i cant wait til the day when i can lay flat on my chest and stomach. when i can zip a tight motorcycle jacket up my flat chest and ride until the thoughts stop and there's just me, the road, and the air whipping fast all around me; roar of the bike deafening my ears - clearing my head. right now im on the bus forcing a facade of male confidence to people who only see me as a bulldyke trying to be a boi. never seeing the man that hides inside..sitting there impatiently screaming for a chance to get out.. to run wild. and sometimes just screaming cause everything on the outside hurts so bad.
i was writing to a friend online and suddenly this came out. thought id share it with the blog world. best.
Ray
Thursday, May 22, 2008
Tuesday, May 20, 2008
comments...?
trust me.. i know what its like not knowing what to say but...after a while i can generally find a comment.. a question.. ANYTHING to maybe spark a little conversation. so er uh..will someone (anyone) write me back Something..? i guess in a way i wanna know that someone is listening (reading actually).
its like talking to someone on a cell phone and the story has just gotten good and your talking and spilling your heart out over the phone and when youre done? ..silence. and you look down at your phone and see a black, blank screen. and you find yourself wondering...how long have i been talking to myself?
yeah... so uuh.. somebody wanna write a comment about the blog so far?
other than that.. my last therapy appointment went ok. we didnt talk about anything in particular. he even made mention that i wasnt coming in with any huge or pressing problems. and it has me thinking, NO ISHT dude. im a well-rounded, even-thinking guy.. i just so happen to HAVE A FEMALE BODY.. fix it you dipisht!!! *re-adjusts tie, clears throat* ..sorry..i get emotional at times. i dunno if this is the recommended three months minimum of psychotherapy before hrt or WHAT... and im not even sure how to phrase the question to him. ...sheesh..i got 2 weeks to figure it out though.
dude! ive got good isht to share
:) i came out to my sister! she loves me anyways..and just wants me to be happy. one sis down.. one more to go. i think that one'll be a little more... ... involved (for lack of a better word). we shall see.
:) my mom called me Ray.. like, instead of last time i saw her when she called me *insert birthname here* like 16 times in a row -- i assume my sister had something to do with it...theyre close.
yeah..ok. so.. be hearin from you yeah?
Ray
its like talking to someone on a cell phone and the story has just gotten good and your talking and spilling your heart out over the phone and when youre done? ..silence. and you look down at your phone and see a black, blank screen. and you find yourself wondering...how long have i been talking to myself?
yeah... so uuh.. somebody wanna write a comment about the blog so far?
other than that.. my last therapy appointment went ok. we didnt talk about anything in particular. he even made mention that i wasnt coming in with any huge or pressing problems. and it has me thinking, NO ISHT dude. im a well-rounded, even-thinking guy.. i just so happen to HAVE A FEMALE BODY.. fix it you dipisht!!! *re-adjusts tie, clears throat* ..sorry..i get emotional at times. i dunno if this is the recommended three months minimum of psychotherapy before hrt or WHAT... and im not even sure how to phrase the question to him. ...sheesh..i got 2 weeks to figure it out though.
dude! ive got good isht to share
:) i came out to my sister! she loves me anyways..and just wants me to be happy. one sis down.. one more to go. i think that one'll be a little more... ... involved (for lack of a better word). we shall see.
:) my mom called me Ray.. like, instead of last time i saw her when she called me *insert birthname here* like 16 times in a row -- i assume my sister had something to do with it...theyre close.
yeah..ok. so.. be hearin from you yeah?
Ray
Wednesday, May 14, 2008
i wish...
i wish i had a treadmill, for all the running i do
id run for hours in a week trying to catch up to you
its the pain in my heart
the uncomfortable lurch in my stomach
the mounds mistakenly placed on my chest
the voice too sweet, too high to bring down
my fears, anger, excitement, anxiety
id put it all on the rapidly revolving runner of my treadmill
cause if im running this fast in my head
and not going anywhere
if i actually had a treadmill
my running would at least be worth a good workout
hrm...
tread mill
1. an apparatus for producing rotary motion by the weight of people or animals, treading on a succession of moving steps or a belt that forms a kind of continuous path, as around the periphery of a pair of horizontal cylinders.
