ministry and whatnot

last night i was licensed as a Minister and ordained as an Elder of my church.
...that rocks. even just the beginning of last year i would not have thought id be right here, right now. i think ive gone over the words on my license in my head several times just today.. i guess in an effort to let it sink it. but also in an effort to understand just exactly what it is im supposed to be doing. now some things i know. and amazingly some of them come pretty natural. speaking to a crowd about how great God is, casual conversation about church, sharing my experiences in transition; these are things i can do almost without thinking - and not out of habit. really drives home the meaning of being called to do something.
the humanness i feel these days though, is astounding. im not floating around disconnected from the world around me. im suddenly smack dab in the middle of it all. i still find myself sometimes watching - like im still on the outside. until someone sees me and emotes or speaks because of my presence and i realize that im not so invisible anymore. they see me and it really is me that they see. for example: i step up to the line at the grocery store the other day and the woman in front of me in line glances in my direction - just because i walked up. for a split second my eyes met hers; after all, she was looking right at me. then while continuing to empty the items from her cart onto the conveyor she looks up at me again, pauses for a moment and says very simply "you have some pretty eyes," and continues to unload her cart without waiting for my response. of all the times that all the strangers have said that to me before that day, this random woman at the grocery store saw me. yes the "innocent" is gone from my eyes, and theres less scared-little -boy-in-a-grown-woman's-body going on, but my eyes are no less the window to my soul and even in a glimpse you can see the "okay" in there. even when i dont feel so "okay."

i dont think ive mentioned the physical pain ive been dealing with fpr the past few months on here. those that know me know that ive suffered through an annual exam and a requested pelvic ultrasound in september and october respectively. fibroids run in my family. what do i have? degenerative fibroids - very painful little buggers. and after giving myself intestinal gastritis (also very painful) one glorious hospital-filled saturday with an extensive ibuprofen regimen i believe i am ready for surgery. honestly i hadnt planned on having any surgeries any time soon (with the way that finances are currently working themselves out) but, when the pain outweighs the pain - this is honestly and truly why people have health insurance. oh, but dont let me start in on that.. health ins is such a touchy subject these days. *takes a detour*

in case youre wondering how the passing with a traditionally female name on all of my accounts is going heres a little anecdote for you. i go into the bank (funny this is where i get my best stories) - my regular teller knows me, my face, and my situation - and though she sometimes forgets my preferred name.. she just asks (which is preferred). but to sign me up for the sweepstakes or whatever theyre doing at the bank she sends me over to cust. serv. rep. after pulling up my account he looks at the name and says 'ok, youre gonna have to tell me - how do you pronouce your name' - because clearly this dude's name is just a funky spelling and even though it looks like a girl's name itll sound masculine if you say it. my response, 'no, its pronounced ******... dont worry, im going to change my name.' he then proceeds to ask if i had one picked out, if id talked to my parents, and even made a small joke about them naming me that 'like, c'mon guys' kinda thing.. i was amused. very.. very.. amused. im sure it was awkward for him. funny thing.. i even let him see my license and Yes folks.. his eyes skimmed right past the "F." /shrug. i was pleased. and TONs less uncomfortable (double negative, i know.. ) than i was when something similar happened a month or two prior. *smile* and thus we grow.
thats a lot of the super major stuff. ill have to get into this "discovering your sexuality" thing later.. My issue is.. im 27 years old..i shouldnt have to "discover" my sexuality.. i should know by now.. .. .. right. let us not forget what puberty was like.. at least what i hear it was like. i dont remember my first one very well. and beyond that little hiccup in the 6th grade there wasnt a TON of struggle for me cause i liked girls. i didnt really see anything different about it. at this point i chalk that up to feeling like a boy even then. whats strange is that now that i am recognizing ...often.. lol my attraction to boys - i think it strange. talk about confusing.. im sure ill be able to explain this better later.. when im NOT in the middle of it..

xo - until next time - ox

Raymond III