i look at myself in the mirror and i think.. wow.. i guess i must have been a pretty girl. i assume that i couldntve changed that much - at least to other people. all i know is that i finally see me when i look in the mirror these days. that the person's face i look at, every oily pore, pimple, mustache/beard hair (even the blonde ones) belong to me. they are a part of me and its actually me looking at me in the mirror.
years ago when i would look in the mirror, actually look.. lol its funny because i remember doing this a few times... sometimes in a drunken stupor, sometimes in the middle of the night during a bathroom break, and random other times too.. i would look and look and felt absolutely no connection to what i saw - but could not for the life of me understand how or why. so much of the dark, blank, emotionless time of my life prior to now, make so much more sense now that i actually get to be who i am. its kinda amazing really.
so i can finally look in a mirror and see what other people see. i actually think im handsome. lol and not the kind of handsome that i used to think i was simply because i needed to overcompensate for my lack elsewhere that day, but i actually think im generally handsome. contrary to popular belief this is new for me. yes ive known for however long that other people were attracted to me.. and that used to get me where i was going, but its altogether another thing to think it of yourself - in that quiet cool kinda way that doesnt have me screaming it off of rooftops or anything, but makes my sadfaced expression im used to seeing when i look in the mirror fade away.
my church visited another ministry this past Sunday where service was held outside at the park - the church without walls: no rules, just God. i love it.. we had a wonderful time with them. as their Deacon had to leave per medical reasons the Pastor needed assistance to serve communion. i was moved to assist so i did, without knowing their protocol. Pastor P is so nice though he was happy to explain. as we serve the people, we break their bread (body), dip it in the chalice of juice (blood), serve the recipient and pray for them as requested and/or i am lead. lol herein lies the surprise. i generally find myself struggling for words when asked to pray aloud. nervous as i was (granted i shouldntve been) i did as i was lead and the whole thing was just fine. the people seemed to have gotten what they needed, but of course i was astounded that anyone got anything from my simple mutterings... okay they werent exactly simple mutterings, but you get what im saying.
i am awake a little late a night. having some complications with my healing. i go to the doctor in the morning. part of me is afraid he will say something crazy like.. let's go across the street for an additional surgery. the other part of me knows better and knows that my Doctor will take care of the whole thing and it wont take anything that serious...and even if it does, that it will all be okay either way. *sigh*
Raymond III
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
Saturday, November 21, 2009
post surgery *smile*
i am both alive and well - at home - not working - healing quite nicely - and actually getting around VERY well for a man who had major surgery 10 days ago. believe me, i was not THIS chipper even just a few days ago, but i am very well now.
hospital/surgery experience:
i had already done the pre-op thing at the hospital on the 9th where there was some confusion and such but people did not act particularly out-of-character. there was no staring or improper language - and even the avoidance of pronoun usage - which i noticed and appreciated. i was recognized as male the whole time during registration and such - even to the point where one lady was like, 'so where is *birthname*, I have to put the wristband on her' -- i was like.. 'oh, yeah, that's me.' she didnt even flinch she goes 'oh, ok. right arm please?' *smile*
day of surgery a friend of mine's spouse was there when i got off the elevator. his surgery was the one before my own. she says 'K wants to see you' - i give my mom my stuff and go back to see him. he'd been pretty nervous about the whole thing but since he ended up having it before me he would always brief me on everything that happened. i guess i had it good that way. i always knew what theyd ask and half of the instructions before i got them. and of course it took a bit of the edge off. when i came out of K's pre-surgery room i told the nurse that i wasnt sure which way to go. she looked at me and said, 'oh ok. are you my next patient?' i guess i had a bit of a startled look on my face -- now that i think about it.. i WAS wearing two hospital bracelets -- so she asked me my name. 'uuh, walker' she smiled and asked 'Ray Walker?' i smiled back and said 'yes!' she introduced herself, told me i was her next patient, and told me i could just stay back there if i wanted. i hadnt checked-in yet, and id left my mom at the front desk, so she took me back to the front desk where i was addressed the entire time as 'Mr. Walker.' it was pretty awesome. the ladies were absolutely wonderful and nicer than ive ever experience hospital personnel. my mom loved my nurse and wrote her a positive review before i had even gotten my first dose of "Relax Now" meds. i say first dose because there was an emergency surgery that came in for our doctor (Dr. Dott) between K and myself - so i ended up having two doses. Im glad T got there before the meds started. the first dose wasnt all that bad, but i had started to get a little sleepy. the second dose had me falling asleep and waking up.. or at least that's the part i remember. the meds and then anesthesia is NO JOKE.. i dont remember my nurse's name despite how INCREDIBLE she was. and all i remember between being wheeled away from my mom and T and 'Recovery' is moving from my stretcher to the operating table and being given oxygen, then nothing.
when i "woke up" i wasnt really quite awake. someone was calling my name and i heard someone else tell me that K was calling me. he was leaving recovery when i was arriving. i managed to focus my eyes a little though i remember thinking it looked a lot like what it used to look like after i had been drinking all night but instead of sleeping would stay up and play games with my friends from undergrad (yes.. long long ago - lol) or 'walk' (stumbling mostly) to Chanos for cheese fries LoL. i digress... i then went back to 'sleep' and awoke to my mom, T, and R (an Elder from my church - who had been there the entire time... he's SO sweet). not sure if i talked to them or not, but i went back to 'sleep' and was next awakened to see Dr. Dott. he told me the surgery went great. i remember asking him 'did you get it all?' to which he answered 'of course!' he shook my had and i went back to 'sleep.' i awakened again to see my other mom (G) and then was allowed to 'sleep' until it was time to go to a room. i remember this trip because i was very cold until i got into my room where i had to assist in moving into my bed, was given my morphine pump, then allowed to get a bit of rest.
i dont remember a whole lot about that night. i had visitors and remember them being there and reminding me to press the button, but dont remember much of the conversation. K seemed to be doing much better than i was with the anesthesia and pain meds and came over to see me a few times before i was ever able to go see him. peeing after the surgery was NOT fun. THIS pain lasted for a few days. actually even today, if i wait a long time to go, i will have some pain urinating - cant forget to tell the doc this when i go back Tuesday. i had heard horror stories about people waking up from the anesthesia vomiting and was happy that this wasnt my experience...until i took my first trip to K's room on the other side of the nurse's station. (or was it the second trip.../shrug) yeah.. despite my nausea, i had drank some apple juice before the trip. on the way back? ..yeah.. water and apple juice mostly in the little pail i had been given when i started to look sick, and on the floor. T and i stood there and waited for assistance. i was really hoping to get back to my room.. nope.
i was able to eat a little food the next day (thursday) and was taken off of the pump (thank GOD.. i had started to itch and i was NOT ok with that...not to mention i was crazy nauseated). that evening i went home. i spent the next few days trying to figure out how many percosets to take without feeling like a junky and without hurting so bad. even trying to include some ibuprofen since i didnt really want to take the percs anyway. it was stupid. by sunday night it was like.. screw it.. take 2 percs every four hours.. about a day and a half later... NOT a great idea. i was OUT of it and SO nauseous (did i mention constipated also?) i could hardly eat and wanted to cry. medicine management (even with assistance?) FAIL. emailed the doctor about all of it and ended up going to see him on Wednesday. changed from percosets to vicodin in case of severe pain, but instructed to just take tylenol. i can do that. since then ive been feeling pretty good. i was even able to eat on wednesday (after stopping taking meds at all early tuesday morning). my first meal? A beef 'n cheddar and few curly fries from Arby's .. it was DELICIOUS! lol
since wednesday ive been pretty good. the pain that i have is either from having done too much or gas. ive still got a bit of gas going on. i dont think ive ever been so happy to be able to take a normal pooh lol.. [TMI? ...get over it. lol]
other stuff (for lack of a more creative name):
yesterday was TDOR (transgender day of remembrance). regretfully in the AM however i first attended the Memorial service for for the wife of a gentleman in my community. i just hate that there had to be one, but i am glad that i went. in the PM i attended the TDOR program and vigil at the capital (and at the church across the street from the capital). it was different this year because we were inside for the speakers. i think it was a nice change...even though it was warmer this year than last (lol). i loved the amount of people that were there and the caliber of people who showed up. a senator here, a mayoral candidate there, a few elected officials, many people running for other offices, a host of pastors and ministers of local congregations, many community members, allies, friends.. i love it! EVERYONE should be there. my pastor said a few words - i think he did well. lol he probably didnt call me up there because i wasnt particularly moving around all that well by then. truth be told, i wasnt moving all that well after the memorial service, but i was feeling just fine.
today after all that activity yesterday, I am HAPPY to be at home. and i.. after this horrendously long post.. am going to go lay down. i wrote this in the office on a regular-sized keyboard instead of on the laptop.. and now i just wish i were in bed.. lol.
ok.. later!
feel free to ask specific questions.. im SURE ive left out a TON of stuff about the event.. or at least the kind of stuff people may want to know. ;)
just glad its over...
