Monday, June 14, 2010
falling apart (written 6/10 )
falling...without ever having tripped, the road though narrow and winding hasn't disappeared beneath my feet I just stop looking down, the day isn't any darker there's just a few extra clouds out now and, against the spirit in me I struggle with knowing what to do and trusting myself to do it, not even something that's never been done before, there's nothing new under the sun just an experience I haven't done, take this cup but leave my cross so I can stay close and not be...apart
Thursday, June 10, 2010
what im supposed to do
ive got to keep telling myself that im doing the things im supposed to be doing.. so as not to feel guilty about trying to gain more of that human experience my spirit longs for...after all why else would i even be here...
so i found myself interested in someone...a person id never met, who hadnt heard of me nor i of him. a wonderful situation really. and the time came (or so it seemed to me to have come) to tell him in a touch more depth who i am. far be it for me to find myself in a compromising situation and some unexpected surprises come up.. or dont come up rather. the conversation did not go poorly, but - just as it may have put him in a place of self-assessment.. ive gone into a place of self-assessment as well.. or rather a place of realization:
my sex life will never seem normal again. its never exactly been normal, but at least i had the illusion that it was with how quickly i could talk someone from just about anywhere back to my house with me and into my bed if i wanted..without the necessity of too much in-depth and personal conversation. hrm.. THIS (im almost certain) explains the guys' push for bottom surgery.. im sure. that way (AT LEAST) all youve got to discuss is scars elsewhere or size, but at least something resembling what the "factory" pumps out is present!
lol.. ok.. i just had a fairly hood moment in all of that.. im ok.. i swear..
so its almost like sitting around waiting to hear back from the hiring manager at a job you really want. that feeling of.. well can i at least get a second interview? ...yeah.. its like that. and we've talked since..but not about that. which is fine...but.. i dont know what to do about it.. disclose sooner next time? /shrug..
im single.. did i forget to mention that? probably.. im that way sometimes. its been over much longer than its actually been over... so really? its ok. and things will be.. okay.
i got my license.. its beautiful. the name is right. the sex is right. the picture is right.. what more could a man ask for? if it werent kinda weird to do, I might frame it.. lol. hrm.. i AM kinda weird though... /shrug.. SSA here I come.. and then.. paperwork, paperwork, paperwork... i need to go to bed so i can get some of this stuff done in the morning... how exciting!
some of my actions are "the motions" -- others are actually what I want/desire for myself and others. Ive got to find some way to merge the two..lol..
and im up late because some old habits die hard. the later I stay up and mindlessly tire myself out.. the less time I have to lay and think about bullisht while I wait for sleep to happen. In theory.. I can get to sleep before my head hits the pillow reall good... we shall see.
Raymond III
so i found myself interested in someone...a person id never met, who hadnt heard of me nor i of him. a wonderful situation really. and the time came (or so it seemed to me to have come) to tell him in a touch more depth who i am. far be it for me to find myself in a compromising situation and some unexpected surprises come up.. or dont come up rather. the conversation did not go poorly, but - just as it may have put him in a place of self-assessment.. ive gone into a place of self-assessment as well.. or rather a place of realization:
my sex life will never seem normal again. its never exactly been normal, but at least i had the illusion that it was with how quickly i could talk someone from just about anywhere back to my house with me and into my bed if i wanted..without the necessity of too much in-depth and personal conversation. hrm.. THIS (im almost certain) explains the guys' push for bottom surgery.. im sure. that way (AT LEAST) all youve got to discuss is scars elsewhere or size, but at least something resembling what the "factory" pumps out is present!
lol.. ok.. i just had a fairly hood moment in all of that.. im ok.. i swear..
so its almost like sitting around waiting to hear back from the hiring manager at a job you really want. that feeling of.. well can i at least get a second interview? ...yeah.. its like that. and we've talked since..but not about that. which is fine...but.. i dont know what to do about it.. disclose sooner next time? /shrug..
im single.. did i forget to mention that? probably.. im that way sometimes. its been over much longer than its actually been over... so really? its ok. and things will be.. okay.
i got my license.. its beautiful. the name is right. the sex is right. the picture is right.. what more could a man ask for? if it werent kinda weird to do, I might frame it.. lol. hrm.. i AM kinda weird though... /shrug.. SSA here I come.. and then.. paperwork, paperwork, paperwork... i need to go to bed so i can get some of this stuff done in the morning... how exciting!
some of my actions are "the motions" -- others are actually what I want/desire for myself and others. Ive got to find some way to merge the two..lol..
and im up late because some old habits die hard. the later I stay up and mindlessly tire myself out.. the less time I have to lay and think about bullisht while I wait for sleep to happen. In theory.. I can get to sleep before my head hits the pillow reall good... we shall see.
Raymond III
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