Men Get Antsy Too

lately ive been feeling kinda weird. moody i guess you could call it. im not an extrovert by any stretch of the imagination, but ive been caving in on myself lately. and now that ive started writing about it, im not exactly sure how to explain it. i suppose sometimes i wanna just hang a "its a boy" sign outside my window and invite everyone over to see it so i dont have to go through the conversation so many times. other times i just dont give a hoot cause really if the people i love are gonna leave just cause i want to be happen then *throws up peace sign*.

things havent been nearly as rough or traumatic on the outside than on the inside though, so here are a few really cool things thats happened lately.
:) - i called my dad and asked him if i could borrow a black tie for a church event - he said 'yeah, when you comin over?'
:) - a week or so later while my dad and i were getting parts to change the brakes on my car, i asked him what he thought about me changing my name to Raymond, even though my nephew, him, and his father all have that name - he said 'they can call you Ray'
:) - i told my dad about wanting to start hormone therapy and he actually asked me what that would do, then went on to talk about the pump therapy (he's a diabetic) he's been trying out

ok.. you probably wont understand why these little things make me so happy without understanding a little about my dad. he's a bit of an introvert as well. sarcastic, straight-forward, quiet guy - doesnt talk about much and when he does he says very little. so.. you can see how these tiny conversations and happenings have me ECSTATIC! that and..i LOVE my dad.. was named after him.. and take after him in a lot of ways.

but wait..there's more
:) - security officer at Auto Zone called me sir/gentleman about four times.. then after talking to him for a few minutes before he left he called me ma'am (darn voice). still made me feel good though. *smile*
:) - in my Self-Empowerment class at church my Elder actually got my pronoun right - cool points for him eh? only cause he missed the week before ;)

i think now that ive talked to my fiancee about it and ive mentioned it to my dad, im ready to actually start hormone therapy. there isnt a doubt in my mind that i want to do it, just kind of a constant state of when going on. i suppose this is where the antsy comes from. i kinda wish it would go away, but at the same time feeling this way helps me know im definitely doing the right thing. how dare i change everything about my life and NOT be excited about it, right?

Ray

terminology

it has occured to me that i may want to include some definitions for the sake of clarity and cause i know how you hate to open new tabs or browser windows to look up words so here goes - from wikipedia (isnt the internet wonderful):

. "FTM" (sometimes FtM, F2M, F->M or F>M) is short for "female-to-male", and identifies the general direction of transition (from assigned to actual), and not a conscripted "start" to "finish" process.

. A transman or transguy (often referred to as FTM) is short for transsexual or transgender man - a person who was naturally born or physically assigned as female at birth, but who feels that this is not an accurate or complete description of themselves and consequently identifies as a male

. Transgender is a general term applied to a variety of individuals, behaviors, and groups involving tendencies that diverge from the normative gender role (woman or man) commonly, but not always, assigned at birth, as well as the role traditionally held by society;
-is the state of one's "gender identity" (self-identification as male, female, both or neither) not matching one's "assigned gender" (identification by others as male or female based on physical/genetic sex);
-does not imply any specific form of sexual orientation; transgender people may identify as heterosexual, homosexual, bisexual, pansexual, polysexual, or asexual.

. Transitioning is the process of changing genders - the idea of what it means to be female or male.

. World of Warcraft (commonly known as WoW) is a massively multiplayer online role-playing game (MMORPG).

and one definitions from another source:

Addict - "Very simply, an addict is a man or woman whose life is controlled by drugs," NAWS.

i would like to encourage you however, to look up ANY and ALL words that you read here that you arent familiar with. just to make sure you understand what i mean. then you can call me out of my "stuff" and keep ME in check. *smile*

Ray

everything has to start somewhere

stories similar to my own are being told now more than ever before and everywhere. of this we can be certain. try entering ftm (female-to-male), transman, transgender, transition, or testosterone into the youtube search and you'll hit at it all. we get to watch the physical ftm transition with our own eyes and ears, albeit on the internet. its a wonderfully inspiring thing - especially for a pre-testosterone transman like myself. what i wonder sometimes however, is how the personal/spiritual/family life.. behind-the-scenes type stuff is going. i suppose this is what my blog will be like. i tend to be the kind of person that will tell you anything if you ask the right question. i invite you to ask the right question and maybe we can all figure out how to "live the questions" as Cushnir says. so there..thats whats inspired me.

you probably wanna know who this bloak is that just kinda started blogging out of nowhere... im 25 years old living in Atlanta, GA with my girl (23) and the kid (8). im a computer programming, ex-World of Warcraft (WoW) junky, and recovering addict who is currently studying to become a minister. oh yeah.. and im transgender. that might be a lot to swallow but i like to put it all out there. funny thing is, its my first blog so eventually this tell-all post will become the last thing a drop-in reader will read and maybe i'll get some of those good 'ol fashioned "shocked and appalled" comments after a while. i suppose we shall see.

i was going to include some definitions here.. but i think we'll save that for another post as it would make this one quite long. educational..but long. hope youll be reading me again soon.

Ray