*smile*
Raymond
hospital/surgery experience:
i had already done the pre-op thing at the hospital on the 9th where there was some confusion and such but people did not act particularly out-of-character. there was no staring or improper language - and even the avoidance of pronoun usage - which i noticed and appreciated. i was recognized as male the whole time during registration and such - even to the point where one lady was like, 'so where is *birthname*, I have to put the wristband on her' -- i was like.. 'oh, yeah, that's me.' she didnt even flinch she goes 'oh, ok. right arm please?' *smile*
day of surgery a friend of mine's spouse was there when i got off the elevator. his surgery was the one before my own. she says 'K wants to see you' - i give my mom my stuff and go back to see him. he'd been pretty nervous about the whole thing but since he ended up having it before me he would always brief me on everything that happened. i guess i had it good that way. i always knew what theyd ask and half of the instructions before i got them. and of course it took a bit of the edge off. when i came out of K's pre-surgery room i told the nurse that i wasnt sure which way to go. she looked at me and said, 'oh ok. are you my next patient?' i guess i had a bit of a startled look on my face -- now that i think about it.. i WAS wearing two hospital bracelets -- so she asked me my name. 'uuh, walker' she smiled and asked 'Ray Walker?' i smiled back and said 'yes!' she introduced herself, told me i was her next patient, and told me i could just stay back there if i wanted. i hadnt checked-in yet, and id left my mom at the front desk, so she took me back to the front desk where i was addressed the entire time as 'Mr. Walker.' it was pretty awesome. the ladies were absolutely wonderful and nicer than ive ever experience hospital personnel. my mom loved my nurse and wrote her a positive review before i had even gotten my first dose of "Relax Now" meds. i say first dose because there was an emergency surgery that came in for our doctor (Dr. Dott) between K and myself - so i ended up having two doses. Im glad T got there before the meds started. the first dose wasnt all that bad, but i had started to get a little sleepy. the second dose had me falling asleep and waking up.. or at least that's the part i remember. the meds and then anesthesia is NO JOKE.. i dont remember my nurse's name despite how INCREDIBLE she was. and all i remember between being wheeled away from my mom and T and 'Recovery' is moving from my stretcher to the operating table and being given oxygen, then nothing.
when i "woke up" i wasnt really quite awake. someone was calling my name and i heard someone else tell me that K was calling me. he was leaving recovery when i was arriving. i managed to focus my eyes a little though i remember thinking it looked a lot like what it used to look like after i had been drinking all night but instead of sleeping would stay up and play games with my friends from undergrad (yes.. long long ago - lol) or 'walk' (stumbling mostly) to Chanos for cheese fries LoL. i digress... i then went back to 'sleep' and awoke to my mom, T, and R (an Elder from my church - who had been there the entire time... he's SO sweet). not sure if i talked to them or not, but i went back to 'sleep' and was next awakened to see Dr. Dott. he told me the surgery went great. i remember asking him 'did you get it all?' to which he answered 'of course!' he shook my had and i went back to 'sleep.' i awakened again to see my other mom (G) and then was allowed to 'sleep' until it was time to go to a room. i remember this trip because i was very cold until i got into my room where i had to assist in moving into my bed, was given my morphine pump, then allowed to get a bit of rest.
i dont remember a whole lot about that night. i had visitors and remember them being there and reminding me to press the button, but dont remember much of the conversation. K seemed to be doing much better than i was with the anesthesia and pain meds and came over to see me a few times before i was ever able to go see him. peeing after the surgery was NOT fun. THIS pain lasted for a few days. actually even today, if i wait a long time to go, i will have some pain urinating - cant forget to tell the doc this when i go back Tuesday. i had heard horror stories about people waking up from the anesthesia vomiting and was happy that this wasnt my experience...until i took my first trip to K's room on the other side of the nurse's station. (or was it the second trip.../shrug) yeah.. despite my nausea, i had drank some apple juice before the trip. on the way back? ..yeah.. water and apple juice mostly in the little pail i had been given when i started to look sick, and on the floor. T and i stood there and waited for assistance. i was really hoping to get back to my room.. nope.
i was able to eat a little food the next day (thursday) and was taken off of the pump (thank GOD.. i had started to itch and i was NOT ok with that...not to mention i was crazy nauseated). that evening i went home. i spent the next few days trying to figure out how many percosets to take without feeling like a junky and without hurting so bad. even trying to include some ibuprofen since i didnt really want to take the percs anyway. it was stupid. by sunday night it was like.. screw it.. take 2 percs every four hours.. about a day and a half later... NOT a great idea. i was OUT of it and SO nauseous (did i mention constipated also?) i could hardly eat and wanted to cry. medicine management (even with assistance?) FAIL. emailed the doctor about all of it and ended up going to see him on Wednesday. changed from percosets to vicodin in case of severe pain, but instructed to just take tylenol. i can do that. since then ive been feeling pretty good. i was even able to eat on wednesday (after stopping taking meds at all early tuesday morning). my first meal? A beef 'n cheddar and few curly fries from Arby's .. it was DELICIOUS! lol
since wednesday ive been pretty good. the pain that i have is either from having done too much or gas. ive still got a bit of gas going on. i dont think ive ever been so happy to be able to take a normal pooh lol.. [TMI? ...get over it. lol]
other stuff (for lack of a more creative name):
yesterday was TDOR (transgender day of remembrance). regretfully in the AM however i first attended the Memorial service for for the wife of a gentleman in my community. i just hate that there had to be one, but i am glad that i went. in the PM i attended the TDOR program and vigil at the capital (and at the church across the street from the capital). it was different this year because we were inside for the speakers. i think it was a nice change...even though it was warmer this year than last (lol). i loved the amount of people that were there and the caliber of people who showed up. a senator here, a mayoral candidate there, a few elected officials, many people running for other offices, a host of pastors and ministers of local congregations, many community members, allies, friends.. i love it! EVERYONE should be there. my pastor said a few words - i think he did well. lol he probably didnt call me up there because i wasnt particularly moving around all that well by then. truth be told, i wasnt moving all that well after the memorial service, but i was feeling just fine.
today after all that activity yesterday, I am HAPPY to be at home. and i.. after this horrendously long post.. am going to go lay down. i wrote this in the office on a regular-sized keyboard instead of on the laptop.. and now i just wish i were in bed.. lol.
ok.. later!
feel free to ask specific questions.. im SURE ive left out a TON of stuff about the event.. or at least the kind of stuff people may want to know. ;)
just glad its over...
*smile*
Raymond
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
surgery 11/11
in about an hour my mom will come get me and take me to the hospital for surgery. all i can think about right now is how hungry i am and all the different foods i currently have a taste for. truth be told im only writing a blog because T suggested that i do. not really sure that i have too much to say.
im nervous about having surgery but excited at the prospect of this making the pain ive been in for the past few months go away. i completed a Living Will and Power of Attorney yesterday. that always leaves you with a weird sensation. i love the fact that my mom was all, T is your power of attorney, right? more of a telling than an asking. thats a good sign.
when i had found out my surgery date (last week) i wrote an email to my family - mom, dad, 2 sisters. up until yesterday afternoon i had only heard anything back from my mom and the middle sister. i tried not to take this personally but i admit, it bothered me. last night however, the doorbell rings and its my dad; standing as close to the screen door as possible in an effort to stay out of the rain hurricane Ian brought to Georgia. when he came in he said, i got your email.a little bitter i asked him when. lol its hard to not be that way with him sometimes. funny enough, and true to both our natures he got the email just the day before. *sigh* at least i wasnt too upset about not hearing from him.. we stood around and chatted for a while - his way of showing concern. i ranted like a 4 year old boy whose best friend had stopped by - my way of showing i was glad he came. i roasted marshmallows for T, him, and myself. i had already had a fire going. ah, the wonders of a fireplace. today - this afternoon - my eldest sister called me from a georgia number (unexpectedly) but clearly from another country. i was happy to hear from her. now that all immediately family have been accounted for.. i suppose we can proceed.
2 days after our anniversary i am having surgery. T has been really good about the whole situation though. i was actually hoping that we could do something extra special this year - since weve had such a rough go of anniversaries and birthdays in the past. guess ill just have to find some other way to make up for it...
i cant quite imagine how worried other people are about me having surgery. just in the past few years have i even been able to comprehend that other people really give a hoot about what happens to me... so its still hard to wrap my head around people asking me to have T call or text to let them know that im doing alright. either way its kinda cool to know that so many people are actually concerned about the possibility of never seeing me again. makes me feel like ive done something in the world. *smile*
im off.. prayers abound.. hopefully to return to blog about the experience soon.
love,
Raymond III
im nervous about having surgery but excited at the prospect of this making the pain ive been in for the past few months go away. i completed a Living Will and Power of Attorney yesterday. that always leaves you with a weird sensation. i love the fact that my mom was all, T is your power of attorney, right? more of a telling than an asking. thats a good sign.
when i had found out my surgery date (last week) i wrote an email to my family - mom, dad, 2 sisters. up until yesterday afternoon i had only heard anything back from my mom and the middle sister. i tried not to take this personally but i admit, it bothered me. last night however, the doorbell rings and its my dad; standing as close to the screen door as possible in an effort to stay out of the rain hurricane Ian brought to Georgia. when he came in he said, i got your email.a little bitter i asked him when. lol its hard to not be that way with him sometimes. funny enough, and true to both our natures he got the email just the day before. *sigh* at least i wasnt too upset about not hearing from him.. we stood around and chatted for a while - his way of showing concern. i ranted like a 4 year old boy whose best friend had stopped by - my way of showing i was glad he came. i roasted marshmallows for T, him, and myself. i had already had a fire going. ah, the wonders of a fireplace. today - this afternoon - my eldest sister called me from a georgia number (unexpectedly) but clearly from another country. i was happy to hear from her. now that all immediately family have been accounted for.. i suppose we can proceed.
2 days after our anniversary i am having surgery. T has been really good about the whole situation though. i was actually hoping that we could do something extra special this year - since weve had such a rough go of anniversaries and birthdays in the past. guess ill just have to find some other way to make up for it...
i cant quite imagine how worried other people are about me having surgery. just in the past few years have i even been able to comprehend that other people really give a hoot about what happens to me... so its still hard to wrap my head around people asking me to have T call or text to let them know that im doing alright. either way its kinda cool to know that so many people are actually concerned about the possibility of never seeing me again. makes me feel like ive done something in the world. *smile*
im off.. prayers abound.. hopefully to return to blog about the experience soon.
love,
Raymond III
Monday, October 26, 2009
ministry and whatnot
last night i was licensed as a Minister and ordained as an Elder of my church.
