muses from the mirror

i look at myself in the mirror and i think.. wow.. i guess i must have been a pretty girl. i assume that i couldntve changed that much - at least to other people. all i know is that i finally see me when i look in the mirror these days. that the person's face i look at, every oily pore, pimple, mustache/beard hair (even the blonde ones) belong to me. they are a part of me and its actually me looking at me in the mirror.
years ago when i would look in the mirror, actually look.. lol its funny because i remember doing this a few times... sometimes in a drunken stupor, sometimes in the middle of the night during a bathroom break, and random other times too.. i would look and look and felt absolutely no connection to what i saw - but could not for the life of me understand how or why. so much of the dark, blank, emotionless time of my life prior to now, make so much more sense now that i actually get to be who i am. its kinda amazing really.
so i can finally look in a mirror and see what other people see. i actually think im handsome. lol and not the kind of handsome that i used to think i was simply because i needed to overcompensate for my lack elsewhere that day, but i actually think im generally handsome. contrary to popular belief this is new for me. yes ive known for however long that other people were attracted to me.. and that used to get me where i was going, but its altogether another thing to think it of yourself - in that quiet cool kinda way that doesnt have me screaming it off of rooftops or anything, but makes my sadfaced expression im used to seeing when i look in the mirror fade away.

my church visited another ministry this past Sunday where service was held outside at the park - the church without walls: no rules, just God. i love it.. we had a wonderful time with them. as their Deacon had to leave per medical reasons the Pastor needed assistance to serve communion. i was moved to assist so i did, without knowing their protocol. Pastor P is so nice though he was happy to explain. as we serve the people, we break their bread (body), dip it in the chalice of juice (blood), serve the recipient and pray for them as requested and/or i am lead. lol herein lies the surprise. i generally find myself struggling for words when asked to pray aloud. nervous as i was (granted i shouldntve been) i did as i was lead and the whole thing was just fine. the people seemed to have gotten what they needed, but of course i was astounded that anyone got anything from my simple mutterings... okay they werent exactly simple mutterings, but you get what im saying.

i am awake a little late a night. having some complications with my healing. i go to the doctor in the morning. part of me is afraid he will say something crazy like.. let's go across the street for an additional surgery. the other part of me knows better and knows that my Doctor will take care of the whole thing and it wont take anything that serious...and even if it does, that it will all be okay either way. *sigh*

Raymond III