy but being treated like a woman.
"how long have you felt this way?"
"since freshman year of college"
"why do something about it now? whyd you wait so long?"
"when i figured it out, i looked up stuff about it..thought about it and thought.. 'this cant be right.' and i used other things to keep me from thinking about it. i dont have things to keep me from thinking about it anymore. and i dont think its ever going to go away."
that's the best i could do.. i gave them all i could.. and i didnt cry - not that i could (not on T).
it went better than i thought it would.
i had to defend my name choice.. or at least thats what it felt like. halfway through my grandfather said he didnt have a problem with it..but he still debated that my nephew was Raymond III.. INCORRECT.. his last name isnt W*****...MINE is.. His father isnt Raymond Jr. MINE is. My mother wouldve named me Raymond III.. and that is the name I am taking.
im proud of myself.. because it was hard, and i was scared..and i didnt cry.. i didnt get upset. i answered the questions they asked.. i took their commentary with a grain of salt. they even asked all the questions i ever thought about my family.. what will my nephy call me? how will he see me? what will my cousins (who are old enough to know whats going on and have known me a while) think/say/do/act...? i didnt tell them then, but if they bring it up again i will.. i can no longer afford to be worried about other people as far as this matter is concerned. if they wont have me then i will not be forced upon them. i have my mother. one of my sisters is receptive. and i have a lot of guys that care about me .. that i should call more often.. to pick up any pieces my family is pulling off. im going to be fine. a-ok. no matter what.
*deep breath* two loads off eh?
shot 10 this morning. thats a nice round number.. i think i should be having cake or something.. lol. no - i just like birthday cake a lot.. lol. injected my T myself in my left leg. it went MUCH better than the last time i did it in my left leg. that was horrible..this was ok. a touch sore, but nothing a little rubbing wont get rid of im sure. im going to take more pictures probably tonight..before i shave. (i want my little beginning hairs to come in right. lol - plus i bought a wet/dry shaver with a gift certificate S bought me for my bday ;) good stuff.)
changes:
-my chest and stomach hair continue to get darker..and i guess a little longer.
-head hair has been itching like crazy..but i should probably just wash it.. im so lazy...
-my clothes fit poorly these days...i cant wait til i can buy some stuff.. soon enough..soon enough.
ok.. i should go home.
we're in our new house! we still have to clean the apartment from h-ll..but the house is going to be great. im still excited. ok.. lates...
hey...if i ever leave something out.. just ask me in the comment and ill post about it eh? i know i forget things sometimes.
sweeetttttt....
Ray
i came out to my grandparents last night. i could see the distraught confusion on my grandmothers face as she chose her words carefully finding it in her little body to tell me that she loves me no matter what i am. that was the highlight. the rest was bittersweet. my grandma telling me point blank that she didnt think she could ever call me Raymond. her asking me "couldnt you just be a boy in a girls body?" my reply? "i could. but id be a very uncomfortable, unhappy, depressed boy in a girls body" she also asked me "why" ...so simply a question..but loaded with so much emphasis, so much intrigue. i asked her if she held a picture of herself in her head. she said she did.. i asked if hers looked like her. she said it did. i told her simply that mine didnt. told them that i was tired of feeling like a guy but being treated like a woman.
"how long have you felt this way?"
"since freshman year of college"
"why do something about it now? whyd you wait so long?"
"when i figured it out, i looked up stuff about it..thought about it and thought.. 'this cant be right.' and i used other things to keep me from thinking about it. i dont have things to keep me from thinking about it anymore. and i dont think its ever going to go away."
that's the best i could do.. i gave them all i could.. and i didnt cry - not that i could (not on T).
it went better than i thought it would.
i had to defend my name choice.. or at least thats what it felt like. halfway through my grandfather said he didnt have a problem with it..but he still debated that my nephew was Raymond III.. INCORRECT.. his last name isnt W*****...MINE is.. His father isnt Raymond Jr. MINE is. My mother wouldve named me Raymond III.. and that is the name I am taking.
im proud of myself.. because it was hard, and i was scared..and i didnt cry.. i didnt get upset. i answered the questions they asked.. i took their commentary with a grain of salt. they even asked all the questions i ever thought about my family.. what will my nephy call me? how will he see me? what will my cousins (who are old enough to know whats going on and have known me a while) think/say/do/act...? i didnt tell them then, but if they bring it up again i will.. i can no longer afford to be worried about other people as far as this matter is concerned. if they wont have me then i will not be forced upon them. i have my mother. one of my sisters is receptive. and i have a lot of guys that care about me .. that i should call more often.. to pick up any pieces my family is pulling off. im going to be fine. a-ok. no matter what.