...that rocks. even just the beginning of last year i would not have thought id be right here, right now. i think ive gone over the words on my license in my head several times just today.. i guess in an effort to let it sink it. but also in an effort to understand just exactly what it is im supposed to be doing. now some things i know. and amazingly some of them come pretty natural. speaking to a crowd about how great God is, casual conversation about church, sharing my experiences in transition; these are things i can do almost without thinking - and not out of habit. really drives home the meaning of being called to do something.
the humanness i feel these days though, is astounding. im not floating around disconnected from the world around me. im suddenly smack dab in the middle of it all. i still find myself sometimes watching - like im still on the outside. until someone sees me and emotes or speaks because of my presence and i realize that im not so invisible anymore. they see me and it really is me that they see. for example: i step up to the line at the grocery store the other day and the woman in front of me in line glances in my direction - just because i walked up. for a split second my eyes met hers; after all, she was looking right at me. then while continuing to empty the items from her cart onto the conveyor she looks up at me again, pauses for a moment and says very simply "you have some pretty eyes," and continues to unload her cart without waiting for my response. of all the times that all the strangers have said that to me before that day, this random woman at the grocery store saw me. yes the "innocent" is gone from my eyes, and theres less scared-little -boy-in-a-grown-woman's-body going on, but my eyes are no less the window to my soul and even in a glimpse you can see the "okay" in there. even when i dont feel so "okay."
i dont think ive mentioned the physical pain ive been dealing with fpr the past few months on here. those that know me know that ive suffered through an annual exam and a requested pelvic ultrasound in september and october respectively. fibroids run in my family. what do i have? degenerative fibroids - very painful little buggers. and after giving myself intestinal gastritis (also very painful) one glorious hospital-filled saturday with an extensive ibuprofen regimen i believe i am ready for surgery. honestly i hadnt planned on having any surgeries any time soon (with the way that finances are currently working themselves out) but, when the pain outweighs the pain - this is honestly and truly why people have health insurance. oh, but dont let me start in on that.. health ins is such a touchy subject these days. *takes a detour*
in case youre wondering how the passing with a traditionally female name on all of my accounts is going heres a little anecdote for you. i go into the bank (funny this is where i get my best stories) - my regular teller knows me, my face, and my situation - and though she sometimes forgets my preferred name.. she just asks (which is preferred). but to sign me up for the sweepstakes or whatever theyre doing at the bank she sends me over to cust. serv. rep. after pulling up my account he looks at the name and says 'ok, youre gonna have to tell me - how do you pronouce your name' - because clearly this dude's name is just a funky spelling and even though it looks like a girl's name itll sound masculine if you say it. my response, 'no, its pronounced ******... dont worry, im going to change my name.' he then proceeds to ask if i had one picked out, if id talked to my parents, and even made a small joke about them naming me that 'like, c'mon guys' kinda thing.. i was amused. very.. very.. amused. im sure it was awkward for him. funny thing.. i even let him see my license and Yes folks.. his eyes skimmed right past the "F." /shrug. i was pleased. and TONs less uncomfortable (double negative, i know.. ) than i was when something similar happened a month or two prior. *smile* and thus we grow.
thats a lot of the super major stuff. ill have to get into this "discovering your sexuality" thing later.. My issue is.. im 27 years old..i shouldnt have to "discover" my sexuality.. i should know by now.. .. .. right. let us not forget what puberty was like.. at least what i hear it was like. i dont remember my first one very well. and beyond that little hiccup in the 6th grade there wasnt a TON of struggle for me cause i liked girls. i didnt really see anything different about it. at this point i chalk that up to feeling like a boy even then. whats strange is that now that i am recognizing ...often.. lol my attraction to boys - i think it strange. talk about confusing.. im sure ill be able to explain this better later.. when im NOT in the middle of it..
xo - until next time - ox
Raymond III
...that rocks. even just the beginning of last year i would not have thought id be right here, right now. i think ive gone over the words on my license in my head several times just today.. i guess in an effort to let it sink it. but also in an effort to understand just exactly what it is im supposed to be doing. now some things i know. and amazingly some of them come pretty natural. speaking to a crowd about how great God is, casual conversation about church, sharing my experiences in transition; these are things i can do almost without thinking - and not out of habit. really drives home the meaning of being called to do something.
the humanness i feel these days though, is astounding. im not floating around disconnected from the world around me. im suddenly smack dab in the middle of it all. i still find myself sometimes watching - like im still on the outside. until someone sees me and emotes or speaks because of my presence and i realize that im not so invisible anymore. they see me and it really is me that they see. for example: i step up to the line at the grocery store the other day and the woman in front of me in line glances in my direction - just because i walked up. for a split second my eyes met hers; after all, she was looking right at me. then while continuing to empty the items from her cart onto the conveyor she looks up at me again, pauses for a moment and says very simply "you have some pretty eyes," and continues to unload her cart without waiting for my response. of all the times that all the strangers have said that to me before that day, this random woman at the grocery store saw me. yes the "innocent" is gone from my eyes, and theres less scared-little -boy-in-a-grown-woman's-body going on, but my eyes are no less the window to my soul and even in a glimpse you can see the "okay" in there. even when i dont feel so "okay."
i dont think ive mentioned the physical pain ive been dealing with fpr the past few months on here. those that know me know that ive suffered through an annual exam and a requested pelvic ultrasound in september and october respectively. fibroids run in my family. what do i have? degenerative fibroids - very painful little buggers. and after giving myself intestinal gastritis (also very painful) one glorious hospital-filled saturday with an extensive ibuprofen regimen i believe i am ready for surgery. honestly i hadnt planned on having any surgeries any time soon (with the way that finances are currently working themselves out) but, when the pain outweighs the pain - this is honestly and truly why people have health insurance. oh, but dont let me start in on that.. health ins is such a touchy subject these days. *takes a detour*
in case youre wondering how the passing with a traditionally female name on all of my accounts is going heres a little anecdote for you. i go into the bank (funny this is where i get my best stories) - my regular teller knows me, my face, and my situation - and though she sometimes forgets my preferred name.. she just asks (which is preferred). but to sign me up for the sweepstakes or whatever theyre doing at the bank she sends me over to cust. serv. rep. after pulling up my account he looks at the name and says 'ok, youre gonna have to tell me - how do you pronouce your name' - because clearly this dude's name is just a funky spelling and even though it looks like a girl's name itll sound masculine if you say it. my response, 'no, its pronounced ******... dont worry, im going to change my name.' he then proceeds to ask if i had one picked out, if id talked to my parents, and even made a small joke about them naming me that 'like, c'mon guys' kinda thing.. i was amused. very.. very.. amused. im sure it was awkward for him. funny thing.. i even let him see my license and Yes folks.. his eyes skimmed right past the "F." /shrug. i was pleased. and TONs less uncomfortable (double negative, i know.. ) than i was when something similar happened a month or two prior. *smile* and thus we grow.
thats a lot of the super major stuff. ill have to get into this "discovering your sexuality" thing later.. My issue is.. im 27 years old..i shouldnt have to "discover" my sexuality.. i should know by now.. .. .. right. let us not forget what puberty was like.. at least what i hear it was like. i dont remember my first one very well. and beyond that little hiccup in the 6th grade there wasnt a TON of struggle for me cause i liked girls. i didnt really see anything different about it. at this point i chalk that up to feeling like a boy even then. whats strange is that now that i am recognizing ...often.. lol my attraction to boys - i think it strange. talk about confusing.. im sure ill be able to explain this better later.. when im NOT in the middle of it..
xo - until next time - ox
Raymond III
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
masochistic moments and ranting
there are just those times when you yearn for your heart to be ripped from your body and stomped on - to give you an excuse to feel so bad? - to give you a reason to cry?
i used to write. beautifully painful pieces..or just wonderfully flowery love-filled epilogues of that kind of emotion youd aliken to the thanksgiving leftovers on sunday morning.. not quite old enough to throw out but youre not sure you want to consume them either.. whomever they were about seemed to like them.. if i were to find and read any of it now im sure it would make me sick. either in the stomach or in the head.
its a given then that i dont so much write poetry anymore..prose if you will. im sure i should, but i dont. hrm.. i suppose you could liken an exegesis of biblical text to prose..without the rhyming scheme...? ha! (yes, i actually said ha aloud)
if i were to paint.. im afraid that i wouldnt use enough color.. im afraid that whatever id paint would tell too much about whats not going on inside my head.. or better yet.. how sad it might make some to realize how much it all tends to run together. people are so much more similar than they give themselves credit for...long, broad strokes to explain it all.. not that uniqueness doesnt count.. but that its not what drives me. not that i care much for uniform..just that i dont mind it very much either ;)
yes.. a bit awkward.. i know.. bear with me...i'll update for real soon.
lots going on.. very busy.. very..tired..generally.
But all is well. *smile*
Raymond
i used to write. beautifully painful pieces..or just wonderfully flowery love-filled epilogues of that kind of emotion youd aliken to the thanksgiving leftovers on sunday morning.. not quite old enough to throw out but youre not sure you want to consume them either.. whomever they were about seemed to like them.. if i were to find and read any of it now im sure it would make me sick. either in the stomach or in the head.
its a given then that i dont so much write poetry anymore..prose if you will. im sure i should, but i dont. hrm.. i suppose you could liken an exegesis of biblical text to prose..without the rhyming scheme...? ha! (yes, i actually said ha aloud)
if i were to paint.. im afraid that i wouldnt use enough color.. im afraid that whatever id paint would tell too much about whats not going on inside my head.. or better yet.. how sad it might make some to realize how much it all tends to run together. people are so much more similar than they give themselves credit for...long, broad strokes to explain it all.. not that uniqueness doesnt count.. but that its not what drives me. not that i care much for uniform..just that i dont mind it very much either ;)
yes.. a bit awkward.. i know.. bear with me...i'll update for real soon.
lots going on.. very busy.. very..tired..generally.
But all is well. *smile*
Raymond
Friday, August 7, 2009
happy t-day to me!
one year. thats CRAZY! and wooow a lot has changed. i'll see what i can do about posting a pre-t pic and 1-year-t pic side-by-side. granted it might make me wanna hurl. itll be better than video though. i still dont watch my first video on youtube...the last time i heard my voice from back then i freaked out a little bit. lol the last time my girl said she watched that video (tsk tsk tsk) she cried *shakes head* - lol aint nobody told her to go out on youtube and watch that! lol.
the doors have been opening for me spiritually which is something that i was blocked from prior to acceptance of my real self, and that has been an amazing experience. i remember describing it like this: feeling like i was trapped inside of a cage inside myself. at first i was just trapped there..hopeless not really trying to get out - not knowing what "out" was. but when i realized that i was there, and i was stuck.. all i wanted was to get out.. and just like a baby.. i came out to my girl - in the fetal position, on the floor at the foot of my bed, crying and confused. about eight months later (one year ago today) i hit puberty.. talk about the fast track to "growing up." and ive been bustin my butt trying to grow into a grown man since. which was actually a little difficult in the beginning cause i felt so immature../shrug (puberty feels like that).
in my head im still not the "grown ass man" i look like on the outside.. but as long as im aware of that and i control myself and my attitude accordingly, ill be alright. im still figuring out this male-male relationship stuff which is pretty complicated.. probably because of homophobia, societal standards, etc. i notice relationships with transmen are a little easier but probably because theyve previously experienced the same kind of trouble...maybe?
many things are still changing and i know that they will continue to change. its just extra cool to stop and "smell the roses" i guess when you get to a milestone like this. almost like.. hard work and perseverance really does pay off, huh? lol yes. yes it certainly does. and it aint easy - by a loooong shot. but ive got to play the hand i was dealt - cause no one else can play it for me. (a saying stolen from dad.. with a little rwiii twist to the end.) lol and like my sister once told me in college - if it were easy, everyone would do it. and clearly everyone does NOT do this.
it may have taken year (ok maybe shorter), but no more beating up on myself, no more hiding and acting as-if cause frankly i dont have to. ive never had to (epiphany?) - but realizing this only now.. get over the fact that i did - figure out what im going to do NOW - and keep it pushin. this is how it is today.. much different from that caged hopeless little boy i was - cause now im free! and tons more comfortable just being me. some of the body parts, the paperwork, family, friends, ministry, externals ..these things will all get handled and fall into place at their appointed time. and i will/wont be happy about it all as i go. but just for today.. ive got me. and the me that ive got on the inside looks SO much more like the me that im seeing on the outside.. that on a day when i dont have to pull out my driver's license, or pay a bill.. i dont feel the disconnect anymore...and im ok. i like that.
rwiii (pronouced R. W. 3)
thank you for reading and checkin in on me on my t-day!
