free

when i started this blog i really just wanted to not be so fucking crazy anymore. it was suggested by numerous people that i find ways to document the transition journey and i think i did. i wasnt consistent, i didnt explain everything as clearly as i could have, i didnt take enough pictures, i didnt record/post enough videos.. but what's here is here and the physical transition time has been documented. the inside transition ... well.. that's just life. much of what happens now has more to do with whatever (and whoever) the hell else is going on and less to do with transition.. lol i was never really great at keeping up with this blog anyway.
in essence, I suppose I can say today that Ray has been Released. im free to be the grown man that I am learning to be. If you stick around long enough to find out youll find that Im a transman...but it doesnt take away from me being a son, a grandson, a nephew, a brother, an uncle, ...and even for a little while, a father... *sigh*
what's the point? im starting a new blog.. needing a new kind of writing beginning... needing the atmosphere to change without taking away from what this actual blog was.. like buying a new notebook i suppose...

"good grief"

aaah..I loathe my previous apparently empty promises of doing better with the blogging. life has just seemed to run away from me I suppose. I do a little running back tonight. soo much has happen in such little time (in the grander scheme of things).. but still a lot. since March I think Im working from...?

in July '11 I met the partner's family - brother, mother, grandmother /blush. I was ordained as a Reverend..pretty cool. despite my random insecurities about praying out loud (don't ask, lol) at the same conference before I was ordained I did opening prayer for one of the evening worship services.. that's kinda funny now that I think of it. my partner moved here to be with me (smile) in August. death and burial of my partner's uncle. recently named the Southern Region TransSaints Regional Assistant. some reorganization at work that puts me on call much more often.. but takes me out of the development cycle - there are pluses and minuses to that. ..hrm.. outside of the past month of happenings these are the only things that really stick out that's happened since then..but if you dont think that is enough..

my father passed on December 13, 2011. I think Im still a bit shocked about that. and Im up blogging at 2am right now because today (Jan 4) is his birthday. I miss him. Im half tempted to go through my blog and recall all the random stuff Ive written about him over however long...lol partially because this electronic thing would make it easy.. but really I did a TON of griping in this blog..so that might not really be the way to go.

I guess one of the amazing things about the experience is - making the calls, meeting with the Reverend to organize the funeral, contacting his job, dealing with the VA, visiting my grandmother, attending the funeral and giving the acknowlegments ...all in all.. I helped do my dad proud through his hospitalization, death and funeral -- as I am sure he would have wanted his son to do. I'm not at all positive that he thought of me quite that way at the time of his death.. but I am certain that had I been born the man they thought I was that I behaved myself in the manner that would have been expected of me for the occasion. I just thank G-d I was able to do it...and continue doing it. there is more stuff than I could have ever imagined to try to sift through, figure out, sign for, clean...name it! It has to be done still. But I helped participate in making the Celebration for him something to remember.

my partner has been and continues to be absolutely Amazing in all of this. He even let me sob hysterically before we went to church on New Year's Eve. lol that's kind of saying a lot -- being that I dont cry very often. maybe that will sum up what I can say about sadness and grief and crying after T. lets just say since my dad's accident on November 27th Ive cried.. about 4 or 5 times. more than Ive cried over the past 3 years prior to that combined. guess I'm getting my fill. that last time was kind of a lot.. like a whole 10 minute situation.

another interesting tidbit.. clearly a TON of family came into town for the funeral. a good few of whom had not seen me in the past 4 - 5 years. that was interesting but the re-introductions went well. when my response to one bewildered look and uncomfortable shifting was "things change" to which she responded hesitantly, "yeah..things change.." my grandfather rather cheerfully chimed in "..and it's alright!" aside from being astounded, I was full of all kinds of wonderful feelings: surprise, happiness, relief.. to name a few. the day of the funeral my grandmother's sister.. actually along with a few other people.. found the time to corner me in random places and tell me things that you tell a man when his father has died - that I was the man of the family now, that I have to be strong, to be sure that I take care of my sisters always. the kind of things I would have heard all of my life had I been born in a boy's body, I suppose.. its kind of sad that I had to wait until my dad died to hear them.. part of me wishes he had got the chance to hear them.. say some of them even. but he wasnt exactly that kind of guy. he said it without saying it in his own ways I suppose.. calling me to help me get his motorcycle up on his new stand, instructing me on how to change my fuel pump instead of doing it for me, and completely unrelated..but totally in the fashion of our relationship.. coming to pick me up and take me for a ice cream on his motorcycle....lol after all.. his son's mostly gay. /shrug lol

d-mn-t I miss my dad...