*deep breath* two loads off eh?
shot 10 this morning. thats a nice round number.. i think i should be having cake or something.. lol. no - i just like birthday cake a lot.. lol. injected my T myself in my left leg. it went MUCH better than the last time i did it in my left leg. that was horrible..this was ok. a touch sore, but nothing a little rubbing wont get rid of im sure. im going to take more pictures probably tonight..before i shave. (i want my little beginning hairs to come in right. lol - plus i bought a wet/dry shaver with a gift certificate S bought me for my bday ;) good stuff.)
changes:
-my chest and stomach hair continue to get darker..and i guess a little longer.
-head hair has been itching like crazy..but i should probably just wash it.. im so lazy...
-my clothes fit poorly these days...i cant wait til i can buy some stuff.. soon enough..soon enough.
ok.. i should go home.
we're in our new house! we still have to clean the apartment from h-ll..but the house is going to be great. im still excited. ok.. lates...
hey...if i ever leave something out.. just ask me in the comment and ill post about it eh? i know i forget things sometimes.
sweeetttttt....
Ray
Monday, October 13, 2008
it...gets worse
so.. i guess i just didnt know what the guy meant when he said that it gets worse..but yes. yes it does get worse. like.. i had started to be able to distract myself a little bit from the urge. yeah.. not anymore. its worse than say...last week. like it strikes faster and harder...lol.. ... ... yeah.
shot 9 on friday..went.. well.. Tee was there so i asked her to give me the shot.. shes all "sure ill poke you in the @ss, anytime babe" *snicker* im all "ill remember that." i lay down (usually when she does it im standing) and i hear "ready? ...um, theres blood..what do i do?" that explained the pain... i had just been thinking.. "its never hurt like that before" ..guess that makes sense. oh..yeah.. i threw the T out.. addict that i am i really didnt want to.. but there was blood in it so... *sigh* these things happen. she had to go to work by then so i injected in the leg and went about my business...no pain, not even the next day.. i did end up with a bump there though...like my muscle was mad i stabbed him. i would be too..so i can relate. ha!
other than the urge to wake my sleeping girlfriend to give me blow jobs so i can get to sleep.. im fine. still trying to deal with my feelings. im volatile. not that ill explode, but the mood will certainly change.
the ministry is getting off its feet. we have our first worship encounter this sunday. 139 ralph mcgill blvd. its 9am this sunday, but coming sundays we will worship at 11am. its going to be.. amazing. weve been having prayer and study on wednesdays for a few weeks now and even that has gone extremely well. im excited. nervous..but more excited. geez.. we better get an announcement out and online huh?
i talked to my sponsor on the phone this weekend.. that was great. and i also did some writing on my step 1. i gotta do better with the writing.. so i can stop being so d*mn crazy. lol.
we painted the kid's room in the house we are renting. im so ready to move its not even funny. but we're doing that this weekend.. so ill be fine. pissed that aarons can only move our stuff on wednesday..but really glad to be moving out of the infestation that is our current apartment. the bugs right now? really a problem..like for serious.
hahaha! oh! so on saturday - National Coming Out Day - i sent out a text message that read something to the effect of "Its National Coming Out Day. Im a transsexual and transitioning to be male. Peep the blog: http://rayunbound.blogspot.com. Love, Ray" LOL.. i was entertained. i didnt receive as many responses as i wouldve liked, but i got one the same day and two the following day. no family that i sent it to replied. ...part of me just got fed up with the i have to come out to every crap feeling.. and another part of me frankly doesnt give a d-mn anymore and just wants everyone to know so life can resume..or begin really.
ok.. so i started this post on monday and didnt finish til tuesday so im going to go ahead and put it up. i think ive mentioned enough here. lol
no apparent changes other than the extreme...urge. for lack of a better way to put it.
lates.