Raymond III
the doors have been opening for me spiritually which is something that i was blocked from prior to acceptance of my real self, and that has been an amazing experience. i remember describing it like this: feeling like i was trapped inside of a cage inside myself. at first i was just trapped there..hopeless not really trying to get out - not knowing what "out" was. but when i realized that i was there, and i was stuck.. all i wanted was to get out.. and just like a baby.. i came out to my girl - in the fetal position, on the floor at the foot of my bed, crying and confused. about eight months later (one year ago today) i hit puberty.. talk about the fast track to "growing up." and ive been bustin my butt trying to grow into a grown man since. which was actually a little difficult in the beginning cause i felt so immature../shrug (puberty feels like that).
in my head im still not the "grown ass man" i look like on the outside.. but as long as im aware of that and i control myself and my attitude accordingly, ill be alright. im still figuring out this male-male relationship stuff which is pretty complicated.. probably because of homophobia, societal standards, etc. i notice relationships with transmen are a little easier but probably because theyve previously experienced the same kind of trouble...maybe?
many things are still changing and i know that they will continue to change. its just extra cool to stop and "smell the roses" i guess when you get to a milestone like this. almost like.. hard work and perseverance really does pay off, huh? lol yes. yes it certainly does. and it aint easy - by a loooong shot. but ive got to play the hand i was dealt - cause no one else can play it for me. (a saying stolen from dad.. with a little rwiii twist to the end.) lol and like my sister once told me in college - if it were easy, everyone would do it. and clearly everyone does NOT do this.
it may have taken year (ok maybe shorter), but no more beating up on myself, no more hiding and acting as-if cause frankly i dont have to. ive never had to (epiphany?) - but realizing this only now.. get over the fact that i did - figure out what im going to do NOW - and keep it pushin. this is how it is today.. much different from that caged hopeless little boy i was - cause now im free! and tons more comfortable just being me. some of the body parts, the paperwork, family, friends, ministry, externals ..these things will all get handled and fall into place at their appointed time. and i will/wont be happy about it all as i go. but just for today.. ive got me. and the me that ive got on the inside looks SO much more like the me that im seeing on the outside.. that on a day when i dont have to pull out my driver's license, or pay a bill.. i dont feel the disconnect anymore...and im ok. i like that.
rwiii (pronouced R. W. 3)
thank you for reading and checkin in on me on my t-day!
Raymond III
Thursday, July 30, 2009
ive been...
so many things have been happening i hardly know where to begin. seems the last time i wrote was May.. and its almost August already. since then ive been sick twice, driven to both North and South Carolina on separate occasions, and had both Convocation and a family reunion... quite a lot in just two months. been a bit MORE than busy. generally feeling.. ok... if you average it all out. lately though ive been feeling rather low affect.. kind of on the sad side. now that i think of it im starting to think its the medication the neurologist and the ear/nose/throat doctor have me taking. its nice to not have dizzy spells, but im not very.. happy. and if its the medicine thats doing it.. and making my feet tingle, and making me see trails occasionally.. id rather be dizzy. not that i LIKE the idea of falling over at work but i dont know if the way im feeling is exactly worth it to me. its almost like being depressed like i was in college.. except without the suicidal ideology i had back then... either way its not ok.
then again.. what if its not the medicine and im just sad.. what really do i have to be sad about.. nothing. so whats my problem? no idea... im agrivated cause my stomach burns no matter what i eat/drink/do. im bummed cause no matter how much sleep i "get" im still sleepy and tired everyday.
one foot, in front of the other.. one foot in front of the other.. just keep putting one foot...
no patience for typing changes...sad huh?
i'll post some pictures soon k?
then again.. what if its not the medicine and im just sad.. what really do i have to be sad about.. nothing. so whats my problem? no idea... im agrivated cause my stomach burns no matter what i eat/drink/do. im bummed cause no matter how much sleep i "get" im still sleepy and tired everyday.
one foot, in front of the other.. one foot in front of the other.. just keep putting one foot...
no patience for typing changes...sad huh?
i'll post some pictures soon k?
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
mane go bye bye
ive gone and cut it all off yo...but its ok...i think i feel.. better. i did a vlog a little about it too on youtube.. its crazy. i didnt think id cut it this soon, but its all gone. i havent told anyone that hasnt seen it.. besides my moms (both of them). my dad saw me today and all he said was 'i thought Chill was going to be the only bald one' (my dog.. whose hair i still havent gotten cut btw). ive kept my hair of course. cant go just throwing your locs away ya know? ive still got to mail Twee away to her rightful owner.. lol. she was the loc right up front that fell in my face constantly from birth. belongs to my best guy from college.i look like.. just some guy these days.. thats pretty rad. its only been what.. 9 months and 3 weeks since i started hrt.. friggin amazing! (Peter Griffin style)
HAD to write a little about this and post a couple pics. there will be more to come.. after all... i FINALLY really reallly dig how i look. and not ONLY cause other people dig it.. but cause I dig it too. And that is a wonderful thing.LoL.. my sister saw this picture and was like 'you think you sexy' .. i was like.. not sexy exactly, but i DO think i look good. LoL.. i got it honest.. my mom's that way.
love it!
changes:
-im growing a bit of a "beard" - or rather the hairs under my chin that are long enough for me to pull on. this is cool..plus ive got the shadow of where the hair will grow. ive gotta start shaving again and im sure itll come in.
-its become easier to get the manboobs to "go away" for longer periods of time without having to adjust and reassess the situation
-apparently using an stp is not like riding a bike.. my left hand has totally forgotten how to get this done quickly and efficiently so even though I got my stp built this weekend..i havent used a urinal again yet. *grumble grumble* lol
-i realize that i could walk around like a flaming queen and with this haircut i probably would still be called 'he'.. at least by anyone who wasnt gay.. cause clearly when gay males think youre gay its ok to call you "she," "girl," and "Miss Honey." Lol... sorry, inside joke with the wife. (i think she'll appreciate it *wink*)
-i have muscle spasms sometimes in my legs that can be quite painful. ..i should probably drink more water and stretch more often. ...some advice prettyboicris gave me once that i just havent done.. and sadly, im JUST realizing.
-ive grown a lot.. neck size, muscles, etc.. and i never took measurements. i dont know that im extremely bothered by this. i mean, at least i have a few pictures. but i see now what my Danny meant when he said that i should take a lot of pictures and measurements. hes much better at tracking this stuff that ive been. i still havent even gotten a tape measure...
ok.. i should be working.. ive been extremely distractable lately...
later...
-Ray
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
faster than a speeding bullet
life has been happening way faster than i am able to document. i can only start with the more recent events and work my way back. pardon the length of this post...whether too long or too short. i dont know if ill have the heart to write about it all.. also pardon that a lot of this may not be trans-related.. granted there are some really cool parts being taken unmistakably as male...
april 20 2009 my nephew, Ryan Justin Clark was born at 4:19pm weighing 1.5lbs after only 23 weeks of development. he died april 20 2009 at 5:25pm. i saw him being born.. it wasnt like one of the happy and
wonderful birth days you see on television. we knew he wasnt going to make it. after the crying and the screaming that i still cant quite get out of my head i was able to hold my second nephew before he passed. so little. so light. hes gone to be with our maker..he is a lucky fellow. but we mourn. i can hardly imagine what my sister is feeling, despite being there for it all. its kind of amazing how much you can miss someone you didnt even get to know. i guess what i miss is the opportunity to get to know him...
- at the hospital when asked who i was my eldest sister called me her little brother.
- later when going through the room hugging everyone the nurse called me uncle.
...bittersweet memories...of a painfully sad time...
april 19 2009 my sister called me and asked me to come get my nephew, so she could go to the hospital. the above story explains how that hospital trip ended up. my sister was in relatively high spirits that day though, despite the pain she was in. when getting ready to leave with my
nephew she told him to go get his CD and "maybe Uncle Ray will play it for you in the car." i tried not to act surprised - still dont know if i succeeded. i probably left her house with a big grin on my face. ..again with the bittersweet...
despite whatever else i have to write about im sure it will have a bit of a somber tone since im still kinda sad..almost quilted with the past few days.
went fishing recently with my aunt. that was a fun trip. leaving mcdonalds that morning a gentleman i held the door for replied 'thank you, sir.' (people are extremely polite here at times.) we fished in a small pond in the front yard of some lady's house my aunt knows. we didnt catch anything big enough to bring home for dinner but we had a good time catching the small catfish and throwing them back. my aunt introduced me to the owner of the pond as Ray - despite calling me the other name the rest of the time. *grumble grumble* at this point i only answer out of habit.. soon enough im sure that will go away. probably as soon as all the bill collectors hop on board. lol.
interesting psychological tidbits:
..a couple of weeks ago i found myself kinda wondering if i would ever have the feeling of being a not-so-unusual male. if i would ever feel a part of. with my psychosocial history ive always had a problem feeling like i belonged.. like i was a part of the greater whole. and for a minute there i was actually worried.. that physical transition wouldnt be enough. that there was nothing i could do on/to the outside to make myself really feel at home.
