Monday, June 14, 2010
falling apart (written 6/10 )
falling...without ever having tripped, the road though narrow and winding hasn't disappeared beneath my feet I just stop looking down, the day isn't any darker there's just a few extra clouds out now and, against the spirit in me I struggle with knowing what to do and trusting myself to do it, not even something that's never been done before, there's nothing new under the sun just an experience I haven't done, take this cup but leave my cross so I can stay close and not be...apart
Thursday, June 10, 2010
what im supposed to do
ive got to keep telling myself that im doing the things im supposed to be doing.. so as not to feel guilty about trying to gain more of that human experience my spirit longs for...after all why else would i even be here...
so i found myself interested in someone...a person id never met, who hadnt heard of me nor i of him. a wonderful situation really. and the time came (or so it seemed to me to have come) to tell him in a touch more depth who i am. far be it for me to find myself in a compromising situation and some unexpected surprises come up.. or dont come up rather. the conversation did not go poorly, but - just as it may have put him in a place of self-assessment.. ive gone into a place of self-assessment as well.. or rather a place of realization:
my sex life will never seem normal again. its never exactly been normal, but at least i had the illusion that it was with how quickly i could talk someone from just about anywhere back to my house with me and into my bed if i wanted..without the necessity of too much in-depth and personal conversation. hrm.. THIS (im almost certain) explains the guys' push for bottom surgery.. im sure. that way (AT LEAST) all youve got to discuss is scars elsewhere or size, but at least something resembling what the "factory" pumps out is present!
lol.. ok.. i just had a fairly hood moment in all of that.. im ok.. i swear..
so its almost like sitting around waiting to hear back from the hiring manager at a job you really want. that feeling of.. well can i at least get a second interview? ...yeah.. its like that. and we've talked since..but not about that. which is fine...but.. i dont know what to do about it.. disclose sooner next time? /shrug..
im single.. did i forget to mention that? probably.. im that way sometimes. its been over much longer than its actually been over... so really? its ok. and things will be.. okay.
i got my license.. its beautiful. the name is right. the sex is right. the picture is right.. what more could a man ask for? if it werent kinda weird to do, I might frame it.. lol. hrm.. i AM kinda weird though... /shrug.. SSA here I come.. and then.. paperwork, paperwork, paperwork... i need to go to bed so i can get some of this stuff done in the morning... how exciting!
some of my actions are "the motions" -- others are actually what I want/desire for myself and others. Ive got to find some way to merge the two..lol..
and im up late because some old habits die hard. the later I stay up and mindlessly tire myself out.. the less time I have to lay and think about bullisht while I wait for sleep to happen. In theory.. I can get to sleep before my head hits the pillow reall good... we shall see.
Raymond III
so i found myself interested in someone...a person id never met, who hadnt heard of me nor i of him. a wonderful situation really. and the time came (or so it seemed to me to have come) to tell him in a touch more depth who i am. far be it for me to find myself in a compromising situation and some unexpected surprises come up.. or dont come up rather. the conversation did not go poorly, but - just as it may have put him in a place of self-assessment.. ive gone into a place of self-assessment as well.. or rather a place of realization:
my sex life will never seem normal again. its never exactly been normal, but at least i had the illusion that it was with how quickly i could talk someone from just about anywhere back to my house with me and into my bed if i wanted..without the necessity of too much in-depth and personal conversation. hrm.. THIS (im almost certain) explains the guys' push for bottom surgery.. im sure. that way (AT LEAST) all youve got to discuss is scars elsewhere or size, but at least something resembling what the "factory" pumps out is present!
lol.. ok.. i just had a fairly hood moment in all of that.. im ok.. i swear..
so its almost like sitting around waiting to hear back from the hiring manager at a job you really want. that feeling of.. well can i at least get a second interview? ...yeah.. its like that. and we've talked since..but not about that. which is fine...but.. i dont know what to do about it.. disclose sooner next time? /shrug..
im single.. did i forget to mention that? probably.. im that way sometimes. its been over much longer than its actually been over... so really? its ok. and things will be.. okay.
i got my license.. its beautiful. the name is right. the sex is right. the picture is right.. what more could a man ask for? if it werent kinda weird to do, I might frame it.. lol. hrm.. i AM kinda weird though... /shrug.. SSA here I come.. and then.. paperwork, paperwork, paperwork... i need to go to bed so i can get some of this stuff done in the morning... how exciting!
some of my actions are "the motions" -- others are actually what I want/desire for myself and others. Ive got to find some way to merge the two..lol..
and im up late because some old habits die hard. the later I stay up and mindlessly tire myself out.. the less time I have to lay and think about bullisht while I wait for sleep to happen. In theory.. I can get to sleep before my head hits the pillow reall good... we shall see.
