happy t-day to me!

one year. thats CRAZY! and wooow a lot has changed. i'll see what i can do about posting a pre-t pic and 1-year-t pic side-by-side. granted it might make me wanna hurl. itll be better than video though. i still dont watch my first video on youtube...the last time i heard my voice from back then i freaked out a little bit. lol the last time my girl said she watched that video (tsk tsk tsk) she cried *shakes head* - lol aint nobody told her to go out on youtube and watch that! lol.
the doors have been opening for me spiritually which is something that i was blocked from prior to acceptance of my real self, and that has been an amazing experience. i remember describing it like this: feeling like i was trapped inside of a cage inside myself. at first i was just trapped there..hopeless not really trying to get out - not knowing what "out" was. but when i realized that i was there, and i was stuck.. all i wanted was to get out.. and just like a baby.. i came out to my girl - in the fetal position, on the floor at the foot of my bed, crying and confused. about eight months later (one year ago today) i hit puberty.. talk about the fast track to "growing up." and ive been bustin my butt trying to grow into a grown man since. which was actually a little difficult in the beginning cause i felt so immature../shrug (puberty feels like that).
in my head im still not the "grown ass man" i look like on the outside.. but as long as im aware of that and i control myself and my attitude accordingly, ill be alright. im still figuring out this male-male relationship stuff which is pretty complicated.. probably because of homophobia, societal standards, etc. i notice relationships with transmen are a little easier but probably because theyve previously experienced the same kind of trouble...maybe?
many things are still changing and i know that they will continue to change. its just extra cool to stop and "smell the roses" i guess when you get to a milestone like this. almost like.. hard work and perseverance really does pay off, huh? lol yes. yes it certainly does. and it aint easy - by a loooong shot. but ive got to play the hand i was dealt - cause no one else can play it for me. (a saying stolen from dad.. with a little rwiii twist to the end.) lol and like my sister once told me in college - if it were easy, everyone would do it. and clearly everyone does NOT do this.
it may have taken year (ok maybe shorter), but no more beating up on myself, no more hiding and acting as-if cause frankly i dont have to. ive never had to (epiphany?) - but realizing this only now.. get over the fact that i did - figure out what im going to do NOW - and keep it pushin. this is how it is today.. much different from that caged hopeless little boy i was - cause now im free! and tons more comfortable just being me. some of the body parts, the paperwork, family, friends, ministry, externals ..these things will all get handled and fall into place at their appointed time. and i will/wont be happy about it all as i go. but just for today.. ive got me. and the me that ive got on the inside looks SO much more like the me that im seeing on the outside.. that on a day when i dont have to pull out my driver's license, or pay a bill.. i dont feel the disconnect anymore...and im ok. i like that.

rwiii (pronouced R. W. 3)

thank you for reading and checkin in on me on my t-day!

Raymond III