bringing it back

i gotta get back on my grind. i havent been writing as much.. but that certainly doesnt mean life hasnt been moving as fast as ever. its certainly going.. sometimes i wish i knew where.. other times im just happy to be along for the ride.

right now im laying in a bed at the Days Inn in Charlotte, NC. my pastor and i are in town for a Leadership Retreat. ive never been at something like this. its going to be interesting im sure.. at the VERY least. ..but im happy to be here.

i posted a video the other day. its kinda sad, but im actually proud to have done it.. itd been 2 months since the last one and i hadnt intended on waiting that long to post another. glad i got that one out. i didnt talk about it in depth but.. despite what i wanted to do.. i shaved the other day. i got insecure about my mustache and people at work. i hate that i felt that way, but i was up late one night.. and the details of everything got to me.. i cleaned the kitchen, baked/ate cookies (im obsessed), and shaved my precious mustache off. i cut myself in the process. i dont even know why i was up so late in the d-mn bathroom starring at myself anyway. i found myself afraid that someone would notice and i would end up having that conversation with someone before HR is ready for me to have that conversation with..everyone. ...i dunno. what i DO know is that i gotta let that sh-t go.. cause im covered.. and i KNOW im covered. i just gotta start acting like im covered. believing im covered..like for real.

i really need to get to sleep.. we have a long day tomorrow at the conference. and i gotta see if i can get myself to just quietly fall asleep. ;)

wait! ok.. i went to the doctor today. my primary care physician that i started seeing when i moved back here in 2006 so... from before. id told him about my transitioning etc and he was supportive.. i guess i underestimate some people... there are med students doing residency at his office. today i got probably the coolest guy i could have imagined for myself. he was just good. good at talking to me about stuff i didnt want to talk about.. good at making me feel comfortable..great with addressing me properly.. just good. i loved it. the lady who looked at the..er uuh.. lower stuff i had going on was actually pretty cool too.. she didnt use pronouns at all.. cause from the looks of it.. i think i confused her to high heavens at first... /shrug. when i told her i needed her to take a look she was like...ok drop your pants.. i was like.. uuh.. you wont be able to see what youre looking for if i just drop 'em. i found myself wondering.. did she think i had uuh... ... yeah... not quite that long yet.. LoL. i ended up spending a good 4 hours trying to get doctor stuff done today.. but it was worth it for the male doctor i had. after i told him that i was a bit uncomfortable in general because of my.. unique medical history his reply was that they care for me and he wants me to know that him and dr. s (my regular doc) especially will always have a place for me. i was like.. wow.. thats AWESOME. especially after i told Tee that i was worried about the whole going to see my old doctor..but coming back with ambiguous genetalia. actually dr s was leaving to do rounds in the hospital when i was finally called for my appt, but he stopped by to see me and talk to me.. see how i have been feeling "mind, body, and spirit" .. i told him that i was very well.. much better than myself a year prior. he said he was happy for me.. he also made some small talk before he left.. asking about my parents (all 3 of them) and my sisters. funny thing.. hes the pcp for all of us.. lol. /shrug. whatever works yeah? h-ll when youre good, youre good. ;)

ok.. i guess i can go to bed now.. lol i sure wish i had some headphones with me.. im a horrible person i know.. LoL...cant help it!

nite...

Ray III