2. an exercise machine that allows the user to walk or run in place, usually on a continuous moving belt.
3. any monotonous, wearisome routine in which there is little or no satisfactory progress.
oh isht.. wait...i dont need a treadmill.. i need a SPONSOR!
screw "no satisfactory progress," i gotta get somewhere!
Ray
id run for hours in a week trying to catch up to you
its the pain in my heart
the uncomfortable lurch in my stomach
the mounds mistakenly placed on my chest
the voice too sweet, too high to bring down
my fears, anger, excitement, anxiety
id put it all on the rapidly revolving runner of my treadmill
cause if im running this fast in my head
and not going anywhere
if i actually had a treadmill
my running would at least be worth a good workout
hrm...
tread mill
1. an apparatus for producing rotary motion by the weight of people or animals, treading on a succession of moving steps or a belt that forms a kind of continuous path, as around the periphery of a pair of horizontal cylinders.
2. an exercise machine that allows the user to walk or run in place, usually on a continuous moving belt.
3. any monotonous, wearisome routine in which there is little or no satisfactory progress.
oh isht.. wait...i dont need a treadmill.. i need a SPONSOR!
screw "no satisfactory progress," i gotta get somewhere!
Ray
Tuesday, May 13, 2008
how does he know?
when i try to remember myself as a child i see a little boy. yeah i played softball and i grew up with two older sisters but i spent enormous amounts of time with my dad helping him fix things at our house and other people's houses. i remember not understanding why i couldnt go into the boys bathroom at school and not understanding how the girls in class played but not getting the chance to play with the boys cause i was different. when out with my dad i remember him having to tell people that i was the daughter not the son - and i think for a while i convinced myself that that was just a nickname. i didnt get it (until puberty) that he and i were at all different. and now that i think about it.. i think puberty is when i stopped caring and got angry.
no, my childhood wasnt spectacular, but i was always fed, i always slept in a bed unless id peed in it (sigh), and i always had clothes to wear --so id say my sisters, parents, and grandparents did pretty good with me. the only problem was that we never talked about feelings or about what was going on. life just kinda happened, and we just kinda let it.
but how did i come to know that im a transman? kind of a long story...
i was in college - USC (Trojans Baby!). there, people identified me as a lesbian. i didnt like the term, but settled with it cause i didnt know any other. i hated gender specific discussion groups and actually wanted to stay with the guys but couldnt--nope, i didnt know then. in the spring of my freshman year there was a retreat called GenQ (Generation Queer). i dont remember much about the retreat (this was in 2001) except for the part where we were separated into gender-specific groups. i dont even remember how they explained it exactly, but there were "definitions" read of people who fit in the groups for male and female. i couldnt identify with either exactly, but i could identify with the "queer/unidentified" description. there were three of us. we ended up talking til about 2am about gender issues and what it all felt like and a little about transition. i thought maybe id found what i had been looking for...but still didnt really get it (that i was a transman).
throwing myself completely off track i spent the next five years drinking and drugging the uncomfortable feelings away - and not just the gender ones, but feelings about EVERYTHING. i was numb for most of that time. every glbt event and halloween party i went to i went as a guy-cause i could. even considered joining a drag king troupe or at least dating a guy from one (probably more out of wanting to be a guy all the time than wanting him). i spent years melding myself into the person someone else wanted cause i didnt understand that who i wanted to be was important.
when i got clean the feelings of "i dont like being called a lesbian" came back. might i mention that God works in mysterious ways? my first sponsor, who i met at a women's meeting, was a guy named Danny. (I love my Danny.) he worked for me - and made more sense to me than i couldve ever recognized back then. sadly i still tried to be a girl.. fit-in as a lesbian, but it didnt work. i was frustratingly unable to identify with other women. recently i realized that its cause im not a woman, im a man. and even more recently i discovered, that its ok to be the man that i am on the inside - despite what anyone ever sees on the outside.
i cant say "yeah, i always knew i was trans" because i think i actually thought i WAS a boy for a while. its just that gender wasnt a big deal at my house cause there were so many other things going on there. i can say i know NOW and have a name for it .. and have a solution to it ...where before it was just kinda me.