..today i feel a bit differently about this. i realize today that the feelings i had a couple weeks ago could have been caused by a lapse in my perceived ability to "pass." a second ago i was trying to think of "labels" for this post and i thought well..most guys call some of this stuff passing. but today i would call it reality. im living in the reality that is myself - both on the outside and the inside. its a nice place to live. maybe ill label it 'living' ...opinions?
people at work are getting it right. most people just dont use pronouns.. and in a lot of cases, they arent needed. the guys that intentionally respond with ma'am? or sir? ..theyre getting it right. that is a great place to live too.. or work rather ;)
changes:
-im breaking out again. maybe its the stress...
-ive got hairs on my chin - that continue to spread. i dont think anyone notices them but me. lol
also ive got the same mustache as my 16 year old cousin, but its noticeable... maybe i should shave it again.. just for good measure. it appears to have halted in growing anyhow.
-little guys grows with pumping. i just dont have the dedication that some of my homeboys have. lol. granted i should...
-my eyebrows have filled out. very masculine. i love it.
-im living as male now like i never thought possible...generally not mistaken for female - and when i am they just look stupid cause i have a crazy deep voice (you can hear it on my youtube - raydubiii).
non-T related change:
i got glasses... I CAN SEE!!! lol. not that i couldnt see before - just that my left eye was doing all the work (apparently). with glasses my right eye gets to do some work too. ;) the glasses may or may not be in the next vid.. we shall see. Tee thinks theyre hot.. lol. /shrug.
ok im done...
Ray
april 20 2009 my nephew, Ryan Justin Clark was born at 4:19pm weighing 1.5lbs after only 23 weeks of development. he died april 20 2009 at 5:25pm. i saw him being born.. it wasnt like one of the happy and
wonderful birth days you see on television. we knew he wasnt going to make it. after the crying and the screaming that i still cant quite get out of my head i was able to hold my second nephew before he passed. so little. so light. hes gone to be with our maker..he is a lucky fellow. but we mourn. i can hardly imagine what my sister is feeling, despite being there for it all. its kind of amazing how much you can miss someone you didnt even get to know. i guess what i miss is the opportunity to get to know him...- at the hospital when asked who i was my eldest sister called me her little brother.
- later when going through the room hugging everyone the nurse called me uncle.
...bittersweet memories...of a painfully sad time...
april 19 2009 my sister called me and asked me to come get my nephew, so she could go to the hospital. the above story explains how that hospital trip ended up. my sister was in relatively high spirits that day though, despite the pain she was in. when getting ready to leave with my
nephew she told him to go get his CD and "maybe Uncle Ray will play it for you in the car." i tried not to act surprised - still dont know if i succeeded. i probably left her house with a big grin on my face. ..again with the bittersweet...despite whatever else i have to write about im sure it will have a bit of a somber tone since im still kinda sad..almost quilted with the past few days.
went fishing recently with my aunt. that was a fun trip. leaving mcdonalds that morning a gentleman i held the door for replied 'thank you, sir.' (people are extremely polite here at times.) we fished in a small pond in the front yard of some lady's house my aunt knows. we didnt catch anything big enough to bring home for dinner but we had a good time catching the small catfish and throwing them back. my aunt introduced me to the owner of the pond as Ray - despite calling me the other name the rest of the time. *grumble grumble* at this point i only answer out of habit.. soon enough im sure that will go away. probably as soon as all the bill collectors hop on board. lol.
interesting psychological tidbits:
..a couple of weeks ago i found myself kinda wondering if i would ever have the feeling of being a not-so-unusual male. if i would ever feel a part of. with my psychosocial history ive always had a problem feeling like i belonged.. like i was a part of the greater whole. and for a minute there i was actually worried.. that physical transition wouldnt be enough. that there was nothing i could do on/to the outside to make myself really feel at home.
..today i feel a bit differently about this. i realize today that the feelings i had a couple weeks ago could have been caused by a lapse in my perceived ability to "pass." a second ago i was trying to think of "labels" for this post and i thought well..most guys call some of this stuff passing. but today i would call it reality. im living in the reality that is myself - both on the outside and the inside. its a nice place to live. maybe ill label it 'living' ...opinions?
people at work are getting it right. most people just dont use pronouns.. and in a lot of cases, they arent needed. the guys that intentionally respond with ma'am? or sir? ..theyre getting it right. that is a great place to live too.. or work rather ;)
changes:
-im breaking out again. maybe its the stress...
-ive got hairs on my chin - that continue to spread. i dont think anyone notices them but me. lol
also ive got the same mustache as my 16 year old cousin, but its noticeable... maybe i should shave it again.. just for good measure. it appears to have halted in growing anyhow.
-little guys grows with pumping. i just dont have the dedication that some of my homeboys have. lol. granted i should...
-my eyebrows have filled out. very masculine. i love it.
-im living as male now like i never thought possible...generally not mistaken for female - and when i am they just look stupid cause i have a crazy deep voice (you can hear it on my youtube - raydubiii).
non-T related change:
i got glasses... I CAN SEE!!! lol. not that i couldnt see before - just that my left eye was doing all the work (apparently). with glasses my right eye gets to do some work too. ;) the glasses may or may not be in the next vid.. we shall see. Tee thinks theyre hot.. lol. /shrug.
ok im done...
Ray
Saturday, March 28, 2009
being a dude...
so now i can be a dude everywhere that i go. even work.. i like that.
id went to LA last week. Tee bought me a ticket last month. it was WONDERFUL. i saw my Danny. oh how i missed him. lol funny thing.. ive got more of a mustache than he does. lol as a fairly yellow black man though.. its just easier to see on me. i also got to see all my friends from college...that was pretty cool. took a cake at late nite and at the catch on sunday... gave my homegirl a cake on saturday at a womens meeting. a few of the ladies there were confused as to why i didnt take a cake. i took the opportunity at sizzler afterward to hip them to the game.. why, if i want to be accepted as a man, would i take a cake at a womens stag (meeting)? ...right. lol
changes:
:) little dude rises and swells when er uuh.. hes happy. lol interesting...and i LOVE it.
:) i still have one lone, long chest hair.. but he is now accompanied by other shorter chest hairs
:) my leg hair has a good length on it. its not completely full, but its getting there. im actually surprised, but i like the way it feels when i lay down in bed. (this is completely strange cause i hate the feeling of their being something - like crumbs or small objects - in my bed.)
:) my voice is amazing - ill try to make a video today.
:) ive got chin hair. it actually stretches across my chin to the sides too. and tiny sideburns. its all very short hair.. but i dont have to shave for work anymore so we get to see that all grow out now. *big smile*
:) though there was a little time in there where i wasnt as horny.. its come back again and im like a 14 year old boy. its all good though.. weve been working that out at the house. ;)
i think maybe ive covered it all...
Raymond III
id went to LA last week. Tee bought me a ticket last month. it was WONDERFUL. i saw my Danny. oh how i missed him. lol funny thing.. ive got more of a mustache than he does. lol as a fairly yellow black man though.. its just easier to see on me. i also got to see all my friends from college...that was pretty cool. took a cake at late nite and at the catch on sunday... gave my homegirl a cake on saturday at a womens meeting. a few of the ladies there were confused as to why i didnt take a cake. i took the opportunity at sizzler afterward to hip them to the game.. why, if i want to be accepted as a man, would i take a cake at a womens stag (meeting)? ...right. lol
changes:
:) little dude rises and swells when er uuh.. hes happy. lol interesting...and i LOVE it.
:) i still have one lone, long chest hair.. but he is now accompanied by other shorter chest hairs
:) my leg hair has a good length on it. its not completely full, but its getting there. im actually surprised, but i like the way it feels when i lay down in bed. (this is completely strange cause i hate the feeling of their being something - like crumbs or small objects - in my bed.)
:) my voice is amazing - ill try to make a video today.
:) ive got chin hair. it actually stretches across my chin to the sides too. and tiny sideburns. its all very short hair.. but i dont have to shave for work anymore so we get to see that all grow out now. *big smile*
:) though there was a little time in there where i wasnt as horny.. its come back again and im like a 14 year old boy. its all good though.. weve been working that out at the house. ;)
i think maybe ive covered it all...
Raymond III
Thursday, March 26, 2009
out at work
as of yesterday 3/25/09 i am officially completely irrevocably OUT at work.
*confetti and balloons fall from the top of my skull throughout my body*
that was certainly fast. after the whole talk with my personal HR representative (i only call her that cause i like her so much..lol) there was about a one month delay of nothingness. i wasnt worried per se.. i was sure we would get down to business at some point. on 3/11 i was given a deadline by which time i was supposed to have talked to my manager. despite what i was thinking i talked to him that day. took a trip to california 3/19 - 3/23 and returned to work with a policy change plan and an immediate request for a meeting with HR. my rep was like.. essentially we want to get all of this done by the end of the week. this was tuesday. uum.. ok, sure.
i met with my rep and the VP of HR. i reviewed the company-wide email that was to be sent out and the new Non-Discrimination policy which now included Gender Identity...sweet. it included workplace expectations on pronoun usage (male pronouns effective immediately), restroom usage (use of male restrooms effective immediately), and rights to privacy (dont think you can ask me all types of stupid weird shit cause im the only tran person you know - you might be fired). we even talked about health care as they want to be able to provide wellness for me and keep me employeed while i leave for surgery(ies?). amazingness. (i know its not a word..lol).
my Executive VP wanted to deliver the news to my team personally as an expression of his support.. (would make me teary-eyed if i could squeeze more than a mini-tear out these days). i got a call tuesday afternoon that my EVP wouldnt be available thursday or friday so that the meeting would be the next day (wednesday). ooh! lol ok.
nervous and a bit scared i spent a LOT of time in my HR ladys office yesterday. had a bit of a time concentrating on work too. it turned out ok in the end.. a couple of people at work came to me to express their support...one guy even congratulated me. :) good stuff. all good stuff.
i can tell who is uncomfortable about it.. and i expected it. /shrug. such is life. i do good work.. and they have to work with me so... at some point theyll get over it.. or they wont and itll just suck for them. ;)
anyway.. feelin pretty good about that. i dont know that ill use the large mens room during busy times.. at least not until ive got a new/functioning stp but..i could if wanted. AND i dont have to shave anymore! im stoked. lol!
theres so much other stuff going on ..but nothing as exciting at this. :)
back soon...
