sleepless

im sure it has something to do with the fact that i slept for like 6 hours when i finally got home after church and such, but i am very much awake right now despite my desire to be sleeping.. so im sleepless. lol i guess the real word is restless but.. yeah. feeling compelled to write. im not even quite sure what my current issue is..so much has happened in my life since last i wrote on here. my last post was june10 last year.. wow. since then ive gotten into a relationship with someone wonderful. generally things are well aside from the long-distance factor. at some point this detail will be worked out..apparently that's not right now. until then i just keep driving up or meet him at the airport when he flies down.. and we just keep it pushin. i love him Very much. not sure why im so erratic right now. but occasionally i feel like im losing it.. i guess this is just one of those times. really.. at the end of the day (or morning in this case) all will be well and life will simply resume in the manner that it chooses. hrm..an update is in order i suppose. i am Assistant Pastor of my church now, which always sounds like a much bigger thing than it feels...if that makes any sense. not that im confused about the weight of the responsibility and the charge of the position.. its almost like.. hrm.. is that the title that goes along with the work ive been doing? ...i hadnt realized. but at the same time i do feel a "push" (i guess youd call it) to do more...to change some things.. solidify some structure, etc. /shrug. i just do what i know needs to be done. i just have to find a space to be okay with the fact that sometimes what has to be done is the leading of others. that its ok to not do it all myself. i admit, i understand a Senior Pastor's resistance to letting other people do things.. but it still doesnt make it right. ive been doing much better lately with the step work situation.. or with doing things i need to do for me. just one way that im striving to gain some freedom in my life. i know that God can and will make me free.. but i also know that faith without works is dead.. ive got to put in a bit of effort.. God will always meet me the other part of the way. so ive been working on it and going to meetings and it just feels better. not to mention i have committed to a class at temple - once/month and both times ive been so far? amazing. period. ive moved into a new apartment. cute little 2br 1ba place. small enough to keep me from feeling like im wasting money..big enough to move someone else into if/when that times comes. its selfish, but i hope that time is sooner rather than later. /shrug we shall see. that situation is back/forth a lot.. i just dont know... my transitioning these days is much more mental and spiritual in nature. i probably notice less and less things changing about me. i look forward still some day to getting my chest fixed and even possibly getting the plumbing set up correctly. its hard to know when that time might be. ive been able to get most of my documentation corrected - which is super beneficial. i guess i just wonder sometimes about my safety.. and in the case of emergencies.. so now i find myself eaves dropping on guys' conversations - which is almost completely useless not knowing what kind of relationship the guys have with each other...but i do it anyway. /shrug. theres still this part of me that wants very much to be a "normal guy" -- somehow discounting how completely normal i already am. aaah..the effects of society. *sad face* really.. this is all i can think of at 5am on a Monday? lol i guess ill try to catch a nap before work. lol maybe next time i write-which will hopefully be sooner rather than 9months from now-ill have something more interesting to write about. lol at least ill read the past few posts and try to fill in some blanks. sound like a winner? ...ill work on that... ;) Raymond