Raymond
shot 9 on friday..went.. well.. Tee was there so i asked her to give me the shot.. shes all "sure ill poke you in the @ss, anytime babe" *snicker* im all "ill remember that." i lay down (usually when she does it im standing) and i hear "ready? ...um, theres blood..what do i do?" that explained the pain... i had just been thinking.. "its never hurt like that before" ..guess that makes sense. oh..yeah.. i threw the T out.. addict that i am i really didnt want to.. but there was blood in it so... *sigh* these things happen. she had to go to work by then so i injected in the leg and went about my business...no pain, not even the next day.. i did end up with a bump there though...like my muscle was mad i stabbed him. i would be too..so i can relate. ha!
other than the urge to wake my sleeping girlfriend to give me blow jobs so i can get to sleep.. im fine. still trying to deal with my feelings. im volatile. not that ill explode, but the mood will certainly change.
the ministry is getting off its feet. we have our first worship encounter this sunday. 139 ralph mcgill blvd. its 9am this sunday, but coming sundays we will worship at 11am. its going to be.. amazing. weve been having prayer and study on wednesdays for a few weeks now and even that has gone extremely well. im excited. nervous..but more excited. geez.. we better get an announcement out and online huh?
i talked to my sponsor on the phone this weekend.. that was great. and i also did some writing on my step 1. i gotta do better with the writing.. so i can stop being so d*mn crazy. lol.
we painted the kid's room in the house we are renting. im so ready to move its not even funny. but we're doing that this weekend.. so ill be fine. pissed that aarons can only move our stuff on wednesday..but really glad to be moving out of the infestation that is our current apartment. the bugs right now? really a problem..like for serious.
hahaha! oh! so on saturday - National Coming Out Day - i sent out a text message that read something to the effect of "Its National Coming Out Day. Im a transsexual and transitioning to be male. Peep the blog: http://rayunbound.blogspot.com. Love, Ray" LOL.. i was entertained. i didnt receive as many responses as i wouldve liked, but i got one the same day and two the following day. no family that i sent it to replied. ...part of me just got fed up with the i have to come out to every crap feeling.. and another part of me frankly doesnt give a d-mn anymore and just wants everyone to know so life can resume..or begin really.
ok.. so i started this post on monday and didnt finish til tuesday so im going to go ahead and put it up. i think ive mentioned enough here. lol
no apparent changes other than the extreme...urge. for lack of a better way to put it.
lates.
Raymond
Thursday, October 9, 2008
a complex i wasnt expecting
lots of things going on in my head lately.. very few of them make it out of my mouth. i spend a lot of my free mind-time thinking about sex.. or trying to not think about sex. of course it requires me to not be angry too.. cant think of sex while im angry. sad..but true. lol maybe thatll change too...
anyway.. im sitting around kickin it on the mens room (http://mensroom.ning.com) and i go to look at some photos. now..this is after i have that whole "dude.. im not alone" revelation.. its cool! but im over it.. so im lookin at some of the new photos that have been posted and im like.. dude.. some of these guys are extra hot. *pause* what?! theres nothing wrong with thinking that whyd you just freak on yourself?! i dunno.. thus the pause.
so i give this weirdness in my head some more thought and i come to realize.. i think i have a complex about being attracted to seemingly non-feminine guys. w..t..f..?! tell me this aint confusing.
i guess the deal is that i know that i like femininity. i like women. i like slightly feminine men. i like transwomen. i like slightly feminine transmen. but i found my mind wondering about a guy that did not come across at all as feminine in the photo.. and THAT my dear friends caused me pause. but how in the h*ll could i have that complex...insecurities about my own masculinity i suppose. i mean.. i generally believe that im simply attracted to whomever im attracted to.. so why on this beautiful earth would i be startled about a little old sex-fantasy-attraction to someone not feminine?! bah! puberty bites sometimes. im too grown to worry about this sh*t.. lol.
*sigh*.. just thought id share what i was going through.
one of the older guys did warn me about this one though...at least. *smile*
im going to a meeting tonight. im not as anxious as i usually am on a thursday night (thank God), but im still a little out there. wanting to smoke (cigarettes of course) .. and just not willing to buy the pack.. not today. pray God i continue on that road tomorrow. im tilting in that direction though.. and i know its not a good thing. the feelings though are way stronger than i couldve expected.. at least im clean though right? cause if i didnt have that.. id STILL be up sh*t creek..and drinking/drugging my way to jails/institutions/death. this is definitely the better way.. i just wish i had something to soften the blow..lighten the burden... it hurts a little. ya dig?
