aaah..I loathe my previous apparently empty promises of doing better with the blogging. life has just seemed to run away from me I suppose. I do a little running back tonight. soo much has happen in such little time (in the grander scheme of things).. but still a lot. since March I think Im working from...?
in July '11 I met the partner's family - brother, mother, grandmother /blush. I was ordained as a Reverend..pretty cool. despite my random insecurities about praying out loud (don't ask, lol) at the same conference before I was ordained I did opening prayer for one of the evening worship services.. that's kinda funny now that I think of it. my partner moved here to be with me (smile) in August. death and burial of my partner's uncle. recently named the Southern Region TransSaints Regional Assistant. some reorganization at work that puts me on call much more often.. but takes me out of the development cycle - there are pluses and minuses to that. ..hrm.. outside of the past month of happenings these are the only things that really stick out that's happened since then..but if you dont think that is enough..
my father passed on December 13, 2011. I think Im still a bit shocked about that. and Im up blogging at 2am right now because today (Jan 4) is his birthday. I miss him. Im half tempted to go through my blog and recall all the random stuff Ive written about him over however long...lol partially because this electronic thing would make it easy.. but really I did a TON of griping in this blog..so that might not really be the way to go.
I guess one of the amazing things about the experience is - making the calls, meeting with the Reverend to organize the funeral, contacting his job, dealing with the VA, visiting my grandmother, attending the funeral and giving the acknowlegments ...all in all.. I helped do my dad proud through his hospitalization, death and funeral -- as I am sure he would have wanted his son to do. I'm not at all positive that he thought of me quite that way at the time of his death.. but I am certain that had I been born the man they thought I was that I behaved myself in the manner that would have been expected of me for the occasion. I just thank G-d I was able to do it...and continue doing it. there is more stuff than I could have ever imagined to try to sift through, figure out, sign for, clean...name it! It has to be done still. But I helped participate in making the Celebration for him something to remember.
my partner has been and continues to be absolutely Amazing in all of this. He even let me sob hysterically before we went to church on New Year's Eve. lol that's kind of saying a lot -- being that I dont cry very often. maybe that will sum up what I can say about sadness and grief and crying after T. lets just say since my dad's accident on November 27th Ive cried.. about 4 or 5 times. more than Ive cried over the past 3 years prior to that combined. guess I'm getting my fill. that last time was kind of a lot.. like a whole 10 minute situation.
another interesting tidbit.. clearly a TON of family came into town for the funeral. a good few of whom had not seen me in the past 4 - 5 years. that was interesting but the re-introductions went well. when my response to one bewildered look and uncomfortable shifting was "things change" to which she responded hesitantly, "yeah..things change.." my grandfather rather cheerfully chimed in "..and it's alright!" aside from being astounded, I was full of all kinds of wonderful feelings: surprise, happiness, relief.. to name a few. the day of the funeral my grandmother's sister.. actually along with a few other people.. found the time to corner me in random places and tell me things that you tell a man when his father has died - that I was the man of the family now, that I have to be strong, to be sure that I take care of my sisters always. the kind of things I would have heard all of my life had I been born in a boy's body, I suppose.. its kind of sad that I had to wait until my dad died to hear them.. part of me wishes he had got the chance to hear them.. say some of them even. but he wasnt exactly that kind of guy. he said it without saying it in his own ways I suppose.. calling me to help me get his motorcycle up on his new stand, instructing me on how to change my fuel pump instead of doing it for me, and completely unrelated..but totally in the fashion of our relationship.. coming to pick me up and take me for a ice cream on his motorcycle....lol after all.. his son's mostly gay. /shrug lol
d-mn-t I miss my dad...
...I think.. Im going to have more ice cream and cookies now...
too bad I dont have any chocolate almond ice cream. it was his favorite.. lol though really I rarely ate it cause I particularly liked it.. usually because it was there and he liked it so much.. lol guess I can stick to vanilla with oreos for now.. every now and then I'll have to grab some chocolate custard from Rita's for him.. he was SO excited to have discovered it when I took him there.
Dad.. I miss you. Yes, I've been taking my Vitamin C like you suggested the last time we spoke...well..usually. You should see the floor in your house now. Looks more like it did when your kids were younger. I wish you could tell us what you want us to do with all of your stuff.. lol or with these other people's stuff that you still have. You very well can't fix it now and I certainly don't quite fit the "Handy Man" bill. Just so you know, when I wish you were here I am reminded of how hard life is.. how hard it must have been for you for so many years. Congratulations on the promotion, really...cause you must have been done with something and gotten some things right to have left so peacefully. The suffering of this lifetime is over and even though we cry and get sad remembering you, its not that we aren't happy for you..just sad for ourselves because we love you so much in all the ways that we remember you. I know that you were proud of all three of us. We will continue to make you proud. Thank you for being such a good man and such a good dad, father and friend. I learned so much more about being a real man from you than you will ever know. Forgive me for being afraid to tell you that before you left. I love you and look up to you now and always. Happy Birthday, Dad.
Raymond
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