Ray
no, my childhood wasnt spectacular, but i was always fed, i always slept in a bed unless id peed in it (sigh), and i always had clothes to wear --so id say my sisters, parents, and grandparents did pretty good with me. the only problem was that we never talked about feelings or about what was going on. life just kinda happened, and we just kinda let it.
but how did i come to know that im a transman? kind of a long story...
i was in college - USC (Trojans Baby!). there, people identified me as a lesbian. i didnt like the term, but settled with it cause i didnt know any other. i hated gender specific discussion groups and actually wanted to stay with the guys but couldnt--nope, i didnt know then. in the spring of my freshman year there was a retreat called GenQ (Generation Queer). i dont remember much about the retreat (this was in 2001) except for the part where we were separated into gender-specific groups. i dont even remember how they explained it exactly, but there were "definitions" read of people who fit in the groups for male and female. i couldnt identify with either exactly, but i could identify with the "queer/unidentified" description. there were three of us. we ended up talking til about 2am about gender issues and what it all felt like and a little about transition. i thought maybe id found what i had been looking for...but still didnt really get it (that i was a transman).
throwing myself completely off track i spent the next five years drinking and drugging the uncomfortable feelings away - and not just the gender ones, but feelings about EVERYTHING. i was numb for most of that time. every glbt event and halloween party i went to i went as a guy-cause i could. even considered joining a drag king troupe or at least dating a guy from one (probably more out of wanting to be a guy all the time than wanting him). i spent years melding myself into the person someone else wanted cause i didnt understand that who i wanted to be was important.
when i got clean the feelings of "i dont like being called a lesbian" came back. might i mention that God works in mysterious ways? my first sponsor, who i met at a women's meeting, was a guy named Danny. (I love my Danny.) he worked for me - and made more sense to me than i couldve ever recognized back then. sadly i still tried to be a girl.. fit-in as a lesbian, but it didnt work. i was frustratingly unable to identify with other women. recently i realized that its cause im not a woman, im a man. and even more recently i discovered, that its ok to be the man that i am on the inside - despite what anyone ever sees on the outside.
i cant say "yeah, i always knew i was trans" because i think i actually thought i WAS a boy for a while. its just that gender wasnt a big deal at my house cause there were so many other things going on there. i can say i know NOW and have a name for it .. and have a solution to it ...where before it was just kinda me.
Ray
Wednesday, May 7, 2008
Bummed
..and not in that happy beach-bum-for-a-day kind of way but more like the.. man that sucks eggs kinda way. really i shouldnt let it get to me and just find a way to grind myself a better job but.. *sigh*
so Jack the therapist thinks that my feeling of "something missing" is that im under-employed. yes, i AM underemployed.. but i ALSO dont look like a guy and am mistaken for a "young lady" constantly ==> driving me INSANE. yadda yadda feel more comfortable writing a letter for someone who's stable in a career with stable health insurance yadda yadda. leaving me? where ive been for the past year - looking for a job in my field. right.
im hardly able to look past that at the moment. and something about pulling up bootstraps? i dunno.. but i shouldnt be bummed apparently. and i shouldntve spent 10 or so years of my life chasing a high either but it happened. ha! i just realised how incredibly bitter i am. ew.. i gotta get rid of that. *thinking* candy.. yes.. i'll have some candy. then i'll start on my church class homework.
sorry im not wound too tight today. maybe next time eh?
Ray
so Jack the therapist thinks that my feeling of "something missing" is that im under-employed. yes, i AM underemployed.. but i ALSO dont look like a guy and am mistaken for a "young lady" constantly ==> driving me INSANE. yadda yadda feel more comfortable writing a letter for someone who's stable in a career with stable health insurance yadda yadda. leaving me? where ive been for the past year - looking for a job in my field. right.
im hardly able to look past that at the moment. and something about pulling up bootstraps? i dunno.. but i shouldnt be bummed apparently. and i shouldntve spent 10 or so years of my life chasing a high either but it happened. ha! i just realised how incredibly bitter i am. ew.. i gotta get rid of that. *thinking* candy.. yes.. i'll have some candy. then i'll start on my church class homework.
sorry im not wound too tight today. maybe next time eh?
Ray
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