Raymond
*confetti and balloons fall from the top of my skull throughout my body*
that was certainly fast. after the whole talk with my personal HR representative (i only call her that cause i like her so much..lol) there was about a one month delay of nothingness. i wasnt worried per se.. i was sure we would get down to business at some point. on 3/11 i was given a deadline by which time i was supposed to have talked to my manager. despite what i was thinking i talked to him that day. took a trip to california 3/19 - 3/23 and returned to work with a policy change plan and an immediate request for a meeting with HR. my rep was like.. essentially we want to get all of this done by the end of the week. this was tuesday. uum.. ok, sure.
i met with my rep and the VP of HR. i reviewed the company-wide email that was to be sent out and the new Non-Discrimination policy which now included Gender Identity...sweet. it included workplace expectations on pronoun usage (male pronouns effective immediately), restroom usage (use of male restrooms effective immediately), and rights to privacy (dont think you can ask me all types of stupid weird shit cause im the only tran person you know - you might be fired). we even talked about health care as they want to be able to provide wellness for me and keep me employeed while i leave for surgery(ies?). amazingness. (i know its not a word..lol).
my Executive VP wanted to deliver the news to my team personally as an expression of his support.. (would make me teary-eyed if i could squeeze more than a mini-tear out these days). i got a call tuesday afternoon that my EVP wouldnt be available thursday or friday so that the meeting would be the next day (wednesday). ooh! lol ok.
nervous and a bit scared i spent a LOT of time in my HR ladys office yesterday. had a bit of a time concentrating on work too. it turned out ok in the end.. a couple of people at work came to me to express their support...one guy even congratulated me. :) good stuff. all good stuff.
i can tell who is uncomfortable about it.. and i expected it. /shrug. such is life. i do good work.. and they have to work with me so... at some point theyll get over it.. or they wont and itll just suck for them. ;)
anyway.. feelin pretty good about that. i dont know that ill use the large mens room during busy times.. at least not until ive got a new/functioning stp but..i could if wanted. AND i dont have to shave anymore! im stoked. lol!
theres so much other stuff going on ..but nothing as exciting at this. :)
back soon...
Raymond
Thursday, March 12, 2009
deflated bitersweet joys
i had good news to share yesterday and the excitement kinda seeped out of me. despite still laying on the sidewalk airless ill divulge.
i talked to my immediate manager yesterday afternoon. told him that i ID'd as male and plan on transitioning etc. my suspicion that he already knew was confirmed. he did in fact notice the waitress in the restaurant address me as male and was only concerned at the reaction of the other two people at the table. that explains the look on his face. it wasnt confusion, it wasnt disdain, it was seeking.. but not in my direction. clearly we both knew the waitress knew what she was talking about. funny. i didnt bring up the bowling incident. he did mention however that he thought i ID'd as male my first day of work when i straighted out the whole name thing. whats pretty great about the meeting we had is that he actually addressed me as he after i told him, then was like.. 'well to not cause confusion for now we will say she' -- apparently, much like myself and my HR lady he's ready to move on with the process too. im amused... and a lot less worried than before - being that ive got that 200 lb weight off my neck.
i wonder how the feelings seep through the writing. is it the word choice.. the half elipses.. the knowing me in real life that does it? what is it about the way i write that gives it all away. h-ll what is it about the way i walk, talk, look, listen, feel that gives all my other secrets away for that matter. not that it concerns me.. giving these things away.. ive got to learn how to be an open book.. or something like that they say... but what is it.
being a recovering addict youd think id learn to not trust the first.. i dunno.. 16 thoughts that jump up in my mind to do. its clear however, that when youre not working a program it doesnt matter how often someone has told you 'your mind is for entertainment purposes only' youre still gonna do stupid isht... problem is.. when youre clean you have to live with the circumstances. and like a rowdy selfish child i want to be mad at the world cause i broke my toys.. 'too f-ckin bad' mom says. 'and im not buying you a new one either. deal.' and so i shall. just that these days theres really only so much dealing that can be done.
ive been taking suggestions.. 4 meetings/week.. letting people know im available as a sponsor.. journaling at night.. reading just 4 today in the morning.. and its going ok. just.. keep.. going. and apparently itll keep me sane.. or something like that they tell me. im sick. i know im sick.. at least im working on it. at least im willing to work on it.
...almost forgot.. ive got hair on me face! *stewie-griffin-callused-fingers-playing-banjo-style* ... ... and can only be so excited about it. ...damn.
Raymond
i talked to my immediate manager yesterday afternoon. told him that i ID'd as male and plan on transitioning etc. my suspicion that he already knew was confirmed. he did in fact notice the waitress in the restaurant address me as male and was only concerned at the reaction of the other two people at the table. that explains the look on his face. it wasnt confusion, it wasnt disdain, it was seeking.. but not in my direction. clearly we both knew the waitress knew what she was talking about. funny. i didnt bring up the bowling incident. he did mention however that he thought i ID'd as male my first day of work when i straighted out the whole name thing. whats pretty great about the meeting we had is that he actually addressed me as he after i told him, then was like.. 'well to not cause confusion for now we will say she' -- apparently, much like myself and my HR lady he's ready to move on with the process too. im amused... and a lot less worried than before - being that ive got that 200 lb weight off my neck.
i wonder how the feelings seep through the writing. is it the word choice.. the half elipses.. the knowing me in real life that does it? what is it about the way i write that gives it all away. h-ll what is it about the way i walk, talk, look, listen, feel that gives all my other secrets away for that matter. not that it concerns me.. giving these things away.. ive got to learn how to be an open book.. or something like that they say... but what is it.
being a recovering addict youd think id learn to not trust the first.. i dunno.. 16 thoughts that jump up in my mind to do. its clear however, that when youre not working a program it doesnt matter how often someone has told you 'your mind is for entertainment purposes only' youre still gonna do stupid isht... problem is.. when youre clean you have to live with the circumstances. and like a rowdy selfish child i want to be mad at the world cause i broke my toys.. 'too f-ckin bad' mom says. 'and im not buying you a new one either. deal.' and so i shall. just that these days theres really only so much dealing that can be done.
ive been taking suggestions.. 4 meetings/week.. letting people know im available as a sponsor.. journaling at night.. reading just 4 today in the morning.. and its going ok. just.. keep.. going. and apparently itll keep me sane.. or something like that they tell me. im sick. i know im sick.. at least im working on it. at least im willing to work on it.
...almost forgot.. ive got hair on me face! *stewie-griffin-callused-fingers-playing-banjo-style* ... ... and can only be so excited about it. ...damn.
Raymond
Monday, March 2, 2009
type it...
laying in bed not quite ready to go. probably because of the crazy nap i took this evening. ill still sleep soon...
yesterday was my 3 year anniversary. thats a lot of clean time.. for me anyway. i walked into.. ok.. i RAN into a meeting friday night. a speaker meetings.. and ended up telling my story. i hadnt done that in quite a while. it was good for me. needed even. made the stroke of midnight all the more sweeter as i reached the very day i went to my first AA meeting. i dont discriminate with fellowships, i mix them all in my daily life.. even though i try to respect them as separate since it seems so important to them all LoL. im not hard pressed.. i never had to put down the cocaine to have a drink.. i just did it all at once.. my recovery works in much the same way ;)
some very special people came to my celebration on saturday. events like that is how you know who has your back no matter what. no, thats not a blow to anyone that didnt come, just extra appreciation to the people who did. a guy thats like an uncle to me was there and hes not in the program. i just call him randomly and tell him about my special events and he shows up. i love it! i have dependable people in my life today. h-ll im still working on being dependable myself. LoL.. i know, i know.. im my own worst critic...
its Lent. ive never celebrated Lent before. its exciting and scary and all the emotions between. i have committment issues. not as far as my relationship is concerned per se. but as far as committing to other things.. i just end up half-ssing stuff at times.. or i just stop showing up. this will be 40 days of me NOT giving up. its like.. if i break Lent (fail - in my head) then what does that mean or what does that say about me .. and if i succeed what does that say mean going forward.. ? i know thats one of the points of Lent.. i guess its just .. lol.. ive never done it. thats all.
i dont think i elaborted on how wonderful my trip to NC was.. i dont think i have the words. i just know that when a person youve never met before can see and describe to you in detail what your annointing looks like.. then you better take some steps to live in it. this is what im trying to do. and in doing it i gotta bring ALL of me to the table. my authentic self. no leaving small parts of me outside in the rain.. or snow as it were.
Yes it snowed in Atlanta today, and it was lovely. Not sure what the school/work schedule will look like tomorrow.. but today we had fun playing in it.. Tee, D, and I.. along with a houseguest we have. We made snow queen.. aww geez.. ill edit this blog and post a pic as soon as i can. LoL.. its good stuff ;)
*edit* here's pictures of our snow queen! woohoo!
ok.. SLEEP.. its whats for dinner...
Raymond
yesterday was my 3 year anniversary. thats a lot of clean time.. for me anyway. i walked into.. ok.. i RAN into a meeting friday night. a speaker meetings.. and ended up telling my story. i hadnt done that in quite a while. it was good for me. needed even. made the stroke of midnight all the more sweeter as i reached the very day i went to my first AA meeting. i dont discriminate with fellowships, i mix them all in my daily life.. even though i try to respect them as separate since it seems so important to them all LoL. im not hard pressed.. i never had to put down the cocaine to have a drink.. i just did it all at once.. my recovery works in much the same way ;)
some very special people came to my celebration on saturday. events like that is how you know who has your back no matter what. no, thats not a blow to anyone that didnt come, just extra appreciation to the people who did. a guy thats like an uncle to me was there and hes not in the program. i just call him randomly and tell him about my special events and he shows up. i love it! i have dependable people in my life today. h-ll im still working on being dependable myself. LoL.. i know, i know.. im my own worst critic...
its Lent. ive never celebrated Lent before. its exciting and scary and all the emotions between. i have committment issues. not as far as my relationship is concerned per se. but as far as committing to other things.. i just end up half-ssing stuff at times.. or i just stop showing up. this will be 40 days of me NOT giving up. its like.. if i break Lent (fail - in my head) then what does that mean or what does that say about me .. and if i succeed what does that say mean going forward.. ? i know thats one of the points of Lent.. i guess its just .. lol.. ive never done it. thats all.
i dont think i elaborted on how wonderful my trip to NC was.. i dont think i have the words. i just know that when a person youve never met before can see and describe to you in detail what your annointing looks like.. then you better take some steps to live in it. this is what im trying to do. and in doing it i gotta bring ALL of me to the table. my authentic self. no leaving small parts of me outside in the rain.. or snow as it were.