Raymond III
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
sometimes you win, sometimes you lose...
but apparently thats the name of the game.
...
when youve heard over and over again time after time "cant keep you, cant keep you, cant keep you" and you finally dont hear it anymore.. but instead picture vividly emotions long long away that feel just like today you can only believe.. you have arrived.
and not in the sense that everythings altogether or everything is perfect or that things will never change but.. in that way that the Spirit is right and the Love is real and the Mind can finally handle it all.
somewhere beautiful and somewhere bright, Gods line of sight pointing right down upon you.. anointing running in, down, around, and through everything.. thoughts, feelings, realities one to the other to the other like clockwork.. right on time, though not on mine the.. waiting, wanting, jonesing, grasping, hoping replaced by.. right now, in this moment, enjoying, loving.
ends of days become beginnings of dreams discussed even while awake finally.. not-so-afraid of the road that im taking and.. though everything is just how it seems theres bystanders wishing it were all just a dream but the.. passionate purity traveling between dampens out fireblazing storms foreseen.
the calm is not just one that precedes
but a foreshadowing of what exactly life can be
...
Ive been inspired to write again... and its a beautiful thing. I struggle only with where I can share my writing since I enjoy it so much. but its still so personal to me.. and maybe to some other people. Its true insight to whats going on inside me at any given time if Im so inspired to get it onto a computer screen, website, or piece of paper. T used to say that reading my blog was the only way she could get to know me.. I venture to believe that its because of the expression in my writing. The act of taking what Im feeling and filtering it out through precarious, though off the top of my head, word choice that leaves my emotions, my opinions.. my care, my worry, my love, and my hurt..all out in the open so not only can I look at it and attempt to make sense of it.. but that maybe someone else can too. I often wonder what other people get when they read my writing. Ive been fortunate enough to have met someone that can feel me and feel what I mean when I speak. Its truly a gift and Im grateful for it.
...haha.. yes, Im editing...
there are somethings we are afraid that the world wont be ready for. ive experienced over the past couple of months that those are usually things that we are simply afraid to tell the world..projecting possible reactions from the world instead of allowing the world to deal with it when it comes. seeking and following the advice of others we tend to shy away from expressing reality.. even of our very selves! in order to avoid the possibilities.. while simply delaying the inevitable. funnily enough.. the inevitable can wait as long as you can avoid it.. haha.. because ooh one day it will come... generally whether we like it or not.
I speak generally because this applies to many topics.. even applies to at least two topics that I have personally experienced... one of which Im experiencing right now. But thank God for the Spirit of God that lives in me.. because as long as I continue to listen and to follow direction, there will never be anything that I cannot accomplish.
"What would you do if you knew you could not fail?"
hrm.. lol.. yeah.. think about THAT for a little while. it gets my head spinning a little bit everytime I think about it.. I Love It!
sometimes you win, sometimes you lose... and sometimes you get to do both at the same time.
-Raymond III
...
when youve heard over and over again time after time "cant keep you, cant keep you, cant keep you" and you finally dont hear it anymore.. but instead picture vividly emotions long long away that feel just like today you can only believe.. you have arrived.
and not in the sense that everythings altogether or everything is perfect or that things will never change but.. in that way that the Spirit is right and the Love is real and the Mind can finally handle it all.
somewhere beautiful and somewhere bright, Gods line of sight pointing right down upon you.. anointing running in, down, around, and through everything.. thoughts, feelings, realities one to the other to the other like clockwork.. right on time, though not on mine the.. waiting, wanting, jonesing, grasping, hoping replaced by.. right now, in this moment, enjoying, loving.
ends of days become beginnings of dreams discussed even while awake finally.. not-so-afraid of the road that im taking and.. though everything is just how it seems theres bystanders wishing it were all just a dream but the.. passionate purity traveling between dampens out fireblazing storms foreseen.
the calm is not just one that precedes
but a foreshadowing of what exactly life can be
...
