the entertainment...

ok.. i know its the middle of my workday... but i HAD to tell... EVERYBODY about this..

phone rings.. some 678 number thats not in my phone.. i answer. broad on the phone is like 'can i speak to *birthname* Walker please?' i ask who it is.. she gives me her name.. i ask where shes calling from 'CIO' or something like that.. and she repeats 'im looking for *birthname* Walker' i scoff under my breath and ask what its regarding. she asks 'is this still a good number to reach *birthname* Walker?' im disgusted at this point cause she just keeps SAYING it! so i go.. 'yeah, its me its me.. ' she cuts me off and says 'this is *birthname* Walker?' to which i reply 'yeah, yeah.. call me Ray' ..quite irritated at this point, but im still trying to be nice.. after all this poor woman on the phone does NOT know who shes called. she says 'Ray? *pause* ok sir, thank you' and hangs up the phone.

f-ckin SWEET! in that kinda silly way that i enjoy screwin up people's heads and preconceived notions about gender.. lol AND in that way that im tired of dealing with creditors.. LoL..

so this kinda explains how come the other day Tee was up and like 'we gotta get your name changed' *big smile*

ok.. i gotta get back to work.

lovin it...

Raymond

bringing it back

i gotta get back on my grind. i havent been writing as much.. but that certainly doesnt mean life hasnt been moving as fast as ever. its certainly going.. sometimes i wish i knew where.. other times im just happy to be along for the ride.

right now im laying in a bed at the Days Inn in Charlotte, NC. my pastor and i are in town for a Leadership Retreat. ive never been at something like this. its going to be interesting im sure.. at the VERY least. ..but im happy to be here.

i posted a video the other day. its kinda sad, but im actually proud to have done it.. itd been 2 months since the last one and i hadnt intended on waiting that long to post another. glad i got that one out. i didnt talk about it in depth but.. despite what i wanted to do.. i shaved the other day. i got insecure about my mustache and people at work. i hate that i felt that way, but i was up late one night.. and the details of everything got to me.. i cleaned the kitchen, baked/ate cookies (im obsessed), and shaved my precious mustache off. i cut myself in the process. i dont even know why i was up so late in the d-mn bathroom starring at myself anyway. i found myself afraid that someone would notice and i would end up having that conversation with someone before HR is ready for me to have that conversation with..everyone. ...i dunno. what i DO know is that i gotta let that sh-t go.. cause im covered.. and i KNOW im covered. i just gotta start acting like im covered. believing im covered..like for real.

i really need to get to sleep.. we have a long day tomorrow at the conference. and i gotta see if i can get myself to just quietly fall asleep. ;)

wait! ok.. i went to the doctor today. my primary care physician that i started seeing when i moved back here in 2006 so... from before. id told him about my transitioning etc and he was supportive.. i guess i underestimate some people... there are med students doing residency at his office. today i got probably the coolest guy i could have imagined for myself. he was just good. good at talking to me about stuff i didnt want to talk about.. good at making me feel comfortable..great with addressing me properly.. just good. i loved it. the lady who looked at the..er uuh.. lower stuff i had going on was actually pretty cool too.. she didnt use pronouns at all.. cause from the looks of it.. i think i confused her to high heavens at first... /shrug. when i told her i needed her to take a look she was like...ok drop your pants.. i was like.. uuh.. you wont be able to see what youre looking for if i just drop 'em. i found myself wondering.. did she think i had uuh... ... yeah... not quite that long yet.. LoL. i ended up spending a good 4 hours trying to get doctor stuff done today.. but it was worth it for the male doctor i had. after i told him that i was a bit uncomfortable in general because of my.. unique medical history his reply was that they care for me and he wants me to know that him and dr. s (my regular doc) especially will always have a place for me. i was like.. wow.. thats AWESOME. especially after i told Tee that i was worried about the whole going to see my old doctor..but coming back with ambiguous genetalia. actually dr s was leaving to do rounds in the hospital when i was finally called for my appt, but he stopped by to see me and talk to me.. see how i have been feeling "mind, body, and spirit" .. i told him that i was very well.. much better than myself a year prior. he said he was happy for me.. he also made some small talk before he left.. asking about my parents (all 3 of them) and my sisters. funny thing.. hes the pcp for all of us.. lol. /shrug. whatever works yeah? h-ll when youre good, youre good. ;)

ok.. i guess i can go to bed now.. lol i sure wish i had some headphones with me.. im a horrible person i know.. LoL...cant help it!

nite...

Ray III

too far between

the blogs.. i mean. its been waaay too long. a lot going on really. work is generally hectic, but we make do. some important things have happened lately. important to me at least... ;)

- preached my second sermon. i think ill stop counting now. ;)
- by sunday i will have officially been on testosterone for 6 months - pretty sweet
- talked to HR at work last week. theyre going over a plan of action for my work transition - this means i still have a job... always a good thing.
- my sister called me Ray (at first i was like.. who said that? then i was like.. SWEET!)
- along the same vein.. my brother-in-law called me R.W.3. - my pastor calls me that. *big smile*
- my dad had been calling me by my birthname.. i finally asked him to call me Ray - he goes 'oh, ok' .. yeah so i made a much bigger deal about how that was gonna go in my head.. of course.

changes:
- im mostly sir'd over the phone these days - d-mn i love where my voice is going.
- im generally sir'd in person - and yes.. i know im a tad vain..but i also like the way that i look. even when i think i look bloated or bigger than i should.. i still like it. THATs new.
- ive begun breaking out again (face and a little on my back i think.. but i cant see it so... /shrug)
- my facial hair is trying its d-mnest to grow it.. lol. i dont mind waiting for it though.. which i find strange.. guess that leads me to my next point
- im super chill generally.. except maybe when im super h-rny.. but thats a whole other point
- sex drive.. yes. very...much.. wanting.. right. i had gotten used to what it felt like on the previous dose.. or thats what i keep telling myself. now-a-days on the new dose..it gets pretty.. sometimes its hard to deal with.. im readjusting. its a process i guess.

im going to L.A. in march. Tee bought me a ticket today. im stoked! i get to see my pa, i get to see my friends.. its gonna be rad. ..and i get to eat some of the best restaurant-food ive had in my life.. again. yeah baby! maybe its just me.. but Atlanta food aint got NOTHING on Los Angeles food.

i havent been working out.. been drivin myself mad with work. been piling on the responsibilities too.. and trying to do step work.. and just.. lol being overwhelmed generally. and NOT freaking out about ANY of it.. d-mn thats different than the way things used to be. when the world was continuously coming to an end.. and thus we grow.

this is right. this is me. and i love it.

havent vid'd in a while either.. our camera screen is broken and its just kind of a turn-off to use the thing. either ill get over it and record myself anyway.. or ill just wait til i get to L.A. and have one of my folks out there make a vid. we will see.

heres a pic at least... no, this isnt from the day i preached.. but it was taken in church...

i should be sleeping...

xx

Raymond