Yes it snowed in Atlanta today, and it was lovely. Not sure what the school/work schedule will look like tomorrow.. but today we had fun playing in it.. Tee, D, and I.. along with a houseguest we have. We made snow queen.. aww geez.. ill edit this blog and post a pic as soon as i can. LoL.. its good stuff ;)
*edit* here's pictures of our snow queen! woohoo!
ok.. SLEEP.. its whats for dinner...
Raymond
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
the entertainment...
ok.. i know its the middle of my workday... but i HAD to tell... EVERYBODY about this..
phone rings.. some 678 number thats not in my phone.. i answer. broad on the phone is like 'can i speak to *birthname* Walker please?' i ask who it is.. she gives me her name.. i ask where shes calling from 'CIO' or something like that.. and she repeats 'im looking for *birthname* Walker' i scoff under my breath and ask what its regarding. she asks 'is this still a good number to reach *birthname* Walker?' im disgusted at this point cause she just keeps SAYING it! so i go.. 'yeah, its me its me.. ' she cuts me off and says 'this is *birthname* Walker?' to which i reply 'yeah, yeah.. call me Ray' ..quite irritated at this point, but im still trying to be nice.. after all this poor woman on the phone does NOT know who shes called. she says 'Ray? *pause* ok sir, thank you' and hangs up the phone.
f-ckin SWEET! in that kinda silly way that i enjoy screwin up people's heads and preconceived notions about gender.. lol AND in that way that im tired of dealing with creditors.. LoL..
so this kinda explains how come the other day Tee was up and like 'we gotta get your name changed' *big smile*
ok.. i gotta get back to work.
lovin it...
Raymond
phone rings.. some 678 number thats not in my phone.. i answer. broad on the phone is like 'can i speak to *birthname* Walker please?' i ask who it is.. she gives me her name.. i ask where shes calling from 'CIO' or something like that.. and she repeats 'im looking for *birthname* Walker' i scoff under my breath and ask what its regarding. she asks 'is this still a good number to reach *birthname* Walker?' im disgusted at this point cause she just keeps SAYING it! so i go.. 'yeah, its me its me.. ' she cuts me off and says 'this is *birthname* Walker?' to which i reply 'yeah, yeah.. call me Ray' ..quite irritated at this point, but im still trying to be nice.. after all this poor woman on the phone does NOT know who shes called. she says 'Ray? *pause* ok sir, thank you' and hangs up the phone.
f-ckin SWEET! in that kinda silly way that i enjoy screwin up people's heads and preconceived notions about gender.. lol AND in that way that im tired of dealing with creditors.. LoL..
so this kinda explains how come the other day Tee was up and like 'we gotta get your name changed' *big smile*
ok.. i gotta get back to work.
lovin it...
Raymond
Thursday, February 19, 2009
bringing it back
i gotta get back on my grind. i havent been writing as much.. but that certainly doesnt mean life hasnt been moving as fast as ever. its certainly going.. sometimes i wish i knew where.. other times im just happy to be along for the ride.
right now im laying in a bed at the Days Inn in Charlotte, NC. my pastor and i are in town for a Leadership Retreat. ive never been at something like this. its going to be interesting im sure.. at the VERY least. ..but im happy to be here.
i posted a video the other day. its kinda sad, but im actually proud to have done it.. itd been 2 months since the last one and i hadnt intended on waiting that long to post another. glad i got that one out. i didnt talk about it in depth but.. despite what i wanted to do.. i shaved the other day. i got insecure about my mustache and people at work. i hate that i felt that way, but i was up late one night.. and the details of everything got to me.. i cleaned the kitchen, baked/ate cookies (im obsessed), and shaved my precious mustache off. i cut myself in the process. i dont even know why i was up so late in the d-mn bathroom starring at myself anyway. i found myself afraid that someone would notice and i would end up having that conversation with someone before HR is ready for me to have that conversation with..everyone. ...i dunno. what i DO know is that i gotta let that sh-t go.. cause im covered.. and i KNOW im covered. i just gotta start acting like im covered. believing im covered..like for real.
i really need to get to sleep.. we have a long day tomorrow at the conference. and i gotta see if i can get myself to just quietly fall asleep. ;)
wait! ok.. i went to the doctor today. my primary care physician that i started seeing when i moved back here in 2006 so... from before. id told him about my transitioning etc and he was supportive.. i guess i underestimate some people... there are med students doing residency at his office. today i got probably the coolest guy i could have imagined for myself. he was just good. good at talking to me about stuff i didnt want to talk about.. good at making me feel comfortable..great with addressing me properly.. just good. i loved it. the lady who looked at the..er uuh.. lower stuff i had going on was actually pretty cool too.. she didnt use pronouns at all.. cause from the looks of it.. i think i confused her to high heavens at first... /shrug. when i told her i needed her to take a look she was like...ok drop your pants.. i was like.. uuh.. you wont be able to see what youre looking for if i just drop 'em. i found myself wondering.. did she think i had uuh... ... yeah... not quite that long yet.. LoL. i ended up spending a good 4 hours trying to get doctor stuff done today.. but it was worth it for the male doctor i had. after i told him that i was a bit uncomfortable in general because of my.. unique medical history his reply was that they care for me and he wants me to know that him and dr. s (my regular doc) especially will always have a place for me. i was like.. wow.. thats AWESOME. especially after i told Tee that i was worried about the whole going to see my old doctor..but coming back with ambiguous genetalia. actually dr s was leaving to do rounds in the hospital when i was finally called for my appt, but he stopped by to see me and talk to me.. see how i have been feeling "mind, body, and spirit" .. i told him that i was very well.. much better than myself a year prior. he said he was happy for me.. he also made some small talk before he left.. asking about my parents (all 3 of them) and my sisters. funny thing.. hes the pcp for all of us.. lol. /shrug. whatever works yeah? h-ll when youre good, youre good. ;)
ok.. i guess i can go to bed now.. lol i sure wish i had some headphones with me.. im a horrible person i know.. LoL...cant help it!
nite...
Ray III
right now im laying in a bed at the Days Inn in Charlotte, NC. my pastor and i are in town for a Leadership Retreat. ive never been at something like this. its going to be interesting im sure.. at the VERY least. ..but im happy to be here.
i posted a video the other day. its kinda sad, but im actually proud to have done it.. itd been 2 months since the last one and i hadnt intended on waiting that long to post another. glad i got that one out. i didnt talk about it in depth but.. despite what i wanted to do.. i shaved the other day. i got insecure about my mustache and people at work. i hate that i felt that way, but i was up late one night.. and the details of everything got to me.. i cleaned the kitchen, baked/ate cookies (im obsessed), and shaved my precious mustache off. i cut myself in the process. i dont even know why i was up so late in the d-mn bathroom starring at myself anyway. i found myself afraid that someone would notice and i would end up having that conversation with someone before HR is ready for me to have that conversation with..everyone. ...i dunno. what i DO know is that i gotta let that sh-t go.. cause im covered.. and i KNOW im covered. i just gotta start acting like im covered. believing im covered..like for real.
i really need to get to sleep.. we have a long day tomorrow at the conference. and i gotta see if i can get myself to just quietly fall asleep. ;)
wait! ok.. i went to the doctor today. my primary care physician that i started seeing when i moved back here in 2006 so... from before. id told him about my transitioning etc and he was supportive.. i guess i underestimate some people... there are med students doing residency at his office. today i got probably the coolest guy i could have imagined for myself. he was just good. good at talking to me about stuff i didnt want to talk about.. good at making me feel comfortable..great with addressing me properly.. just good. i loved it. the lady who looked at the..er uuh.. lower stuff i had going on was actually pretty cool too.. she didnt use pronouns at all.. cause from the looks of it.. i think i confused her to high heavens at first... /shrug. when i told her i needed her to take a look she was like...ok drop your pants.. i was like.. uuh.. you wont be able to see what youre looking for if i just drop 'em. i found myself wondering.. did she think i had uuh... ... yeah... not quite that long yet.. LoL. i ended up spending a good 4 hours trying to get doctor stuff done today.. but it was worth it for the male doctor i had. after i told him that i was a bit uncomfortable in general because of my.. unique medical history his reply was that they care for me and he wants me to know that him and dr. s (my regular doc) especially will always have a place for me. i was like.. wow.. thats AWESOME. especially after i told Tee that i was worried about the whole going to see my old doctor..but coming back with ambiguous genetalia. actually dr s was leaving to do rounds in the hospital when i was finally called for my appt, but he stopped by to see me and talk to me.. see how i have been feeling "mind, body, and spirit" .. i told him that i was very well.. much better than myself a year prior. he said he was happy for me.. he also made some small talk before he left.. asking about my parents (all 3 of them) and my sisters. funny thing.. hes the pcp for all of us.. lol. /shrug. whatever works yeah? h-ll when youre good, youre good. ;)
ok.. i guess i can go to bed now.. lol i sure wish i had some headphones with me.. im a horrible person i know.. LoL...cant help it!
nite...
Ray III
Friday, February 6, 2009
too far between
the blogs.. i mean. its been waaay too long. a lot going on really. work is generally hectic, but we make do. some important things have happened lately. important to me at least... ;)
- preached my second sermon. i think ill stop counting now. ;)
- by sunday i will have officially been on testosterone for 6 months - pretty sweet
- talked to HR at work last week. theyre going over a plan of action for my work transition - this means i still have a job... always a good thing.
- my sister called me Ray (at first i was like.. who said that? then i was like.. SWEET!)
- along the same vein.. my brother-in-law called me R.W.3. - my pastor calls me that. *big smile*
- my dad had been calling me by my birthname.. i finally asked him to call me Ray - he goes 'oh, ok' .. yeah so i made a much bigger deal about how that was gonna go in my head.. of course.
changes:
- im mostly sir'd over the phone these days - d-mn i love where my voice is going.
- im generally sir'd in person - and yes.. i know im a tad vain..but i also like the way that i look. even when i think i look bloated or bigger than i should.. i still like it. THATs new.