...Raymond
anyway.. im sitting around kickin it on the mens room (http://mensroom.ning.com) and i go to look at some photos. now..this is after i have that whole "dude.. im not alone" revelation.. its cool! but im over it.. so im lookin at some of the new photos that have been posted and im like.. dude.. some of these guys are extra hot. *pause* what?! theres nothing wrong with thinking that whyd you just freak on yourself?! i dunno.. thus the pause.
so i give this weirdness in my head some more thought and i come to realize.. i think i have a complex about being attracted to seemingly non-feminine guys. w..t..f..?! tell me this aint confusing.
i guess the deal is that i know that i like femininity. i like women. i like slightly feminine men. i like transwomen. i like slightly feminine transmen. but i found my mind wondering about a guy that did not come across at all as feminine in the photo.. and THAT my dear friends caused me pause. but how in the h*ll could i have that complex...insecurities about my own masculinity i suppose. i mean.. i generally believe that im simply attracted to whomever im attracted to.. so why on this beautiful earth would i be startled about a little old sex-fantasy-attraction to someone not feminine?! bah! puberty bites sometimes. im too grown to worry about this sh*t.. lol.
*sigh*.. just thought id share what i was going through.
one of the older guys did warn me about this one though...at least. *smile*
im going to a meeting tonight. im not as anxious as i usually am on a thursday night (thank God), but im still a little out there. wanting to smoke (cigarettes of course) .. and just not willing to buy the pack.. not today. pray God i continue on that road tomorrow. im tilting in that direction though.. and i know its not a good thing. the feelings though are way stronger than i couldve expected.. at least im clean though right? cause if i didnt have that.. id STILL be up sh*t creek..and drinking/drugging my way to jails/institutions/death. this is definitely the better way.. i just wish i had something to soften the blow..lighten the burden... it hurts a little. ya dig?
...Raymond
Wednesday, October 8, 2008
all bottled up
so much so that i burst.. inside.. often. ive got all these emotions, worries, feelings. all the same ones id had before. i just dont wanna talk about them now. and when i do, i cant find the words. im sad, im angry, im sensitive, im scared... and most of all i dont know what to do about any of it.
im the GSR (group service representative) for my NA homegroup and went to area on sunday. i think that was the first time id told a guy that i dont know very well about me being trans and in transition. it was empowering in a way and he took the news quite well - like he didnt wig out on me or anything. i even kinda got invited to a mens only football night his wife lets him have at the house (like she cooks for them and everything). but i was scared - and its the same fear i live with everyday and especially every meeting i go to. i wanna just be Ray.. another random guy in a meeting just trying to stay clean. NOT *birthname*- NOT *mom's name*'s daughter - just Ray. and NO, i dont want to come to your women's meeting - women's step study - or women's event. thanks.
im at a loss. i need to see jack. im worrying my freakin pants off about work and about money. im fantasizing about and romanticizing the drink. i havent done any stepwork in months (probably about two) and im illin about going to meetings. ..there was that one time i went to the late meeting on buford hwy and was taken for male. good stuff.
ok.. where i am about work and not being out is way freaky. cause i love the voice changing thing.. i love the little mustache i need to shave off.. but i go to work and having these great things - this wonderful male puberty finally happening to me - feels like a burden. im scared to come out and i be d*mned if im going to stay in much longer. i just want to be prepared in case i lose the great job ive got. speaking of prepared.. and i know its a giant leap backward but when i stopped by starbucks the other morning, i asked the asm (assistant store manager) there - who knew me from before - if i needed it, if i could come back to work there.. she of course said yes. she doesnt know about the trans thing.. but thatll be an easy tell to her. and its written into their non-discrimination policy..whereas gender is not included in the policy at my current job.
see.. im going insane. and i dont know who to talk to or what to say. i know i cant drink - thats not the solution. but what to do, what to do...
changes:
-the s/o noticed that my eyebrows have gotten a tad thicker.
-youll really have to catch me on youtube and tell me whatever else youre noticing thats different.. besides my voice continuing to drop.. i dont know what else to talk about here.
-hair is continuing to grow in..but not really in any places that i havent named already.
