april 20 2009 my nephew, Ryan Justin Clark was born at 4:19pm weighing 1.5lbs after only 23 weeks of development. he died april 20 2009 at 5:25pm. i saw him being born.. it wasnt like one of the happy and
wonderful birth days you see on television. we knew he wasnt going to make it. after the crying and the screaming that i still cant quite get out of my head i was able to hold my second nephew before he passed. so little. so light. hes gone to be with our maker..he is a lucky fellow. but we mourn. i can hardly imagine what my sister is feeling, despite being there for it all. its kind of amazing how much you can miss someone you didnt even get to know. i guess what i miss is the opportunity to get to know him...- at the hospital when asked who i was my eldest sister called me her little brother.
- later when going through the room hugging everyone the nurse called me uncle.
...bittersweet memories...of a painfully sad time...
april 19 2009 my sister called me and asked me to come get my nephew, so she could go to the hospital. the above story explains how that hospital trip ended up. my sister was in relatively high spirits that day though, despite the pain she was in. when getting ready to leave with my
nephew she told him to go get his CD and "maybe Uncle Ray will play it for you in the car." i tried not to act surprised - still dont know if i succeeded. i probably left her house with a big grin on my face. ..again with the bittersweet...despite whatever else i have to write about im sure it will have a bit of a somber tone since im still kinda sad..almost quilted with the past few days.
went fishing recently with my aunt. that was a fun trip. leaving mcdonalds that morning a gentleman i held the door for replied 'thank you, sir.' (people are extremely polite here at times.) we fished in a small pond in the front yard of some lady's house my aunt knows. we didnt catch anything big enough to bring home for dinner but we had a good time catching the small catfish and throwing them back. my aunt introduced me to the owner of the pond as Ray - despite calling me the other name the rest of the time. *grumble grumble* at this point i only answer out of habit.. soon enough im sure that will go away. probably as soon as all the bill collectors hop on board. lol.
interesting psychological tidbits:
..a couple of weeks ago i found myself kinda wondering if i would ever have the feeling of being a not-so-unusual male. if i would ever feel a part of. with my psychosocial history ive always had a problem feeling like i belonged.. like i was a part of the greater whole. and for a minute there i was actually worried.. that physical transition wouldnt be enough. that there was nothing i could do on/to the outside to make myself really feel at home.
..today i feel a bit differently about this. i realize today that the feelings i had a couple weeks ago could have been caused by a lapse in my perceived ability to "pass." a second ago i was trying to think of "labels" for this post and i thought well..most guys call some of this stuff passing. but today i would call it reality. im living in the reality that is myself - both on the outside and the inside. its a nice place to live. maybe ill label it 'living' ...opinions?
people at work are getting it right. most people just dont use pronouns.. and in a lot of cases, they arent needed. the guys that intentionally respond with ma'am? or sir? ..theyre getting it right. that is a great place to live too.. or work rather ;)
changes:
-im breaking out again. maybe its the stress...
-ive got hairs on my chin - that continue to spread. i dont think anyone notices them but me. lol
also ive got the same mustache as my 16 year old cousin, but its noticeable... maybe i should shave it again.. just for good measure. it appears to have halted in growing anyhow.
-little guys grows with pumping. i just dont have the dedication that some of my homeboys have. lol. granted i should...
-my eyebrows have filled out. very masculine. i love it.
-im living as male now like i never thought possible...generally not mistaken for female - and when i am they just look stupid cause i have a crazy deep voice (you can hear it on my youtube - raydubiii).
non-T related change:
i got glasses... I CAN SEE!!! lol. not that i couldnt see before - just that my left eye was doing all the work (apparently). with glasses my right eye gets to do some work too. ;) the glasses may or may not be in the next vid.. we shall see. Tee thinks theyre hot.. lol. /shrug.
ok im done...
Ray