- ive begun breaking out again (face and a little on my back i think.. but i cant see it so... /shrug)
- my facial hair is trying its d-mnest to grow it.. lol. i dont mind waiting for it though.. which i find strange.. guess that leads me to my next point
- im super chill generally.. except maybe when im super h-rny.. but thats a whole other point
- sex drive.. yes. very...much.. wanting.. right. i had gotten used to what it felt like on the previous dose.. or thats what i keep telling myself. now-a-days on the new dose..it gets pretty.. sometimes its hard to deal with.. im readjusting. its a process i guess.
im going to L.A. in march. Tee bought me a ticket today. im stoked! i get to see my pa, i get to see my friends.. its gonna be rad. ..and i get to eat some of the best restaurant-food ive had in my life.. again. yeah baby! maybe its just me.. but Atlanta food aint got NOTHING on Los Angeles food.
i havent been working out.. been drivin myself mad with work. been piling on the responsibilities too.. and trying to do step work.. and just.. lol being overwhelmed generally. and NOT freaking out about ANY of it.. d-mn thats different than the way things used to be. when the world was continuously coming to an end.. and thus we grow.
this is right. this is me. and i love it.
havent vid'd in a while either.. our camera screen is broken and its just kind of a turn-off to use the thing. either ill get over it and record myself anyway.. or ill just wait til i get to L.A. and have one of my folks out there make a vid. we will see.
heres a pic at least... no, this isnt from the day i preached.. but it was taken in church...
i should be sleeping...
xx
Raymond
- preached my second sermon. i think ill stop counting now. ;)
- by sunday i will have officially been on testosterone for 6 months - pretty sweet
- talked to HR at work last week. theyre going over a plan of action for my work transition - this means i still have a job... always a good thing.
- my sister called me Ray (at first i was like.. who said that? then i was like.. SWEET!)
- along the same vein.. my brother-in-law called me R.W.3. - my pastor calls me that. *big smile*
- my dad had been calling me by my birthname.. i finally asked him to call me Ray - he goes 'oh, ok' .. yeah so i made a much bigger deal about how that was gonna go in my head.. of course.
changes:
- im mostly sir'd over the phone these days - d-mn i love where my voice is going.
- im generally sir'd in person - and yes.. i know im a tad vain..but i also like the way that i look. even when i think i look bloated or bigger than i should.. i still like it. THATs new.
- ive begun breaking out again (face and a little on my back i think.. but i cant see it so... /shrug)
- my facial hair is trying its d-mnest to grow it.. lol. i dont mind waiting for it though.. which i find strange.. guess that leads me to my next point
- im super chill generally.. except maybe when im super h-rny.. but thats a whole other point
- sex drive.. yes. very...much.. wanting.. right. i had gotten used to what it felt like on the previous dose.. or thats what i keep telling myself. now-a-days on the new dose..it gets pretty.. sometimes its hard to deal with.. im readjusting. its a process i guess.
im going to L.A. in march. Tee bought me a ticket today. im stoked! i get to see my pa, i get to see my friends.. its gonna be rad. ..and i get to eat some of the best restaurant-food ive had in my life.. again. yeah baby! maybe its just me.. but Atlanta food aint got NOTHING on Los Angeles food.
i havent been working out.. been drivin myself mad with work. been piling on the responsibilities too.. and trying to do step work.. and just.. lol being overwhelmed generally. and NOT freaking out about ANY of it.. d-mn thats different than the way things used to be. when the world was continuously coming to an end.. and thus we grow.
this is right. this is me. and i love it.
havent vid'd in a while either.. our camera screen is broken and its just kind of a turn-off to use the thing. either ill get over it and record myself anyway.. or ill just wait til i get to L.A. and have one of my folks out there make a vid. we will see.
heres a pic at least... no, this isnt from the day i preached.. but it was taken in church...
i should be sleeping...
xx
Raymond
Friday, January 9, 2009
a little more, update
ive been out of it lately.. haha.. im sure thats evident from my last post. im feeling a little better.
finally got in touch with folks from the clinic who called me in a new prescription. dont worry i didnt miss any shots...lol but my dose got upped. and its funny too cause Tee looks at me the other day and says.. 'do you think the T stopped working.. not like stopped but like youve reached a plateau' and i hadnt thought about it much but i guess i kinda felt that way. lo and behold.. visit the doc, meds get changed. makes sense. we will see how things begin to go now.
work is good. i like my job. ..did i mention i like my job? i actually got an award at work today... for my "extra 212 degrees of effort" .. woot! suweeeet! and it came with a $100 Visa Gift card. right on time too cause... yeah... lol.
i spent like 45 minutes kickin it with the HR lady at work today.. i probably shouldve been working..but it turned out to be a really enlightening conversation. while bringing up a couple queries about the EEO form i found out a story about her working as a p.i. and finding out about a transwoman.. ... i cant explain it exactly, but anyway.. gave me the insight that would make for "coming out at work" WAY more comfortable that i thought it might be. at least the coming out to HR part. whew! and its pretty sweet timing too cause im going to talk to a friend of mine (who happens to be a lawyer) about the logistics of it all soon. ...sweet.
so i had my 22nd shot of testosterone today. it went well. i gotta get the right kind of syringes from the pharmacy i went to before.. the ones i got from publix.. not exactly what im used to. oh.. lol.. ok so i have to post about my 21st shot. just in case anyone reading this has had the same thought or comes to the point of having the same thought... dont do it. ok...syringe/needles from publix..not what im used to.. i go to use it anyway. give myself the shot and.. wait.. theres a lot more T left in the needle that usual.. what do i do? i re-stick myself to inject the rest.. LOL.. BAD IDEA. ok.. the moronic male thinking of mine goes i know the needle is dull now and this is probably gonna hurt like hell... but what will i feel like if i dont get the right dose.. at this point i know the fact that im an addict is starting to make things worse.. and yet i still... *sigh* the puncture hurt, it bled more than the first puncture (of course) and my leg was sore for like 2 days. ashamed.. when Tee goes, 'how was your shot?' im all.. 'it was ok' lol.. *sigh* it didnt go bad. i was very aware of what i was getting into.. no unexpected pain.. so.. it went ok. i planned to hurt and i did.. lol. yeah.. how about ive gone and done it for everyone.. so now you dont have to. im such a dork...
ok.. had to share that.. i gotta take pics soon.. im 5 months on T already.. woot woot...LoL
lates.
Raymond
finally got in touch with folks from the clinic who called me in a new prescription. dont worry i didnt miss any shots...lol but my dose got upped. and its funny too cause Tee looks at me the other day and says.. 'do you think the T stopped working.. not like stopped but like youve reached a plateau' and i hadnt thought about it much but i guess i kinda felt that way. lo and behold.. visit the doc, meds get changed. makes sense. we will see how things begin to go now.
work is good. i like my job. ..did i mention i like my job? i actually got an award at work today... for my "extra 212 degrees of effort" .. woot! suweeeet! and it came with a $100 Visa Gift card. right on time too cause... yeah... lol.
i spent like 45 minutes kickin it with the HR lady at work today.. i probably shouldve been working..but it turned out to be a really enlightening conversation. while bringing up a couple queries about the EEO form i found out a story about her working as a p.i. and finding out about a transwoman.. ... i cant explain it exactly, but anyway.. gave me the insight that would make for "coming out at work" WAY more comfortable that i thought it might be. at least the coming out to HR part. whew! and its pretty sweet timing too cause im going to talk to a friend of mine (who happens to be a lawyer) about the logistics of it all soon. ...sweet.
so i had my 22nd shot of testosterone today. it went well. i gotta get the right kind of syringes from the pharmacy i went to before.. the ones i got from publix.. not exactly what im used to. oh.. lol.. ok so i have to post about my 21st shot. just in case anyone reading this has had the same thought or comes to the point of having the same thought... dont do it. ok...syringe/needles from publix..not what im used to.. i go to use it anyway. give myself the shot and.. wait.. theres a lot more T left in the needle that usual.. what do i do? i re-stick myself to inject the rest.. LOL.. BAD IDEA. ok.. the moronic male thinking of mine goes i know the needle is dull now and this is probably gonna hurt like hell... but what will i feel like if i dont get the right dose.. at this point i know the fact that im an addict is starting to make things worse.. and yet i still... *sigh* the puncture hurt, it bled more than the first puncture (of course) and my leg was sore for like 2 days. ashamed.. when Tee goes, 'how was your shot?' im all.. 'it was ok' lol.. *sigh* it didnt go bad. i was very aware of what i was getting into.. no unexpected pain.. so.. it went ok. i planned to hurt and i did.. lol. yeah.. how about ive gone and done it for everyone.. so now you dont have to. im such a dork...
ok.. had to share that.. i gotta take pics soon.. im 5 months on T already.. woot woot...LoL
lates.
Raymond
Monday, January 5, 2009
complacency? /shrug
welcome to 2009 eh?
im.. almost forcing myself to write this. i havent been feeling very up to.. anything. ive gone and lost all my steam. *sigh* not that things are bad, cause they arent. i just dont feel very.. inspired. hrm.. ive felt this before. not really sure what im supposed to do about it though.
ive been "fixing" lately. jacking off a lot. eating a lot of sugar...lol ok.. cookies. drinking a lot of coke. its actually been keeping my mind off of smoking cigarettes. but really should we be playing the lesser of two evils game..again?
the strange part about all of this is.. im actually feeling ok. im generally productive at work, ive been going to more meetings, ive been doing my step work, ive been talking through things with Tee when necessary... /shrug .. maybe im mistaken in my feeling of i should be doing something...?
shaved today - had a bit of a mustache there..very little chin hair growth...LOL.. oh! dude! lol.. sorry. just realized.. im passing a pretty good percent of the time these days. what am i...5 months on T... good stuff! ive even been referred to as male at work - which i think is the coolest thing ever. i wont correct the man.. he seems to know what he's talkin about! ;)
i guess thats all i got really.
lates
im.. almost forcing myself to write this. i havent been feeling very up to.. anything. ive gone and lost all my steam. *sigh* not that things are bad, cause they arent. i just dont feel very.. inspired. hrm.. ive felt this before. not really sure what im supposed to do about it though.
ive been "fixing" lately. jacking off a lot. eating a lot of sugar...lol ok.. cookies. drinking a lot of coke. its actually been keeping my mind off of smoking cigarettes. but really should we be playing the lesser of two evils game..again?
the strange part about all of this is.. im actually feeling ok. im generally productive at work, ive been going to more meetings, ive been doing my step work, ive been talking through things with Tee when necessary... /shrug .. maybe im mistaken in my feeling of i should be doing something...?
shaved today - had a bit of a mustache there..very little chin hair growth...LOL.. oh! dude! lol.. sorry. just realized.. im passing a pretty good percent of the time these days. what am i...5 months on T... good stuff! ive even been referred to as male at work - which i think is the coolest thing ever. i wont correct the man.. he seems to know what he's talkin about! ;)
i guess thats all i got really.
lates
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