Ive been inspired to write again... and its a beautiful thing. I struggle only with where I can share my writing since I enjoy it so much. but its still so personal to me.. and maybe to some other people. Its true insight to whats going on inside me at any given time if Im so inspired to get it onto a computer screen, website, or piece of paper. T used to say that reading my blog was the only way she could get to know me.. I venture to believe that its because of the expression in my writing. The act of taking what Im feeling and filtering it out through precarious, though off the top of my head, word choice that leaves my emotions, my opinions.. my care, my worry, my love, and my hurt..all out in the open so not only can I look at it and attempt to make sense of it.. but that maybe someone else can too. I often wonder what other people get when they read my writing. Ive been fortunate enough to have met someone that can feel me and feel what I mean when I speak. Its truly a gift and Im grateful for it.
...haha.. yes, Im editing...
there are somethings we are afraid that the world wont be ready for. ive experienced over the past couple of months that those are usually things that we are simply afraid to tell the world..projecting possible reactions from the world instead of allowing the world to deal with it when it comes. seeking and following the advice of others we tend to shy away from expressing reality.. even of our very selves! in order to avoid the possibilities.. while simply delaying the inevitable. funnily enough.. the inevitable can wait as long as you can avoid it.. haha.. because ooh one day it will come... generally whether we like it or not.
I speak generally because this applies to many topics.. even applies to at least two topics that I have personally experienced... one of which Im experiencing right now. But thank God for the Spirit of God that lives in me.. because as long as I continue to listen and to follow direction, there will never be anything that I cannot accomplish.
"What would you do if you knew you could not fail?"
hrm.. lol.. yeah.. think about THAT for a little while. it gets my head spinning a little bit everytime I think about it.. I Love It!
sometimes you win, sometimes you lose... and sometimes you get to do both at the same time.
-Raymond III
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
getting okay with liking guys
The title says it all. I hate that its been so long since Ive blogged and SO much has happened. Its been the same way with my vlogs on youtube. Yesterday I was answering back some comments and I mentioned that a lot had gone on in the past months. S inquired as to what some of them were...one of my responses was 'getting okay with liking guys' - which he ended up inquiring further about. When I emailed him back this what came out.. its totally blog worthy..lol.. and so I dont have to go typing it again later, here goes. lol:
Getting to be ok with liking guys. I think I mentioned it in one of my videos..Im not sure cause I dont watch them... about how Im attracted to guys. I went through this period of hardcore worrying about the possibility of me being gay. I had a complex about knowing that I liked guys and wanting to experience sex with a guy as a guy. It was pretty crazy...and seemed impossible to explore since I was in a monogamous relationship. Im sure the issue was perpetuated by my spouse at the time poking fun at me telling me that I was gay.. kinda playing on an insecurity of mine. Kinda shitty when you think about it really. Im at a place now where I am starting to be okay with the fact that I like guys. It doesnt necessarily make me gay because I am still attracted to women - and whether it does or doesnt make me gay is much less of a concern for me than it was even just a couple months ago. Its strange how often we have to make the choice to embrace ourselves.
There's more that can be said for all of that..but right now? The eve of a 6 hour drive to North Carolina at 11:38 pm? Not the time... I will commit to writing a bit more though. As now I have a bit more personal time on my hands.
Getting to be ok with liking guys. I think I mentioned it in one of my videos..Im not sure cause I dont watch them... about how Im attracted to guys. I went through this period of hardcore worrying about the possibility of me being gay. I had a complex about knowing that I liked guys and wanting to experience sex with a guy as a guy. It was pretty crazy...and seemed impossible to explore since I was in a monogamous relationship. Im sure the issue was perpetuated by my spouse at the time poking fun at me telling me that I was gay.. kinda playing on an insecurity of mine. Kinda shitty when you think about it really. Im at a place now where I am starting to be okay with the fact that I like guys. It doesnt necessarily make me gay because I am still attracted to women - and whether it does or doesnt make me gay is much less of a concern for me than it was even just a couple months ago. Its strange how often we have to make the choice to embrace ourselves.
There's more that can be said for all of that..but right now? The eve of a 6 hour drive to North Carolina at 11:38 pm? Not the time... I will commit to writing a bit more though. As now I have a bit more personal time on my hands.
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