-using the mint julep mask on my chest is working. strange but true. maybe i wont have to switch from injections to gel afterall. (a guy at SCC mentioned this to me.. he'd had terrible acne on his chest that cleared up when he switched from injections to gel. i dont really want to switch.)
tis all... *sigh*
Ray
im the GSR (group service representative) for my NA homegroup and went to area on sunday. i think that was the first time id told a guy that i dont know very well about me being trans and in transition. it was empowering in a way and he took the news quite well - like he didnt wig out on me or anything. i even kinda got invited to a mens only football night his wife lets him have at the house (like she cooks for them and everything). but i was scared - and its the same fear i live with everyday and especially every meeting i go to. i wanna just be Ray.. another random guy in a meeting just trying to stay clean. NOT *birthname*- NOT *mom's name*'s daughter - just Ray. and NO, i dont want to come to your women's meeting - women's step study - or women's event. thanks.
im at a loss. i need to see jack. im worrying my freakin pants off about work and about money. im fantasizing about and romanticizing the drink. i havent done any stepwork in months (probably about two) and im illin about going to meetings. ..there was that one time i went to the late meeting on buford hwy and was taken for male. good stuff.
ok.. where i am about work and not being out is way freaky. cause i love the voice changing thing.. i love the little mustache i need to shave off.. but i go to work and having these great things - this wonderful male puberty finally happening to me - feels like a burden. im scared to come out and i be d*mned if im going to stay in much longer. i just want to be prepared in case i lose the great job ive got. speaking of prepared.. and i know its a giant leap backward but when i stopped by starbucks the other morning, i asked the asm (assistant store manager) there - who knew me from before - if i needed it, if i could come back to work there.. she of course said yes. she doesnt know about the trans thing.. but thatll be an easy tell to her. and its written into their non-discrimination policy..whereas gender is not included in the policy at my current job.
see.. im going insane. and i dont know who to talk to or what to say. i know i cant drink - thats not the solution. but what to do, what to do...
changes:
-the s/o noticed that my eyebrows have gotten a tad thicker.
-youll really have to catch me on youtube and tell me whatever else youre noticing thats different.. besides my voice continuing to drop.. i dont know what else to talk about here.
-hair is continuing to grow in..but not really in any places that i havent named already.
-using the mint julep mask on my chest is working. strange but true. maybe i wont have to switch from injections to gel afterall. (a guy at SCC mentioned this to me.. he'd had terrible acne on his chest that cleared up when he switched from injections to gel. i dont really want to switch.)
tis all... *sigh*
Ray
Monday, October 6, 2008
bad nerves - good times
44 people got laid off at my job today. to put it bluntly, im scared. its not that i dont do a great job because i do, but honestly if there is someone around thats going to cause discord in any nature.. with the way we're trying to cut back.. there would be no reason to keep them. i want to believe that my work would sufficiently advocate for me and that my potential would shine light on any shadows of doubt.. but im just plain old scared. not that i knew when i was going to come out, but i guess im pretty happy it wasnt last week. and im EXTRA happy that i still have a job today.
my weekend was beyond amazing. i met some of the coolest ladies, gents, older folks, everything at SCC this weekend. i learned a ton, made a caboose-load of contacts, and had an absolute BLAST just hanging out and talking to people. My friend A did indeed come up from Florida and we pretty much hung out late every night.. we didnt even find time for Wii (there's always next time).
i had shot number 8 on friday. went well. A was there and got to watch - so that was kinda cool.
i guess thats really all ive got to say today. there was a point this weekend where i got really uncomfortable and really kinda scared. scared of Tee wigging out on my one day. scared of not being able to handle myself and all that goes along with the transition. its not quite enough to stop me.. but it does make me worry. wont be surprised if a hair or two on my chest comes in gray. heh...
Ray
my weekend was beyond amazing. i met some of the coolest ladies, gents, older folks, everything at SCC this weekend. i learned a ton, made a caboose-load of contacts, and had an absolute BLAST just hanging out and talking to people. My friend A did indeed come up from Florida and we pretty much hung out late every night.. we didnt even find time for Wii (there's always next time).
i had shot number 8 on friday. went well. A was there and got to watch - so that was kinda cool.
i guess thats really all ive got to say today. there was a point this weekend where i got really uncomfortable and really kinda scared. scared of Tee wigging out on my one day. scared of not being able to handle myself and all that goes along with the transition. its not quite enough to stop me.. but it does make me worry. wont be surprised if a hair or two on my chest comes in gray. heh...
Ray
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