deflated bitersweet joys

i had good news to share yesterday and the excitement kinda seeped out of me. despite still laying on the sidewalk airless ill divulge.

i talked to my immediate manager yesterday afternoon. told him that i ID'd as male and plan on transitioning etc. my suspicion that he already knew was confirmed. he did in fact notice the waitress in the restaurant address me as male and was only concerned at the reaction of the other two people at the table. that explains the look on his face. it wasnt confusion, it wasnt disdain, it was seeking.. but not in my direction. clearly we both knew the waitress knew what she was talking about. funny. i didnt bring up the bowling incident. he did mention however that he thought i ID'd as male my first day of work when i straighted out the whole name thing. whats pretty great about the meeting we had is that he actually addressed me as he after i told him, then was like.. 'well to not cause confusion for now we will say she' -- apparently, much like myself and my HR lady he's ready to move on with the process too. im amused... and a lot less worried than before - being that ive got that 200 lb weight off my neck.

i wonder how the feelings seep through the writing. is it the word choice.. the half elipses.. the knowing me in real life that does it? what is it about the way i write that gives it all away. h-ll what is it about the way i walk, talk, look, listen, feel that gives all my other secrets away for that matter. not that it concerns me.. giving these things away.. ive got to learn how to be an open book.. or something like that they say... but what is it.

being a recovering addict youd think id learn to not trust the first.. i dunno.. 16 thoughts that jump up in my mind to do. its clear however, that when youre not working a program it doesnt matter how often someone has told you 'your mind is for entertainment purposes only' youre still gonna do stupid isht... problem is.. when youre clean you have to live with the circumstances. and like a rowdy selfish child i want to be mad at the world cause i broke my toys.. 'too f-ckin bad' mom says. 'and im not buying you a new one either. deal.' and so i shall. just that these days theres really only so much dealing that can be done.

ive been taking suggestions.. 4 meetings/week.. letting people know im available as a sponsor.. journaling at night.. reading just 4 today in the morning.. and its going ok. just.. keep.. going. and apparently itll keep me sane.. or something like that they tell me. im sick. i know im sick.. at least im working on it. at least im willing to work on it.

...almost forgot.. ive got hair on me face! *stewie-griffin-callused-fingers-playing-banjo-style* ... ... and can only be so excited about it. ...damn.

Raymond