...I think.. Im going to have more ice cream and cookies now...

too bad I dont have any chocolate almond ice cream. it was his favorite.. lol though really I rarely ate it cause I particularly liked it.. usually because it was there and he liked it so much.. lol guess I can stick to vanilla with oreos for now.. every now and then I'll have to grab some chocolate custard from Rita's for him.. he was SO excited to have discovered it when I took him there.

Dad.. I miss you. Yes, I've been taking my Vitamin C like you suggested the last time we spoke...well..usually. You should see the floor in your house now. Looks more like it did when your kids were younger. I wish you could tell us what you want us to do with all of your stuff.. lol or with these other people's stuff that you still have. You very well can't fix it now and I certainly don't quite fit the "Handy Man" bill. Just so you know, when I wish you were here I am reminded of how hard life is.. how hard it must have been for you for so many years. Congratulations on the promotion, really...cause you must have been done with something and gotten some things right to have left so peacefully. The suffering of this lifetime is over and even though we cry and get sad remembering you, its not that we aren't happy for you..just sad for ourselves because we love you so much in all the ways that we remember you. I know that you were proud of all three of us. We will continue to make you proud. Thank you for being such a good man and such a good dad, father and friend. I learned so much more about being a real man from you than you will ever know. Forgive me for being afraid to tell you that before you left. I love you and look up to you now and always. Happy Birthday, Dad.

Raymond

sleepless

im sure it has something to do with the fact that i slept for like 6 hours when i finally got home after church and such, but i am very much awake right now despite my desire to be sleeping.. so im sleepless. lol i guess the real word is restless but.. yeah. feeling compelled to write. im not even quite sure what my current issue is..so much has happened in my life since last i wrote on here. my last post was june10 last year.. wow. since then ive gotten into a relationship with someone wonderful. generally things are well aside from the long-distance factor. at some point this detail will be worked out..apparently that's not right now. until then i just keep driving up or meet him at the airport when he flies down.. and we just keep it pushin. i love him Very much. not sure why im so erratic right now. but occasionally i feel like im losing it.. i guess this is just one of those times. really.. at the end of the day (or morning in this case) all will be well and life will simply resume in the manner that it chooses. hrm..an update is in order i suppose. i am Assistant Pastor of my church now, which always sounds like a much bigger thing than it feels...if that makes any sense. not that im confused about the weight of the responsibility and the charge of the position.. its almost like.. hrm.. is that the title that goes along with the work ive been doing? ...i hadnt realized. but at the same time i do feel a "push" (i guess youd call it) to do more...to change some things.. solidify some structure, etc. /shrug. i just do what i know needs to be done. i just have to find a space to be okay with the fact that sometimes what has to be done is the leading of others. that its ok to not do it all myself. i admit, i understand a Senior Pastor's resistance to letting other people do things.. but it still doesnt make it right. ive been doing much better lately with the step work situation.. or with doing things i need to do for me. just one way that im striving to gain some freedom in my life. i know that God can and will make me free.. but i also know that faith without works is dead.. ive got to put in a bit of effort.. God will always meet me the other part of the way. so ive been working on it and going to meetings and it just feels better. not to mention i have committed to a class at temple - once/month and both times ive been so far? amazing. period. ive moved into a new apartment. cute little 2br 1ba place. small enough to keep me from feeling like im wasting money..big enough to move someone else into if/when that times comes. its selfish, but i hope that time is sooner rather than later. /shrug we shall see. that situation is back/forth a lot.. i just dont know... my transitioning these days is much more mental and spiritual in nature. i probably notice less and less things changing about me. i look forward still some day to getting my chest fixed and even possibly getting the plumbing set up correctly. its hard to know when that time might be. ive been able to get most of my documentation corrected - which is super beneficial. i guess i just wonder sometimes about my safety.. and in the case of emergencies.. so now i find myself eaves dropping on guys' conversations - which is almost completely useless not knowing what kind of relationship the guys have with each other...but i do it anyway. /shrug. theres still this part of me that wants very much to be a "normal guy" -- somehow discounting how completely normal i already am. aaah..the effects of society. *sad face* really.. this is all i can think of at 5am on a Monday? lol i guess ill try to catch a nap before work. lol maybe next time i write-which will hopefully be sooner rather than 9months from now-ill have something more interesting to write about. lol at least ill read the past few posts and try to fill in some blanks. sound like a winner? ...ill work on that... ;) Raymond